Where I am now, with gratitude to SR!
A work in progress....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
Where I am now, with gratitude to SR!
I didn't have the time (or the energy) to do more than jump on here last night and ask for some support, but I am so thankful that I felt ok to do that after not being around here for more than two years. You wonderful people supported me and held me up during some of the darkest hours of my life~the hours I spent wrestling with myself and all of the "what ifs" and "if onlys" that are addiction.
Short background for those I don't know: I had been married for 25 years to a man who cycled in and out of addiction for most of that time. I had partied right beside him in the early years, but then came three children and I had to grow up. So instead of partying with him, I became massively codependent and did all the self-righteous, ugly, self-defeating things that codies do. I think back to those days and it's like watching a rerun of a bad movie. I was a miserable person, and I wanted everyone to know it! And I wanted everyone to know that it was all his fault~because I was the victim. [Oh my. It still hurts to say that, to realize what a mess I was.]
In November of 2006, in desperation, I came here in yet another effort to find a way to fix him so my life would be ok. What I found instead was a way to fix myself. And the sweet realization that I could actually do that, whether or not he got clean.
Here, I recognized patterns of behavior and situations that I thought no one else had ever gone through. One huge lightbulb moment was a thread started by a wonderful woman "Lovestoomuch" (whatever happened to her??) titled 'Famous Last Words'. I will NEVER forget how dumbfounded I was while reading that thread. SO many things that I had heard from my AH over the years were the very same things that everyone else was hearing, too. It was uncanny. I laughed. I cried. It was wonderful. Over the next 18 months, I filed for divorce (for the third time). It got ugly. Then it got uglier. Then it was over. And my SR friends were right there through it all.
Fast forward to today. We lost our business. We lost our home. We lost a lot of money. We lost most everything that the world deems important. I moved into a fixer-upper (what an understatement that was...) and just kept putting one foot in front of the other.
I went back to school and got my degree in Child and Youth Development. I am now over halfway through Graduate school in Professional Counseling-after all, why let all that good life experience go to waste?? I did have a job, but I don't right now. But I will be ok. God provides. I know that more than I know anything else in this world.
My oldest son lost his business in the crash of 2008, but he is doing better. He and his wife have two beautiful children-a boy and a girl. What a blessing!
My 13 year old son is doing great, we have tons of fun together. No stress. No tension. No pretending. It's wonderful.
My XAH kicked and screamed and quacked and threatened. Then he whined and pouted and sulked and cried. Then he wallowed in depression for awhile. Then he picked himself up, dusted himself off, and started mowing lawns for a living and went to school to learn landscaping. He's been clean for over a year now. He is doing great, and he is rebuilding relationships with his boys. He is loony over his grandkids. And we even get along quite nicely now. God is good.
What brought me back here is my middle son, who is so much like his father that it is just uncanny. He's 23. After years of cursing the ground his father walked on, he has turned into what he hated. Life is like that.
I know that, whatever happens with him, I will be ok. It hurts like hell. But I will be ok. If I had not found this place four years ago and walked this path before, I would probably have enabled him until it killed him. Or me. Or both of us. So thank you, friends, for being here. You are the best.
Many hugs to all of you,
Jen
Short background for those I don't know: I had been married for 25 years to a man who cycled in and out of addiction for most of that time. I had partied right beside him in the early years, but then came three children and I had to grow up. So instead of partying with him, I became massively codependent and did all the self-righteous, ugly, self-defeating things that codies do. I think back to those days and it's like watching a rerun of a bad movie. I was a miserable person, and I wanted everyone to know it! And I wanted everyone to know that it was all his fault~because I was the victim. [Oh my. It still hurts to say that, to realize what a mess I was.]
In November of 2006, in desperation, I came here in yet another effort to find a way to fix him so my life would be ok. What I found instead was a way to fix myself. And the sweet realization that I could actually do that, whether or not he got clean.
Here, I recognized patterns of behavior and situations that I thought no one else had ever gone through. One huge lightbulb moment was a thread started by a wonderful woman "Lovestoomuch" (whatever happened to her??) titled 'Famous Last Words'. I will NEVER forget how dumbfounded I was while reading that thread. SO many things that I had heard from my AH over the years were the very same things that everyone else was hearing, too. It was uncanny. I laughed. I cried. It was wonderful. Over the next 18 months, I filed for divorce (for the third time). It got ugly. Then it got uglier. Then it was over. And my SR friends were right there through it all.
Fast forward to today. We lost our business. We lost our home. We lost a lot of money. We lost most everything that the world deems important. I moved into a fixer-upper (what an understatement that was...) and just kept putting one foot in front of the other.
I went back to school and got my degree in Child and Youth Development. I am now over halfway through Graduate school in Professional Counseling-after all, why let all that good life experience go to waste?? I did have a job, but I don't right now. But I will be ok. God provides. I know that more than I know anything else in this world.
My oldest son lost his business in the crash of 2008, but he is doing better. He and his wife have two beautiful children-a boy and a girl. What a blessing!
My 13 year old son is doing great, we have tons of fun together. No stress. No tension. No pretending. It's wonderful.
My XAH kicked and screamed and quacked and threatened. Then he whined and pouted and sulked and cried. Then he wallowed in depression for awhile. Then he picked himself up, dusted himself off, and started mowing lawns for a living and went to school to learn landscaping. He's been clean for over a year now. He is doing great, and he is rebuilding relationships with his boys. He is loony over his grandkids. And we even get along quite nicely now. God is good.
What brought me back here is my middle son, who is so much like his father that it is just uncanny. He's 23. After years of cursing the ground his father walked on, he has turned into what he hated. Life is like that.
I know that, whatever happens with him, I will be ok. It hurts like hell. But I will be ok. If I had not found this place four years ago and walked this path before, I would probably have enabled him until it killed him. Or me. Or both of us. So thank you, friends, for being here. You are the best.
Many hugs to all of you,
Jen
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Wow, Duet, as sad (and scary) as your present situation with your son's addiction is, yours is a story of survival.
I know it didn't come easy, I know it didn't come quickly, but it is there in your story...sad, defeated woman rises above all obstacles and finds a good path.
What you lost, your home, business and money, is just "stuff". Sure, it hurts because you lost a dream in there somewhere too.
But what you have gained, will be with you always, inner peace and hope for the future, and a sense of what is really important in life.
The recovery tools you have picked up along the way will see you through the darker days. And surrounding yourself with support will provide light from our candles on days you cannot find your own.
You may not know it yet, but you have brought hope for the newcomer here, hope for those who remain in a long struggle, and a shining example of how recovery can save us from whatever life hands us, good days and bad.
Thank you for sharing this, you have made my life brighter by your example of perseverance.
Hugs
I know it didn't come easy, I know it didn't come quickly, but it is there in your story...sad, defeated woman rises above all obstacles and finds a good path.
What you lost, your home, business and money, is just "stuff". Sure, it hurts because you lost a dream in there somewhere too.
But what you have gained, will be with you always, inner peace and hope for the future, and a sense of what is really important in life.
The recovery tools you have picked up along the way will see you through the darker days. And surrounding yourself with support will provide light from our candles on days you cannot find your own.
You may not know it yet, but you have brought hope for the newcomer here, hope for those who remain in a long struggle, and a shining example of how recovery can save us from whatever life hands us, good days and bad.
Thank you for sharing this, you have made my life brighter by your example of perseverance.
Hugs
Enjoying Sobriety
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 143
Oh, duet! I cried when I read your story. Thank you so much for sharing it. I really, really needed to hear what you said.
I am an alcoholic. Sober for 18 months now by the Grace of God. My only daughter, age 24, is having major problems. She doesn't see it that way. She knows what I was like as a drunk and encouraged me in my sobriety up until I got a year. Then she started bringing liquor in to the home again. Smoking weed while I was out (but of course I could smell it when I got home). Staying out 'til 3 a.m. and sleeping until 1 or 2 the next day. She lost one job, was unemployed (with a million excuses) for 8 plus months finally got another job and promptly quit after five whole days!
I can't even say it all right now. It's all so sad. I have been praying for God to tell me how to handle this situation. I really think she was leaving the bottle out for me to see in hopes that maybe I would slip? I don't know.
I have been so worried that instead of providing for her maybe I've been enabling. There is no maybe to it. I have been enabling. Enabling out of guilt from my past mistakes. I told her a week ago she needed to go live with her Dad and go back to school. He said he would pay for college for her but he would not "tolerate the same S____ that your mother put up with". She refused to go live with him and is now sleeping on a couch of a friend's.
I'm so worried about her and she has been so cruel lately. Her words cut me open. She tells me she was there for me and now I won't support her when she needs me. I have done this for 24 years! In the last 3 years, she has gotten a DUI, DUS, lost one job because of drugs (failed drug test she KNEW was coming) and then quit another job after five days. I don't know if she truly has an addiction or if she could stop everything today or not. All I know for sure is, I was truly trying to help but it was only hindering.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your post. I do know one thing absolutely, without question: My sobriety MUST come first. Period. If I don't stay sober I won't be any good to any body!
Love and appreciation to you all at SR and God Bless You!
I am an alcoholic. Sober for 18 months now by the Grace of God. My only daughter, age 24, is having major problems. She doesn't see it that way. She knows what I was like as a drunk and encouraged me in my sobriety up until I got a year. Then she started bringing liquor in to the home again. Smoking weed while I was out (but of course I could smell it when I got home). Staying out 'til 3 a.m. and sleeping until 1 or 2 the next day. She lost one job, was unemployed (with a million excuses) for 8 plus months finally got another job and promptly quit after five whole days!
I can't even say it all right now. It's all so sad. I have been praying for God to tell me how to handle this situation. I really think she was leaving the bottle out for me to see in hopes that maybe I would slip? I don't know.
I have been so worried that instead of providing for her maybe I've been enabling. There is no maybe to it. I have been enabling. Enabling out of guilt from my past mistakes. I told her a week ago she needed to go live with her Dad and go back to school. He said he would pay for college for her but he would not "tolerate the same S____ that your mother put up with". She refused to go live with him and is now sleeping on a couch of a friend's.
I'm so worried about her and she has been so cruel lately. Her words cut me open. She tells me she was there for me and now I won't support her when she needs me. I have done this for 24 years! In the last 3 years, she has gotten a DUI, DUS, lost one job because of drugs (failed drug test she KNEW was coming) and then quit another job after five days. I don't know if she truly has an addiction or if she could stop everything today or not. All I know for sure is, I was truly trying to help but it was only hindering.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your post. I do know one thing absolutely, without question: My sobriety MUST come first. Period. If I don't stay sober I won't be any good to any body!
Love and appreciation to you all at SR and God Bless You!
Last edited by SCRedhead; 09-02-2010 at 02:54 AM. Reason: missed a word
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
duet
Thank you for sharing your story. It is a story of survival. Of facing fear and conquering it. It's a story of going from an unmanageable life to one that IS manageable. It doesn't mean easy.......just manageable. It inspired me. I hope you'll stick around because you have so much to offer to those of us who aren't quite there yet.
gentle hugs
Thank you for sharing your story. It is a story of survival. Of facing fear and conquering it. It's a story of going from an unmanageable life to one that IS manageable. It doesn't mean easy.......just manageable. It inspired me. I hope you'll stick around because you have so much to offer to those of us who aren't quite there yet.
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: My Room
Posts: 138
You may not know it yet, but you have brought hope for the newcomer here, hope for those who remain in a long struggle, and a shining example of how recovery can save us from whatever life hands us, good days and bad.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: My Room
Posts: 138
One huge lightbulb moment was a thread started by a wonderful woman "Lovestoomuch" (whatever happened to her??) titled 'Famous Last Words'.
how can i find this thread? i looked for it but no luck yet. what's the best way to search?
how can i find this thread? i looked for it but no luck yet. what's the best way to search?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
We had a huge crash here at SR in 2005 I think it was...and we lost the entire FFSA forum, every thread and post.
The one you are looking for may be from that time. I looked too and couldn't find it either.
The one you are looking for may be from that time. I looked too and couldn't find it either.
A work in progress....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
I think it was lost in a crash, but it was more like 2008. So, anyway, maybe we could start a new one? I'll go first....check for new thread
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