Is there any chance for us? Hurting pretty badly,,,
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 187
Is there any chance for us? Hurting pretty badly,,,
Hi, and thanks to anyone in advance for responding. I'm hurting pretty badly right now and don't really have anyone to talk to.
I met the most amazing man several months ago and soon came to find that he was suffering from a horrid painkiller addiction. He swept me off my feet and showered me with love and affection in the beginning, before I had a clear sense of the severity of his problem, and I fell hard and things moved fast and we got really close and shared a lot in common (more than I had with anyone ever) and the MOST intense physical attraction ever. I dismissed warnings from my family (he's a family friend) about him being an addict, and felt I could help and fix him and all would be wonderful.
As time went on his behavior changed, or his mask came off. It was increasingly awful, he was abusive...cut himself, attempted suicide in front of me, verbally assaulted me, cried and apologized, begged me not to abandon him, etc. One night after taking 30 pills and drinking some he put his hands around my neck during a fight and choked me, threatening to kill me all the while. I think this woke him up, because I know the last thing he wanted to do was hurt me, and he checked himself into rehab the very next morning (he asked me to find a place for him and take him and I did). I went back to the East Coast for a few months to take myself out of the situation, be with family and work to save some money before going back west.
He's very fortunate to come from a wealthy family that is paying for him to live in a sober living seaside four star resort place for 9 months to a year. While he was still in rehab he wrote me letters saying it was me who brought him to this point, and that he loved and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. He has been pretty consistent about staying together throughout his recovery, and has been really working hard and taking it seriously.
It's only been less than 2 months he's been clean, and my time to return to the west coast is coming up really soon. Well, today he called me and sort of broke up with me. He said he loves me, but that he freaked about me coming back, and he's still a mess and that I can't have any expectations. He said he doesn't know who he is, and that I might not like the person he becomes, and that he or I might change our minds about the relationship along the recovery road, and decide we want different things. He still hopes we can be together in the future, when it's right and healthy, six months to a year down the road, and he still wants to be friends (as long as I'm not with another man because that would "crush him") and wants to see me when I get out there and talk all the time.
WTF? I feel like he's really doing the right thing, but it kills me. He said it wouldn't be fair to ask me to put my life on hold for several months to a year while he works it out, but I wouldn't mind since I'm staying alone and taking care of me right now. Why did he have to break up w me? Is there any chance? Should I give up hope? His recovery is more important to me than us being together, but I really want a future with him. What should I do? Sorry so long...lol.
Also, I am an adult child of a severe alcoholic and I want to make sure we are healthy, and not codependent.
I met the most amazing man several months ago and soon came to find that he was suffering from a horrid painkiller addiction. He swept me off my feet and showered me with love and affection in the beginning, before I had a clear sense of the severity of his problem, and I fell hard and things moved fast and we got really close and shared a lot in common (more than I had with anyone ever) and the MOST intense physical attraction ever. I dismissed warnings from my family (he's a family friend) about him being an addict, and felt I could help and fix him and all would be wonderful.
As time went on his behavior changed, or his mask came off. It was increasingly awful, he was abusive...cut himself, attempted suicide in front of me, verbally assaulted me, cried and apologized, begged me not to abandon him, etc. One night after taking 30 pills and drinking some he put his hands around my neck during a fight and choked me, threatening to kill me all the while. I think this woke him up, because I know the last thing he wanted to do was hurt me, and he checked himself into rehab the very next morning (he asked me to find a place for him and take him and I did). I went back to the East Coast for a few months to take myself out of the situation, be with family and work to save some money before going back west.
He's very fortunate to come from a wealthy family that is paying for him to live in a sober living seaside four star resort place for 9 months to a year. While he was still in rehab he wrote me letters saying it was me who brought him to this point, and that he loved and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. He has been pretty consistent about staying together throughout his recovery, and has been really working hard and taking it seriously.
It's only been less than 2 months he's been clean, and my time to return to the west coast is coming up really soon. Well, today he called me and sort of broke up with me. He said he loves me, but that he freaked about me coming back, and he's still a mess and that I can't have any expectations. He said he doesn't know who he is, and that I might not like the person he becomes, and that he or I might change our minds about the relationship along the recovery road, and decide we want different things. He still hopes we can be together in the future, when it's right and healthy, six months to a year down the road, and he still wants to be friends (as long as I'm not with another man because that would "crush him") and wants to see me when I get out there and talk all the time.
WTF? I feel like he's really doing the right thing, but it kills me. He said it wouldn't be fair to ask me to put my life on hold for several months to a year while he works it out, but I wouldn't mind since I'm staying alone and taking care of me right now. Why did he have to break up w me? Is there any chance? Should I give up hope? His recovery is more important to me than us being together, but I really want a future with him. What should I do? Sorry so long...lol.
Also, I am an adult child of a severe alcoholic and I want to make sure we are healthy, and not codependent.
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Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
wow....that's a lot to take in. I'm glad that you have found this site. Anytime that we are affected by another person's alcohol and/or drug use we have a great reason to seek our own recovery. I've found a huge amount of help and hope (for me) in Alanon and Naranon. And from this site.
There are so many changes that occur during the first few years of sobriety or recovery ....and your friend is definitely correct about all of the changes, being a mess, etc. I know that it seems practically impossible but is there any way that you could step away from this situation and let things just unfold for him?
You've gone through a whole lot with him. Even if he was high or impaired he did try and choke you. If nothing else, that tells you what state he was in at the time that he decided to get sober. You say that he has tried to commit suicide as well. It sounds like he really does need the time and space to work on himself.
I really wish that I had been strong enough to step away from my husband when he was just starting out on his journey of becoming sober. Nothing is worth the price that I have paid. I certainly can't tell you to step away because I didn't. I can tell you that I deeply regret that I didn't though. As difficult as stepping away would have been, what I've gone through is even more difficult.
He really is trying to tell you in a clear way that trying to have a relationship - or the promise of one in the future - is not the best thing for him. It sounds like you have become very addicted to him - which is how it goes with an addict....they become our addiction. It is a visceral pain when we feel like we are losing our drug (which is the addict).
You've grown up in an alcoholic environment so I know that you want to avoid further unhealthy situations. The fact that you are reaching out is a great thing. Read the sticky's at the top of this forum, also read the books by Melody Beatty on co-dependency. Another great book is by Charlotte Kasl (Women, Sex, and Addiction). Finding some Alanon meetings would be a great idea too. Everyone told me to give it 6 tries at least and I'm glad that I did.
Years ago, a substance abuse counselor told me that the only chance my relationship with my husband would ever work is if we BOTH worked a strong recovery program. That meant many many meeetings a week for me, having a sponsor, and working the steps. Every moment that I have put into my own recovery has been worth it.
I'm sure that more folks will come along and will share their experience and wisdom with you.
Nobody really knows the answers to your questions but if you give it time, you will find them. There is nothing at all that is lost by stepping back, taking care of yourself, and seeing how he choses to go about his life. Right now, he is in the midst of a lot of changes and taking some time to see how it how turns out will give you all of the answers that you need. If he is going to make it he needs to do it on his own. The only way that a relationship with him would work is if he is able to find recovery for himself - and only himself. He needs to learn how to be responsible for himself before he even has the first thought about being responsible for being in a relationship.
I know that I am probably not giving you the answers that you want to hear but anything that I am saying is with a lot of caring and concern. If you are really willing to work on yourself (and I promise you, you are really worth it) you will find that you will be at peace with whatever happens between you.
I hope that you will keep coming back.
There are so many changes that occur during the first few years of sobriety or recovery ....and your friend is definitely correct about all of the changes, being a mess, etc. I know that it seems practically impossible but is there any way that you could step away from this situation and let things just unfold for him?
You've gone through a whole lot with him. Even if he was high or impaired he did try and choke you. If nothing else, that tells you what state he was in at the time that he decided to get sober. You say that he has tried to commit suicide as well. It sounds like he really does need the time and space to work on himself.
I really wish that I had been strong enough to step away from my husband when he was just starting out on his journey of becoming sober. Nothing is worth the price that I have paid. I certainly can't tell you to step away because I didn't. I can tell you that I deeply regret that I didn't though. As difficult as stepping away would have been, what I've gone through is even more difficult.
He really is trying to tell you in a clear way that trying to have a relationship - or the promise of one in the future - is not the best thing for him. It sounds like you have become very addicted to him - which is how it goes with an addict....they become our addiction. It is a visceral pain when we feel like we are losing our drug (which is the addict).
You've grown up in an alcoholic environment so I know that you want to avoid further unhealthy situations. The fact that you are reaching out is a great thing. Read the sticky's at the top of this forum, also read the books by Melody Beatty on co-dependency. Another great book is by Charlotte Kasl (Women, Sex, and Addiction). Finding some Alanon meetings would be a great idea too. Everyone told me to give it 6 tries at least and I'm glad that I did.
Years ago, a substance abuse counselor told me that the only chance my relationship with my husband would ever work is if we BOTH worked a strong recovery program. That meant many many meeetings a week for me, having a sponsor, and working the steps. Every moment that I have put into my own recovery has been worth it.
I'm sure that more folks will come along and will share their experience and wisdom with you.
Nobody really knows the answers to your questions but if you give it time, you will find them. There is nothing at all that is lost by stepping back, taking care of yourself, and seeing how he choses to go about his life. Right now, he is in the midst of a lot of changes and taking some time to see how it how turns out will give you all of the answers that you need. If he is going to make it he needs to do it on his own. The only way that a relationship with him would work is if he is able to find recovery for himself - and only himself. He needs to learn how to be responsible for himself before he even has the first thought about being responsible for being in a relationship.
I know that I am probably not giving you the answers that you want to hear but anything that I am saying is with a lot of caring and concern. If you are really willing to work on yourself (and I promise you, you are really worth it) you will find that you will be at peace with whatever happens between you.
I hope that you will keep coming back.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Nicam))) - welcome to SR!!
I'm sorry you're hurting, but ((Lightseeker)) is correct...we become addicted to the addict.
In all honesty, you don't even know the "real him" if he's been using the entire time you've known him. It's easy to focus on the good times, downplay the bad (I know I've done it, plenty) but in time, you may start to wonder if the good times really were? Was he high?
FWIW, I'm an RA (recovering addict) as well as a recovering codie. I spent more than 30 years in relationships with A's (addicts) and I was addicted to THEM every bit as much as I was to crack.
Recovery from addiction takes a lot of work, and if he's telling you he needs space, then believe him. I know it doesn't seem "fair" but he truly needs to find his own way in recovery, just as you do, yours. The book "Codependent No More" is an excellent book, meetings (al-anon or nar-anon) give you f2f support, and the people here at SR have helped me, tremendously.
I realized if I didn't start to work on ME, I'd just repeat my pattern and hook up with another A. It's not a life I wish on anyone, even though I'm a totally different person now that I'm in recovery.
Please keep reading and posting, here, and maybe check out the meetings. There is life after loving an addict, though I know it doesn't seem possible at the moment.
Incidentally, the reason ((Cynicalone)) asked about whether the rehab is co-ed, many RA's find "relationships" while in rehab. They think they've found the "true love that truly understands them". It rarely ever works out, but it happens when someone isn't as focused on recovery as they need to be.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I'm sorry you're hurting, but ((Lightseeker)) is correct...we become addicted to the addict.
In all honesty, you don't even know the "real him" if he's been using the entire time you've known him. It's easy to focus on the good times, downplay the bad (I know I've done it, plenty) but in time, you may start to wonder if the good times really were? Was he high?
FWIW, I'm an RA (recovering addict) as well as a recovering codie. I spent more than 30 years in relationships with A's (addicts) and I was addicted to THEM every bit as much as I was to crack.
Recovery from addiction takes a lot of work, and if he's telling you he needs space, then believe him. I know it doesn't seem "fair" but he truly needs to find his own way in recovery, just as you do, yours. The book "Codependent No More" is an excellent book, meetings (al-anon or nar-anon) give you f2f support, and the people here at SR have helped me, tremendously.
I realized if I didn't start to work on ME, I'd just repeat my pattern and hook up with another A. It's not a life I wish on anyone, even though I'm a totally different person now that I'm in recovery.
Please keep reading and posting, here, and maybe check out the meetings. There is life after loving an addict, though I know it doesn't seem possible at the moment.
Incidentally, the reason ((Cynicalone)) asked about whether the rehab is co-ed, many RA's find "relationships" while in rehab. They think they've found the "true love that truly understands them". It rarely ever works out, but it happens when someone isn't as focused on recovery as they need to be.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 187
Thanks, guys. No, the place is not co-ed, but he's moved to sober living and was in a co-ed rehab before for 30 days where I did have my suspicions about him and the girls there. Maybe that's it after all. I thought I was crazy for being suspicious, his communication was so inconsistent, and he had all the signs of cheating and lying, but I thought it was just what he was going through in his head...
The place he's in now is only men, and I don't think they'd let something like that continue, but one time he told me that a bunch of the people from the co-ed rehab had come to visit him in sober living (which I thought was strange), including this girl who had a crush on him and was sitting really close to him the whole time, which he claimed was "weird", and in that same conversation he told me he'd lost phone privileges for not being focused enough and watching too much TV, etc... Maybe it was due to that girl...
I don't know but I guess I need to let hope go and move on, but it's hard when we're still in contact and he still says he wants to be together in the future. When he was breaking up w me he kept saying, "I hope I'm doing the right thing because I don't want to be alone". Ugh, I'm such a fool. And yes, I'm horribly addicted to him. How do I break my addiction to him?
The place he's in now is only men, and I don't think they'd let something like that continue, but one time he told me that a bunch of the people from the co-ed rehab had come to visit him in sober living (which I thought was strange), including this girl who had a crush on him and was sitting really close to him the whole time, which he claimed was "weird", and in that same conversation he told me he'd lost phone privileges for not being focused enough and watching too much TV, etc... Maybe it was due to that girl...
I don't know but I guess I need to let hope go and move on, but it's hard when we're still in contact and he still says he wants to be together in the future. When he was breaking up w me he kept saying, "I hope I'm doing the right thing because I don't want to be alone". Ugh, I'm such a fool. And yes, I'm horribly addicted to him. How do I break my addiction to him?
it is what it is
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Griffin GA
Posts: 454
nicam - i am sorry you are in such a difficult situation - the wisdom of all those who have responded is of great value and i can't add much to it - one thing in your last post that caught my attention was your boyfriend's statement "I hope I'm doing the right thing because I don't want to be alone." my observation was the number of "I" 's in that sentence - he apparently is concerned with himself - which he should be at this time - it seems to be you would be very wise to be concerned about yourself as has been advised -
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
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nicam,
sorry you're in pain; glad you found us.
i think that what impurrfect said bears weight. you do not know the real him well enough to know if his interest in someone else has caused this. it may very well be, but he doesn't want to cut ties with you cuz, well after all, it might not work out. and then he will be alone - which you already know he fears.
it could well be that he knows he has to get his head straight. can he do this with you on the periphery of his life? sure. but he does need to focus and you could be a distraction. maybe he's taking his recovery really seriously.
it could well be that he is frightened out of his mind. having a relationship - for someone who is impaired emotionally - sober, is a very scary thing. he has intimacy issues, and he has been numbing the strength of his feelings for a long time. he is raw. it's something we non-addicts don't understand very well, but i know it's true. my xabf stopped having relations with me when his feelings for me became very strong and the our bond became very strong. of all the things he is afraid of, i think this one's the worst. too bad, since i would never have hurt him intentionally, or would not have left him if he were able to give me his whole heart and commit to recovery. he knew that, yet couldn't break free from the fears.
the bottom line is that right now at this moment what matters is that you guys are on break from one another. maybe it's for a few months, maybe forever. but you don't have to go there in your head right now. just stay here. and right here and now, you two are not a couple.
be sad. express your grief. but never despair that a beautiful life is there waiting for you.
sorry you're in pain; glad you found us.
i think that what impurrfect said bears weight. you do not know the real him well enough to know if his interest in someone else has caused this. it may very well be, but he doesn't want to cut ties with you cuz, well after all, it might not work out. and then he will be alone - which you already know he fears.
it could well be that he knows he has to get his head straight. can he do this with you on the periphery of his life? sure. but he does need to focus and you could be a distraction. maybe he's taking his recovery really seriously.
it could well be that he is frightened out of his mind. having a relationship - for someone who is impaired emotionally - sober, is a very scary thing. he has intimacy issues, and he has been numbing the strength of his feelings for a long time. he is raw. it's something we non-addicts don't understand very well, but i know it's true. my xabf stopped having relations with me when his feelings for me became very strong and the our bond became very strong. of all the things he is afraid of, i think this one's the worst. too bad, since i would never have hurt him intentionally, or would not have left him if he were able to give me his whole heart and commit to recovery. he knew that, yet couldn't break free from the fears.
the bottom line is that right now at this moment what matters is that you guys are on break from one another. maybe it's for a few months, maybe forever. but you don't have to go there in your head right now. just stay here. and right here and now, you two are not a couple.
be sad. express your grief. but never despair that a beautiful life is there waiting for you.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I am sorry, however, for now I would move on. Sounds like he playing both sides against the middle. At this stage in his recovery, he really doesn't need to be in a relationship, he needs to concentrate on his recovery.
Have you read "Codependent No More?" If not, I would suggest that you do so.
Read the stickeys, keep posting it will help.
Have you read "Codependent No More?" If not, I would suggest that you do so.
Read the stickeys, keep posting it will help.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 187
I have read "Codependent No More", and it's a great book. I think I need to really take the next steps in MY recovery, but right now I can't stop hurting over him. I guess I just don't understand why he had to break up with me when I would have been more than willing to give him whatever space and time he needed while I heal myself. Unless of course there was someone else, and he was just keeping me around knowing that rehab romances don't work because he doesn't want to be alone...
He says he still wants to talk all the time and see me when I get out there to see if I like the real him, but how is that conducive to getting over someone? It's like torture...breaking up with someone and keeping the hope alive, keeping in contact, etc... And then he says he can't be my friend if I'm with someone else?
Should I tell him that I have to cut off contact until I'm over him, and the hope that we can be together in the future? I know he's taking his recovery very seriously, and I'm happy for him in that respect. I don't know how to stop obsessing over him and hurting though. I don't know what to say to him when he calls, or what to do. I'm finding it impossible to focus on me right now...
He says he still wants to talk all the time and see me when I get out there to see if I like the real him, but how is that conducive to getting over someone? It's like torture...breaking up with someone and keeping the hope alive, keeping in contact, etc... And then he says he can't be my friend if I'm with someone else?
Should I tell him that I have to cut off contact until I'm over him, and the hope that we can be together in the future? I know he's taking his recovery very seriously, and I'm happy for him in that respect. I don't know how to stop obsessing over him and hurting though. I don't know what to say to him when he calls, or what to do. I'm finding it impossible to focus on me right now...
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Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Nicam,
For me, staying in contact would just allow the wound to stay open. He sounds like he is covering all of his bases and keeping his options open. So, what is in that for you? More hurt and obsession is likely as you continue to talk with him. Someone that has a fear of being alone is not a person that is choosing to be in a relationship for the right reasons in my opinion.
Does looking at him as your drug help you to wrap your mind around it all? Would it make sense for an addict to hold, feel, look at their drug of choice and then be expected not to use it?
I would recommend doing what is best for you at this point rather than thinking about him and his needs. He is in a supportive environment and has his recovery community at hand. Staying around through this can tear you up and wear you down - to the point that you hate him and yourself.
Will continue to hold you in my prayers.
For me, staying in contact would just allow the wound to stay open. He sounds like he is covering all of his bases and keeping his options open. So, what is in that for you? More hurt and obsession is likely as you continue to talk with him. Someone that has a fear of being alone is not a person that is choosing to be in a relationship for the right reasons in my opinion.
Does looking at him as your drug help you to wrap your mind around it all? Would it make sense for an addict to hold, feel, look at their drug of choice and then be expected not to use it?
I would recommend doing what is best for you at this point rather than thinking about him and his needs. He is in a supportive environment and has his recovery community at hand. Staying around through this can tear you up and wear you down - to the point that you hate him and yourself.
Will continue to hold you in my prayers.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
His needs are being taken care of. He has plenty of people to talk to. To me, he is just keeping you on the back burner, JIC.
If it were me, I'd go NC, it may help you stop obsessing over him.
To be honest, you have not been dating that long, it would be hard to really know him even if he were not an addict. Addiction puts a whole different spin on the relationship.
Addicts are master manipulators and compulsive liars.
Work on you, he is working on himself, you owe it to yourself to do the same.
If it were me, I'd go NC, it may help you stop obsessing over him.
To be honest, you have not been dating that long, it would be hard to really know him even if he were not an addict. Addiction puts a whole different spin on the relationship.
Addicts are master manipulators and compulsive liars.
Work on you, he is working on himself, you owe it to yourself to do the same.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 187
Thanks so much to all of you. It's so great to know this forum exists.
I spoke to him and told him I couldn't stay in contact with him, as I needed to be able to get over him and move on, and he got pretty upset and said that wasn't what he intended, and he just can't be in a relationship right now because he needs to focus on himself, and if he doesn't succeed in that then he'll never be any good to me, or anyone, or be able to have a successful relationship in the future. Blah, blah, blah. I'm glad in a way that he is taking this so seriously, but he seems to be really insensitive to my feelings, which is probably justified and encouraged by the very nature of recovery.
I care about him and want to be a part of his life, but lightseeker is right...the wounds are just going to stay open unless I can successfully detach. Since I don't want to completely cut him out of my life I wonder if I could just do so for a little while and have very minimal contact while seeking treatment myself.
It doesn't help matters that I am in a horrible, painful place in my life right now, back home with my emotionally abusive father and wicked stepmother slave driving away 60 hours a week in a place and town that I despise and carries a lot of painful memories for me (but the money is oh-so-good and will benefit me greatly financially). I was a teacher, but... It's hard to heal in this painful environment...
I spoke to him and told him I couldn't stay in contact with him, as I needed to be able to get over him and move on, and he got pretty upset and said that wasn't what he intended, and he just can't be in a relationship right now because he needs to focus on himself, and if he doesn't succeed in that then he'll never be any good to me, or anyone, or be able to have a successful relationship in the future. Blah, blah, blah. I'm glad in a way that he is taking this so seriously, but he seems to be really insensitive to my feelings, which is probably justified and encouraged by the very nature of recovery.
I care about him and want to be a part of his life, but lightseeker is right...the wounds are just going to stay open unless I can successfully detach. Since I don't want to completely cut him out of my life I wonder if I could just do so for a little while and have very minimal contact while seeking treatment myself.
It doesn't help matters that I am in a horrible, painful place in my life right now, back home with my emotionally abusive father and wicked stepmother slave driving away 60 hours a week in a place and town that I despise and carries a lot of painful memories for me (but the money is oh-so-good and will benefit me greatly financially). I was a teacher, but... It's hard to heal in this painful environment...
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Nicam)) - NC (no contact) means NC. To keep in touch, even "a little" will be like ripping the scab off a sore, IMO. It keeps you tied to him, you'll probably be trying to read into what he's REALLY saying, and in all honesty, he probably doesn't even KNOW what he's really feeling.
My emotions were pretty raw, in early recovery, and because I have such a bad "man picker", I've not even tried to get into a relationship until I'm more confident that I'll be doing it with someone who enhances my life, not needing someone to complete my life.
Think about it....what, really, does he have to offer you, right now? Yes, you have a little history but it was built on lies (because he was using, you don't know the real him). We want the fairy-tale ending, so it's easy to gloss over the truth, but the truth always comes back.
Losing a relationship is painful. The pain doesn't last, forever, though, and if we're wise, we can actually LEARN something from the pain.
BTW, we A's lie to ourselves, not just others. It's not intentional, and it's not personal (even though it FEELS that way). We simply just don't think like "normal" people do. We lie to ourselves in codependency, too. We think "it's not that bad" when a normal person would have headed for the hills, long ago. We get broken down in pieces...this isn't so bad, then something else comes along and gee, that's not so bad either. We don't truly realize HOW bad it was until we get some space and time away from it, and for me, I had to learn to forgive myself for putting myself in such terrible situations. I felt ashamed, stupid, etc. I'm none of those things, and neither are you. We DO better when we KNOW better
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
My emotions were pretty raw, in early recovery, and because I have such a bad "man picker", I've not even tried to get into a relationship until I'm more confident that I'll be doing it with someone who enhances my life, not needing someone to complete my life.
Think about it....what, really, does he have to offer you, right now? Yes, you have a little history but it was built on lies (because he was using, you don't know the real him). We want the fairy-tale ending, so it's easy to gloss over the truth, but the truth always comes back.
Losing a relationship is painful. The pain doesn't last, forever, though, and if we're wise, we can actually LEARN something from the pain.
BTW, we A's lie to ourselves, not just others. It's not intentional, and it's not personal (even though it FEELS that way). We simply just don't think like "normal" people do. We lie to ourselves in codependency, too. We think "it's not that bad" when a normal person would have headed for the hills, long ago. We get broken down in pieces...this isn't so bad, then something else comes along and gee, that's not so bad either. We don't truly realize HOW bad it was until we get some space and time away from it, and for me, I had to learn to forgive myself for putting myself in such terrible situations. I felt ashamed, stupid, etc. I'm none of those things, and neither are you. We DO better when we KNOW better
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
NC is just that No Contact. Believe me, if he wants to be in contact with you when he is stronger and further along in his recovery, he will find you.
If you are making good money, you should be able to find your own place and move out from the family and their toxic behavior.
Time for you to focus on you, get healthy and take care of yourself. Rebuild your self esteem and start your recovery from codependency.
You can do this, one step at a time, left, right, left, right.
If you are making good money, you should be able to find your own place and move out from the family and their toxic behavior.
Time for you to focus on you, get healthy and take care of yourself. Rebuild your self esteem and start your recovery from codependency.
You can do this, one step at a time, left, right, left, right.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
It is very painful but try to see it through his recovery lense. Being with you could take hhim right back to that place where he was before he entered rehab. Since you didn't meet him sober, he places you in that context of his addiction. Sad but true. Sounds like he sees you as a real trigger. He loves you and when you are away he sees the value but he is very very scared of himself when he is with you. Its almost like a huge warning sign he is waving in front of you 'if I am with you I may go back to that dark place'.
What he did to you is NO small thing! He could have KILLED YOU. That is a total loss of control and he knows it. You could have pressed charges and he would be sitting in jail now. If you want him in your life then ok but you should only be a friend to him. In a sense you have to start over with your relationship. He has to get to know you as a sober person. Its like hitting the reset button. That is the only way you can salvage things, be a friend. Frankly if someone laid a hand on me I would be out of their life instantly because that is something that is inexcusable, addict or not. Not all addicts choke people. Sounds like you are idealizing a fraction of the relationship when he swept you off your feet. Yes .. then he tried to choke you.
I hope I'm not sounding to harsh but you didn't know the 'real' him. You only got to know the addict. The real him is probably a very different person. Doesn't sound like he is playing a game or cheating right now, he is saying what he is going through. That he is still a mess. A mess that could be dangerous if not well. Don't risk it for him or more importantly for yourself. Let go of the fantasy and remember the reality.
What he did to you is NO small thing! He could have KILLED YOU. That is a total loss of control and he knows it. You could have pressed charges and he would be sitting in jail now. If you want him in your life then ok but you should only be a friend to him. In a sense you have to start over with your relationship. He has to get to know you as a sober person. Its like hitting the reset button. That is the only way you can salvage things, be a friend. Frankly if someone laid a hand on me I would be out of their life instantly because that is something that is inexcusable, addict or not. Not all addicts choke people. Sounds like you are idealizing a fraction of the relationship when he swept you off your feet. Yes .. then he tried to choke you.
I hope I'm not sounding to harsh but you didn't know the 'real' him. You only got to know the addict. The real him is probably a very different person. Doesn't sound like he is playing a game or cheating right now, he is saying what he is going through. That he is still a mess. A mess that could be dangerous if not well. Don't risk it for him or more importantly for yourself. Let go of the fantasy and remember the reality.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by nicam 
As time went on his behavior changed, or his mask came off. It was increasingly awful, he was abusive...cut himself, attempted suicide in front of me, verbally assaulted me, cried and apologized, begged me not to abandon him, etc. One night after taking 30 pills and drinking some he put his hands around my neck during a fight and choked me, threatening to kill me all the while.
That some of us do not is testimony to our own codependency. Given you could not break from him, you might want to view this as a gift that he did so.
You deserve to treat yourself better than you have been doing.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 187
I know, I tried to tell him NC and he got upset, and I gave in. He says he hopes to be together when he's through all this, but why would he break up with me then? He knows I'd be willing to give him all the space and time necessary. Back burner sounds about right...
Why can't he understand that it's not healthy for me to be his "friend"? I don't want to end on a sour note, and he got all pissy when I mentioned cutting off contact.
Guess I have to go at it again and stay firm this time!
Why can't he understand that it's not healthy for me to be his "friend"? I don't want to end on a sour note, and he got all pissy when I mentioned cutting off contact.
Guess I have to go at it again and stay firm this time!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 187
Why are we, the sober ones, triggers? If we are positive influences in their lives, why are we triggers and reminders? Is it just that it takes him back to that dark time and place? Will I ever not be a trigger?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by nicam
Why can't he understand that it's not healthy for me to be his "friend"? I don't want to end on a sour note, and he got all pissy when I mentioned cutting off contact.
Guess I have to go at it again and stay firm this time!
He does not have to understand. The sour note occured when he abused you. The rest is noise.
Your own boundary is only as good as your willingness to enforce it and let go of the outcome.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
The guy put his hands around your throat in anger and threatened to kill you and you are worried about ending things on a sour note?? Sorry, but I just don't understand this.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
It isn't the person per se that is the trigger, it is the events and memories associated with that person or place. Addicts are so susceptible to relapse when the come in contact with a trigger. We who aren't addicts don't have that understanding. For them the memory 'triggers' a physical reaction that drives them to use. We aren't dealing with 'normal' brains. These are brains wired to use. Only when he has really been successful at recovery can he manage his triggers but you hear about addicts that relapse after years and often it is an event or activity that sets that using switch to 'on'.
Try not to put it in an emotional context. It isn't YOU that is the problem or issue, it is more complicated than that. Hope this helps
Try not to put it in an emotional context. It isn't YOU that is the problem or issue, it is more complicated than that. Hope this helps
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