stephnc

This is my first time writing in this area of SR...I'm an alcoholic and so is my on-again, off-again boyfriend. He and I started dating about a year and a half ago; we were both sober at the time and met in AA. Started living together in November 2008, started drinking together in January 2009, got sober again for a while, started drinking again for a while, got sober...well, I got sober but he started drinking and smoking pot without my knowing about it in January 2010. Once I found out, I broke up with him. Since he doesn't have a job (he's on disability for mental issues) he didn't move out until mid-March, at which time I thought I'd seen the last of him.

Fast forward to late May of this year, the former bf contacts me and a few other friends to tell me he's drinking and smoking pot again, feeling suicidal, and needs to go to the hospital. He stayed in the psych ward for about a week, after which time he (supposedly) was planning to go to a six-month treatment center. I offered to let him stay with me for the couple of days between being released from the hospital and going to treatment.

Well, for various reasons he couldn't manage to get into treatment right away, and we sort of rekindled our romantic relationship - he had really changed a lot and was going to AA, getting his life in order, etc. The "few days" that he was to spend with me turned into two months...but I didn't pressure him about the treatment plans since he seemed so healthy and was doing so well...he'd even stopped smoking cigarettes as well as drinking and smoking pot. I thought there might be a chance this relationship could work out after all, which surprised the heck out of me.

Then, a couple of weeks ago and after an appointment with his case worker (who was trying to arrange a treatment center admission for him) he decided he didn't want to go to treatment after all...he didn't need it, and he decided he wanted to just keep living with me. Well, I told him I wasn't ready to make that commitment at this point...that I wanted him to get help, and I wanted to work on my own recovery (I'm 3 months sober as of two days ago), that he needed to find somewhere else to live. This freaked him out, and he disappeared for five days - finally showing up again to tell me he'd been drinking and smoking pot the whole time, but that he intended to quit. I let him come back into my home, which was probably not the smartest thing to do, and again he seemed to be on the straight and narrow.

Until three days ago. He'd been out late for a couple of nights, and I suspected he'd been getting high...so I checked his belongings and indeed found a bag of pot. I told him he had to move out by the end of this month, and that until he moved out, he was to stay in the guest room.

What I'm worried about is the fact that he really has nowhere else to go. He has no job, a very limited income, and is generally incapable of taking care of himself or supporting himself. I know that none of this is my problem, but I'm still faced with the dilemma of how to get him to leave. I know also that I have plenty of codependent issues and I basically lack the balls to simply insist that he leave...but I've got to somehow put my foot down.

Am I being unreasonable to demand that he leave my house? And how can I insist on him moving out without acting like a total b!tch? Thanks to anyone who has read all of this...I'm desperate for suggestions and support in how to handle this situation.

Stephanie

stephnc

Oh, one more thing. When I found the bag of pot, I flushed it down the toilet - which made the bf furious. I told him I simply would not have marijuana in my house so too bad. I think he's bought some more but he's keeping it hidden somewhere in the woods so he doesn't bring it or smoke it in the house. Whatever. I just want him gone.

And then again, I have to admit I'm a little afraid of him being gone...of being alone again, since I've once again grown used to having him around. Pathetic, I know.

Help.

Nerdgirl

[/I]What I'm worried about is the fact that he really has nowhere else to go. He has no job, a very limited income, and is generally incapable of taking care of himself or supporting himself. I know that none of this is my problem, but I'm still faced with the dilemma of how to get him to leave. I know also that I have plenty of codependent issues and I basically lack the balls to simply insist that he leave...but I've got to somehow put my foot down.

Am I being unreasonable to demand that he leave my house? And how can I insist on him moving out without acting like a total b!tch? Thanks to anyone who has read all of this...I'm desperate for suggestions and support in how to handle this situation.[I]

You are being perfectly reasonable. It's your house, these are your rules. I wouldn't tolerate that either. Moreover, he is manipulating you. He can go to a shelter, and if he's disabled he gets money through social security - he's just prioritized drugs above getting a place to live because he can land at your place as long as you will let him.

Put yourself and your sobriety first.

LexieCat

Hi, Steph,

It doesn't sound like this guy's living with you is good for either one of you. I've had to give men the heave-ho twice--once with an ex-husband who had gone back to drinking after almost dying from liver failure, and once with a guy who wasn't an addict, but was manipulative and taking advantage of me.

With the ex-husband I simply moved out--which is easier (for me) than kicking someone else out (particularly when the other person isn't well). With the other guy, I discovered he had been lying to me about something significant for a long time, and I simply told him (actually woke him in the middle of the night to yell at him), that he was packing up and getting out IN THE MORNING. He protested he had noplace to go, etc., and I told him it wasn't my problem. Of course, he managed--he stayed in a motel for a bit, eventually found a place to live, etc.

Obviously, it's your place, so you aren't going anywhere. If you let him stay there, you are enabling his addiction, and endangering your own sobriety.

If I were you, I'd give him a week (two weeks, tops) to make other arrangements for a place to live. You can simply say this isn't a good situation for you, and he has to leave. Don't engage in arguments, just repeat your expectations. Make it absolutely clear it doesn't matter what he does or doesn't do, he still has to leave. He will probably either try to make you out the bad guy, or he will play on your sympathies and make promises. Don't engage in it. You can say, "I wish you the best, but you can't get well here. It's not good for me."

If he sees you are immovable, hopefully he will get off his butt and find a place to live. If he doesn't, you might have to have him removed. Hopefully, it won't come to that.

Good luck, sometimes it's very tough to do what we know is the right thing.

nlogax

I agree with Nerdgirl. He's an adult, and is responsible for his own life, whether he takes that responsibility or not. You might even be doing him a favour...

jerect

Are you being unreasonable for wanting him out? Absolutely Not,, him being in your home is not
Helping your recovery. If he has no place to go, that's his problem. Its funny when addicts say they have no money to buy food or to have a place to stay but yet they always seem to have money to buy their drugs and alcohol with. Your helping him by making him leave.. Perhaps now the treatment center will seem like a viable option to him as now he has no place else to go.

Its so hard to break free from an addictive relationship.. I know because I'm struggling with this very same thing.. You guys are toxic to each other and as long as he is in your life you will never be able to focus on your recovery as you should..

Take care of you and let your BF figure out his own path

DayTrader

Hey Steph... sometimes providing an environment where someone can continue their drugging/drinking is more inhumane than kicking them out. I'm not saying it's easy but maybe it's the best thing for him to get booted.

...I'm a guy and I don't have those balls either. I've got an aa friend staying with me now too and it's starting to wear on me. I've been praying a lot lately for guidance on what TO do and the power to DO it.

Live

disability pays around the first of the month, right? good time to give him the heads up.
a bag of pot doesn't come cheap, as someone else has said, and that was his choice on
his priority of how to spend his money. He can choose differently.

You can tell him firmly "This isn't working for me and you need to be find someplace else by 00/00/00" Then let it go at that.
I expect you will hear alot of "his troubles". Remebember....those are his troubles, not yours.
You can suggest alternative solutions (places to go for lodging or help if you know of them).
It's his deal to pick up the phone and make those arrangements.
If you aren't afraid of what he might do....you can also tell him that you will be changing the locks on 00/01/00. That let's him know your plans are firmly made.

hugs, you can do this....it is your health and happiness at stake

Dee74

Hey Steph

I think you're being absolutely reasonable.

It's your house and you're ex sounds like he's not only out of control, he's trying to emotionally manipulate you as well.

The best thing you can do for you is kick him out.

The best thing you can do for him is kick him out too.

He'll either take the wake up call, or find someone else to mooch off of.

Like others have said, people who can buy bags of pot - and then replace those bags - aren't destitute.

I know you feel for the guy - and if he's in active addict mode I've no doubt he will pull at your heartstrings - but deep down, you know what's right, Steph

D

suki44883

The Salvation Army is free and if he gets there before 5:00 pm, there's a good chance of him getting a bed for the night. It's not true that he has nowhere to go. He may not like it, but it is still someplace.

stephnc

Thanks all of you so very much for your responses, I really, really appreciate all of your support and advice. I know what I need to do and plan to have the bf out by the end of the month (about a week from now)...he will have his disability money so he should be able to arrange some other type of living arrangement. I'm not going to let that be my problem or dilemma. I know I'll probably have to hear some b!tching and moaning about how unfair I'm being and how difficult it will be for him to be "kicked out" but fortunately I'm good at ignoring that kind of cr@p if I have to be.

Thanks again, everybody. I don't know what I'd do without my SR buddies.

Stephanie

URMYEVERYTHING

Bi*ch=Peace in this case. You are doing the right thing. You are actually being nicer than me. I would have kicked him out when I found the bag so no, you aren't being a Bi*ch. The law is a Bi*ch though when they figure out illegal activity is going on in your own. I would rather deal with me being a little moody then them.

Sounds like you are doing the right thing for yourself and sobriety which is far more important than a man or feeling lonely.

stephnc

Thanks again for all of your posts and support. Well, I must be a true codependent because the first of the month has come and gone and he's still living here. I made the mistake of allowing him to offer me some emotional support around a big event in my life last weekend (my first craft show) and somehow his departure from my home has been delayed for another week. His case worker has found him affordable housing but it won't be available for another week or so...so that means I'm still stuck with him?!?

I'm furious with myself and with him. Last night he went out for a late-night "bike ride"...when he didn't return for four hours, I called his cell phone and he was stoned.

Should I kick him out today? Or stick it out for one more week? Grrrrrrrrr.

Help.

endzoner

Steph ... you know what you need to do , you dont need to ask ... hes just prolonging things and saying things you wish to hear .. kick his butt to the curb and say good bye , how many chances does he need to do what you have told him is not allowed ,, stick with your boundries and dont bend for nuttin .. huggles Endzy

stephnc

Thank you, Endzy....thank you thank you thank you. I really do know what I need to do...and I hope it doesn't make me a total loser that I need other people to reinforce what I already know. But I do desperately need to hear it from my friends and sponsor and SR buddies and anyone else who will advise me because it helps...more than you can ever imagine.

I haven't read much about codependents or alanon (probably need to) but I'm fairly certain that having very controlling and irrational parents (I had the dysfunctional childhood from hell) has affected my ability to stand up for myself or to even understand the dynamics of what happens in my relationships. I was never taught to think for myself, I had to obey my parents without question or suffer horrible consequences. I just never learned how to KNOW what I want for myself...much less go about getting it or asking for it. But I intend to learn. This is hard.

outtolunch

Only you can decide if risking your own sobriety and sanity is worth establishing and sticking to your own boundaries including letting go of the outcomes. You have no control over him.

outtolunch

You may not have learned to cook either, but I bet you can learn how to do so.

Once we reach adulthood we all get to choose to continue to blame our parents or let go of that and become the person we want to be, including acquiring the necessary emotional survival and coping skills.

Social workers/ therapists everywhere lead groups foused on teaching appropriate life skills/ assertiveness training, anger managements.... Participation is usually quite affordable. You can check this out at your local hospital.