he's pushing me to my wit's end so he can use
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 11
he's pushing me to my wit's end so he can use
Hi there
My man has been off and on H for 3 years. I'm sure all of you know the craziness that ensues when someone wants to use.
We've tried a lot of different things, and it has come down to
1. He cannot have cash
2. He cannot have a job or only one with a paycheck-no cash
3. Cannot drive anywhere--even if he does not have money if he has a car he will use whatever means necessary
We've been working on this since January. He's at 24 days clean--the longest he has been in two years. I feel terrible I've had to help him set these rules--with his consent, and when actively craving he get's really nasty about them. Makes me feel guilty, etc. I try to do my best to make sure when I'm not working we go do things, he has books and movies to read, etc, even if we just go to the grocery store to get him out of the house.
He's been doing pretty good but this past week he has been freaking out--because this is the longest he has gone. He is to the point where he refuses to do anything that he loves to do. I know his normal tactics, of trying to break me down to the point where I give in. It's just getting really hard to deal with when I can't even get him to go to the park, something he loves to do. I know what helps him and makes him feel better but right now he is just refusing. It's been that way this whole week. Once I get him to "snap out of it," he comes back to life. I just can't get him to snap out of it this time. Does anyone have any advice? It is wearing on me, but I also know the importance of him FINALLY getting some distance.
Thank you so much.
My man has been off and on H for 3 years. I'm sure all of you know the craziness that ensues when someone wants to use.
We've tried a lot of different things, and it has come down to
1. He cannot have cash
2. He cannot have a job or only one with a paycheck-no cash
3. Cannot drive anywhere--even if he does not have money if he has a car he will use whatever means necessary
We've been working on this since January. He's at 24 days clean--the longest he has been in two years. I feel terrible I've had to help him set these rules--with his consent, and when actively craving he get's really nasty about them. Makes me feel guilty, etc. I try to do my best to make sure when I'm not working we go do things, he has books and movies to read, etc, even if we just go to the grocery store to get him out of the house.
He's been doing pretty good but this past week he has been freaking out--because this is the longest he has gone. He is to the point where he refuses to do anything that he loves to do. I know his normal tactics, of trying to break me down to the point where I give in. It's just getting really hard to deal with when I can't even get him to go to the park, something he loves to do. I know what helps him and makes him feel better but right now he is just refusing. It's been that way this whole week. Once I get him to "snap out of it," he comes back to life. I just can't get him to snap out of it this time. Does anyone have any advice? It is wearing on me, but I also know the importance of him FINALLY getting some distance.
Thank you so much.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
Originally Posted by theprocess 
I just can't get him to snap out of it this time. Does anyone have any advice? It is wearing on me, but I also know the importance of him FINALLY getting some distance.
Thank you so much.
Thank you so much.
My only suggestion is to walk away when you feel he's being disrespectful, moody, etc. I had this same experience and I had to really chant the 3 C's to myself (I cannot cure this, I'm not controlling it and I'm sure as heck not causing it.) I had to let go and let him find his own recovery. He can find help and support in AA/NA meetings when he's craving.
((HUGS)) It is crazymaking of addiction indeed!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
There's only so much you can do. He's a grown man so he needs to be responsible for snapping himself out of it. And if he wants to use - nothing you do - nothing you say - none of your rules will stop him. So good for him, he's been clean 23 days. But, if he chooses to go use, that's his choice as well. He gets to own that.
And you get to own your choices as well. I suggest going to an al-anon meeting or reading the book "codependent no more." Both will help provide you valuable insight into getting more control over your own life as you try to deal with the affects of some elses addiction.
Setting boundaries for ourselves regarding the kind of behavior we will accept around us and towards us is also helpful. Do you have any? Try writing them down, and then see if they've been violated... and then ask yourself, am I willing to do anything about it? If not, then it's kind of a lost cause because the only person you can control is yourself.
And you get to own your choices as well. I suggest going to an al-anon meeting or reading the book "codependent no more." Both will help provide you valuable insight into getting more control over your own life as you try to deal with the affects of some elses addiction.
Setting boundaries for ourselves regarding the kind of behavior we will accept around us and towards us is also helpful. Do you have any? Try writing them down, and then see if they've been violated... and then ask yourself, am I willing to do anything about it? If not, then it's kind of a lost cause because the only person you can control is yourself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Is being his warden an acceptable substitute for a relationship ?
There is no such thing as "we" when it comes to recovery. He owns his own recovery. If the only thing between recovery and relapse is you, he will most likely relapse and then blame you.
I mean this in the kindest way when I ask you to check your own motives cause it sounds like you might be enjoying the fantasy that you have control over him. Guaranteed, he will resent you for this.
He needs to do this for his own reasons. You did not cause this. You cannot control this. You cannot cure this.
There is no such thing as "we" when it comes to recovery. He owns his own recovery. If the only thing between recovery and relapse is you, he will most likely relapse and then blame you.
I mean this in the kindest way when I ask you to check your own motives cause it sounds like you might be enjoying the fantasy that you have control over him. Guaranteed, he will resent you for this.
He needs to do this for his own reasons. You did not cause this. You cannot control this. You cannot cure this.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
To be honest, I have never seen a "I'm in control of you" senario that works.
He is an adult, not a child, he is the master of his soul, of his choices, of his life.
Have you gone to any meetings? What are you doing to improve your situation, your life?
You sound like you are all consumed by him, by his problem.
He is an adult, not a child, he is the master of his soul, of his choices, of his life.
Have you gone to any meetings? What are you doing to improve your situation, your life?
You sound like you are all consumed by him, by his problem.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Makes me feel guilty, etc.
I feel so much better having given my H the keys to his kingdom. I am sure that nobody knows the consequences of his actions like he does.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Hi, theprocess, and welcome to SR! 
If only we were powerful enough to make them 'snap out of it', we'd certainly have the power to keep them clean forever. There definitely wouldn't be a need for places like SR.
The drugs are only a symptom. I say this because not only am I a recovering codependent, but I am a recovering addict/alcoholic.
My disease of addiction is threefold-physical, mental/emotional, and spiritual. Take away my drugs, and not addressing all three areas leads back to active addiction for me. I know this because I relapsed after 4 years clean/sober.
I would suggest you get your hands on the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It was a real eye-opener for me.
Check into local Alanon or Naranon meetings (Alanon is more widely available) for yourself. There you will find face-to-face support from others who understand.
Ultimately, he is going to do what he is going to do. You don't have any control over that. Believe me, I tried with my EXAH.
You can do much for yourself, and posting here was an excellent way to start!
If only we were powerful enough to make them 'snap out of it', we'd certainly have the power to keep them clean forever. There definitely wouldn't be a need for places like SR.
The drugs are only a symptom. I say this because not only am I a recovering codependent, but I am a recovering addict/alcoholic.
My disease of addiction is threefold-physical, mental/emotional, and spiritual. Take away my drugs, and not addressing all three areas leads back to active addiction for me. I know this because I relapsed after 4 years clean/sober.
I would suggest you get your hands on the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It was a real eye-opener for me.
Check into local Alanon or Naranon meetings (Alanon is more widely available) for yourself. There you will find face-to-face support from others who understand.
Ultimately, he is going to do what he is going to do. You don't have any control over that. Believe me, I tried with my EXAH.
You can do much for yourself, and posting here was an excellent way to start!
High on Life
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Been to Hell and Back
Posts: 1,157
Does he really want to stop? Has he tried NA meetings, that might help. Other than that he just needs to try to stay sober as hard as I he tried to purchase drugs. He has to be willing to do the foot work, not you.
They say it works if you work it, so he has to try to work it......
They say it works if you work it, so he has to try to work it......
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 11
He snapped out of it! I gave him his keys and told him to do what he wanted, a day later he gave me his keys back and told me to PLEASE not give them to him. He has been doing the activities he enjoys again.
I'm helping him, I've always told him it has to be him that wants it and if he gives up, I will let him do what he wants. But when he gave me the keys back and told me to make sure he doesn't have any access to money I could see HIM and not the addict talking.
I'm helping him, I've always told him it has to be him that wants it and if he gives up, I will let him do what he wants. But when he gave me the keys back and told me to make sure he doesn't have any access to money I could see HIM and not the addict talking.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 11
Today was a battle. After begging me this weekend to not give him his keys, today he was up in arms and fighting for them. It's like watching two people. It can be hard. Is the best I can do to listen to what HE tells me when he's not fiening? Or give in to the other requests?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,871
Is this really how you want to live? Back and forth, back and forth. Being his warden? It sounds absolutely exhausting. It sounds like you are living your life for him and not for yourself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by theprocess
I'm helping him, I've always told him it has to be him that wants it and if he gives up, I will let him do what he wants.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Let go and let God...
Tell him I love you. I will no longer be your babysitter. I have faith you will make the right decision.
Then, put the keys on the table. Walk away. And then don't put yourself in this position anymore.
Have you written down your personal boundaries and consequences yet?
Tell him I love you. I will no longer be your babysitter. I have faith you will make the right decision.
Then, put the keys on the table. Walk away. And then don't put yourself in this position anymore.
Have you written down your personal boundaries and consequences yet?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
We codependents have a way of making boundaries just another attempt to control someone else.
I will not associate with anyone who does drugs is a personal boundary.
I take responsibility for it and remove myself from a situation if it includes someone who uses drugs.
I do not judge the drug user and his/her drug usage is none of my business. I let go of the outcome.
Only thing I can do is control myself. That's more than a full time job, for me.
I will not associate with anyone who does drugs is a personal boundary.
I take responsibility for it and remove myself from a situation if it includes someone who uses drugs.
I do not judge the drug user and his/her drug usage is none of my business. I let go of the outcome.
Only thing I can do is control myself. That's more than a full time job, for me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
Process,
The back and forth about the keys, etc. is a way of him manipulating you. It's his disease. That's what addicts do. They give you this false sense of security that they are meaningful when they say they want help but when that urge/craving comes through they turn into that person you don't get or understand.
I agree with Hello Kitty...Let go and let GOD.
There isn't anything in your power (kindness, being there, standing by your man, etc.) that will stop this man's cravings.
The back and forth about the keys, etc. is a way of him manipulating you. It's his disease. That's what addicts do. They give you this false sense of security that they are meaningful when they say they want help but when that urge/craving comes through they turn into that person you don't get or understand.
I agree with Hello Kitty...Let go and let GOD.
There isn't anything in your power (kindness, being there, standing by your man, etc.) that will stop this man's cravings.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 11
I gave him his keys back and unlocked his phone security. He has been on a 4 day binge. I haven't seen my man all week, it's like living with someone else.
I will let go............I cannot make him get better...........only he can.
I will let go............I cannot make him get better...........only he can.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Exactly where my HP wants me to be
Posts: 136
He owns his behavior and all of the consequences that stem from it, he has all along.
Remember the 3 Cs, you didn't cause this, you can't control this and you can't cure it.
Please be kind to yourself during this time.
Remember the 3 Cs, you didn't cause this, you can't control this and you can't cure it.
Please be kind to yourself during this time.
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