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Old 09-01-2010, 04:59 PM
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Unhappy I am afraid

Hi...

I have tried breaking up with my newly ex boyfriend (codeine addiction) for the better part of 1 year now (!). I feel ashamed that I haven't achieved it consistently yet. This past year has been a very painful "recovering" year for him, with multiple relapses. I've learnt a lot - but all I know now is that I really, really need out. I say need because I do love him - but I cannot remain so out of control of my own life anymore. Bottom-line is, with him I am miserable - without him I am not exactly happy, but I feel a damned sight better.

I have told him tonight that we are finished - I have also let his father know (they are very close). He has threatened suicide. He says he is clean at the minute, but will under no circumstances go to NA, and that he only goes for counselling because his work makes him. He freely admits he sees no benefit from this. He has also told me he wants me to persuade, threaten or otherwise force him to get more support otherwise he is just going to do it his own way (which hasn't worked - he's been on stuff for 11 years now.) He indulges in a lot of self-pity.

I don't understand it - why does he want someone to drag him kicking and screaming to get better? I have told him I will be his friend if he likes, but I cannot be in a relationship with him for my own reasons. He says I am his only lifeline. That he is blaming me for everything that happens from now on. I've told him (half-choking) that what he chooses to do is his decision and his responsibility. All hell broke lose at that point. I am changing my number soon, and am moving out. But I am scared s***less. I don't want him to die!

Where have I gone wrong? I shouldn't have meddled with how his recovery is going? Should I have continued to validate him by staying by his side? He always promises that he will be amazing once he is clean. He has promised that for a long time now. It is true that with each relapse he has learnt - little steps everyday, not big jumps! but I think I can see a pattern: in my eyes it seems that what has compromised his recovery is that he is always still looking for the exceptions he can apply to himself - drinking for example. He gets very angry if I mention relapse incidents - past and future.

Please be ruthless - I need to know what I have done wrong. I feel utterly destroyed
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Old 09-01-2010, 05:20 PM
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Whether or not he dies has nothing whatsoever to do with you. He is trying to guilt you into staying with him so of course, he threatens to kill himself of just go out and use and not care what happens to himself. It's all a load of BS. The man simply is not interested in getting and staying clean. Nothing you say or do is going to change that.

You can continue to ride on this roller coaster for another year or you can decide that you are done with it, regardless of what he says he's going to do. No one is forcing you to stay with him. You hold the key to your freedom.
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Old 09-01-2010, 06:25 PM
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From where I sit, you have done most everything right. Keep on moving and don't look back.

His recovery is not, and cannot be, your responsibility. The only one that can change him, is him.

As crazy as it may sound, the most loving thing you can do for him is to walk away and let him sink or swim on his own. You can't fix him.

((hugs))
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Old 09-01-2010, 06:49 PM
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I am going the same left my gf 3 weeks ago. She is a substance abuse and alocoholic user. The nights not coming home. No arms to hold me. I was like you I felt miserable with her however I am feeling okay at times without her. But it still hurts. By reading your post I jsut realized that I did everything I could. I was only with her for 6 months. She hasnt contacted me hates me for leaving. You are so strong for staying as long as you have. All of his threats are to manipulate you. The relapses and promises will not stop. You are doing the right thing for sure. One thing that I have learned in just the few days being on SR is that YOU DO MATTER. I was questioning if I should of stayed with my ex. The guilt was killing me. But at the end of the day we were going to break up sooner or later. I took control of me and my feelings. This has allowed me to hurt more then ever but grow so much more. I cannot wait to see whats in store for me. You have DONE nothing WRONG. HUGS!!
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Old 09-01-2010, 06:49 PM
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PJ
I'm so sorry that you're dealing with the craziness of addiction.

My ex husband told me all the time "if you leave me, I will kill myself". I believed him. I stayed with him for five years. I finally couldn't take it anymore and divorced him. That was 27+ years ago.....he is still alive.

My AS threatens suicide all the time.....just like his father did. As his mother, it is sheer torture to hear him say that....and he knows it.

People who threaten suicide because they are seriously at a point of being unable to cope with life are one thing. People who use suicide threats as a means of keeping someone else an emotional hostage is something else entirely.

Personally, I can no longer allow myself to be manipulated in this way. I have accepted that my AS could elect to take his own life and I have no control of that. God knows that I want him to live. I want him to be drug free. But I can't make him do anything that he doesn't want to do and I can't stop him from doing something that he is hell bent on doing.

Take care of you.......you matter in all of this.

gentle hugs

Last edited by Kindeyes; 09-01-2010 at 06:50 PM. Reason: can't spell to save my life
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Old 09-02-2010, 10:24 AM
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People who threaten suicide because they are seriously at a point of being unable to cope with life are one thing. People who use suicide threats as a means of keeping someone else an emotional hostage is something else entirely.

Personally, I can no longer allow myself to be manipulated in this way. I have accepted that my AS could elect to take his own life and I have no control of that. God knows that I want him to live. I want him to be drug free. But I can't make him do anything that he doesn't want to do and I can't stop him from doing something that he is hell bent on doing

I am so sorry you are going through this too. I know it sucks and hurts and is scary. I love what KindEyes wrote because it exactly describes how I feel about my RABF and what we went through- he has threatened suicide/return to drug use if I were to leave him. Well, for all intents and purposes right now we are not together and I am putting the focus back on myself. I'm sure he is suffering and it makes me sad sometimes, but come on! This is MY life.

My RABF is a sick person. Yours is too. It's not that they don't want these things, it's that they really doesn't know or trust themselves enough to apply themselves to any kind of recovery. It's sad and it's sick. You are doing the right thing. You know that you don't want to be sick anymore and so you are creating space so that you can heal.

Honestly, this sounds terrible, but sometimes I think
"what if RABF actually went through with it and died?" and then I feel relieved. GOD FORBID. but i'm sick of the daily stress of wondering if he's gonna be alright or not. and i want to be FREE FROM HIS MANIPULATIONS. even though i love him, his manipulative and emotionally abusive behavior has been strangling me for years and i had no idea how much i was suffocating until i found SR and al-anon and started trying to make some healthy changes.

i know it hurts now and is scary, but you are doing so well! you are fighting for YOUR life here, and it's a beautiful thing. we are all here for you. give yourself the gift of recovery and support! maybe even get a little angry--- how DARE someone pretend to put their life in your hands! UGH.

:day6
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Old 09-02-2010, 02:47 PM
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PJSParks, I'm sending prayers to you. Be strong and let go. Hand his life over to God. You are not his savior, his life is not your responsibility. You're your own responsibility and if you do not see any light being with him, then be on your own. Sadness being alone is temporary, you will find peace and happiness on your own without him.
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Old 09-04-2010, 03:01 PM
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Hi PJSparks

Stick to your guns! If you tell him you're through, then mean what you say! Of course he will threaten and do everything he can to find the right buttons to push, so that you will stay with him!

My son pulls that garbage all the time. Not with me anymore, but with the gf. I tell her when he does that threatening to kill himself, or whatever, don't beg him not to do this or that, just quietly say, "do what you have to do!"

I have said that to him many times, and he gets really angry with me. In the back of my mind I always think, what if he does?? Well, I now know that whatever he does is not my doing just as all his bad behavior is not my doing! I didn't teach him to be a thief or a liar!! He has done all this on his own.

Moral of the story is, they do everything in their power to keep you/me on our toes and scared! It's time to let him know you are more scared to stick around with someone who is out of control!

Hugs & Prayers heading your way

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Old 09-04-2010, 04:53 PM
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Hi Sparks -

Good advice and good support here.
just adding my own to the mix.

You have permission to take care of YOU.
You have permission to be happy.
YOu have permission to re-capture your joy in living.

You are not in prison.
You did nothing to 'deserve' this kind of relationship hell.

Once you're safely away
and able to start taking back your life again.

then is the time to start asking the when/how/why questions.

Right now -
get your shelter, food, and safety needs out of the way.

Get them handled.

Defo block the phone.
That's just the beginning though.
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Old 09-04-2010, 05:47 PM
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Mr.Sofa used to tell Me all the time that he would be dead if it weren't for Me in his life.

I gobbled that up like a BIG BOWL OF ICE CREAM!!!

"I feel ashamed that I haven't achieved it consistently yet."

Don't be. We're as addicted to them as they are their DOC. At some point you hit your own emotional bottom and decide to really do the hard work to find happiness. It took Me 10 years living with an active addict and 42 years of being codependent to "Wake up and smell my own coffee!" I knew I needed to do things differently, and I see now that I am not alone or unique.

That's what led us here.

BIG SOFA HUGS to you. You are doing the right thing for yourself.
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