back- with my tail between my legs
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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back- with my tail between my legs
well, back in june i discovered that someone i care deeply about was on the streets doing heroin and crack. i searched to find her. i helped her see her mom who flew in from across the country. i have provided her with a place. she went to detox in july but left early. she just went back last week and finished. the problem was that because they gave her subs she coiuld not get intothe rehab place yet. so she used- again- both drugs, not nearly as much as she had been.
she talks about geting clean alot, says she wants to spend her life with me. i have seen her taper down her use, but any use is bad. i have set boundaries and broken them, i have enabled. i love her and dont want her on the streets of a baad city again, but i am broke now and have relatives staying with me. i dont know what to do. i dont want to abandon her, i dont want her going on a binge, i feel i have become the addict, i am lost. i have read codi no more and explored my behavior, but i do not know what to do about hte situation. i dont want her to hate me. i dont want her to die. she is supposed to go into rehab monday. i know without me she will use for sure and not go, and has no way to get there anyway without me. i am scared.
she says i mena the world to her and she is very guilty about what she has put me through- i believe that. i have started going to naranon again, but i am constantly filled with anxiety. any help?
she talks about geting clean alot, says she wants to spend her life with me. i have seen her taper down her use, but any use is bad. i have set boundaries and broken them, i have enabled. i love her and dont want her on the streets of a baad city again, but i am broke now and have relatives staying with me. i dont know what to do. i dont want to abandon her, i dont want her going on a binge, i feel i have become the addict, i am lost. i have read codi no more and explored my behavior, but i do not know what to do about hte situation. i dont want her to hate me. i dont want her to die. she is supposed to go into rehab monday. i know without me she will use for sure and not go, and has no way to get there anyway without me. i am scared.
she says i mena the world to her and she is very guilty about what she has put me through- i believe that. i have started going to naranon again, but i am constantly filled with anxiety. any help?
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by steve1840 
i know without me she will use for sure and not go, and has no way to get there anyway without me.
Accepting, really getting step #1, that I am powerless, is "drop to your knees" humbling stuff.
She is an addict doing what addicts do. If and when she is ready, she will find her own way, even if she has to crawl, to get there.
This is no different than we codependents doing what codependents do. If and when we are ready to let go of the fantasy that we have control over other people and their choices, we begin our crawl, too.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Steve
I'm sorry that you are dealing with addiction with someone you care about deeply. It hurts.
I have seen my AS drop to his knees in desperation a number of times. Sobbing. Crying. Breaking my heart. It's terrible to watch and I want so desperately to help him. But he hasn't gotten to the point that HE wants to help himself MORE than I want to help him. He knows that the offer of rehab is on the table if he wants it. But we've already done one intervention. I won't do another one.
Keep going to Naranon....and doing the things that you need to do for yourself. Those of us dealing with addicts need a krytonyte shield to protect us.......and helping ourselves first is the closest thing we have to it.
gentle hugs
I'm sorry that you are dealing with addiction with someone you care about deeply. It hurts.
I have seen my AS drop to his knees in desperation a number of times. Sobbing. Crying. Breaking my heart. It's terrible to watch and I want so desperately to help him. But he hasn't gotten to the point that HE wants to help himself MORE than I want to help him. He knows that the offer of rehab is on the table if he wants it. But we've already done one intervention. I won't do another one.
Keep going to Naranon....and doing the things that you need to do for yourself. Those of us dealing with addicts need a krytonyte shield to protect us.......and helping ourselves first is the closest thing we have to it.
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Yoo-hoo, Steve. I am talking about you, not her.
Addicts fall to their knees all the time, especially when they are hurting for their next fix. It's predictable stuff.
Same way with us codependents. We often go through the motions of setting up boundaries and then drive a truck right over them cause it's just so hard to let go of the fantasy that we control other people and their choices.
Addicts fall to their knees all the time, especially when they are hurting for their next fix. It's predictable stuff.
Same way with us codependents. We often go through the motions of setting up boundaries and then drive a truck right over them cause it's just so hard to let go of the fantasy that we control other people and their choices.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
any help?
Work the recovery you wish she would work. Right?
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((Steve))
Please know this is said with love, heathy compassion and a strong dose of reality ~
She hasn't gone to rehab nor has she stopped using WITH YOU!!!!!
As much as you believe you are helping her - the cold hard facts are you are not - just as I didn't when I continued to "help" the addicts/alcoholics in my life.
I stepped out of their way - some got sober - some didn't - It was their choice - it had nothing to do with me - I need to give them the dignity and self-respect to decide for themselves ~ I was robbing them of that opportunity for growth.
Hope you are able to keep attending Nar-Anon -have the Sharing E, S, & H book - love love love it!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Please know this is said with love, heathy compassion and a strong dose of reality ~
She hasn't gone to rehab nor has she stopped using WITH YOU!!!!!
As much as you believe you are helping her - the cold hard facts are you are not - just as I didn't when I continued to "help" the addicts/alcoholics in my life.
I stepped out of their way - some got sober - some didn't - It was their choice - it had nothing to do with me - I need to give them the dignity and self-respect to decide for themselves ~ I was robbing them of that opportunity for growth.
Hope you are able to keep attending Nar-Anon -have the Sharing E, S, & H book - love love love it!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
thank you for that. i just dont know how to walk away. i have ended relationships before, but i knew those women would be ok, in that they would be able to pick up the pieces and move on. i knew they had friends, family, homes, jobs, etc. with this one i REALLY am her only friend and her family is just unavailable.
i dont know how to do it.
i dont know how to do it.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
with this one i REALLY am her only friend and her family is just unavailable.
Steve, you CANNOT SAVE HER. As a matter of fact you are enhancing her road to her grave.
It was not until family and friends said NO MORE to me. They shut the door on me, if I came to the door it was closed in my face, if I called on the phone they HUNG UP and if I had attempted to steal from them they WOULD HAVE CALLED THE POLICE.
It still took me 2 1/2 more years to find recovery and the last year and a half I lived on the filthy streets of Hollyweird. I found recovery at 3 weeks shy of my 36th birthday.
It was THE BEST THING EVER THAT MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS EVER DID FOR ME. They let me find my own way.
You are not 'helping' her, you are ENABLING and HINDERING her.
Now, what are you going to do to work on you? and get off the roller coaster ride of HER ADDICTION?
J M H O
Love and hugs,
ps I found recovery over 29 years ago now, so you see they did not 'abandon' me, they gave me the dignity of finding my own way, and WANTING recovery with every fiber of my being.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Hello, is the party to whom we are not talking? Everyone here has voiced the same concerns. They are with you, not your addict. Your helping the addict has accomplished nothing, it only has extended her ability to reach her bottom.
She is an adult, her family has no obligation to "save her", not that they could.
As for her dropping to her knees and wailing, that is part of the drama addicts use to get their way. They are master manipulators, they can cry at the drop of a hat,,,,if it serves their purpose.
Plain and simple, she playing you like a fine tuned instrument.
You want to help her? NO CONTACT, let her figure this out on her own, you and her family didn't force her into drugs, and, you cannot force her into recorvery.
Hands off the addict!
She is an adult, her family has no obligation to "save her", not that they could.
As for her dropping to her knees and wailing, that is part of the drama addicts use to get their way. They are master manipulators, they can cry at the drop of a hat,,,,if it serves their purpose.
Plain and simple, she playing you like a fine tuned instrument.
You want to help her? NO CONTACT, let her figure this out on her own, you and her family didn't force her into drugs, and, you cannot force her into recorvery.
Hands off the addict!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Steve))) - the only thing you're helping her with, is keeping her from finding her bottom. Sorry, I know that's harsh, but I did the same for my 3 XABF's.
She's going to use, if she wants to. You, pretty much, LET her use around you, so how is it you think you're helping her? Giving her a place to crash?
It wasn't until I dealt with being homeless and then, in jail, was I ready to deal with my addiction.
I loved my 3rd XABF, dearly, but I let him go. I loved him enough to let him deal with the consequences of his actions, just as my family did me.
You can't expect her to deal with HER addiction to the dope, if YOU can't deal with your addiction to HER. Besides, no matter what you expect of her, she's going to do what she's going to do. You're just now that powerful to make her change. None of us are.
Big hugs and prayers to you!
Amy
She's going to use, if she wants to. You, pretty much, LET her use around you, so how is it you think you're helping her? Giving her a place to crash?
It wasn't until I dealt with being homeless and then, in jail, was I ready to deal with my addiction.
I loved my 3rd XABF, dearly, but I let him go. I loved him enough to let him deal with the consequences of his actions, just as my family did me.
You can't expect her to deal with HER addiction to the dope, if YOU can't deal with your addiction to HER. Besides, no matter what you expect of her, she's going to do what she's going to do. You're just now that powerful to make her change. None of us are.
Big hugs and prayers to you!
Amy
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
Originally Posted by steve1840
well, back in june i discovered that someone i care deeply about was on the streets doing heroin and crack. i searched to find her. i helped her see her mom who flew in from across the country. i have provided her with a place. she went to detox in july but left early. she just went back last week and finished. the problem was that because they gave her subs she coiuld not get intothe rehab place yet. so she used- again- both drugs, not nearly as much as she had been.
she talks about geting clean alot, says she wants to spend her life with me.
I heard the same thing from my exabf but it just isn't possible with an active addict. They are not capable.
i have seen her taper down her use, but any use is bad. i have set boundaries and broken them, i have enabled. i love her and dont want her on the streets of a baad city again, but i am broke now and have relatives staying with me. i dont know what to do.
You take care of yourself and relatives. That's all you can do.
i dont want to abandon her, i dont want her going on a binge, i feel i have become the addict, i am lost.
She has abandoned herself dear. You have no control over if she binges or not and you can't stop her.
i have read codi no more and explored my behavior, but i do not know what to do about hte situation. i dont want her to hate me.
Trust me....she won't hate you no more than she hates herself. If she chooses to get clean and sober and walk the path the right way, she will actually respect you more that you were able to let her go to find recovery.
i dont want her to die. she is supposed to go into rehab monday. i know without me she will use for sure and not go, and has no way to get there anyway without me. i am scared.
She will use if you are there for her or not. That's addiction. She will not go or go to rehab if you are there supporting her or not. It means more Steve, when they go on their own will.
she says i mena the world to her and she is very guilty about what she has put me through- i believe that.
I beleive it too Steve. This is the common mantra of addicts. Their actions cause guilt because they know their behavior is hurtful to others. However, in active addiction, their primary love is with the drug and not you or us. It's nothing personal, at least that's how I had to rationalize it, to keep myself from hating my exabf.
i have started going to naranon again, but i am constantly filled with anxiety. any help?
she talks about geting clean alot, says she wants to spend her life with me.
I heard the same thing from my exabf but it just isn't possible with an active addict. They are not capable.
i have seen her taper down her use, but any use is bad. i have set boundaries and broken them, i have enabled. i love her and dont want her on the streets of a baad city again, but i am broke now and have relatives staying with me. i dont know what to do.
You take care of yourself and relatives. That's all you can do.
i dont want to abandon her, i dont want her going on a binge, i feel i have become the addict, i am lost.
She has abandoned herself dear. You have no control over if she binges or not and you can't stop her.
i have read codi no more and explored my behavior, but i do not know what to do about hte situation. i dont want her to hate me.
Trust me....she won't hate you no more than she hates herself. If she chooses to get clean and sober and walk the path the right way, she will actually respect you more that you were able to let her go to find recovery.
i dont want her to die. she is supposed to go into rehab monday. i know without me she will use for sure and not go, and has no way to get there anyway without me. i am scared.
She will use if you are there for her or not. That's addiction. She will not go or go to rehab if you are there supporting her or not. It means more Steve, when they go on their own will.
she says i mena the world to her and she is very guilty about what she has put me through- i believe that.
I beleive it too Steve. This is the common mantra of addicts. Their actions cause guilt because they know their behavior is hurtful to others. However, in active addiction, their primary love is with the drug and not you or us. It's nothing personal, at least that's how I had to rationalize it, to keep myself from hating my exabf.
i have started going to naranon again, but i am constantly filled with anxiety. any help?
((HUGS)) I know this feeling all too well.
work in progress
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
steve1840 "i just don't know how to walk away."
I didn't either. I didn't want Mr.Sofa to hurt himself, or die. None of us want that for our loved ones. None of us.
It wasn't until I realized that I was as sick as he is... that this WASN'T the first relationship I have had that made me feel like I was a "savior"... and it wasn't until I realized that I had had enough... I had hit my own emotional bottom, that I knew I was ready to let go.
I wasn't saving anyone. Usually it was like putting a band aid on a bullet wound. A temporary "fix".
Now I listen to others that have been through what i have been through. I follow directions, and know that I can only work on Me.
Maybe you should read your book again... re set your boundaries and write them down.
And just trust that she has her own bottom she needs to get to, without you.
Ask yourself.... with all that "help" you've given her.... has it worked? Is she sober?
Or as Outto suggested... is this about your EGO?
I didn't either. I didn't want Mr.Sofa to hurt himself, or die. None of us want that for our loved ones. None of us.
It wasn't until I realized that I was as sick as he is... that this WASN'T the first relationship I have had that made me feel like I was a "savior"... and it wasn't until I realized that I had had enough... I had hit my own emotional bottom, that I knew I was ready to let go.
I wasn't saving anyone. Usually it was like putting a band aid on a bullet wound. A temporary "fix".
Now I listen to others that have been through what i have been through. I follow directions, and know that I can only work on Me.
Maybe you should read your book again... re set your boundaries and write them down.
And just trust that she has her own bottom she needs to get to, without you.
Ask yourself.... with all that "help" you've given her.... has it worked? Is she sober?
Or as Outto suggested... is this about your EGO?
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
she is supposed to go into rehab monday. i know without me she will use for sure and not go, and has no way to get there anyway without me.
So take her to rehab Monday and tell her this is the end of the road. She can choose to work the program or not. But be clear to her that you're done and you're going to work on yourself.
So take her to rehab Monday and tell her this is the end of the road. She can choose to work the program or not. But be clear to her that you're done and you're going to work on yourself.
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