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Kindeyes 08-22-2010 03:02 PM

Remedial Reading
 
Well, after my experiences with my AS last week, I've decided that I need to do a little remedial reading. I've pulled out my quite battered copy of Codependent No More and am reading it while I'm fresh off this last interaction with him. It's hitting me with renewed force. I read a bit of it outloud to my husband and his comment was "Every sentence you just read to me needs to be digested and examined carefully so that you don't lose sight of your own recovery again." Gosh but I love that man.

So....I hope you all don't mind.....but I'm going to use this thread as my avenue for digesting the words of Melody Beattie and I'll share my thoughts along the way. Feel free to chime in.

gentle hugs

Kindeyes 08-22-2010 03:27 PM

CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie

Page 37 (on codependence)

They (codependents) have worried themselves sick about other people. They have tried to help in ways that didn't help. They have said yes when they meant no. They have tried to make other people see things their way. They have bent over backward to avoid hurting people's feelings and, in so doing, have hurt themselves. They have been afraid to trust their feelings. They have believed lies and then felt betrayed. They have wanted to get even and punish others. They have felt so angry they wanted to kill. They have struggled for their rights while other people said that they didn't have any. They have worn sackcloth because they didn't believe they deserved silk.


Worrying myself sick: Literally Guilty. I have lost 2/3 of my colon from worry. Even after just two days around my AS......I felt the stomach pain begin again. I worry so much that it makes me physically sick. That has got to stop.

Saying YES when I mean NO: Guilty. I have a very hard time saying NO to anyone. It sounds something like this....nnnnnnnnnyes. Most people have some kind of built in filter that prevents them from totally taking advantage of others. My AS has no such filter so I need to change that about ME. Sounds like it just might be a good idea in all aspects of my life.

Trying to get people to see things my way: Guilty. It doesn't matter if other people see things my way or not. We all try to influence others around us....it's a human thing. But I can be like a bulldog and just won't let go........I need to let go.

Avoiding hurting other people's feelings: Guilty. Bend over backwards? No.....I'll do BACKFLIPS to keep from hurting someone elses feelings. I'd rather take the pain of hurt feelings than hurt someone elses. Sound like a self imposed victim? uh huh.

Afraid to trust my own feelings: Yes....guilty.

I could go on and on here but the bottom line is guilty on all counts. Now....before anyone says "you're being too hard on yourself" or "stop beating yourself up" I think it's important to recognize these characteristics so that I can come to terms with them and move beyond them.

I need to have the courage to change.......ME.

Does anyone out there remember the take off of the Serenity Prayer that ends with "the wisdom to know its me".......I think I need to put that one on my refridgerator.

gentle hugs

suki44883 08-22-2010 03:30 PM

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.

Kindeyes 08-22-2010 03:32 PM

Suki
Thank you......printing it out now and putting it up on my fridge.
gentle hugs

Live 08-22-2010 03:43 PM

bend over backward to not hurt others and hurting myself
angry enough to kill


ouch and with me the two always wind up with enough of the first resulting in the second,

Wisher 08-22-2010 04:13 PM

Great thread Kindeyes!
One of my fave quotes is "In any given situation, detach and ask: what do I need to do to take care of myself". (Have on my fridge)
I also like "No wonder we think God has abandoned us, we abandoned ourselves". I am happy to say I no longer think He abandoned me.

ThatLittleGirl 08-22-2010 05:26 PM

Gosh but I love that man. - You are so blessed to have someone like that in your life...someone to rely on...I hope to have someone like that in my life one day...when I'm healthy!

CatsPajamas 08-22-2010 07:35 PM


Gosh but I love that man. - You are so blessed to have someone like that in your life...someone to rely on...I hope to have someone like that in my life one day...when I'm healthy!
When I'm Healthy - that's when it happened for me. And not a moment before.

Kindeyes, I'm glad you've got this thread going. Co Dependent No More is such a good book. It helped me to learn so much about myself and why I did the things I did.

NeedingHelp7 08-22-2010 07:46 PM

Kindeyes,

I read parts of that book yrs ago, but can't remember what it said.

Thankyou for refreshing my memory.....keep going....you got my undivided attention. :)

gotahavfaith 08-22-2010 08:07 PM

I REALLY have to go get that book!

Gotahavfaith

ThatLittleGirl 08-22-2010 08:21 PM

They have been afraid to trust their feelings. - This one has been plaguing me lately. I have realized how much I don't trust myself...not just my feelings, but my ideas and my future. I am so insecure right now, I am completely paralyzed. I used to work through issues in a snap. Whatever it was...I just fixed it to get it out of my way and never thought twice about it...didn't worry about how it would affect people...just did it and moved forward. Today, and this is no lie, I do everything in my power to not have to make a decision. I put it off...I want to think about it (denial...it's just a tactic to prolong making a decision), talk to five thousand people (slight exaggeration) first, and then sit on it awhile to be sure. An example, the inspection report came back, and we'd already decided we would fix everything and not fight it even though some of the things were a bit picky. With the market, we don't want to rock the boat with these buyers...we want to keep them happy...so fixing everything is the easiest way to accomplish that goal. Sounds straight forward right??? Nope, I discussed with exah and came up with a plan...then talked to my mom...then slept on it...then talked to my mom the next morning...then called exah again...then re-ran numbers...then signed and finally faxed over revised contract (and still felt very anxious about it...scared I made a mistake). Ridiculous...and I hate it...I just don't get why I'm so darned indecisive now...it's driving me crazy...!!!

Kindeyes 08-23-2010 07:08 AM

CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie

Page 62 - 63 (on detachment)

First, let's discuss what detachment isn't. Detachment is not a cold, hostile withdrawal; a resigned, desparing acceptance of anything life and people throw our way; a robotical walk through life oblivious to and totally unaffected by people and problems....... Nor is it a removal of our love and concern, although sometimes these ways of detaching might be the best we can do, for the moment.

Detachment is based on the premises that each person is responsible for himself, that we can't solve problems that aren't ours to solve, and that worrying doesn't help. We adopt a policy of keeping our hands off other peple's responsbilities and tend to our own instead. If people have created some disasters for themselves, we allow them to face their own proverbial music. We allow people to be who they are. We give them the freedom to be responsible and to grow. And we give ourselves that same freedom. We live our own lives to the best of our ability. WE strive to ascertain what it is we can change and what we cannot change. The we stop trying to change things we can't. We do what we can to solve a problem, and then we stop fretting and stewing. If we cannot solve a problem and we have done what we could, we learn to live with, or in spite of, that problem. And we try to live happily--focusing heroicaly on what is good in our lives today, and feeling grateful for that. We learn the magical lesson that making the most of what we have turns it into more.

Detaching does not mean we don't care. It means we learn to love, care and be involved without going crazy. We stop creating all this chaos in our minds and environments. When we are not anxiously and compulsively thrashing about, we become able to make good decisions about how to love people, and how to solve our problems. We become free to care and to love in ways that help others and don't hurt ourselves.


Wow. As I read this again, I realized how I have washed IN and OUT of healthy detachment. The obsession that goes along with codependent behavior has affected everyone around me......NOT just my AS. My dear supportive husband, my beautiful intelligent daughter, my loving mother, my employees, all of the people who care about or LOVE ME are hurt by my obsessive concern with my addicted son. And what a conflict.......as a codependent I don't want to hurt other people!

Today I am going to (again) practice healthy detachment. And I'll do that EVERYDAY. I can do it because I have done it in the past. I need to focus on living MY life to the best of my ability everyday.

gentle hugs

sunnygirl68 08-23-2010 08:59 AM

When I first started attending Nar-Anon meetings over 2 years ago, detachment was such a strange concept to me. How could I "Care enough not to care". It took several months of reading my codie books, attending meetings and sharing with others just like me to grasp the concept and exercise it in my daily life. There is no telling the weight that lifted off my shoulders when I started practicing it!
WOW! I could actually continue to love and care for my qualifier without giving up myself! I could actually make decisions that benefited ME instead of everybody else! The most liberating and healthy thing I have ever done!

CatsPajamas 08-23-2010 09:08 AM

This is from Courage to Change, May 3


May 3

Detachment. At first it may sound cold and rejecting, not loving at all. But I have come to believe that detachment is actually a wonderful gift: I am allowing my loved ones the privilege and opportunity of being themselves.

I do not wish to interfere with anyone’s opportunities to discover the joy and self-confidence that can accompany personal achievements. If I am constantly intervening to protect them for painful experiences, I also do them a great disservice. As Mark Twain said, “A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.”

I find it painful to watch another person suffer or head down a road I believe leads to pain. Many of my attempts to rescue others have been prompted by my desire to avoid this pain. Today I’m learning to experience my own fear, grief, and anguish. This helps me to be willing to trust the same growth in others, because I know first-hand about the gifts it can bring.

Today’s reminder:
Sometimes it is more loving to allow someone else to experience the natural consequences of their actions, even when it is painful for us both. In the long run, both of us will benefit. Today I will put love first in my life.
“All I have to do is keep my hands off and turn my heart on.”

…. In All Our Affairs

JMFburns 08-23-2010 11:25 AM

Just recently found Codependent No More and Beyond Codenpendency at a used book sale, I snatched them up as quick as I could! I think I'll start reading right along with you.

I've learned so much in NarAnon and AlAnon and here, but I know I've still got a ways too go. As I'm reading over your excerpts (sp?) from the book I still identify with bits and pieces. Thanks Kindeyes for the gentle nudge.

Hopefully we'll both grow and learn a bit and not be so involved, drawn in, affected, etc. by our sons. I'm with ya lady!

Kindeyes 08-23-2010 02:11 PM

JMFburns
What a great find! I'll look forward to reading your thoughts on the book as you go through it. I've read it before but I think that my memory is getting so bad (lol) that I need to read it periodically just to keep myself pointed in the right direction.
gentle hugs


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