how do you walk away?
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
how do you walk away?
this is not my ego- but how do you walk away from someone who really has nobody? how do you walk away when you know the person is in pain and is suffering or when you know they are trying to be better. i really believe that her relationship with me is keeping her from completely self destructing again, but athe same time she is in active addiction. i wantto help her or at least help her help herself. i have been doing it two months now, but have become irritable around her. i know she feels it. she cries about losing me and i dont want to lose her- not even asa gf but as a person,
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
but how do you walk away from someone who really has nobody?
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((Steve))
again please look at it from the perspective of unselfish love ~
You are cheating her of the opportunity to find her self, the dignity, her self-respect, her own path to a better way of life
The more I did for my loved ones, the less they could do for themselves -
a butterfly must struggle out of the cocoon to help form their wings be able to fly ~
She has unlimited resources - A God of her understanding, numerous recovery programs and treatment centers, and millions of other recoverying people in this world
You found help right?
Allow her the same wonderful opportunity!
PINK HUGS!
Rita
again please look at it from the perspective of unselfish love ~
You are cheating her of the opportunity to find her self, the dignity, her self-respect, her own path to a better way of life
The more I did for my loved ones, the less they could do for themselves -
a butterfly must struggle out of the cocoon to help form their wings be able to fly ~
She has unlimited resources - A God of her understanding, numerous recovery programs and treatment centers, and millions of other recoverying people in this world
You found help right?
Allow her the same wonderful opportunity!
PINK HUGS!
Rita
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
i really believe that her relationship with me is keeping her from completely self destructing again, but athe same time she is in active addiction
change your perspective - just for a minute -
who are you to deny this person her bottom?
when did you grow wings?
we neither give, or take someone's opportunity.
that's the job of a Power Greater Than Ourselves.
never was you.
never will be.
I think if you see it from a perspective of us codies
actually being in the way
more than we're erring on the side of helping...
I think that might help you to figure this out.
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Steve, with me it was my daughter...I was afraid of losing her to addiction...I was even more afraid of losing her love... if I found the courage to do what I knew was right deep down...but I was riding the codie coaster so hard I couldn't not see how much I was trying to control everything...including her outcome...and I just didn't have that kind of power...and I couldn't love her well...
the real turning point for me was when I finally saw that I was actually doing harm, standing in the way of her and the consequences of her addiction....and robbing her of her process, and her dignity...
that shocked me to my core...and I couldn't get out of the way fast enough..
and that was when I began to let her go, knowing in my heart, it was the kindness, most loving thing I could do...
she only began to shift in her trajectory when she look up one day realized , that I was no longer standing there with a pillow in my hand ready to slip in under her bottom, should she fall...she knew then it was just her, just up to her to fix her life...
Today, she is one year and two months sober.
((Steve)) I know this is heartwrenching...you and your girlfriend are in my prayers
the real turning point for me was when I finally saw that I was actually doing harm, standing in the way of her and the consequences of her addiction....and robbing her of her process, and her dignity...
that shocked me to my core...and I couldn't get out of the way fast enough..
and that was when I began to let her go, knowing in my heart, it was the kindness, most loving thing I could do...
she only began to shift in her trajectory when she look up one day realized , that I was no longer standing there with a pillow in my hand ready to slip in under her bottom, should she fall...she knew then it was just her, just up to her to fix her life...
Today, she is one year and two months sober.
((Steve)) I know this is heartwrenching...you and your girlfriend are in my prayers
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
Steve,
Do you see how faulty your logic is right now? You said that you don't want to leave because she'll self destruct; but she's in active addiction. Where I come from, active addiction is one of the worst kinds of self destruction. And she's doing so, even with you in the picture.
All this talk about her not having anywhere to go, etc... don't ever forget how resourceful addicts are. If she wants a place to stay, she will figure it out. I promise. There are shelters. She may call up a long lost friend that you don't know about.
And detaching doesn't mean you have to stop caring, but rather that you care enough to no longer enable.
I join Ann and others who have said that we love you here and we are behind you 100%.
Do you see how faulty your logic is right now? You said that you don't want to leave because she'll self destruct; but she's in active addiction. Where I come from, active addiction is one of the worst kinds of self destruction. And she's doing so, even with you in the picture.
All this talk about her not having anywhere to go, etc... don't ever forget how resourceful addicts are. If she wants a place to stay, she will figure it out. I promise. There are shelters. She may call up a long lost friend that you don't know about.
And detaching doesn't mean you have to stop caring, but rather that you care enough to no longer enable.
I join Ann and others who have said that we love you here and we are behind you 100%.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
The whole 12 steps thing boils down to ego.
The addict/alcoholic has to let go of the fantasy that they are unique and can control the substance.
The codependent has to let go of the fantasy that they are unique and they alone stand between life and death, and thus control other people.
It's the same bloody demon....EGO.
Seems to me that the pay off for the the addict/alcoholic is becoming numb to life as is/where is. What's in it for us codependents?
The more we focus on fixing someone else, the less we focus on fixing the only thing we can control, ourselves.
The addict/alcoholic has to let go of the fantasy that they are unique and can control the substance.
The codependent has to let go of the fantasy that they are unique and they alone stand between life and death, and thus control other people.
It's the same bloody demon....EGO.
Seems to me that the pay off for the the addict/alcoholic is becoming numb to life as is/where is. What's in it for us codependents?
The more we focus on fixing someone else, the less we focus on fixing the only thing we can control, ourselves.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Steve,
I understand what you feel.
I think that when we try to help, that is what we are trying to do.
i do not think it has a bit of ego to it, just that we want the person to live, and we see them as helpless. it is scary, i know, to let go.
if we saw someone struggling to get up from the floor, we would reach down and help them up- nothing there says we have a big ego, or feel like we are the only one who can do it. maybe we are the only ones who care to help. you have a good heart. it is not always about us.
truth is, she can get help, when she wants it. there are shelters, programs, and treatment for people like her. you will be lost in her sickness, if you continue to shelter and protect her until she wants help herself. i know that it can make us sick as well, to try to keep someone afloat, who will not take the cement shoes off of their feet.
i dont know much about your story, but i know how you are feeling. it is hard to let go of someone who seems totally helpless. but she is not. she has choices, and she is being selfish, maybe, to let you do all the worrying, while she hurts herself. maybe she would not be able to hurt herself as much, if she had to do more of her own rescuing?
hugs,
chicory
I understand what you feel.
I think that when we try to help, that is what we are trying to do.
i do not think it has a bit of ego to it, just that we want the person to live, and we see them as helpless. it is scary, i know, to let go.
if we saw someone struggling to get up from the floor, we would reach down and help them up- nothing there says we have a big ego, or feel like we are the only one who can do it. maybe we are the only ones who care to help. you have a good heart. it is not always about us.
truth is, she can get help, when she wants it. there are shelters, programs, and treatment for people like her. you will be lost in her sickness, if you continue to shelter and protect her until she wants help herself. i know that it can make us sick as well, to try to keep someone afloat, who will not take the cement shoes off of their feet.
i dont know much about your story, but i know how you are feeling. it is hard to let go of someone who seems totally helpless. but she is not. she has choices, and she is being selfish, maybe, to let you do all the worrying, while she hurts herself. maybe she would not be able to hurt herself as much, if she had to do more of her own rescuing?
hugs,
chicory
work in progress
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
You seem like you are looking for an answer that is your "fix"... just like the addict goes looking for theirs.
There is no "magic wand" answer.
No, you can't love her into sobriety... not ONE of us would be here if that were possible.
It won't be until you realize this... that then you will start to look at yourself in your own cracked mirror.
Go back to the 3 C's....
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can cure it
It took me 10 YEARS of trying before I came to realize that in MY WORLD... I am the sick one. And maybe.... just maybe I kept surrounding myself with people that needed "fixing" so I would feel better about my own shortcomings.
Just sayin.
There is no "magic wand" answer.
No, you can't love her into sobriety... not ONE of us would be here if that were possible.
It won't be until you realize this... that then you will start to look at yourself in your own cracked mirror.
Go back to the 3 C's....
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can cure it
It took me 10 YEARS of trying before I came to realize that in MY WORLD... I am the sick one. And maybe.... just maybe I kept surrounding myself with people that needed "fixing" so I would feel better about my own shortcomings.
Just sayin.
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Steve,
I shared a little with you regarding how I figured out how to step away, but the most important part of my journey with me was finding out that I was a raving, flaming codie given the right situation
I had no clue...
I loved my daughter and almost lost her to cancer when she was young..
I was justified in doing everything in my power to save her this time, right?
when she was four, it was really up to her and God...I knew then where I left off and He took over...
But this time was different...and I couldn't see any lines and I was full of fear ...obsessed...I was convinced it was my job to save her...it did not occur to me that she could save herself...I could not see 'her' because I was so busy trying to save her...I had lost all perspective...my life had become unmanageable...and I was out of control...
and then I came, here desperate for some way to save her...here I discovered to my shock and relief that I was a codependent...
here I learned that I needed to save myself...I was as sick as my daughter...we both needed recovery, but I learned to separate our processes; that I had no control over her process, never did, only mine...
and so I began to heal...I used the word relief because finally I had the
piece to the puzzle...something that caused me so much pain for so long...just didn't know or understand why...wasn't ready to see it until now...
here is one of the best bits: I have always been a codie as I look back now......I have my daughter and her journey with addiction to thank for mirroring my addiction back to me...I am thankful for my codie recovery every single day...that part of me that I couldn't understand, access, that I loathed, today I love, every wart...
my daughter has taught me so much about love...she showed me a part of myself that needed to come into the light to be whole...
Steve, I believe these events in our life are about more than the crisis or the heartbreak in our lives...they are always teaching moments, opportunities for us to find the courage if we are willing to look ourselves, at our part, in the dance, to open to change in the face of fear and grow beyond where we are...they really are a gift...
I shared a little with you regarding how I figured out how to step away, but the most important part of my journey with me was finding out that I was a raving, flaming codie given the right situation
I had no clue...
I loved my daughter and almost lost her to cancer when she was young..
I was justified in doing everything in my power to save her this time, right?
when she was four, it was really up to her and God...I knew then where I left off and He took over...
But this time was different...and I couldn't see any lines and I was full of fear ...obsessed...I was convinced it was my job to save her...it did not occur to me that she could save herself...I could not see 'her' because I was so busy trying to save her...I had lost all perspective...my life had become unmanageable...and I was out of control...
and then I came, here desperate for some way to save her...here I discovered to my shock and relief that I was a codependent...
here I learned that I needed to save myself...I was as sick as my daughter...we both needed recovery, but I learned to separate our processes; that I had no control over her process, never did, only mine...
and so I began to heal...I used the word relief because finally I had the
piece to the puzzle...something that caused me so much pain for so long...just didn't know or understand why...wasn't ready to see it until now...
here is one of the best bits: I have always been a codie as I look back now......I have my daughter and her journey with addiction to thank for mirroring my addiction back to me...I am thankful for my codie recovery every single day...that part of me that I couldn't understand, access, that I loathed, today I love, every wart...
my daughter has taught me so much about love...she showed me a part of myself that needed to come into the light to be whole...
Steve, I believe these events in our life are about more than the crisis or the heartbreak in our lives...they are always teaching moments, opportunities for us to find the courage if we are willing to look ourselves, at our part, in the dance, to open to change in the face of fear and grow beyond where we are...they really are a gift...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
thank you all. i know what i have to do. i have set my goal for monday wit ha firm boundary. i will say i will take her to salvation army if she wants to go or i will have to leave her somewhere else. if she goes, but tests positive i will offerto take her to the hospital. i love her but want my life back
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 24
Originally Posted by steve1840 
thank you all. i know what i have to do. i have set my goal for monday wit ha firm boundary. i will say i will take her to salvation army if she wants to go or i will have to leave her somewhere else. if she goes, but tests positive i will offerto take her to the hospital. i love her but want my life back
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
Wow, have I ever been there.
You may think she has noone and no resources and you are the only thing keeping her together.
Your wrong..........but you may not be seeing that, just like I did.
You have to get to a point that you can let her go and let her face her own consequences. And I mean really let go. Go on with your life with no expectations of having her in it. She may get clean, she may not, she may get clean and go her own way, what is going to happen will happen, it's God's choice. And you have no power over it. The only thing you have power over is yourself.
If you don't your gonna go down in flames, I know this firsthand. And it is not pretty at all. Losing your sanity, losing yourself and just becoming a dirty reflection of the addict in your life that you are struggling so hard to help. Your as sick as she is, I was as sick as mine is.
To be blunt, and I can say this because I have lived it, your not helping her, not one bit, as long as she has you around what incentive is there for change? Addicts are emoitional vampires and as long as she is activly using she will suck the life right out of you.
Once I finally let go I soon found he did have resources and he would survive without me around. Beleive me active addicts when dumped into the sea of life will float, and not only that they always manage to attract others like themselves to float with.
Give her the chance to live her life. Give yourself the chance to live yours. I sincerely hope you do before you lose yourself.
Hugs,
Teggie
You may think she has noone and no resources and you are the only thing keeping her together.
Your wrong..........but you may not be seeing that, just like I did.
You have to get to a point that you can let her go and let her face her own consequences. And I mean really let go. Go on with your life with no expectations of having her in it. She may get clean, she may not, she may get clean and go her own way, what is going to happen will happen, it's God's choice. And you have no power over it. The only thing you have power over is yourself.
If you don't your gonna go down in flames, I know this firsthand. And it is not pretty at all. Losing your sanity, losing yourself and just becoming a dirty reflection of the addict in your life that you are struggling so hard to help. Your as sick as she is, I was as sick as mine is.
To be blunt, and I can say this because I have lived it, your not helping her, not one bit, as long as she has you around what incentive is there for change? Addicts are emoitional vampires and as long as she is activly using she will suck the life right out of you.
Once I finally let go I soon found he did have resources and he would survive without me around. Beleive me active addicts when dumped into the sea of life will float, and not only that they always manage to attract others like themselves to float with.
Give her the chance to live her life. Give yourself the chance to live yours. I sincerely hope you do before you lose yourself.
Hugs,
Teggie
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Originally Posted by Teggie
Wow, have I ever been there.
You may think she has noone and no resources and you are the only thing keeping her together.
Your wrong..........but you may not be seeing that, just like I did.
You have to get to a point that you can let her go and let her face her own consequences. And I mean really let go. Go on with your life with no expectations of having her in it. She may get clean, she may not, she may get clean and go her own way, what is going to happen will happen, it's God's choice. And you have no power over it. The only thing you have power over is yourself.
If you don't your gonna go down in flames, I know this firsthand. And it is not pretty at all. Losing your sanity, losing yourself and just becoming a dirty reflection of the addict in your life that you are struggling so hard to help. Your as sick as she is, I was as sick as mine is.
To be blunt, and I can say this because I have lived it, your not helping her, not one bit, as long as she has you around what incentive is there for change? Addicts are emoitional vampires and as long as she is activly using she will suck the life right out of you.
Once I finally let go I soon found he did have resources and he would survive without me around. Beleive me active addicts when dumped into the sea of life will float, and not only that they always manage to attract others like themselves to float with.
Give her the chance to live her life. Give yourself the chance to live yours. I sincerely hope you do before you lose yourself.
Hugs,
Teggie
You may think she has noone and no resources and you are the only thing keeping her together.
Your wrong..........but you may not be seeing that, just like I did.
You have to get to a point that you can let her go and let her face her own consequences. And I mean really let go. Go on with your life with no expectations of having her in it. She may get clean, she may not, she may get clean and go her own way, what is going to happen will happen, it's God's choice. And you have no power over it. The only thing you have power over is yourself.
If you don't your gonna go down in flames, I know this firsthand. And it is not pretty at all. Losing your sanity, losing yourself and just becoming a dirty reflection of the addict in your life that you are struggling so hard to help. Your as sick as she is, I was as sick as mine is.
To be blunt, and I can say this because I have lived it, your not helping her, not one bit, as long as she has you around what incentive is there for change? Addicts are emoitional vampires and as long as she is activly using she will suck the life right out of you.
Once I finally let go I soon found he did have resources and he would survive without me around. Beleive me active addicts when dumped into the sea of life will float, and not only that they always manage to attract others like themselves to float with.
Give her the chance to live her life. Give yourself the chance to live yours. I sincerely hope you do before you lose yourself.
Hugs,
Teggie
So very well said.
A lot of strength comes through your post.
hugs,
chicory
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