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confused again :(

Old 09-13-2010, 07:31 AM
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tam
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confused again :(

trying hard to take things 1 day at a time, lately things were stirred up again with my AH and it has in some ways put me back to square one. I was informed that he was in the hospital and went to visit him (what a drama that was) and I made amends to him regarding what we did to each other the last 9 months and I felt good knowing that if anything happens to him at least he knows the truth and he truly loves me. he fully understands and admits this was all caused by pain meds and he needs detox. BUT, I cant help but get these sad,guilty feelings all over again. Im still dealing with addiction but now CML involved and I had to step away once more after talking to him and the young girl (I call her bonnie and her husband clyde) because I saw red flags big time. But I cant help but feel somehow I am aiding his destiny which can be death, most likely from the drugs,but I feel guilty that I cant help him with his serious health issues, which is what a wife should do. but then I think, if he were sober and at home I would be there for him. and what do I do with my life while he is ill? I again feel guilty trying to enjoy my days while he suffers, I know thats his choice but no matter what I feel this. yesterday I ran into a friend of ours and apparently him and bonnie were talking bad about me in the hospital,that hurt (but again,I know why) and immediately I crashed, was ready to retaliate,but thankfully from this forum I have learned to control it. I have to go with No contact again and I fear that will put him in a downward spiral, okay okay I know I know he chose this..someone hit me over the head!! to top it off, he tells people we are temporarily seperated (doesnt say about the drugs) and tells "funny looking" guys this as well, so I have this guy who looks like alfred e.newman checking me out!! that helps my ego..LOL..Im just confused, overwhelmed and trying my hardest to take care of myself and feel lost and Im very scared

Last edited by tam; 09-13-2010 at 07:33 AM. Reason: forgot word
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Old 09-13-2010, 07:59 AM
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(((HUGS))) Tam, are you attending al-anon meetings? You really need some face-to-face support right now. You are right that what is going on with him is pretty much his own doing. I know if I was trying to help someone and they more or less spit in my face, I'd just say fine...figure it all out yourself. If he is allowing "Bonnie and Clyde" to take his money, then he can just deal with it.

There isn't anything you can do for him at this point. He has made it clear that he prefers to stay with those people and talk bad about you, so, you really have nothing at all to feel guilty about. Please, check out some al-anon meetings for support.
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Old 09-13-2010, 08:13 AM
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Now I know I have been sober a long time, and working Alanon a long time also, but, (yea there's that 'but' again, lol)....................... if the money he is getting monthly is from Social Security for disability, I would be so 'tempted' to report Bonnie and Clyde as 'stealing' his money so that an 'investigation' is started. Sure would make them uncomfortable for a while and possibly be in BIG trouble too.

I learned a long time ago that I had to change my ways, lol so I have, I've figured out how to do things 'legally' now, roflmao

On a more serious note, I understand you still love him and care very much, but there is just so much we can do and tolerate and you have done both to the max. Like Suki said, after numerous attempts to help someone, and they spit in my face, I am DONE.

You have done your best for him. Now it is time to do your best FOR YOURSELF. You are the only one who can take care of you. Please be good to yourself. Treat yourself. A lovely Bubble Bath can do wonders for both mental well being and physical relaxation of the muscles.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,
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Old 09-13-2010, 08:26 AM
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tam
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yes I have attended alanon for over 3 months,but honestly I dont feel it is helping. I respect the people and the program and have learned spirituality which truly has helped me, but I became overwhelmed after the meetings as hearing about root canal, injuries at work, fights with coworkers etc..was not helping me, again I respect the program as it does help others.
I am contacting a new counseling center today, they have programs for addiction and woman in transition as well
I have accepted what has happened and I have come a long way, just need a boost every now and then. I do take better care of myself and my therapist and family/friends have seen a change in me, so again I think Im headed in the right direction.
I have thought about calling social security because his welfare is at stake, he has told me he doesnt renew his prescriptions for his heart and diabetes and last week didnt take his chemo pill because it was interfering with his pain med side affects, so this can be serious. they are living day to day..but
then I think am I causing more stress on myself and him and adding drama and retaliating? maybe let the cards fall as they may, sadly it can be death
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Old 09-13-2010, 09:16 AM
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Originally Posted by tam View Post

But I cant help but feel somehow I am aiding his destiny which can be death, most likely from the drugs,but I feel guilty that I cant help him with his serious health issues, which is what a wife should do.

yesterday I ran into a friend of ours and apparently him and bonnie were talking bad about me in the hospital,that hurt (but again,I know why) and immediately I crashed, was ready to retaliate,but thankfully from this forum I have learned to control it.

I have to go with No contact again and I fear that will put him in a downward spiral, okay okay I know I know he chose this..someone hit me over the head!! to top it off, (
Originally Posted by tam View Post

I think am I causing more stress on myself ....
If I recall, you are an incredible 2X cancer survivor. Sounds like he is the 3rd cancer and here you are, trying to define and validate yourself with it.

He was an alcoholic 14 years ago. He was a crack addict 10 years ago. Now it's opiates. Is it possible there is a pattern here?

You did not cause any of this. You are not that powerful. So what's with the guilt trip?

That a career addict and some nut job woman are talking bad about you matters? Get a grip on this situation? It's your choice to allow nonsense like this even register, let alone cause you to crash.

You can't cause him to spiral down any more than you can cause him to give up drugs or solve his problems. Again, you are not that powerful. His lifetime of poor choices caused his unemployment, poor health and put him into the hospital. And yeah, you are most certainly creating stress for yourself. And you have been at this a long, long time.

We do this to avoid focusing on our own issues. Establish your own boundaries for yourself that do not involve trying to control other people and their outcomes. Take responsibility for yourself and allow others the dignity to do so for themselves.
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Old 09-13-2010, 09:33 AM
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tam
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thank you everyone, I got it together now..whewwwww..went for a nice walk and prayed...
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