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A special friend....

Old 09-04-2010, 08:14 PM
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A special friend....

Hi everyone! Just need your help to clarify something for me.....
I have a male friend who I have known for 12 years, we never were an offical couple but we might as well have been... He's been battling a crack addiction over the years, and I've always been there for him..to smooth the waters and just for him to talk...well he got married 3 years ago to a woman who doesnt understand any form of addiction..and basically has kicked him out over and over again...she was supposed to take him to rehab, but didn't bother, so he called me and I took him.....when I was dropping him off he hugged me and said "you know I love you right" I love you Liz... and I was shocked...inside I had waited all those years to hear that, but at the same time I am sad because he is married, and that maybe I shouldn't be helping him as much as I do....what do you all think?
I super appreciate your feedback

xo
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Old 09-04-2010, 08:35 PM
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now...take a step back...and let him DO all of his recovery work...and you...do nothing but your own recovery work...go to AL ANON or NAR ANON(if one is near by)

learn as much as you can about YOU.....you can "support" but HE NEEDS TO DO ALL THE WORK...this is his responsiblity...

and the words?? u do nothing..."just smile and say thank you" is what I would do...
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Old 09-04-2010, 09:16 PM
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Hi Maggie,
Thanks so much for your feedback..I have learned to let him do the recovery, I support him, only when he chooses to be well and not actively using...(not financially, emotionally) its hard to see him like this, but i know only he can ultimately change it.. tonite I drove him to a sober house which is one step... but do you think Im overstepping my boundaries now that he is married..shouldn't his wife be doing this?
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Old 09-04-2010, 09:16 PM
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Originally Posted by fourmaggie View Post
now...take a step back...and let him DO all of his recovery work...and you...do nothing but your own recovery work...go to AL ANON or NAR ANON(if one is near by)

learn as much as you can about YOU.....you can "support" but HE NEEDS TO DO ALL THE WORK...this is his responsiblity...

and the words?? u do nothing..."just smile and say thank you" is what I would do...
I agree with fourmaggie. Good luck Love...

Gotahavfaith
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Old 09-04-2010, 10:10 PM
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I think he didn't mean it the way you seem to want to believe he meant it.

I think we play games in our heads
and 'befriend' men when we are really in lovfe iwth them
and we wait around for themto 'realize' we're the woman he really wants.

the thing is -
men make it clear when they've a romantic interest.
no waiting, no muss no fuss.

when they don't have a romantic interest -
they are just friendly.

For the most part
they don't lead anyone on
they don't do a whole routine to 'catch' anyone
and they don't change their minds.

That's the crap women do.
for the most part.

if you've seen that movie
"he's just not that into you"
that's some very true stuff.

I think I've played this game on myself enough times
to recognize it when I see it.

And I agree with the advice you've gotten above.

You're right where you need to be.

This man is another woman's husband.
It's that simple.
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Old 09-05-2010, 02:19 AM
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You seem to have feelings for him. If that is the case, you need to be honest with yourself. Hard to say what that 'love' talk was. I won't speculate. And I have to tenderly disagree with Barb. Some men are direct and know what they want, others are clueless and inept at stuff like that. But your friend is neither. He is an addict. You can't give much weight about what he says or does at this point. Since you have been friends for a while, he may love you but sounds like it wasn't so much romantic as a friendship type love.

Also, the wife thing is problematic. Yes for the obvious reasons but it is going to be exponentially worse because he is an addict. I'm stressed just typing about it. Don't put yourself through that. You are just multiplying the problem for yourself. Be his friend. but don't overanalyze what he says or does right now. He is still married and still an addict.
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Old 09-05-2010, 07:49 AM
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You are hearing one side of the story, his, and, he is an addict. Addicts generally only tell half truths at best.

You have gotten him to a sober house, now let it be. He is an adult, and a married one at that. His wife may have gone thru this before and is now letting him find his own way to recovery. She is not doing for him, what he must do for himself.

I have a male friend that I have known for over 40 years, and yes, I love him, as a friend and he loves me the same way. He has been married and so have I, our love for each other is diffirent than the love we feel for a significant other, we love each other as true friends. And, saying "I love you" is just a flurry of words, it means nothing unless they are backed up by actions. My friend is there for me when I need him, and, I am there for him when he needs me, the door swings both ways.
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Old 09-05-2010, 09:28 AM
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Originally Posted by dollydo View Post
You are hearing one side of the story, his, and, he is an addict. Addicts generally only tell half truths at best.
see I too learn alot here....I too must grieve something that is not there either with my recovery addicted friend..

YES! never! ever! forget he is MARRIED!!!!...please do yourself a favor and move on....LET THEM BE...I am in AL ANON...she is properly doing HER recovery=ever thought of that? HE NEEDS TO FIND HIS WAY....tis is true


AL ANON has been my strength and my soul....
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Old 09-05-2010, 09:43 AM
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"...shouldn't his wife be doing this? "

Nope. And neither should you.
This is his mess.

There are 2 sides to this. And neither of those sides involve you.

Be no one's hero but your own.

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Old 09-05-2010, 10:20 AM
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Wow! great advice everyone...thank-you... put things in perspective...seems I have this tendancy to help too much...co-dependent?? probably.....I will follow what you have all said...step back...and yes his wife has probably been threw more than I can imagine with him....i know he's a great guy but really has to get his life in order....and we as friends can only go so far...it's hard...I'm so scared he's going to end up dead....
Thanks so much everyone! xoxox
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Old 09-05-2010, 10:23 AM
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@sofacat....took the words rite out of my mouth...

@loveon2legs...co-de? something to look into...Melody Beattie is the best auther to start with....very much a eye opener even for me!
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Old 09-05-2010, 10:34 AM
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I agree! Great advice sofacat! thank you!!

Thanks fourmaggie, I am learning alot about myself these days...one step at a time!
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Old 09-05-2010, 11:23 AM
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Some men are direct and know what they want, others are clueless and inept at stuff like that. But your friend is neither. He is an addict. You can't give much weight about what he says or does at this point
I think this very well sums it up.

Addicts say a lot of things that can sound really good. They are expert manipulators even if they don't know it. Their words are empty, and it sucks to realize that, but it's the absolute truth.

"Actions speak louder than words."

What has he done to show you he loves you? That he wants to be with you? That he can offer you any of the things that a stable & emotionally available partner can offer you?

I had to take a long hard look at my exABF and realize that no matter how much he told me he loved me and wanted to give me the moon, he wasn't going to do that. He kept wanting me to stick around so that he could have me there when (*IF*) he "got better." Till then, he needed someone to lean on when no one else was there for him. Well. . . how does that benefit me? Sure, I liked being needed but after I started to really think about that. . . being needed isn't so great. I want a whole lot more out of life than just cleaning up someone else's messes and thinking I'm doing a good deed! I'm an awesome person and someone out there is gonna be happy to make me happy one day, just as I will him.

The fact that your guy is married is just the icing on half-baked cake. (mmm, my metaphors are so clumsy they make me giggle) But it's true. Try not to focus on him so much... As for me, I had to decide I want to love someone who is my partner. Not someone who acts like my child.
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