Lizzaayy

I am in love with someone who is addicted to everything, mostly pain pills. DOC is oxys and roxys. He was recovered for 1 year and 2 months. Recently he went through relapse. I am 8 months pregnant with his son. He lives with his mother who has been a drug addict for 30 years, she is 50. He moved in with her a little over a month and a half ago and that is when he relapsed. He went into the same program (ACTS detox center, Tampa, FL) and has been clean for over a week. He waited in agony (it took a week before they had a bed) and wanted to go. Every day he said "I wish it was Tuesday!" He is not in denial about his addiction. He is ashamed and very distraught about what he has done. He is fighting with himself, and wanting to be a good father and not feel like a failure. He and I are 19 years old. While he was doing the drugs again, he confessed to me he tried shooting up, something he had never previously done. His mother, his uncle (who lived there at the time), and his cousin (who visited often) all shoot up. He said he loved it and it terrified him. He is doing his best to be completely honest with me about his relapse. It is hard to hear, but I know that for an addict, that is very rare.
The relationship between him and his mother is very complicated because she both enables him and refuses him. She is sometimes sympathetic with me, but sometimes blames me for what he's going through. She says that Josh and I arguing will only push him to drugs. But she accuses Josh of taking pills and money from her constantly, and they fight often. She gets an astronomical amount of RX's because she doctor shops. She is a pro addict with no intention of changing. After 30 years of abuse, she is no mother to him, but a selfish shell of what Josh once knew. Josh and I are trying desperately to repair our relationship, and build back trust between us. It is hard because of who he is staying with (he has no where else to live atm) and he is not fully recovered mentally. But he is trying so freaking hard it's amazing and heart wrenching.
Our love for eachother is something that is stronger than either of us can express. And his love for his unborn child drives him to try and be a better person. There are so many feelings being flung around in this situation, it is very volatile and stressful. I will say I will never, ever give up on my baby's father. Because I know he does not want to give up. If he could just get the hell out of that house, and we could live together, everything would be different. I live with my parents, and am very stable and safe in my situation. Currently going to school to be a pharmacy technician. Josh is looking for a job so that we can get a place together. He is trying. But day to day life at his mom's is excruciating to him. Pills are everywhere and it is a constant fight.
The baby comes first. He will stay with me in my home, until I am sure of Josh's recovery. Josh is broken and needs help. Before he relapsed we had 1,700 saved up for our child and to move in to a place. His uncle robbed him of all his money and his mom continued to let his uncle stay there afterwards. Because it's her brother and they do drugs together. Josh's dog Rutley was put to sleep by his mother for attacking a stranger who came into the dog's yard, and Rutley was the only thing Josh had left of his father figure, Uncle Howie, who passed away 2 years ago. Josh has met his father, but his dad wants nothing to do with him. He is going to therapy on the 7th and has his Suboxone RX filled. He is in every way he can trying to stay off those damn pills. But the pain of this past year is ruining him. He needs something to build him up, to give him back his confidence and zest for life. If he found a job, I think that would help.
I don't know what I am asking for, if anything. I just wanted to share my story.

suki44883

Welcome to SR, Liz. You have found a good place of people who understand what you are dealing with. Please hang around awhile and read all you can.

The most important thing should be you and your baby. You are not in a position to help Josh with his issues. While it is true that his current living conditions are less than ideal, you getting a place with him would not automatically make everything better. He has to work on his sobriety and you don't need to be right in the middle of that, especially with a new infant. Perhaps there are sober living facilities that he can check out. He would be around other people who are trying to stay straight, he would have support, and he could get out from his current living situation.

Callie

Liz, you are not alone. Take a breather, pull up a chair and read. You can click on user names and read their posts, read the stickys etc. I'd recommend the user names and their ORIGINAL posts. Many are like yours. Afraid, in a panic, nowhere to turn etc.

First and foremost, you need to take care of yourself and your baby. Your bf may or may not get well, but you are your baby's only hope here and right now. Your baby didn't ask to be born into a twisted up family like your abf's. It's up to YOU to make sure you guide him the right way with or WITHOUT your bf. Hopefully your abf can find his way and be a part of that.

Whenever I see newcomers I always think if I could know then what I know now... There is alot of wisdom on these boards. Read, read and reach out. So sorry, you're here. It's not a fun place to be, but you're among friends who understand.

Lizzaayy

The thing is it's not just my baby. It's his too. I am staying with my parents until an undetermined amount of time. I refuse to go over to his mother's house. However, I will allow Josh to come over to my house and spend time with me and our baby when he's born. I am not worried overmuch about him using again. He found a therapist, went to detox, and got his suboxone all on his own, with out any ultimatums or prompting from anyone. Because of those facts I believe that him getting a job, and us being stable and ready for our child would greatly improve his chances of remaining sober.
I am worried about after he moves out of his mother's house, how she could affect our lives. She should by all rights be locked up in jail, she is such a toxic person. And because she is my boyfriend's mother and our son's grandmother, she has the potential to cause a lot of problems for our new family. But only if we do not completely cut her out of our lives. How can I ask that of my boyfriend, to leave his mother alone and to keep her away from our child? Is that right for me to ask that? Sometimes I believe it is, and I have suggested it to my boyfriend. He agrees whole heartedly, but his love for his mom is something he can not simply put away in the back of his mind.
Every descision I have made has been in consideration of myself and our baby boy. Though he is an addict, Josh is still the third member of our own family. He does not need my help, I can do nothing for him but let him know I am here and I love him and our son will love him, too.

Lizzaayy

he just got out of detox yesterday. and tonight he confessed, after a long, drawn out discussion (we're passed arguing) that he did a pill. and he tried to say it was for leg cramps and whatever, but i told him "you're an addict, you know what you did and why." and he said "yea, you're right." a lot of things happened tonight, aside from that. he is not abusive towards me in any way. he has nothing but love for me and our child. he does not steal from me, but he does lie still. and he is still is his old mindset.
so obviously, he isn't as ready as i thought he was.

Lizzaayy

i realized that my other post was just wishful thinking. and though it hurts, i must admit to myself that i do not have my boyfriend back. though he took many steps towards his recovery, (which was mainly what convinced me) that doesn't mean he is ready yet to be there for the baby or me.
i know making the descision over night is not advisable. but i am at my wit's end and the stress and mounting pressure is torturing me and making me sick at heart.

oshkoshberjosh

It's been my observation in my own personal life that people (including myself) get involved with recovering addicts too soon in their recoveries. I personally went through a courtship with someone who was sober for nearly two years and then started using again.

A year and two months seems like an awfully short time for someone in recovery to be in a place emotionally and mentally to commit to a relationship.

Just my observation....

dollydo

I am sorry that you are having to go thru all this toxic behavior.

You are young, and, have your entire life ahead of you, and, now you will have the responsibility of an adult, raising a child. At your age, this will not be easy.


Please focus on you and your child. The child must be your priorty.

Lizzaayy

thank you both for the advice.
hopefully everything will turn out in the end.

Troubledsister

I'm new to the site, but just wanted to add that you seem like a very strong person. I'm sure its not at all easy w a baby on the way! Please take good care of yourself, find some time to decompress - like w yoga, or some form of exercise. You and your baby deserve it!

hello-kitty

Congratulations on your baby! Your boyfriend is going to do whatever he is going to do. Right now try to limit your focus to having a healthy baby. You are the only reliable parent he/she has right now. He/she NEEDS you to survive. Your boyfriend is a grown up and can make his own choices as to what kind of parent he is going to be.

Keep reading and posting.

Lizzaayy

thank you thank you!!
and oh my lord how great was my meeting yesterday!!
i feel so strong, and much happier with myself. i feel as if my depression has been lifted, and i can breathe again. i will continue to go every week. without fail.

Babyblue

The beauty of a new baby (esp your first) is that when you meet that new little precious package, so many things will become clearer to you. Hard to explain to new moms but trust me on this. You will want to build the best life possible and protect your child. Just focus on your health, the baby's health. Remember stress does affect babies en utero (while still in the womb) so focusing on yourself is actually a health benefit for the baby. Best of luck

Lizzaayy

yes you are right babyblue. this lil guy in me is going to be all the love in the world to me. what do i need my abf for when i have something so beautiful, perfect, something i know will never, ever be taken away? =]

Lizzaayy

after remaining no contact with now Xabf, i have learned that he got in a wreck/totaled his car/got a dui/broke his leg in 3 places.
i am SO glad i decided to drop him when i did. i could have very possibly been in the car that night =(
the thought terrifies me.
so far, no signs of recovery, no signs that i am not alone when it comes to raising our son.
it reallys sucks, to think we matter that little to him.
but then again, i guess the joy of having a new born baby boy will be mine and mine alone. it is bitter sweet, to say the least.
i doubt he will ever realize what he's lost. maybe to him, it is really nothing. maybe our relationship was a sham all along. he makes no effort to prove otherwise, so i guess that is the only conclusion i can come to.
the only comfort i have is knowing that in less than 40 days i will have a little bundle of joy. a blessing, out of all this chaos and heart ache.
feeling strong today, knowing I'm doing what's right, what's best. but depressed knowing i am the only one that cares enough to do it.