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Using family as middlemen for legitimate reasons?

Old 09-04-2010, 10:03 PM
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Using family as middlemen for legitimate reasons?

The problem relative who has financial issues wants others to act as middlemen to pay off his financial obligations to a family member he's into for 5 figures. He has some money for a partial payment but he wants other/s to actually make the payment for him. He doesn't want to discuss finance with the relative he owes money nor does he want other tax/misc fincial issues so now he wants other family members to pay his bill/debt to the relative. I want to see the relative get paid off but why should I or anyone else do his bidding.

Even though part of a debt is being paid I still find it selfish that he cannot deal directly with this. Nor should he have to be reminded or pressured to pay off the better part of a decade old debt. To me he is just avoiding all sorts of issues here by bringing third parties into his dealings. But then again he really doesn't give a crap about anyone besides himself

Should I be glad an effort & a payment of money is being made to pay off part of a debt or consider this latest effort nothing but a gratuitous & frivilous effort to get someone off their back and be on their merry way again?
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Old 09-04-2010, 10:16 PM
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I'm not sure I'm understanding the situation ... or the question.

but... dang.

That's some family you got there.
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Old 09-04-2010, 10:20 PM
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If it were me being asked, I wouldn't do it. It sounds like the guy who owes the decade old debt is too ashamed to face the person he owes and wants someone else to do it for him. Well, he should be ashamed, and part of his restitution should be having to face the person to whom he owes the debt.
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Old 09-04-2010, 10:30 PM
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Originally Posted by barb dwyer View Post
I'm not sure I'm understanding the situation ... or the question.

but... dang.

That's some family you got there.
I want to see the family member paid off. I don't want to jeapordize payment. But I want the debtor to deal with his problems directly. He takes family assistance of anykind including simple errands for granted at this point. He simply doesn't get it, it about him but I guess that kind of selfish behavior is normal for the addictive/abusing types.
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Old 09-04-2010, 10:42 PM
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disincentive for you

Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
If it were me being asked, I wouldn't do it. It sounds like the guy who owes the decade old debt is too ashamed to face the person he owes and wants someone else to do it for him. Well, he should be ashamed, and part of his restitution should be having to face the person to whom he owes the debt.
The problem is the relative needs the money at this point. The problem family member was basically hoping the loan would be swept under the rug. He was making good then asked for "a break" in payments:"temporary" of course-"oh, only a need you to cover me for a few months". This was a year ago and the same spending HABITS that got him into trouble continue/ed. He had to be "reminded" that he still owes money. And he wonders why money issues are a point of consternation between him and many other family members. He simply doesn't get it.
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Old 09-05-2010, 07:04 AM
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Honestly? I wouldn't get involved, if the payments stop or aren't on time or the debtor in some other way reneges, then the go-between will start receiving the messages from the person who should have had the money. I can almost guarentee that whoever takes on the go-between role will end up with a worse relationships with both people they are trying to help.

If the debtor doesn't want to get involved in a conversation, they can just transfer the money from their account, if they don't know the account details, and don't want to email for them, they can mail a check, or get a solicitor to handle the transfer, or they could drive past the house and post a bundle of notes through the mailbox. Refusing to act as a go-between will not stop the debt being repaid, sounds like a ruse to avoid doing it and put the blame on someone else.

You didn't lend or borrow the money.
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Old 09-05-2010, 07:20 AM
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i understand that you wish for the debt to be repaid. you care about the person who made the loan in good faith.

but...

this is classic family enmeshment. if you are not directly involved, you are not to be involved. simple, but difficult.

i think y'all need to let the chips fall where they will. addict family member needs to make things right, and he probably won't, but unfortunately, the problem rests on the one who made that loan. it's very much a bummer, but reality.
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Old 09-05-2010, 07:24 AM
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I think Jen said it best. Whomever takes on the role of intermediary is getting themselves into a lot more than just taking the money from one person and giving it to another. Family members need to work this out between themselves. One should think long and hard before loaning that kind of money to a relative or anyone, for that matter, for just this reason.
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Old 09-05-2010, 07:31 AM
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This is a business deal between the two parties. If I were the party owed the money, I would ask for it directly from the debtor.

I'd keep my nose out of this transaction.
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Old 09-05-2010, 08:19 AM
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Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
I think Jen said it best. Whomever takes on the role of intermediary is getting themselves into a lot more than just taking the money from one person and giving it to another. Family members need to work this out between themselves. One should think long and hard before loaning that kind of money to a relative or anyone, for that matter, for just this reason.
I've frequently heard don't go into to business with family. I see why. But elders can be too sympathetic and/or niave at times. The scary part is that many older family members are worried about his credit. Their mad at him and they're growing tired of his crap but it scares me every time they mention 'but his credit'. I'm hoping he pays a heavy financial consequence at least so this will be the bottom which seems to be taking forever. But he has to suffer a severe consquence for his lifestyle and actions which I am trying to drive home to other family members-consequences.
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Old 09-05-2010, 11:17 AM
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Originally Posted by thequest View Post
I've frequently heard don't go into to business with family. I see why. But elders can be too sympathetic and/or niave at times. The scary part is that many older family members are worried about his credit. Their mad at him and they're growing tired of his crap but it scares me every time they mention 'but his credit'. I'm hoping he pays a heavy financial consequence at least so this will be the bottom which seems to be taking forever. But he has to suffer a severe consquence for his lifestyle and actions which I am trying to drive home to other family members-consequences.
Perhaps some day they will tire of it enough to stop the " but" which rationalizies their own choices to control outcomes.

Perhaps some day, you will tire enough to stop your own " but" which rationalizes your own strongly held convictions and desire to control the outcomes.

I mean no snarkiness here. This is a forum for freinds and family who struggle with control and ego issues and are often consumed with fixing other people.
It takes one to know one and all that.
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