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And now.... my Mother. :(

Old 08-30-2010, 09:20 AM
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And now.... my Mother. :(

So, I've been just trying to take one situation at a time. Finally have come to a place of peace with Mr.Sofa's addiction, and losing him. One day at a time, right??

But there's a WHOLE other situation that has been going on simultaneously.
My mother.

She has been a drinker for some time now. My father was too.

But last year, she had double knee surgery and the doctors prescribed pain killers to her for it.

To this day... she is STILL taking them.

The problem is, she lives RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET FROM ME.

She has been calling in sick a lot, and never goes anywhere but work.

My problem is, I can't spend time with her, and she avoids me like the plague because she knows "I know."

It makes me sad. I can see the black cloud over her house, and she is my mother. I can't get away from it!!!!!!!!!!

It's now the same rhetoric from her... no money, sick all the time, mood swings, avoidance...etc.

I am tempted today to go to her house while she is at work and rummage through her drawers looking for the pills!!!!!!!!!! HELP!!!!!!!!!

She is 70 years old. Don't know if we "the family" have time for her to "bottom". I'm afraid she is going to hurt herself ( she has fallen down on MANY occasions and had to go to the hospital).

What to do, what to do.

I have been putting off telling you all this, because I was just trying to get over one loss... but now this is starting to get to me. And I am letting it.

Anyone???????
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Old 08-30-2010, 10:25 AM
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(((Sofa))) - so sorry you're dealing with this with your mom. My stepmom has put me through the wringer with HER love of pain pills, for quite some time. I live with her and dad, so have seen the passing out, the falling, etc. I do worry that she's going to hurt herself, really bad, one day, but I am powerless.

She DOES have legit pain issues, but none that require the amount of meds she was taking. I know it won't work for you, but dad finally limited the number of doctor's she was seeing which has put a huge damper in her getting the pills (he pays the bills). At one point, she found a "friend" who got them for her....she ended up locked up in county jail for trying to pass off a fraudulent prescription at the age of 60, and just recently got off probation, so I think if they WANT the pills bad enough, they will find them.

Her jail episode scared her enough (for now) that she is having to do without the pain meds. The only time I threw meds away was the night she was locked up and my niece pointed out her "secret stash". Other than that, I am hands off.

When she goes on and on about the pain, or lack of energy, or whatever, I just say "sorry about that" and go to my room. Don't get me wrong, I DO feel bad that she's in pain, but I also don't trust her to make good judgement and when she runs out of pills early, oh well. As Anvil would say "NMP" - not my problem.

I've had to accept that she chooses to be depressed, wants to be numb and I can't fix that (she's been in my life for about 20 years). I've had to lock MY meds up as she has stolen them from me (sleep meds).

I know this probably doesn't help much, other than someone going through something similar. If they don't WANT help, it's pretty hard to force it on them. When I was a nurse, I had a 75-year-old patient who came in, dazed/confused/etc. She kept yelling at the paramedics (I could hear over the radio) "they took my lortabs away!!" Yes, her dr. had decided she didn't need them, anymore, but still gave her xanax. She took 60 pills in 2 days, and we had to admit her for an OD, though she was in far better shape than most OD's we had.

It's become a HUGE problem in the elderly and I don't know what the answer is. If my stepmom were to hurt herself, it would greatly impact my dad and I (who practically do everything around the house, anyway), but I can't prevent it. I won't be the "pill police" and I have had to learn to accept that this is her choice.

I wish I could tell you what to do, how to help, but I've been here for over 3 years, and have tried everything, until I just had to step back. I hope there are others, here, who can be of more help.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 08-30-2010, 11:06 AM
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sofa, my MIL is a functional alcoholic and one of my SIL's has a master's in psychology, is a certified addiction counselor. MIL is 81 and fell one time so bad she needed surgery. She laid at the bottom of the basement stairs overnight, before BIL came over for his daily check in.

To make a long story short, there was an intervention in the hospital, MIL attended AA for 30 days, sold huge family home and moved into one story home, and still pours the first drink at 6pm sharp.

Everyone had to learn to let go, and only do for her what they normally would, given her age. Though nothing traumatic has happened since that day (that we know of), everyone is prepared for the worst while continuing to hope for the best.

It took about 20 years for everyone to collectively get to that place. It's a very large family and outside of SIL and me, none of them work a program and took the long road. You have the advantage of already working recovery, please keep on keeping on. It will save you again
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Old 08-30-2010, 11:19 AM
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Wow can I relate, my mother is also not only addicted to Vicoden, but also has Klonopin and sleeping pills as well. I hate to say this about my own mother, but she truly does enjoy being a victim. I have 3 siblings, but it is my sister and I who bear the brunt of my mother's "helplessness". She is 67 which is not old by most standards these days, and she looks a lot younger, but she has been convinced she was old for 20 years now. We listen to an endless barage of things she cannot do and how hard her life is. It is ridiculous because her life is great compared to many. She has a job, a nice house, 4 successful kids and 5 grandkids. She just is not happy unless she is bitching though and in light of the last 5 months of my life where a job loss has led to bankruptcy, loss of my house and my dog dying, my sympathy has run out.
She is diabetic, but could remedy that if she would eat right. The pills have messed up her stomach and she refuses to cook, but will make homemade fudge and brownies. I could go on, but bottom line is I have done everything I can, but her drs are idiots and she will not switch because they are the ones giving her the pills. I have offered to cook for her, take her to a new dr etc, but she has no desire to get better. She has been like this since I can remember.
Sofa, I like your response and need to work on mine as well. My mother has a way of sucking you into an argument with excuse after excuse to the point where she is the biggest trigger for me and my drinking. I can't stand talking to her, but am not in a position to remove her from my life. I need to detach and it is hard because she refuses to do anything for herself.
What a sad way to live, and I have to keep reminding myself that I am who I am because of her. I never want to live the life of a victim so I have become very independent and strong.
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Old 08-30-2010, 03:29 PM
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Here is my little story:

My mother is an alcoholic, has been for 65 years. Ten years ago she broke her hip, had a replacement, got pain killers, she was mixing the pain killers with the booze, not a pretty story, she was falling most every day. I called my her doctor, explained the whole situation, including that she was getting painkillers from other doctors. He was suprised
and I was firm with him. He cut her supply off, all doctors stopped writing scripts.

After she was cut off, and finished with being mad, we had a heart to heart talk.I told her what I had done. She said "Thank You" I knew I was becomming addicted to the pills, yet I could not stop. One addiction is enough! Her words, so, now she is just an alcoholic. For the most part she can stand in an erect position!

I know, "Hands Off The Addict", in this case I had to step in and I am glad I did.
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Old 08-30-2010, 06:51 PM
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Thanks all.... I needed to hear this from you today. I haven't taken the step to get this part of my life out in the open.

I needed to share this here. I have gone to ACOA meetings... but I feel you all help me get back to what I need to focus on more... myself.

Thank you.
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Old 08-30-2010, 07:07 PM
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Hope things are going better for you today.
I had a great aunt that doctor shopped and was addicted to everything. She finally did enough damage to herself to wind up in a nursing home and of course they continued with the same meds but at lower doses. She would still manage to get tanked and call the fire dept about every other day to report a fire. (There were never any fires) I do not have any idea on how to manage an 85 year old drug addict that does these sorts of things. Some of this is compounded by natural senility so it's hard to figure out what's normal.
I hope some peace comes your way soon. A hug for you.
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Old 08-30-2010, 08:47 PM
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Originally Posted by Impurrfect View Post
(((Sofa))) - so sorry you're dealing with this with your mom. My stepmom has put me through the wringer with HER love of pain pills, for quite some time. I live with her and dad, so have seen the passing out, the falling, etc. I do worry that she's going to hurt herself, really bad, one day, but I am powerless.

Her jail episode scared her enough (for now) that she is having to do without the pain meds. The only time I threw meds away was the night she was locked up and my niece pointed out her "secret stash". Other than that, I am hands off.

When she goes on and on about the pain, or lack of energy, or whatever, I just say "sorry about that" and go to my room. Don't get me wrong, I DO feel bad that she's in pain, but I also don't trust her to make good judgement and when she runs out of pills early, oh well. As Anvil would say "NMP" - not my problem.

I've had to accept that she chooses to be depressed, wants to be numb and I can't fix that (she's been in my life for about 20 years).

I know this probably doesn't help much, other than someone going through something similar. If they don't WANT help, it's pretty hard to force it on them. When I was a nurse, I had a 75-year-old patient who came in, dazed/confused/etc. She kept yelling at the paramedics (I could hear over the radio) "they took my lortabs away!!" Yes, her dr. had decided she didn't need them, anymore, but still gave her xanax. She took 60 pills in 2 days, and we had to admit her for an OD, though she was in far better shape than most OD's we had.

It's become a HUGE problem in the elderly and I don't know what the answer is. If my stepmom were to hurt herself, it would greatly impact my dad and I (who practically do everything around the house, anyway), but I can't prevent it. I won't be the "pill police" and I have had to learn to accept that this is her choice.

Amy
Some powerful lessons here, Amy. Thank you.
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Old 08-31-2010, 03:46 AM
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I have no experience with this, but bring special hugs and lots of prayers for those who endure a parent's addiction. How sad and terrifying that must be.

Prayers for the addicted parents too, how sad for them to end their years like this.

Big Hugs
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Old 08-31-2010, 10:01 AM
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Just sending support your way, Sofa.

I was in pain for many years due to my mother's compulsive gambling, bipolar, and alcoholism. We children, as youngsters, suffered some amount of abuse at her hands. Learning to set boundaries and letting go was very difficult.

My message is that is never too late for anyone. My mother is now sober and (after losing two homes to foreclosure) gambling-free for a handful of years. She doesn't do AA, but has been with a loving therapist for about 6 years and is actually better - healthier emotionally, physically, and spiritually - than she has ever been in her entire life. She has forgiven herself, and is for the most part, at peace.

All the lessons we have learned, and are learning, in Al-anon still apply, with our parents.

(((Hugs)))
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Old 08-31-2010, 04:37 PM
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Thanks Coffee.

I can't break up with my Mother... but I can break up with my codependency.

Day at a time.
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Old 08-31-2010, 04:57 PM
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so sorry to read this sofacat. I dont have any exp.with dealing with a parents addiction, but I do know that sadly these drugs strike everyone and your not alone. I see others chimed in to support you with dealing with a parent and hope you find the strength to get through this.
I hope and pray you find peace and comfort and do the right thing, its just completely sucks to read this!
chin up ,stay strong,one day at a time and huge hug to ya !
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Old 08-31-2010, 09:08 PM
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(((Sofa))) - you're right...I can't "break up" with my stepmom, either, and I do love her dearly. Once she figured out my boundaries and realized I really WAS going to let her deal with her consequences, we've actually gotten closer. It has taken quite a while to get to this point, and we still have our days, but knowing I won't listen to her whine, complain, worry, etc., has taken a lot of the "bad stuff" out of our relationship.

I've had to do the same, with my dad, and he's not an A. I heard the "but you're the only one I can talk to about this" and I just said "no, I'm not" and reminded him (and her) that no one wants to listen to negative stuff, all the time, and by continuing to do it, they're just driving people away, but that is THEIR CHOICE and I don't have to listen.

Yes, there was some pouting, some anger, etc., but I held strong (most of the time, am getting better!) and it's working. I've even noticed them adopting some of my codie-recovery tools, here and there, and that's pretty cool!!

It's not easy, sweetie, but detachment is truly the answer.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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