Son stole from family

Old 08-25-2010, 06:11 PM
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Son stole from family

My son is new to recovery and has been clean for 3 weeks and going to meeting every night. He was recently caught taking money from my brother in law and confronted. Naturally when he talked about it at the meeting they all understood because they have been there and even his doctor said that it takes a while to stop the bad behaviors. Since he was caught it made my brother in law realize he must have been the one to take a lot of money from him at Thanksgiving.(we knew nothing about the missing money). My other sister in law had jewelry stolen at Easter. They suspected it was possible someone in the family and we asked and said they just want to get the stuff back but no one admitted anything. Well he is meeting my brother in law tomorrow night to admit it took the money and will pay him back no matter how long it takes. I told him you can not begin to recover unless you come clean about everything and he finally admitted he took my sister in laws jewelry.If the store is open we will go tomorrow but it has been 5-6 months so I know the chances are slim to getting anything back. Since they have accused my son I have pretty much stayed in the house and not seem any of them. I know I did nothing wrong but am embarrassed. Having gone though this with my other son we should have seen the signs but missed them. Occasionally we suspected but I don't think we wanted to go through that hell again and missed them. So now he has to tell them he took the jewelry too. Has anyone had to deal with this and what was the outcome. My sister in law is like a sister to me and I don't know how I can face her after this. My son recently got into a little legal trouble, that was how we found out about his problem and I pray they do not want to press charges because it won't bring anything back and he needs recovery. I know me and I would never be able to press charges. He needs to try to do what ever it takes to make things up arresting him would hurt us more than anything. Anyway I was just wondering what others have done in this position and how their families have handled it.
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Old 08-25-2010, 06:32 PM
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Welcome to the world of an addict. It's NOT your fault. Hold your head high and let your sons be accountable. Addiction = humiliation to us codies. Don't carry his oweness. Let him shoulder it himself. If I sound harsh, I'm sorry. I probably am. But going from my own experience, let HIM handle it. You did nothing wrong, you tried to steer him right. Let him land on his own 2 feet with hiw own conscience to bear.

Sorry you're here. It's a tough place to be.
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Old 08-25-2010, 07:05 PM
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Welcome and I too am sorry that you are having to go through this.

With that said, I do know that not pressing charges, not forcing the addict to pay the price for their behavior will lead to nothing but more bad behavior...stealing, more lies, and more serious addiction...these are not my rules, it is just what will happen.

You can not lead him around to make the bad things that he did right, this is his game, not yours. If he wants to redeem himself and seek recovery, this is something he must do for himself, if he found his way to the pawn shop, he can find his way back.

I have no advise...except "Hands off the addict"

Take care of you, are you going to meetings? If not, I would suggest that you do so, and, read "Codepentant No More", great book for us codies to read.
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Old 08-25-2010, 07:22 PM
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Hi Cherry1

I agree with the above posters. Unfortunately, I do have experience with this. I have had MANY things and money go missing. Some things just cannot be replaced. I couldn't press charges on my daughter either. Although, before she went into rehab I had told her if anything else went missing that I would call the police and press charges, and I meant it. Not that I have much left that could be taken. My AD I suspect stole things from other family members too. All I can say is that you will have to let your relatives decide what they are going to do about it. You cannot fix it for him. When it is someone else's property, you must try and understand how they feel. It is not your fault, but I do understand how you feel. I have felt that way too. He will have to face the consequences of what he has done to your family.

I am sorry that you are going through this Cherry.

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Old 08-25-2010, 07:27 PM
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Originally Posted by cherrie1 View Post

My son is new to recovery and has been clean for 3 weeks and going to meeting every night. He was recently caught taking money from my brother in law.....
Did he take the money while "in recovery" over the past three weeks?

Regardless, what happened is between him and the people he stole from.

Can you consider not getting involved in tracking down the stolen jewelry?

He owns his behavior and the consequences.
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Old 08-25-2010, 07:30 PM
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I agree with outtolunch...what he did is between him and those he wronged. It is really not your affair and not your mess to attempt to clean up. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You didn't take money or steal jewelry, he did. It's all his baby.
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Old 08-25-2010, 07:40 PM
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I totally understand that shame. When you love someone in active addiction you cover for them with denial, dismissing, minimizing, walking on eggshells, etc. etc. We have all done these things.

Part of recovery as a family member is relinquishing this form of control and letting their behavior and its consequences fall on them. Hard to do, I know. Very very hard.

When I had the opportunity to make my apologies to family and friends. I still wonder how ready I really was for that step in the process, but I went with my heart open and that's the best I could do. I wasn't apologizing for my XABF's behavior because how could I. I wasn't the one who did what he did. I could only apologize for my naivety, my denial, my head in the sand, my neediness of him in the face of the obvious signs. I asked them to give me a chance to not allow my codependency to divide my relationships again and they have done just that. I've reconnected with family and it's fantastic.

Maybe my experience will inspire you to contact with your brother and SIL. Say what you have said here, that you feel terrible you didn't see or didn't want to see what was happening. Tell them you want to support your son's recovery but accept whatever decision they make regarding charges. They are his consequences to bear and they have every right to pursue the matter legally.

Believe it or not, those kind of consequences are exactly the kind of rock bottom he needs to hit to reach recovery. As much as it hurts, don't deny him that.

Come out from under those bed covers and face the world with a humble heart. You are asking the same of your son so lead by example. The sooner you reach out a hand the sooner someone can take it in theirs and lift you up. Codependency is a disease as much as addiction is.

Best wishes,
Alice
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Old 08-26-2010, 06:31 AM
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Originally Posted by ItsmeAlice View Post
Believe it or not, those kind of consequences are exactly the kind of rock bottom he needs to hit to reach recovery. As much as it hurts, don't deny him that.
I totally agree with Alice.

Sending you ESH
Hugs,
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Old 08-26-2010, 06:43 AM
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Thanks every one I know what you are saying and he is admitting it to them. I am staying out of that but I still feel horrible it is family and unless you have gone through this you don't understand it is not a personal thing that this is what addicts do. That does not make it right but it is a fact. I know they are looking to my husband and I to get him to admit it and find out where the jewelry went. I just feel if we could have something back when he goes to them it would really help. All along they said we just want whoever took it tell us so we can try to get it back.

We are a very close family and that is what is tearing my husband apart. We know we did not do this but our son who we love did and we can not help but feel responsible a little. I am sure they feel that way too. Lucky us, we ended up with two addicts and the rest of the family has none.

Hopefully they will forgive someday and we will be able to be with them and not have this hanging over our heads. He is telling my brother in law tonight about the money and that he will pay everything back and probably taking to my sister in law and her husband tomorrow night. Guess we'll know soon enough.
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Old 08-26-2010, 06:52 AM
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cherrie,

I am also sorry for what has brought you here, but agree with others, it is not your fault nor can you "fix" things for him.

My son (29 yrs old) borrowed money from my parents to purchase a car, many years ago. I was with him the night he asked them to borrow the money, so feel some sense of responsibility - like I was vouching for him or something. Anyway . . . you know the out come . . . money has never, NEVER been paid back. For a while I made payments to my parents for that money, but after a while they said "stop", we know the money is coming from you and it is not your debt to repay. I feel bad, but there is nothing I can do to "make" my son own up to his responsibility. I pray in time he will repay the debt - in the meantime, my father has passed away and I know my son lives with regret - my son tucked a note into my Dad's suit pocket in the coffin.

My son also has a warrant out for his arrest for "theft by swindle", he tried to sell my car without my knowledge - took money from a man, but then couldn't turn over ownership because the car was not in his name. I reported the incident to the police, if I hadn't the man who paid him money would have been able to sue me as an accomplice.

So yes, I've been where you are - my son will eventually have to pay for the mistakes he has made, I can't do that for him. I am "paying" for the mistakes I've made trying to run his life, take care of him, rescue him, etc. I've learned not to do that anymore.
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Old 08-26-2010, 06:59 AM
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I really do know how you feel. It's embarrassing even when we know we aren't the ones who stole. I think it's a good thing that your AS is confessing to what he did, and I hope he finds a way to make amends without getting charged with a crime. I know we are suppose to let them feel the consequences, but I also know it is hard to do that when we are watching them do the work to get well. I find it's a lot easier to be hard on my AS when he is actively using...once he gets a little clean time under him and acts like a civilized human being for a while, I soften a little. Trying to quit doing that so much as I have been kicked in the gut by him with relapses so often.

Praying that your AS feels the consequence of letting down those who love him enough that he is determined not to ever put him or your family in this position again.
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Old 08-26-2010, 07:00 AM
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cherrie
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this........even though you have no guilt in your son's activities, we parents tend to take accountability....even when we shouldn't. I know I have in the past and would guess that most of the codependent people on SR have done it as some point as well.

One of the things I have to remember is that when I get involved in solving or participating in the resolution of my son's messes, I send a powerful but very subtle message that he is not capable of doing it himself. That message sent over and over again can convince them that they aren't capable. Letting them stand up and handle their problems, admit their mistakes, find resolutions, make amends is the best thing we can do for the addicts in our lives.

I bet you've been a great mother. You've taught your son right from wrong. And I would bet that your family knows this too.

It's such good news that your son is seeking recovery! I'll keep him and you in my prayers.

gentle hugs
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Old 08-26-2010, 08:49 AM
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I agree w/pretty much everyone. The part that concerns me most is if you are going to try to stop them from pressing charges because you think his recovery will collapse...in fact, it may solidify his recovery knowing that all consequences will be answered by him alone. I don't think anything we can do can make them "fall off" the wagon if they truly want recovery..only they can decide that. My AD has done some real crappy stuff to our family too. She is going to have to answer for all of them herself. That will be at the discretion of her and her sponsor.Does your son have a sponsor..sounds more like their area of expertise. Maybe call your sponsor about the embarrassment and guilt w/ the family. Gotta keep those recoveries seperate....
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Old 08-26-2010, 09:49 AM
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I am staying out of that but I still feel horrible it is family and unless you have gone through this you don't understand it is not a personal thing that this is what addicts do.
Cherrie,
I think nearly everyone who has responded to your thread has been through this with a family member, especially a child.
Speaking specifically for me, I have two addicted children. One is 29 years old today and in a lock down rehab for a parole violation (related to getting money for heroin) and one who will be 18 in September, just finishing up her third rehab with two years of probation in adult court now.
I wish someone had shared with me what the people are sharing here with you. This is hard won knowledge, it is against instinct to be harsh on your children and see them uncomfortable. If you do not let him suffer these consequences (alone) the consequences will get worse. You cannot rescue him from his own life.
Give him the dignity to repair this damage himself, and he can feel in charge of his life.

Thank you for reading.
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Old 08-26-2010, 10:56 AM
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Originally Posted by cherrie1 View Post

We are a very close family and that is what is tearing my husband apart. We know we did not do this but our son who we love did and we can not help but feel responsible a little. I am sure they feel that way too. Lucky us, we ended up with two addicts and the rest of the family has none.

Hopefully they will forgive someday and we will be able to be with them and not have this hanging over our heads. He is telling my brother in law tonight about the money and that he will pay everything back and probably taking to my sister in law and her husband tomorrow night. Guess we'll know soon enough.
Did your son call and ask your opinion of his intent to steal from his relatives, before his stole from them? Did you encourage him to do so? Well, of course you did not.

You have done nothing wrong and therefore there is nothing hanging over your head.

I have walked miles in your shoes and once felt the way you do. When we trend towards taking responsibility for someone else's behaviors, it's more about sustaining the fantasy that we somehow/someway control other people's behaviors. The more we try to control other people, the less control we have over ourselves.

Perhaps it makes sense to consider meeting with the relatives to make it clear that you are not responsibile for your son's behaviors. He is not a toddler who accidently broke a vase while running around with his head chopped off.

The outcome will depend on your son taking ownership of his past behavior. That alone will tell you more about his recovery than anything else, provided you give him the dignity of facing the consequences.

I remain curious when this most recent theft occured. If it happened within the past 3 weeks, I suspect something else other than recovery may be going on here, no matter how many meetings he says or is actually attending.
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Old 08-26-2010, 11:38 AM
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Sorry if all the facts have not been totally clear but it would take hours to tell every detail. The latest theft occurred three weeks ago. He got into trouble a week before that and that is how we found out he had a problem. He went to a doctor and began suboxone and going to meeting. When he got caught taking money he was a week clean and he talked to his sponsor and doctor about that and they said that is how you survived and you have to break those habits. He said that was the worst part because he took money when newly clean. And that is what got the whole thing out in the open. My brother in law figured he must have been the one to have taken money at Thanksgiving and my other sister in law was missing jewelry so finally he has come clean.

I know all of you understand this is not uncommon behavior for an addict what I meant was if you have not been touched by this you don't understand that it is not personal it is just an addict doing what it needs to to survive. That does not make it right I know.

He is facing this himself I will not even be here tonight when he talks to my brother in law. He knows he did this and only he can fix it. I know I have nothing to feel guilty about but my son hurt our family and I do feel bad about that. Our relationships are strained right now and I am hoping they can someday be normal again. If I am guilty of anything it was not seeing the signs when I already went through this with another child.
I am bitter that I have to go through this again when the rest of the family has the 'perfect kids". I know I have no control over the outcome but that does not mean that I am not worried for him. He is my son and I love him. He was wrong and he needs to try to make amends. He will not come out of all this without any consequences he is going to be sited for something by the police that had nothing to do with any of this, that just brought all of this to our attention. Thanks for all the support.
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Old 08-26-2010, 12:32 PM
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Originally Posted by cherrie1 View Post
Our relationships are strained right now and I am hoping they can someday be normal again.
They will if/when everyone owns their own stuff, and not accept others issues or assign them. If relationships are strained right now, it's because everyone is doing the codie waltz to an out of tune orchestra. That probably means 'normal' wasn't all that healthy to begin with :-/

It sounds like your son is owning his stuff, stepping away from his dance with the devil and doing the next right thing. Kudos to him
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Old 08-26-2010, 09:26 PM
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are you feeling any better, cherrie?

i don't have this type of experience, but i just wanted to send a cyber hug your way.

it is completely normal for us to feel shame when our children behave badly. it is an inherently human characteristic i think (like being proud of them when they do something great) and i also think cultural. we were brought up to feel this way.

but we can try and break those old, harmful belief systems. because we know better.
hard to do but how 'bout being ok with progress?

i also believe that honesty and candor go a long way in keeping relationships strong, and rebuilding those that have suffered some damage.

i hope we can get an update after the talk with bro-in-law
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Old 08-27-2010, 02:06 AM
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I think one of the hardest things for me to accept about my son's addiction was the completely illogical nature of it. When he would take something, I would confront him on the level of his raising and his Christian convictions - I just couldn't accept that although he would "agree" with me I was not talking to my son I was talking to the addict - I've had to resist kicking myself for the missed opportunities to have him arrested -
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Old 08-27-2010, 03:10 AM
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Sorry Cherrie, for this pain in your life. As a mom dealing with AS, I know how painful it is, when they do not live in a healthy way. It hurts your heart, and we want so much to fix things, thinking that it is the way to bring happiness back to our child.that only makes them dependent on us, and makes them think that what they have done is not that bad, I believe.

You have gotten lots of good advice here. I am new here, but would just say, step back, and let him feel the pain. it is the pain that may stop him from doing something much worse. It sounds like he may be "using" meetings to make every one think he is going to be clean, but it has not reached his heart and soul yet. He has to feel the pain of his life as out of control due to his addictions.
sending wishes for recovery to your son, and to you and your family,
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