Need advice on the best way to handle this with dignity...
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Join Date: May 2008
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Need advice on the best way to handle this with dignity...
Earlier in the week I posted this:
Friday @4:30 AM I hear BEATING on my door. Front door, back door, windows. BEATING. Scared the crap out of me~I look out my window and the driveway is lit up like the 4th of July. Sheriff cruisers everywhere. I go to do the door and they ask for XAH. I'm like WTF? He hasn't lived here in 8 months. Divorce is final yada, yada yada. They say this is the last known address for him. I said he's not even been in the state for 3 months etc. They wouldn't tell me anything.
All weekend, I'm getting madder and madder @ how they disrespected me, my kids and my home. I go in there today to the sheriff's office. I said they could have checked with child support, the probabtion officer, the POST OFFICE to get his address or at least double check it. They apologized profusely etc. Ends up they arrested 18 of 32 that night in a major drug bust.
I ended up finding out that they issued indictments for 32 people. XAH's was from NINE months ago. He's got one count of trafficking and one count possession of heroin, someone that got picked up rolled and wore a wire. The indictments were issued Saturday am.
XAH is in rehab right now, has been for 2 weeks and 'clean' for 5 months. As far as I know he doesn't know about this yet.
Last night in our towns paper 9 of the peoples pictures 'on the run' were on the front page IN COLOR. XAH was one of them. Firstly, xah is not running, they know where he's at. The picture of him was awful, he was clearly high. It was from one of the omvi charges he had 9 months ago.
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My question, what is the best way for me to handle the humiliation yet again? We are divorced. I know I care waaay too much about what people think of me. I'm sure some that would like to see me fall, love this. Most everyone has been completely supportive of me.
His family is trying to involve me again, I'm out of it. Completely out of it. I want nothing to do with this anymore. My question is if someone asks, what do I say? Do I tell them about the paper's discrepancy, do I simply say I don't know, do I just say we're divorced for a reason? My kids do not yet know. I am not yet sure how to handle this.
I want to handle this with dignity. Do I just say silent and go about my business or what. I'm not even sure it's common knowledge that the divorce is final yet. The gossip about this bs was just starting to die down. Now it's hotter than ever.
Friday @4:30 AM I hear BEATING on my door. Front door, back door, windows. BEATING. Scared the crap out of me~I look out my window and the driveway is lit up like the 4th of July. Sheriff cruisers everywhere. I go to do the door and they ask for XAH. I'm like WTF? He hasn't lived here in 8 months. Divorce is final yada, yada yada. They say this is the last known address for him. I said he's not even been in the state for 3 months etc. They wouldn't tell me anything.
All weekend, I'm getting madder and madder @ how they disrespected me, my kids and my home. I go in there today to the sheriff's office. I said they could have checked with child support, the probabtion officer, the POST OFFICE to get his address or at least double check it. They apologized profusely etc. Ends up they arrested 18 of 32 that night in a major drug bust.
I ended up finding out that they issued indictments for 32 people. XAH's was from NINE months ago. He's got one count of trafficking and one count possession of heroin, someone that got picked up rolled and wore a wire. The indictments were issued Saturday am.
XAH is in rehab right now, has been for 2 weeks and 'clean' for 5 months. As far as I know he doesn't know about this yet.
Last night in our towns paper 9 of the peoples pictures 'on the run' were on the front page IN COLOR. XAH was one of them. Firstly, xah is not running, they know where he's at. The picture of him was awful, he was clearly high. It was from one of the omvi charges he had 9 months ago.
=================
My question, what is the best way for me to handle the humiliation yet again? We are divorced. I know I care waaay too much about what people think of me. I'm sure some that would like to see me fall, love this. Most everyone has been completely supportive of me.
His family is trying to involve me again, I'm out of it. Completely out of it. I want nothing to do with this anymore. My question is if someone asks, what do I say? Do I tell them about the paper's discrepancy, do I simply say I don't know, do I just say we're divorced for a reason? My kids do not yet know. I am not yet sure how to handle this.
I want to handle this with dignity. Do I just say silent and go about my business or what. I'm not even sure it's common knowledge that the divorce is final yet. The gossip about this bs was just starting to die down. Now it's hotter than ever.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
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I want to handle this with dignity. Do I just say silent and go about my business or what. I'm not even sure it's common knowledge that the divorce is final yet. The gossip about this bs was just starting to die down. Now it's hotter than ever.
That's what I would do. Short of taking out a full page ad in the local newspaper announcing the finalization of your divorce, there's really not much you can do about the wagging tongues. People love a good juicy story like that, but those people are just not worth worrying yourself over. Those who know you, know the whole story and it's not your responsibility to run around trying to make sure no one believes what they read in the papers. Those who are going to believe it will do so regardless of what you say anyway.
You have nothing, absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. You haven't lived with him for 8 months and he has been out of the state for a long time. Not only are you not responsible for anything he has done, neither are you responsible for what people choose to believe.
That's what I would do. Short of taking out a full page ad in the local newspaper announcing the finalization of your divorce, there's really not much you can do about the wagging tongues. People love a good juicy story like that, but those people are just not worth worrying yourself over. Those who know you, know the whole story and it's not your responsibility to run around trying to make sure no one believes what they read in the papers. Those who are going to believe it will do so regardless of what you say anyway.
You have nothing, absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. You haven't lived with him for 8 months and he has been out of the state for a long time. Not only are you not responsible for anything he has done, neither are you responsible for what people choose to believe.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
When I had my son, I promised myself I would try to handle all inquiries about my singleness and the situation with his father with dignity and grace.
I end up saying the same thing almost every week to some busy body or another (including my mother and the rest of my immediate family):
I care what people think about me too. But not what they think about my sons father. I cannot control his reputation or his bad decisions. That's his responsibility. I want people to think of me as the kind of person who doesn't participate in gossip when it comes to the father of my children. I want them to think of me as a woman who handles difficult situations with uncommon style and grace. I want them to look at me and notice my confidence and my ability to carry on no matter what the good lord throws my way. I also want to be known as a woman who has great humility and a sense of compassion for others who are less fortunate.
I don't want to be known as an enabler or a victim.
I think that Chino's answer says it all, for me anyway.
"I hope he works it out, bless his heart."
I care what people think about me too. But not what they think about my sons father. I cannot control his reputation or his bad decisions. That's his responsibility. I want people to think of me as the kind of person who doesn't participate in gossip when it comes to the father of my children. I want them to think of me as a woman who handles difficult situations with uncommon style and grace. I want them to look at me and notice my confidence and my ability to carry on no matter what the good lord throws my way. I also want to be known as a woman who has great humility and a sense of compassion for others who are less fortunate.
I don't want to be known as an enabler or a victim.
I think that Chino's answer says it all, for me anyway.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Hate so much that you had to experience that nite - how frightful!!
praying that never happens again!
as far as the comments you may hear from others I agree with what has been said - although it's hard to not let what others MAY say become an obessession for me - I try to just let it go and I think I would try to say something like
"yes I saw it too - isn't that so sad. I hope all of them get the help they need"
Please remember it's not at all about YOU!!
PINK HUGS to you & your precious children!
Rita
praying that never happens again!
as far as the comments you may hear from others I agree with what has been said - although it's hard to not let what others MAY say become an obessession for me - I try to just let it go and I think I would try to say something like
"yes I saw it too - isn't that so sad. I hope all of them get the help they need"
Please remember it's not at all about YOU!!
PINK HUGS to you & your precious children!
Rita
ThatLittleGirl
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 273
People love a good juicy story like that, but those people are just not worth worrying yourself over. - Absolutely!!!!
those that didn’t…well they just didn’t matter. Absolutely!!!!
I always say the best defense is a good offense...so if someone asks you about it...just respond, "Why do you ask?" Put them on the defense...and watch them sputter with lack of a good response. If you haven't told them, then you didn't want them to know! Period.
those that didn’t…well they just didn’t matter. Absolutely!!!!
I always say the best defense is a good offense...so if someone asks you about it...just respond, "Why do you ask?" Put them on the defense...and watch them sputter with lack of a good response. If you haven't told them, then you didn't want them to know! Period.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Originally Posted by Chino 
Down here in the south, we'd say "I hope he works it out, bless his heart."
I lived in different parts of the south, and this saying has a uhm funny meaning to it.
An example,
"He isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, but he got his momma's looks, bless his heart."
Well, she tried to make some biscuits, but she cooks like her momma, bless her heart."
or
Yeah, he bagged a deer this season, but his daddy had to point it out to him, bless his heart."
So yes,
He has had some trouble with the law, but I hope he gets it worked out, bless his heart.
:rotfxko
Callie, I know this is not funny to you, and I certainly hope you get the help you need from here, but I know you have the strength to do anything, given what I know of you from this forum.
Beth
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by Callie
All weekend, I'm getting madder and madder @ how they disrespected me, my kids and my home. I go in there today to the sheriff's office. I said they could have checked with child support, the probabtion officer, the POST OFFICE to get his address or at least double check it. They apologized profusely etc.
Only way this disrespected you is if you make it about you. That a choice you have to make. They wanted him. Going to last known address, according to DMV, is routine. Most criminals do not leave a change of address notice with the post office.
Your X's crimes are what brought the sherrif in. Nothing more or less. When we associate with criminals, we tend to get sucked into the dramas that follow.
Put it behind you and move on with dignity. It's not your fault.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Only way this disrespected you is if you make it about you. That a choice you have to make. Going to last known address, according to DMV, is routine. Most criminals do not leave a change of address notice with the post office.
Your X's crimes are what brought the sherrif in. Nothing more or less. When we associate with criminals, we tend to get sucked into the dramas that follow.
Your X's crimes are what brought the sherrif in. Nothing more or less. When we associate with criminals, we tend to get sucked into the dramas that follow.
That's what happens when you associate with drug dealers and addicts. It was certainly a lesson learned for me.
work in progress
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
Oh Callie....
I just got home from work to read this.
The thought of you having to see all of that madness at your house just makes my heart sink.... that must have been horrifying. I am so sorry.
As for the townsfolk.... Well, it's your X's issues, not yours...yes? And someone once said..."What other people think of Me is none of my business."
No sense in getting yourself all worked up over the "what if's".... people may ask...then again, they may not.
It all goes back to "controlling" things. And this one is out of your hands.
It's STILL not your problem.
You are a good woman, raising your kids, keeping a good home and doing your best. That is the only thing to focus on and be proud of... and the people in your life who matter will be focusing on that too.
The rest is just drama...HIS drama.
Keep working on that wall.
Who knows, you may meet a gorgeous police officer who wants to take you out as an "official" apology after all this. Girls can dream, can't we?
I just got home from work to read this.
The thought of you having to see all of that madness at your house just makes my heart sink.... that must have been horrifying. I am so sorry.
As for the townsfolk.... Well, it's your X's issues, not yours...yes? And someone once said..."What other people think of Me is none of my business."
No sense in getting yourself all worked up over the "what if's".... people may ask...then again, they may not.
It all goes back to "controlling" things. And this one is out of your hands.
It's STILL not your problem.
You are a good woman, raising your kids, keeping a good home and doing your best. That is the only thing to focus on and be proud of... and the people in your life who matter will be focusing on that too.
The rest is just drama...HIS drama.
Keep working on that wall.
Who knows, you may meet a gorgeous police officer who wants to take you out as an "official" apology after all this. Girls can dream, can't we?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Callie.
Sometimes I know that I get compassion from people by just being honest about my pain. It's not a manipulation, it's just my way. But I think a comment like this could be disarming, and maybe even get someone to re-think their judgmentalism: (said in a quiet but not shame-filled voice, looking at the person and nodding your head) "um, ya know, it's pretty painful for me". I can't imagine receiving any rude or critical comments after putting your heart on your sleeve like that.
I really liked Chino's reply as well.
Sometimes I know that I get compassion from people by just being honest about my pain. It's not a manipulation, it's just my way. But I think a comment like this could be disarming, and maybe even get someone to re-think their judgmentalism: (said in a quiet but not shame-filled voice, looking at the person and nodding your head) "um, ya know, it's pretty painful for me". I can't imagine receiving any rude or critical comments after putting your heart on your sleeve like that.
I really liked Chino's reply as well.
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Join Date: Aug 2002
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OH Callie,
I had a bf with PTSD after some time in Iraq. He was also bipolar, and i was in the process of making him my EX BF when he went into a serious, horrid depression. He threatened suicide, I left the house and called the police. The S.W.A.T.team ended up removing him from my house after 5 or 6 very tense hours. My house - and the events inside - were the lead story for all 3 news stations at 5, 6 and 10 for about 2 weeks. "first on the scene" kind of stuff. It was even in their dang commercials!
Gratefully, I was only referred to as "unnamed homeowner" or somesuch thing. My friends and neighbors and others knew the front of my house - and it was really big news in my town.
What I can tell you today is that I told whoever asked that I was glad it worked out the way that it did and hopefully he would be able to get the help he needed, and thanks for asking I'm doing just fine and moving on from this. That sort of shut down any further questions...
The other thing I can tell you is that something else big happened at someone else's house and THEY became the next big PR nightmare. The standoff at my house was last week's news and it faded from most people's memories.
It will pass. It always does. I'm glad you are OK. I'm glad your ex is an ex.
I had a bf with PTSD after some time in Iraq. He was also bipolar, and i was in the process of making him my EX BF when he went into a serious, horrid depression. He threatened suicide, I left the house and called the police. The S.W.A.T.team ended up removing him from my house after 5 or 6 very tense hours. My house - and the events inside - were the lead story for all 3 news stations at 5, 6 and 10 for about 2 weeks. "first on the scene" kind of stuff. It was even in their dang commercials!
Gratefully, I was only referred to as "unnamed homeowner" or somesuch thing. My friends and neighbors and others knew the front of my house - and it was really big news in my town.
What I can tell you today is that I told whoever asked that I was glad it worked out the way that it did and hopefully he would be able to get the help he needed, and thanks for asking I'm doing just fine and moving on from this. That sort of shut down any further questions...
The other thing I can tell you is that something else big happened at someone else's house and THEY became the next big PR nightmare. The standoff at my house was last week's news and it faded from most people's memories.
It will pass. It always does. I'm glad you are OK. I'm glad your ex is an ex.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
As for the kids Callie, I always tried to give age appropriate info to them on sensitive subjects (think this qualifies!) Better to find out from you than a friend. I like the "disease" explanation and that Daddy is getting help.
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Location: The Jungle
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Originally Posted by hello-kitty
I care what people think about me too. But not what they think about my sons father. I cannot control his reputation or his bad decisions. That's his responsibility. I want people to think of me as the kind of person who doesn't participate in gossip when it comes to the father of my children. I want them to think of me as a woman who handles difficult situations with uncommon style and grace. I want them to look at me and notice my confidence and my ability to carry on no matter what the good lord throws my way. I also want to be known as a woman who has great humility and a sense of compassion for others who are less fortunate.
Letting go of the shame associated with being the spouse, parent, sibling, etc of someone in active addiction is so important to our own recovery. Some of the responses here are absolutely priceless.
YOU CAN face this difficult situation with dignity and grace!
gentle hugs
Last edited by Kindeyes; 09-01-2010 at 06:29 AM. Reason: I can't spell
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Thank you guys. The courts, police, his probation officer knew where he was. The sheriff just didn't check. They had NO business being here. I appreciate them doing their job and they did get some much needed people. It was just like you see on tv, really. The sheriff department has apologized and admitted they didn't check, but still.
It's so not right for his pic to be in the paper when he's in a rehab that THEIR courts knew about. He's taking the steps to better himself and for them to plaster a junked out picture of him in the paper and labeling him as 'on the loose, evading' police is slander. IMHO.
When stuff like this happened last winter with xah's name being in the paper, I pretty much just went into hibernation. I wouldn't even go to the grocery in my town. I'd go 30 miles to the next town. We were still married @ the time and the divorce had just started. Now that he's xah, I don't want to feel like I have to do that anymore ~ just wasn't sure how to handle comments. Our county fair is next week, the kids have projects, the entire town goes. Just wanted to be able to have a simple comment without going into detail.
It's so not right for his pic to be in the paper when he's in a rehab that THEIR courts knew about. He's taking the steps to better himself and for them to plaster a junked out picture of him in the paper and labeling him as 'on the loose, evading' police is slander. IMHO.
When stuff like this happened last winter with xah's name being in the paper, I pretty much just went into hibernation. I wouldn't even go to the grocery in my town. I'd go 30 miles to the next town. We were still married @ the time and the divorce had just started. Now that he's xah, I don't want to feel like I have to do that anymore ~ just wasn't sure how to handle comments. Our county fair is next week, the kids have projects, the entire town goes. Just wanted to be able to have a simple comment without going into detail.
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In more than one instance, I held my head high, and looked people right in the eye when they asked. (Some people are just pushy and nosey and overstepped the boundaries of common civil decency - asking personal questions just to feed their morbid gossip needs- in my opinion.)
I used multiple combinations of these:
We're fine thank you. I can't speak for him- you could ask him directly if you'd like
I appreciate the kind words and prayers. We're all moving forward. Thanks
You know, he has some important life lessons to learn, and apparently they aren't from me. Are you going to any of the Cowboys games this year?
And- I hardly see where that information would be good for anyone else to have or to talk about. If you want to know about him, I suggest you find him and ask him yourself.
(that one usually shut her up... LOL)
I used multiple combinations of these:
We're fine thank you. I can't speak for him- you could ask him directly if you'd like
I appreciate the kind words and prayers. We're all moving forward. Thanks
You know, he has some important life lessons to learn, and apparently they aren't from me. Are you going to any of the Cowboys games this year?
And- I hardly see where that information would be good for anyone else to have or to talk about. If you want to know about him, I suggest you find him and ask him yourself.
(that one usually shut her up... LOL)
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