MaryGoRound

Just to start, I am very much aware I have slipped a little bit on my way to complete, total acceptance of by xabf's non-recovery/decision to help himself.

I talked to him, which sometimes I remove the block and test him out to see if he has made any headway. I will not see him or talk to him until he enters rehab. He has mentioned going after graduation (which I know is common behavior to say I'll go when x happens...I just need to do y first, etc).

I've done a good job so far, but I have moments that are better than others. Just like our addicts.

I'm just kind of venting, but also looking for validation that I didn't do anything hurtful or annoying. Our relationship is so hard to describe. I always tried to maintain a safe distance from him as well as did he...but we both genuinely care(d?) for each other very deeply.

I know for a fact that he's been using Meth excessively (more so than during term year due to money, mostly..I bet he'd find time lol) and whatever else.
So I just talk to him about getting help, encouraging him, and telling him I want to support his efforts to get help. I wrote to him a few times explaining my part in the "relationship" and also my feelings. I did it for me, but I also wanted him to really see how I felt and firmly state my boundaries, so there was no confusion before really blocking him - a step for me that was a milestone.

Sooo...with being on campus again. i caved and gave into my urge to contact. It was a pleasant conversation last week. He did the usual "I've been thinking...I tried to call you so many times...I was talking to this person about going blah blah ..my sister wrote me a long note that made me cry...I'm still using, but I think about going..If you cared enough you'd stay with me long enough to get to know the real me" (The works, but I swear I didnt fall for it. I just miss him)

I wanted to see him in person..i've been desperate for closure. So we agreed to meet on that thursday. Of course, he couldnt give me a straight answer about what time or where...Literally the next day after we talked he was right back to not responding, being crabby and mean since he was so hungover.

So I needed to ween myself off of the hope again (amazing how fast it kicks in) and I wrote to him about how I was very much concerned for his life and everyone who pushes him to get help is doing so out of love. I wrote a metaphor about how I really wanted to dive in and save him, but I couldn't because he decided to drive off the bridge and tread water and only he could swim to shore. It came from the heart, once again. It felt like a risk in that way reaching out to these people feels like (you know: should I do this? they're going to be PISSED...will they stop talking to me...is this offsensive? Am I crossing my boundary? Does this even matter?) But I felt really good about what I said.

Then on Wednesday night, he texted me and said he would call me after he got home and ate something. I thought to myself, who is this considerate person? I replied with "okay " and my phone got all weird and sent it to him multiple times. He all of a sudden completely flipped out. Out of nowhere.. called me..(apparently after just reading what I had written to him, as he bitterly referenced lines from it) and started getting really nasty, pretty much screaming "I said would call you. Stop bothering me. You've been bothering me nonstop (not true, but I'll admit I started to get suspicious after he abruptly ended a conversation we had)...blah blah."

And then hung up with what seemed like frustration more with himself than me, actually.

So I said look what is wrong here? Can we talk about it? Because this is ridiculous. I called him and he wouldn't answer. I tried to remain calm, and I just left a voicemail that said "i don't deserve to be treated like this. I'm trying to be a good friend here. If you're coming down or something just tell me. Im not upset."

Then he calls me again "can you stop for like 15 minutes? I said 15 minutes! I'm going to turn off my phone this is so ridiculous!"

To which I sincerely asked (not in a threatening way at all..cuz i really wanted to know his sincere thoughts) "do u want me to block you again? Is this how you want it to be?"

"Go ahead, tell the phone company what a bad guy I am"

And that was that.

I know its not use analyzing that whole thing. He was prolly coming down or jonesing...but I just need to be validated here. I dont get sad, or mad anymore...but boy I still question myself. Like was I annoying? Was I wrong? Was I mean?


As if being manipulated wasn't bad enough, I feel guilty for not being stronger about no contact for myself.

Just how crazy was that? How crazy do people get when coming down ? Is this just like when a child is upset that I wasn't falling for the usual tricks? Any input is appreciated.

outtolunch

How crazy do we codependents get when we are deperate to fix someone else?

Ann

Sweetie, he's using or he's coming down, and he's not going to rehab any time soon. He doesn't want to talk to you, he doesn't want you hounding him, he's made that clear.

If talking some sense into them could save an addict, if all the love in the world could save an addict...not one of us would be here. They use until they are done and they are not done until the pain of using becomes greater than the fear of stopping.

So what's in this for you? What do you have to look forward to in the next week, month, year?

You don't have to answer me, but maybe give it some thought and decide how you can move forward in your life in a healthy, positive way.

Hugs

dollydo

Only input I can give you is No Contact. Why are you obsessing about him? The only way you will closure is for you to close the door and move forward with your life.

You are young, get out start dating, have fun!

MaryGoRound

Yes. I some way I hope that he will go.
However, I am much happier..healthier and glad I did it. I dont wait around by any means, but yeah I'll admit that I thought his feelings for me had leverage.
Which is the exact same thing as trying to control someone..haha. Damnit!


Thank You Ann. The hardest part is letting the dream go. I really need an individual therapist for that one. I know he doesn't want me to bother him. Now I feel really stupid all over again...lol. I just will not back down on this.

It like I keep opening the box and calling down "are you sure? are you sure?! I really mean it this time!"

The reality is that I am completely terrified. Not of being alone, just always having a place for him in my heart. I want REALLL closure, but I have to be the one to do it. And that's hard when I don't want that..ya no?

I guess its just a classic broken heart situation times a thousand. Plenty of people would kill to be with me. And have. But I can't let this go..and its probably because it was what held on to , to believe in a look forward to.

I got lost in the clouds.

Ann

Mary, sometimes it helps to make a plan. Maybe you can plan ways to keep busy that will take your mind off the obsession?

Meet a friend for lunch, take some long walks in nature, read a book that will take your mind somewhere else, go to a meeting and find face to face support as you move on....just make a plan to keep busy doing good things for you.

I promise it will help, even if you don't feel like doing it right now.

Making a healthy plan and then sticking to it will take you to a better path, a better way of living.

It's worth it, you're worth it.

Hugs

tchappy

No contact is your best defense of getting on with your life. My ex ABF was a Meth user also. The whole relationship revolved around him using, him coming down ( not having enough money for more) and so on and so on.
It made me crazy!

I was not able to see the REAL picture until I stepped away from the addict and quit trying to control him and quit trying to make him see what he was doing to himself. Until I focused on myself and what I truly deserved I was going to stay in the circle of addiction. That is what it was a BIG circle of making up, breaking up, trying to control his addiction and then being dissapointed.

I'm free now and happier. No contact is the best thing you can do for yourself and the hardest, but you can do it!

Take care

MaryGoRound

Thanks Ann

I know. I'm a very anti-plan person, but I need to get better about getting into healthy routines. I run, I read, I set goals...I need therapy!! LOL.

I just sorta relapsed a little. And I've done pretty good up till now - I just am in an in-between phase in life (unsure of which direction to go) and being on campus triggers me!

I need to get better about working towards these goals I've been putting off. i'm so hard on myself that I really burnt out trying to be as busy as possible. Now I have to the tools to be busy in healthy way.

I need that extra lil kick. Its like I started going back to old habits out of the fear of all the uncertainty that has surrounded me with what's going on in my world.

Ya no, he just hurt my feelings. That tone. I just wanted to feel better about it. But the only thing that will guarantee that is to focus on moving forward and staying positive myself! It gets urself esteem, being pushed away. No matter how much distance I think I've gained it still got me!

MaryGoRound

thanks tc that's exactly what I wanted to hear.

I just wanted to hear that this is what is like with them. Move on. Ya no, cuz I just wanted to feel less stupid for a second haha. Like soemone else had been there too.

MaryGoRound

Thank you cynical. I know, I know....

I'm going to try really hard this time not to contact. I told him to contact me if he ever goes. I guess he is smart enough to figure out to use another phone to do just that.

I know one of two things will happen:

he will die using or he will get help

I just keep going back on my word because I miss him...and I believed he would go and I wanted to be there.

I lied to myself thinking I could handle breaking contact. I wanted him to tell me awful things again..hurt my feelings or tell me straight out he would never go. So I could just completely let it go. Because altough I have any many ways....

There is a small part of my heart that is saved for him. Its disturbing, but I can't imagine that part ever changing. Does it ever? Do you ever completely move on and forget? Maybe my problem is that I don't believe I will. Or maybe I won't let myself in fear of him actually getting help and then I am engaged or seomthing...what does it matter neways. I'm such an idiot for doing all of this. I let my heart go there with this obvious heartbreaker!

I do much better when I date people, but I still think of him regardless.

Kindeyes

You asked the question "did I do something hurtful or annoying". If he is using meth, the answer to part of that question is a resounding yes. Or at least that's what I have found with my son (he is a meth addict). Anything and everything annoys him. The fact that we are breathing seems to annoy a meth addict.

It is impossible to project logical thought processes onto someone who is in active addiction and meth seems particularly bad about scrambling what may have once been a brilliant mind.

Closure. Cynical One said it best.....it is highly overrated. And I think it's the wrong word for almost any event or person who leaves us feeling angry, hurt, grieving.....the right word is "acceptance". We learn to accept that what is just "is" and we are powerless over it. Acceptance is a really tough lesson to learn.

Don't beat yourself up. Everyone here has gone through the same thing you are....putting our hands on the stove just to see if it's still hot....and getting burned.....so we wait a while and put our hands right back on there to see if it's still hot and we get burned again. It's how we learn......and no one can really tell us when (or if) we hit our limit.

You can't control him.....but you can certainly control yourself.....you are the only thing that you aren't powerless over.

gentle hugs

MaryGoRound

Cynical - I am glad u pointed out that u were constantly checking to see if he still cared..I had an aha! moment when I read that. That's what it is...trying to prove to myself that I am worthy by making sure he does still have feelings for me. We both do it in different ways. Make sure that we both are still stuck on each other...via manipulation. Its like being imprisoned or gridlocked with one another..b.c as long as neither of us truly moves forward....

Anvil - So glad you responded. I was afraid of what you'd say..since I know you have read my other posts. I can't hide from you one bit! That really put it in perspective for me. I keep going back and checking because I know he cares about me and is so far deep in **** that he can't even see straight. He's pretty much delusional, and when I talk to him I start to think crazy as well...That somehow if I'm detatched enough yet there for him, encouraging change, he will. You are right - I can't let go of the fantasy of us living our lives together and being creative and having this kid he keeps saying he wants (yeah, yikes) to name after his mom and blah blah. Maybe I should just write a novel and put the dream there.

Thank you Kindeyes - That is exactly what I wanted to hear. He told me he was bipolar for a very long time and so even still to this day knowing he just does a lot more **** than I wasn't smart enough to realize..I question what the F just happened. Awareness is key. I lol'd @ the breathing thing...thats exactly how it is. I guess it was really blind of me not to see that the nastiness had NOTHING to do with me, what I had said or did....and I sure as hell do NOT have to put up with that from anyone - addict,bipolar, or not.

So yes, I have let go as much as I can up until this point. But I still have one pinky finger that is gripping the edge just in case because part of me doesn't want to believe that i really will never happen.

I wanted a black and white answer. So I could know 100%, without a doubt that he will never go. That he will always be a liar, etc...So that I can understand that my faith in someone was just a mistake and move on.
But I guess he either sees the light one day or doesn't. And regardless I cannot speak to him. Maybe years down the road he sends a long apology or heart felt something or other I can THINK about letting him in. Lol, the fantasy just keeps extending itself...(maybe I can just drink after I retire?)

Today I was bored at work and I replayed our last conversation in my head, searching for something. Then I stopped and started thinking about things that I never had the guts to do like going on a project runway casting call!
Now THAT would keep my mind of things and be a HUGE career boost!
I think they're usually held sometime in April..so I'm going to start putting together some amazing stuff! I'm actually excited! It gets so much easier each time around.

MaryGoRound

I just realized something else after reading my post- how centered around males my self-esteem is....

I guess when one is desperate to hope for something..that is when the fantasizing starts. Well after I stopped seeing this guy I was dating (he didn't want to commit to me - i felt kinda crappy about myself. I was missing ex again and desperate to feel better about myself so I actually had this huge crush on a local celebrity and tried really hard to meet and date him for about two weeks. I was hoping that HE had something special that would make me good enough....If some super ego douche wanted me, then I would be golden.

I need to be the one that is special and special enough for my standards (which are pretty high and why I probably focus on others to give myself a frikkin break), not whoever I am dating. I could date GOD...but I'd still be me - trying to be God's best girl...

I hope that makes sense. Something just really clicked after I read that. I need to get out and stop being such a chicken about taking care of my gigantic,dramatic, success hungry needs!!!

Callie

IF he goes to rehab ALL will be well. happily ever after and all that. it doesn't really work that way.......rehab/treatment is not a solution, not the "olly olly oxen free" we used to call as children to end the game of Hide and Seek. rehab is simply a doorway that looks out to what IS possible.........RECOVERY is a lifetime commitment to living life in an entirely new and different way. and it ain't for wussies!!! it's dang hard work.


Amen Anvil - good point. MGR, rehab doesn't prove anything. My xah is in his 5th rehab right now. It's the longest he's ever stayed, but it doesn't mean $hit until he gets out and walks the walk. Rehabs are NOT the solution. Digging deep and finding yourself is. I always thought the same as you. Rehab = all better. Totally not the case. At all. I drug, pushed, pulled my xah there many times. All I had in the end was a PO'd dry addict. Walk away girlie. You're young and move on to find someone who will treat you the way you deserved to be treated.

Babyblue

Mary,
The only closure is that which you do for yourself. You cannot force someone to be able to care for you in a way they cannot, especially an addict. Calling, writing and texting him with an expectation of a certain reaction is only setting yourself up for more hurt and disappointment. He/she who cares least controls the relationship. Remember that.

Read the sticky somewhere about the love avoidant/love addict cycle. That push pull which is driving you nuts. If someone wants you or cares, you know it. You don't have to convince them of it or try to figure them out. The drugs seem to be a really big factor in his treatment of you and unless he resolves that, you need to let go. He cannot care for you in the way you are wanting. Either accept it or make a clean break for good.

I know it hurts, it is a huge disappointment but you are spot on about the fantasy. Love doesn't have to be this difficult.

MaryGoRound

Thanks Blue.

I have looked into the relationship addiction stuff you speak of. I can definitely see some part of me in that...I think that definitely started after seeing exabf - the pain was just too much so I started to enjoy dating other people a little too much. And when it didn't work out it U would feel the pain of that plus the pain of all this that I haven't entirely processed.

I'll have to discuss things like that with a therapist. I don't like how after awhile a lot of newer psychology gets hyper-labely. I can reflect and get to know myself better and learn to let go of something that will never happen.

The hard part is knowing that you weren't the only one hoping that dream would come true. That's why it is so hard to let go. But I know one thing for sure...actions are louder than words. And as much as a person might WANT recovery and balance in their life.....it doesn't happen over night anyhow.

And I know that rehab is not a fix-it. I met a person who could be very sweet and liked a lot things I like, who really needed help, and I got lost trying like hell to make hem get it for my sake. He would need TONS of help, not only for his addiction. LOL, they are sooo many issues that could apply to both of us here.

But yeah, I agree however you want to label it, you simply can't force someone to care for you in a way that they cannot.

The part that I'm really struggling with is that he will never be able to. That is something I really don't even want to think about. Not only because that means I don't get what I want..but also another broken person is left broken forever.

I refuse to believe that people can't heal. That simply isn't in my belief system.

Kindeyes

MGR
I very much agree with you there. People can heal and they can change. And it's never too late to change (unless they die of course). The only thing is.....they will change themselves. We can't change them. They have to want to change and make the effort. We can't do it for them. And they have to do it in their own sweet time....they won't do it on our time schedule.

I think that's the part that I have the hardest time with.....my AS won't do it NOW on MY time schedule. Heck, if I had my way, he never would have gotten mixed up with drugs in the first place.

Now it's a waiting game......and I hate that.....but I have no choice but to accept that he will change if/when he is ready and not a second sooner.

I hate meth. I hate drugs. But I love someone who uses it. And that love is eternal.

gentle hugs

MaryGoRound

Thanks so much kindeyes. Yeah it can extremely be depressing.

I think what everyone here is trying to get me to see is that I should just move on. Its not like he is my son and I literally will love him forever. But ya know what, I kind of will. LOL arrg.

I can learn to let it go more, continue to heal, learn about myself, and maybe one day I really will be completely over it. I gotta kill the fantasy and see what happens. I'm already working on shifting my focus and creative ideas into more productive things so that'll work.

Also, I have a serious problem being hyper suspicious of people, about random things...b.c that's what the lies we always about - seemingly meaningless things that didn't add up. So I definitely need help with that too!
A lot of people have been calling me "crazy" lately and I think its because I am SUPER untrusting now.

dollydo

I am just babbling here...I have often wondered why so many women based their self worth on having a man...even if he is toxic.

I got involved with my exabf, because of my abstract stupidity, my pollyanna attitude, not because I needed a man for my self worth.

Today and many times in my younger years I was without a man, and, I did just fine, in fact I did better.

I don't have an answer, perhaps someone else does!

MaryGoRound

For me, I wasn't always like that. I know my mom let my stepdad treat her with disrespect growing up..and her main life goal was finding a man and settling down. I think that has been ingrained in me very deep down..

I am reading this book that is very helpful it mentioned now/then thinking like...once I get married and settled down, I will be happy. once I nail my dream job I will be happy. And I know for me those are beliefs I have developed, but I'm working on breaking them down.

But with dating an addict, for me, it BECAME very much this sort of why am I not good enough for you to change?

And that. Is giving your power away.

I used to beg my mom to leave my stepdad, because I saw how upset she would get. I used to tell her to not worry about being able to buy my stuff. But her materialism and false sense of security one out every.single.time.
Now everything has tamed way down, but part of me is sad for the life she could have had.

Whew. Lots of topics coming up in this thread for me. Like psychological issue vomit.