Mom wants me to lie about my sister being in detox
 

My sister and I are both grown adults but my mom has asked me to lie about where she's at when we go to a family event this weekend. My mom also told me last night that my sister does not know that I know where she's at and instead she's in some sort of "life skills program." I see this as enabling and refuse to lie, however, I also don't think I should be the one to tell extended family members when the subject of where she is (inevitably) comes up. So....do I tell people the truth - that she's in detox again? Or do I say...you'll just have to ask my mom? She's putting me in an incredibly uncomfortable position and I'm really not sure how to respond to it. Any suggestions?

Do you think that telling your relatives that your sister is in detox is your responsibility? Personally, I don't - but I tend to shy away from "outing" people. I think it's inappropriate. It's sort of like sticking my nose in someone elses private business. There's a fine line between sharing what's important and gossiping.

Can't you just say, she couldn't make it or I'm not sure, and walk away?

Its a tough one for me .My family does this kind of BS . Personally, if its a disease, why wouldnt you tell people she's in treatment. Sounds like this is not round one here and that the family is aware of her addiction. This kind of stuff has put a wedge between my family and I. Secret keeping is immature.. I'm over it.don't tell me and then tell me not to tell..ridiculous!

Not your business, not your problem. If asked, simply say:

"I don't know, ask mom."

Put the ball back in your mother's court where it belongs.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

"She couldn't make it" sounds like a good answer (thanks hello-kitty).

If asked why, repeat the phrase "she couldn't make it".

Personally, I never felt shame when my son was in detox or rehab...at least he was trying to do something about his problem.

But I get very annoyed when people pursue questions that are obviously not about to be answered. I share selectively with people I trust who understand, not on demand.

Good luck, let us know how it goes.

Hugs

Personally, I dont think its anyones business. Why do they need to know. I too would just say 'she couldnt make it today'.

I remember when my mother told all our friends and relatives about my sister being an 'alcoholic' it created such a load of gossiping b.s. and they all felt sorry for my mother, not my sister. Telling them actually created a nightmare because it gave my sister the licence to ring them all up and tell them what she thought of them. (when she was intoxicated of course). It went from embarassment for my sister to 'you are all against me, so Ill give it back to you'.
JJ

I agree that it is not your place to divulge such sensitive information. What if you were the one in detox? Would you be OK with your sister telling your entire family about your situation? "She had some other plans" seems more than enough of an answer.

JMHO.

Thanks everyone. I've never been in this situation before and like the very simple "she couldn't make it" line.

I concur.

I've seen family go into denial on this and many other issues, not just a substance abuser. Depending on what generation or era they are from they're extremely private or worried about shame.

Outing someone is not the best idea but if their addiction and rehab explain things especially in a conversation that came up that's another. You can ask for confidentiality but the issue won't be a 'secret' much longer. You also might find out your predicament is not so unusual. Explain it , don't exploit it.

Just a FYI...this thread is nearly 6 years old...

I know. Some internet forums frown on duplicate threads for the same topic. It costs them storage space. Mine was going to be almost the samething "Family Wants Me To Lie About Addict".

I should've noted that in the beginning of my post "Although an older thread the topic is the same". The shoe fits in this case.

I should also note or comment that somethings never change or hold true over time.

Apologies if bringing up the past offended someone involved or who previously commented.

Thequest, so are you in a similar situation to the original poster? There were some good thoughts on the issue.

Totally agree! I share with whomever I choose, not with everyone who asks. I figure -- is this person going to give me love and support? or give love and support to my son? Do they have knowledge to share and would be an excellent person to talk to? Or are they nosy and likely to gossip.