Son & girlfriend pushing boundaries

Old 09-05-2010, 12:04 PM
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Son & girlfriend pushing boundaries

MY AS has been finding reasons to periodically come over to my house and I've been playing it by ear, trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and be supportive when he's looking for work. He just got a new job and started this week. I notice ever since I let him come back in, even for short visits he's now pushing the envelope further. Last night he showed up at 2AM wanting to come in, and I let him and let him stay the night. He had met up with younger son yesterday to hang out and wound up leaving without telling him where he was going. Wound up messing up younger son's night and creating a bunch of drama with AS girlfriend who freaked out, cried to my younger son, and then cancelled about coming over to meet up with them and pick up AS. Wow....does the drama get going. Girlfriend is no help and clearly has serious boundary issues and issues with her irresponsibility. She is so sickly codie and wants everyone to be dependent on her, then flakes out when she freaks out. She got younger son to agree to 'babysit' AS when they were hanging out and report back to her. Anyway, I don't like the affect this has on my younger son who is already in enough conflict about AS being an addict. AS left this AM and borrowed younger son's skateboard (with his permission) saying he'd be right back.....An hour+ later, and after 3 phone calls to AS, he finally came back with the board and seemed high, but denied it. Started spinning same story about no one wants him around, etc...after younger brother got mad at him, blah blah blah. AS must of been high because he just kept spining same crap, almost like he was looking for a reason to get mad and then use. He can't hear anything I say. Finally I told him it's not ok for him to keep coming around and expecting to just hang out here.....which I'm basing on his current behavior and disrespect for other's peace and boundaries. He's in such denial.. I know I'm getting stronger seeing the affect his actions start to have on all of us and I don't want the stress, worry, and drama in my home. I have enought going on....laid off job, looking for work, no car, trying to get things on track for me and younger son...I don't even feel bad about letting him back in...guess I had to test the waters....and I think it gives him a good message about why he can't be here, whether or not he's willing to accept it. He says, what am I doing? I'm not doing anything bad. As long as I'm trying to quit and work, why is it so bad if I mess up once in a while. At least I'm not strung out"If I didn't let him come back in he'd continue to hold onto the fantasy about coming back or being angry and resentful about not being able to and I wouldn't have the affirmation I need about the affect of his behavior on me and my younger son.
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Old 09-05-2010, 12:14 PM
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If you want to allow him to come over, that is one thing. Showing up at 2:00 AM is quite another. Perhaps letting him know that after a certain time (say, 10 or 11:00) he will not be allowed to come in might help, but then you would have to follow through and not answer the door if he comes by later than that. Sometimes, boundaries need to be made into rules, but you will have to enforce them or they are useless.
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Old 09-05-2010, 05:27 PM
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it's hard and feels really crummy to be the "bad guy". but you aren't the bad guy; you are doing nothing wrong to want peace and order in your home. and to protect your younger son.

continue to set those boundaries, stick to them, and when he pushes - which he will - re-establish them and try your best to stick to them. it is a learning curve for you BOTH. you'll both get it...and then he'll stop pushing when he knows the door (figurative) will stay closed.
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Old 09-05-2010, 08:12 PM
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You have every right to have boundaries. When they won't change we have to .

I know it is sad not to be able to have your son visit but good for you for knowing what your boundaries should be and for protecting your other son.
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Old 09-05-2010, 08:16 PM
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You have two options really:

being the "bad guy" but doing whats what is best for him and just saying no.
Personally you have your self and your younger son to create a home and a life for. Your older son (and gf) apparently think they are wise enough to make their own decisions. Now that your son is stuck in the illness he has now your help can only go so far. It is personal growth that will change him. Honestly allowing him to come and go as he pleases will not make him quit.

Allowing him to come and go as he pleases will only give him more breathing room and leniance almost as if you are saying his behavior is okay.

or

letting him do whatever it is that he does and control yours and your family's happiness and comfort.

Take charge of your life dont let your son have access to that.
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