First post but been around for awhile
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Join Date: Jun 2010
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First post but been around for awhile
I am so thankful to have found this site. Actually, I have been visiting here, reading posts, and learning for quite some time but have not posted (not recently, anyway).
I read through most of the sticky, "For Parents Of Substance Abusers," and it has been immensely comforting and helpful for me today. Some of the info I have seen previous, including have read (more than once, for my own benefit) in NarAnon lit.
I believe I am wavering a bit with regard to my almost 19yo addict son, worrying about what is happening with him and letting fear and guilt creep in, as my husband and I continue our journey with letting him go -- we finally put him out of our house weeks ago (after a very long succession of attempts to support, provide care, provide therapy and treatment as a minor and then still continuing to support him since turning 18; more recently starting to "get it" about tough love) as his partying lifestyle, disregard for our house rules, and destructive behavior were pulling him, my husband, and me down.
I do love him, I do have faith in my HP, and I am regularly reminding myself that we need to not enable in order for him to face his addiction on his own. It looks like it's going to be a long road. Over the past few years, he has gained a lot of tools in his chest and, hopefully, will choose to use them. He has told me more than once that he was better off when in a dual dx/D&A facility, seems like he meant due to the structure and support; alas, it will be his choice to seek treatment at this point, I know -- not the choice of his dad and me.
Thanks for listening and I am grateful for this site and all of you.
I read through most of the sticky, "For Parents Of Substance Abusers," and it has been immensely comforting and helpful for me today. Some of the info I have seen previous, including have read (more than once, for my own benefit) in NarAnon lit.
I believe I am wavering a bit with regard to my almost 19yo addict son, worrying about what is happening with him and letting fear and guilt creep in, as my husband and I continue our journey with letting him go -- we finally put him out of our house weeks ago (after a very long succession of attempts to support, provide care, provide therapy and treatment as a minor and then still continuing to support him since turning 18; more recently starting to "get it" about tough love) as his partying lifestyle, disregard for our house rules, and destructive behavior were pulling him, my husband, and me down.
I do love him, I do have faith in my HP, and I am regularly reminding myself that we need to not enable in order for him to face his addiction on his own. It looks like it's going to be a long road. Over the past few years, he has gained a lot of tools in his chest and, hopefully, will choose to use them. He has told me more than once that he was better off when in a dual dx/D&A facility, seems like he meant due to the structure and support; alas, it will be his choice to seek treatment at this point, I know -- not the choice of his dad and me.
Thanks for listening and I am grateful for this site and all of you.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Wow..sounds just like us w/ our AD who will be 19 in dec. Did the rehab as a minor, relapsed, put her on her own.She was out 8 months , progressed to shooting heroin. Called last Fri. and said she was done, wanted to go to treatment. We really let her experience the consequences of her addiction and gave her NO financial support. When we picked her up, she didn't even have shoes. Who knows if this rehab will stick, but I feel confident the only reason she is there now is that she (as my sponsor calls it) wallowed in her disease and got to feel what addiction is really like..no warm bed, clean clothes, good meals, money, job, friends, etc. She got tired and asked for help..I hope that happens w/ you..I really think you are on the right track.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Welcome from another mom.
It is not easy parenting a sick addicted child.
Sounds like you are progressing. Detachment, while not easy, is often the
best we can do at certain times.
In my experience, most addicts go through multiple rehabs, as relapse is part of the
disease.
We have to take a breather in between and understand when it is time again to help
our child save their life. Be patient and have hope.
It is not easy parenting a sick addicted child.
Sounds like you are progressing. Detachment, while not easy, is often the
best we can do at certain times.
In my experience, most addicts go through multiple rehabs, as relapse is part of the
disease.
We have to take a breather in between and understand when it is time again to help
our child save their life. Be patient and have hope.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by Anaya 
I believe I am wavering a bit with regard to my almost 19yo addict son, worrying about what is happening with him and letting fear and guilt creep in, as my husband and I continue our journey with letting him go
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 24
Originally Posted by Chino
Breaking the codependency habit is supposed to hurt or we're not doing it right. The more we do it the less we hurt. Hang in there!
Sending BIG HUGS to all of the moms out there tonight!
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 355
Welcome Anaya. I am a mom of a 25 year old AD. She has been in rehab for 4 months now. I think you are doing great in your recovery. I sure wished that I would have had the guts to "tough love" my daughter when she was that age. Probably would have saved both of us a whole lot of grief.
Glad you are here. Hugs to you.
Gotahavfaith
Glad you are here. Hugs to you.
Gotahavfaith
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
Thanks to all for the warm welcomes, support, and sharing about your struggles and what you have learned. I wish for strength for all of you, and I know that this is truly difficult for parents.
I've had the Serenity Prayer on my frig for a long time and it is one way to remind me to pray and help me stay focused.
I've had the Serenity Prayer on my frig for a long time and it is one way to remind me to pray and help me stay focused.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Anaya
Welcome to SR. I hope you find the comfort, insight, and support that I have found here. My AS is 29. He has been through counseling, inpatient treatment and outpatient treatment. He has the tools in his toolbox but won't pull them out himself.
It's very hard to watch the children we raised make bad choices. If I had found MY recovery path sooner, I wonder if my AS would still be on his path of drug addiction. It is useless to think like that......I can't change the past. I can only exercise some measure of control on my own future and my own reactions to that which goes on around me.
Stick around. There are so many people here who have powerful experiences to share. I learn from them all and I hope you will find comfort here.
gentle hugs
Welcome to SR. I hope you find the comfort, insight, and support that I have found here. My AS is 29. He has been through counseling, inpatient treatment and outpatient treatment. He has the tools in his toolbox but won't pull them out himself.
It's very hard to watch the children we raised make bad choices. If I had found MY recovery path sooner, I wonder if my AS would still be on his path of drug addiction. It is useless to think like that......I can't change the past. I can only exercise some measure of control on my own future and my own reactions to that which goes on around me.
Stick around. There are so many people here who have powerful experiences to share. I learn from them all and I hope you will find comfort here.
gentle hugs
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Welcome Anaya
I read your post and found myself wishing I had been as wise as you are now. Instead I was in denial for years and years. I kept telling myself this was just a phase, and soon as he turned 17 then 18 then 19, etc, things would change. They changed, alright, for the worse! My son is 47 years old now, and although there were a few successful years, he has wasted his entire life.
Let him go, let him do what he has to do! There is nothing you can do to stop him anyway. All we can do as parents is pray that one day our child will see the light.
Don't help him, don't give him money, don't get him out of trouble. If he ends up in jail/prison, don't make it easy for him there either. Limit phone calls, money on the books, etc.
Most important, don't let him think you are going to get him out of trouble! Let him know that whatever he gets himself into, he will have to find his own way out.
DO LET HIM KNOW YOU LOVE HIM!
Prayers heading your way
Devastated
I read your post and found myself wishing I had been as wise as you are now. Instead I was in denial for years and years. I kept telling myself this was just a phase, and soon as he turned 17 then 18 then 19, etc, things would change. They changed, alright, for the worse! My son is 47 years old now, and although there were a few successful years, he has wasted his entire life.
Let him go, let him do what he has to do! There is nothing you can do to stop him anyway. All we can do as parents is pray that one day our child will see the light.
Don't help him, don't give him money, don't get him out of trouble. If he ends up in jail/prison, don't make it easy for him there either. Limit phone calls, money on the books, etc.
Most important, don't let him think you are going to get him out of trouble! Let him know that whatever he gets himself into, he will have to find his own way out.
DO LET HIM KNOW YOU LOVE HIM!
Prayers heading your way
Devastated
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Join Date: Jun 2010
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Devastated: Thank you for your powerful and heartfelt post! I much appreciate the reinforcement and recognize the importance of following through with what you have offered.
I appreciate that you think I am wise; I must humbly respond that I do struggle and stumble and probably the only reason I have had a heads up as to what to focus on and come to grips with is because I have had the support of my husband, family, NarAnon, have been reading (Codependent No More, etc.), and, also, last summer, when my son was in treatment, had the support of family meetings, really listened and learned about the illness. Must also mention county programs (D&A, probation) son was involved in as a minor -- great people and resources.
Of course, I absolutely am fallible and have to start daily to try to stay focused to take the right path!
Son is back home, as of the first of Sept. -- got kicked out of the house of his "friends." Without going into detail (this post would go on and on, lol), I don't think things are going to change and, so, don't think he will be here too long.
Thanks, again, and sending prayers your way, too.
I appreciate that you think I am wise; I must humbly respond that I do struggle and stumble and probably the only reason I have had a heads up as to what to focus on and come to grips with is because I have had the support of my husband, family, NarAnon, have been reading (Codependent No More, etc.), and, also, last summer, when my son was in treatment, had the support of family meetings, really listened and learned about the illness. Must also mention county programs (D&A, probation) son was involved in as a minor -- great people and resources.
Of course, I absolutely am fallible and have to start daily to try to stay focused to take the right path!
Son is back home, as of the first of Sept. -- got kicked out of the house of his "friends." Without going into detail (this post would go on and on, lol), I don't think things are going to change and, so, don't think he will be here too long.
Thanks, again, and sending prayers your way, too.
Last edited by Anaya; 09-04-2010 at 08:43 AM. Reason: unclear wording
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Oops...I forgot what should have been first on my list of supports -- I have turned a lot of this over to my HP and have faith. Also, my son has been prayed for by many, including me.
See what I mean about stumbling, lol. Maybe a little scatterbrained here today. It's been a very long week. :crazy
See what I mean about stumbling, lol. Maybe a little scatterbrained here today. It's been a very long week. :crazy
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