Do any marriages survive???
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 4
Do any marriages survive???
Hello all! I am a newbie who has been lurking on the boards and have decided to join and tell my story.
My husband and I have been married 5 years next month and have been dating 10. About 1 1/2 into our relationship we both developed an addiction to pain meds. The addiction lasted for about 9 months before I was through. I left my then boyfriend and amazingly enough (I've since learned) withdrew on my own and have been sober ever since. My husband (then boyfriend) entered a detox program to get clean. We got back together and then got married 3 years later.
In October 2008 my husband lost his job due to the recession. We had been in the process of trying to buy a house and also starting a family. He started getting really depressed. September of last year completely out of the blue he was arrested with pills on him. This was a total shock to me. I knew that he was really depressed and having a hard time due to not being able to find work and feeling like he was letting me down (we had to put the house buying and baby on hold). I was so angry with him. It had been almost 7 years, I couldn't believe that he would do this to us.
He said he had been using for about 6 weeks at that time.
He started on suboxine (sp?) and was attending NA regularly. Seemed like he was doing well but I had totally lost a lot of trust in him. We went through a hard time, I had a really hard time trusting. He seemed to be doing well although he still had bouts with depression. He told me that he had even had suicidal thoughts a couple of months ago. His doctor put him on Xanax for his anxiety. I was fearful of this because my motto has been to live as clean as possible, I rarely even take asprin. I was afraid of him abusing it or it triggering him in some way.
Friday night he was arrested again. Again with the hydrocodone. I said I wasn't going through this again. We do not live near any of our family. We had been near his family when we first met and at the time that we got back together 7 years ago we decided to move away and start fresh. This weekend I decided that I need to move near my family. I plan on starting the new year fresh by moving near my brother who is three states away. I have not talked to my brother about this yet because he is getting married next month and I don't want to put that on him during what is a happy time for him. So sometime after the wedding, I'll talk to them about it.
Since my husband was released (he stayed in jail overnight) I have been sleeping in the guest room and told him of my plans to move. He is determined that he is going to move with me and start fresh as well. He started a methodone program today. I am helping him by driving him to the clinic and get his bloodwork and such, but I do not want to be co-dependent. He has done all the legwork himself as I have pretty much given him an "I'm moving so I don't care what you do anymore" attitude. He is extremely ashamed of his relapse and says that he is commited to recovery. He has been very emotional these last couple of days, I've even heard him crying in his bed at night even though it was obvious that he was trying to hide it from me. I want to believe him, but I'm scared. I tend to be very crittical and negative when it comes to my husband, which I'm sure has not helped his self worth issues.
I know this is really long, but it feels good to get it all out. Theraputic in some ways. I guess I'm trying to find out if there are marriages out there that do succeed. Is it possible for us to live a normal, healthy life some day? I want to believe it is possible since I know that I have been able to beat my addiction but I realize that I am in the minority and with him having two relapses in the last two years, I just don't know if he will be able to do it.
Anyway, thanks for having me.
My husband and I have been married 5 years next month and have been dating 10. About 1 1/2 into our relationship we both developed an addiction to pain meds. The addiction lasted for about 9 months before I was through. I left my then boyfriend and amazingly enough (I've since learned) withdrew on my own and have been sober ever since. My husband (then boyfriend) entered a detox program to get clean. We got back together and then got married 3 years later.
In October 2008 my husband lost his job due to the recession. We had been in the process of trying to buy a house and also starting a family. He started getting really depressed. September of last year completely out of the blue he was arrested with pills on him. This was a total shock to me. I knew that he was really depressed and having a hard time due to not being able to find work and feeling like he was letting me down (we had to put the house buying and baby on hold). I was so angry with him. It had been almost 7 years, I couldn't believe that he would do this to us.
He said he had been using for about 6 weeks at that time.
He started on suboxine (sp?) and was attending NA regularly. Seemed like he was doing well but I had totally lost a lot of trust in him. We went through a hard time, I had a really hard time trusting. He seemed to be doing well although he still had bouts with depression. He told me that he had even had suicidal thoughts a couple of months ago. His doctor put him on Xanax for his anxiety. I was fearful of this because my motto has been to live as clean as possible, I rarely even take asprin. I was afraid of him abusing it or it triggering him in some way.Friday night he was arrested again. Again with the hydrocodone. I said I wasn't going through this again. We do not live near any of our family. We had been near his family when we first met and at the time that we got back together 7 years ago we decided to move away and start fresh. This weekend I decided that I need to move near my family. I plan on starting the new year fresh by moving near my brother who is three states away. I have not talked to my brother about this yet because he is getting married next month and I don't want to put that on him during what is a happy time for him. So sometime after the wedding, I'll talk to them about it.
Since my husband was released (he stayed in jail overnight) I have been sleeping in the guest room and told him of my plans to move. He is determined that he is going to move with me and start fresh as well. He started a methodone program today. I am helping him by driving him to the clinic and get his bloodwork and such, but I do not want to be co-dependent. He has done all the legwork himself as I have pretty much given him an "I'm moving so I don't care what you do anymore" attitude. He is extremely ashamed of his relapse and says that he is commited to recovery. He has been very emotional these last couple of days, I've even heard him crying in his bed at night even though it was obvious that he was trying to hide it from me. I want to believe him, but I'm scared. I tend to be very crittical and negative when it comes to my husband, which I'm sure has not helped his self worth issues.
I know this is really long, but it feels good to get it all out. Theraputic in some ways. I guess I'm trying to find out if there are marriages out there that do succeed. Is it possible for us to live a normal, healthy life some day? I want to believe it is possible since I know that I have been able to beat my addiction but I realize that I am in the minority and with him having two relapses in the last two years, I just don't know if he will be able to do it.
Anyway, thanks for having me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 4
Thank you cynical one!
I was incorrect when I said he had a problem with hydrocodone. It is actually oxicodone. All the codones sound the same to me. Does that make a difference? I'm so confused when it comes to all this stuff and what the best course of action for him is.
He decided to begin the methodone program in this clinic primarily because he doesn't have to self dose. He likes that it is controled. The clinic also requires weekly counceling and conducts twice monthly unannounced urine testing. So that makes me feel better because before with the suboxine he was just heading to the doctor every couple of months and stocking up on prescriptions for the stuff. Just didn't seem like much of a "treatment".
To answer your question regarding the car, yes, I drive him because he lost his license during this arrest, there is no public transportation and also because we only own one car. If he could drive, he could go on his own and then pick me up for work. We might think about doing this at some point but for now this works better.
I honestly don't know why I am so critical and negative towards him. I don't want to say that I am a negative nelly and I think in most areas of my life, I'm not. However when it comes to him, I most certainly am. He'll often say that he can't do anything right by me and honestly it's true. If he folds the clothes for me, I huff that he did it wrong and refold them. I often times don't even realize that I am acting this way until after I have already critisized him for something. This is certainly are area that I need to improve upon myself and I've been thinking about it a lot more recently.
I know I am absolutly taking his addiction very personally. He went back to school after his lay off and started a program that we thought would really help him gaom a career that was both lucrative and stable. He got through all his general educaiton courses with flying colors then failed his first class in his major. That was another huge hit on his ego. I'm afraid that this arrest is going to make him unable to work in this field and it feels to me like he just jepordized our entire future.
I feel like we have so far to go.
I was incorrect when I said he had a problem with hydrocodone. It is actually oxicodone. All the codones sound the same to me. Does that make a difference? I'm so confused when it comes to all this stuff and what the best course of action for him is.
He decided to begin the methodone program in this clinic primarily because he doesn't have to self dose. He likes that it is controled. The clinic also requires weekly counceling and conducts twice monthly unannounced urine testing. So that makes me feel better because before with the suboxine he was just heading to the doctor every couple of months and stocking up on prescriptions for the stuff. Just didn't seem like much of a "treatment".
To answer your question regarding the car, yes, I drive him because he lost his license during this arrest, there is no public transportation and also because we only own one car. If he could drive, he could go on his own and then pick me up for work. We might think about doing this at some point but for now this works better.
I honestly don't know why I am so critical and negative towards him. I don't want to say that I am a negative nelly and I think in most areas of my life, I'm not. However when it comes to him, I most certainly am. He'll often say that he can't do anything right by me and honestly it's true. If he folds the clothes for me, I huff that he did it wrong and refold them. I often times don't even realize that I am acting this way until after I have already critisized him for something. This is certainly are area that I need to improve upon myself and I've been thinking about it a lot more recently.
I know I am absolutly taking his addiction very personally. He went back to school after his lay off and started a program that we thought would really help him gaom a career that was both lucrative and stable. He got through all his general educaiton courses with flying colors then failed his first class in his major. That was another huge hit on his ego. I'm afraid that this arrest is going to make him unable to work in this field and it feels to me like he just jepordized our entire future.
I feel like we have so far to go.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 4
Thank you for the book rec cynical one. I am going to see if I can find it this weekend. I read every night before bed and hadn't picked up a new book in a while and was making due by reading my school books. This sounds like something I should absolutely read. I also plan to check out counceling. I get a certain amount of free mental health counceling through my insurance at work so I'm going to check that out.
anvilhead ~ I love you're anology of us driving our own cars with our partners riding shotgun. I am in control of where I take that car, ei. my future.
anvilhead ~ I love you're anology of us driving our own cars with our partners riding shotgun. I am in control of where I take that car, ei. my future.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 4
Hello, Skydancer...I'm new also. Yourr story is very similar to mine. My husband and I have been married for 17 years, 15 years into our marriage he developed an addiction to opiates. He also had just graduated nursing school so he had quite the convenient access to alot of powerful drugs. Needless to say, he no longer has a nursing license (thankfully in an odd sort of way to the courts) and after rehab & relapse, he is 18 months clean. Yes, our marriage has survived. Is it the same relationship we shared during the first 15 years? No. Alot has changed. He is not the same person he was before the addiction. I'm not the same person I was before the addiction, either I guess. But you're right in the reguard that you have to just let go and let God. Untill you stop worrying, obsessing, fighting and threatening it's a crazy ride.
I can so relate to your feelings of negativity towards your husband. Even though I have forgiven him for all that he has done, I find myself having to bite my tongue alot. Then I start to question if I ever will truly forgive him. He ruined his career and our plans of having a better life. I'm not sure what the future will hold when our youngest daughter is grown. Sometimes I feel like she is the glue that keeps us together. So I totally get your disappointment because I feel the same way. And I too am unsure how to get over it and move on.
I know he has to live with the memory of what he has done to himself and our family everyday. And when I remind myself of how horrible he feels, I can get thru my moments of anger. I also have to know, because he's told me before, that he can't sit and think about what has happened. Because he says if he does, he wants to use. It really is a vicious cycle. Hang in there, time will tell you what you can live with and what you can't.
I can so relate to your feelings of negativity towards your husband. Even though I have forgiven him for all that he has done, I find myself having to bite my tongue alot. Then I start to question if I ever will truly forgive him. He ruined his career and our plans of having a better life. I'm not sure what the future will hold when our youngest daughter is grown. Sometimes I feel like she is the glue that keeps us together. So I totally get your disappointment because I feel the same way. And I too am unsure how to get over it and move on.
I know he has to live with the memory of what he has done to himself and our family everyday. And when I remind myself of how horrible he feels, I can get thru my moments of anger. I also have to know, because he's told me before, that he can't sit and think about what has happened. Because he says if he does, he wants to use. It really is a vicious cycle. Hang in there, time will tell you what you can live with and what you can't.
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
we have been married 26 years, no children..13 years ago we went through turmoil with his addiction (it is very vague to me as I was in cancer treatments) but he did go to rehab by himself and did his recovery very well afterwards. we got back on our feet, he worked hard, we got along great. I forgave him and we worked it out. he was very sorry for the things he did but again we moved forward together enjoying things we enjoy together. we were happy, very close to each other..6 years ago the cancer struck me again and at the same time he had a minor neck injury,thus the start of taking pain meds. it didnt seem to interfer with our relationship then, he was there every second every day,right beside me through my treatments, he took it very badly, was so concerned he would lose me.I was and still am gratefull for his devotion to me as I saw many families fall apart during treatment (sad but true) and after I recovered we really were doing great. however over the years his doses went up and up,thus leading to changes in his personality and lifestyle. I know there are no excuses for taking drugs, but I truly feel he couldnt handle my illness and with his bipolar became depressed and self medicated after awhile. we are currently seperated, things got out of hand because of the drugs.I dont know if our marriage is salvable to be honest, but I have since learned that I need to move forward, I need to be happy, I need to take care of myself. do I love him? you bet, we had a great relationship even though there were bad times, but we got through them. I would be lying if I said I would love to get back together, I truly dont have an answer for that. I dont think about that right now, it would be a long time before I would consider that, but for now, I take care of myself.
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@cynical one..*gulps* I LOVE READING YOUR POSTS!! your words are profound to me!..and I get it everytime....thank you for your words and wisdom....
NAR ANON would be good for you...and go ....AL ANON if not near a NAR ANON...thinking of you....
NAR ANON would be good for you...and go ....AL ANON if not near a NAR ANON...thinking of you....
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