kelle

I had been with my boyfriend for almost two years. He became addicted to Oxycontin. For six months I didn't know. I had an idea that he was, but when I confronted him, I got the typical answer from an addict... "No of course not." It wasn't until his mom decided to ask if I knew about it. It has been a month and a half since she has told me about him. I stuck with him for a couple weeks, because I thought I needed to help him, and he couldn't do it without me. It didn't work. I didn't trust him, he was lying to me ALL THE TIME. About anything and everything. So I broke up with him... about 2 weeks ago, and we have tried to remain friends. I don't know what difference I thought it would make for us to just remain friends... we still hung out a lot.

The last couple of days I have known something has been up. Everything that has come out of his mouth has been a lie. He told me on thursday night that he wanted to take me to dinner friday night. I agreed and said that I was really looking forward to it. Friday comes and I haven't heard from him, and he won't answer his phone. I decided to drive past his house to see if maybe he was just sleeping. He was outside with his dealer friend. They didn't see me drive past. I decided to text him and ask him what he was doing. He replied and said that he was helping with his dad with some things. Things got crazy after that because I SAW that he was lying. He told me that I always assumed he was lying and I didn't know what I was talking about and I am just crazy. That sentence probably hurts more than anything. I'm not crazy. I've been lied to so much by him! I told him I was done talking to him, even being his friend. And that's how it has ended.

It hurts so much for him to think that I was crazy! Sure I have a lot of issues with myself being a codependent and all, but what about him? If i'm crazy, then what is he?

We are done talking. I know I needed to let this 'relationship' go. It wasn't working. I was hurting... I am hurting. I need to get through this, but I am so weak right now. If he tried to come back when i'm at this state, i'm sure I would take him back no questions asked. I just need to know that I can get through this, and it was the right thing to do.

oshkoshberjosh

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (the addict), the courage to change the things I can (myself), and the wisdom to know the difference.

I didn't cause his addiction, I can't control it, and I can't cure it.

I can either choose to enable his addiction (by taking him back), or I can set boundaries for myself and for my own sanity and then stick to them.

I must allow him the dignity of facing the consequences of his actions and his addiction.

These are things I have learned for myself in my own life. Hope this helps!

Kindeyes

kelle
Addiction is a crazy making disease. You aren't crazy but loving an addict can sure make it feel that way. Stick around and read the posts from others.....you'll begin to see how very similar all of the stories are.
gentle hugs

Babyblue

You aren't crazy. You are trying to rationalize an illness that makes no sense to those of us who aren't addicts. Lying and addiction go hand in hand. He isn't lying just to you, he is lying to himself as well, the ultimate lie that could cost him his life. But you trying to point this out to him is a waste of your energy. You may as well be speaking another language.

Getting through this is about taking care of yourself and your limits. Letting go of that which you cannot control. If the pain of seeing him in this life is too great then yes, you need to walk away. If you stay, remember that your needs will never ever be met as long as he is in active addiction. That is where the anger and frustration comes in. So you'll try to do more so that he will somehow realize how much you are there for him and seek treatment. It aint gonna happen! As soon as you accept that, the easier it will be for you to step back or step away altogether.

Just know that you aren't alone

Teenie

You're story is VERY similar to mine. My ex would call me crazy when I'd catch him on his sh*t and point it out to him and he'd freak out on my CONSTANTLY and try to tell me that I had problems. I learned better and am now not even in contact w/ him and am letting him deal w/ his own problems. Eventually he'll reach his bottom. And for some, it takes a while or takes a few times of someone hitting rock bottom to get help.

If he does contact you, don't answer. And if he happens to call u from jail or anywhere else, let him deal w/ his own problems. Don't make calls/get numbers for him. I made the mistake of doing that while my ex was in jail. I got his lawyers number for him. I personally think i prevented him from reaching his bottom by doing that and not just letting him sit in his own self-dug hole.

Stay strong hun and surround yourself w/ good loving ppl. Friends, Family etc. And do things that u weren't able to do while being w/ him because i were so worried about his well-being.

kelle

OshKosh: Thank you. I read the serenity prayer every day.

Teenie: Thank you for letting me know i'm not alone. But i'm also so sorry that you have been through this. Does he still try to talk to you? and has it gotten easier being without him?

summer017

hi darlin
you are so strong. stronger than i ever was when i was in your shoes. i was convinced that me staying with him was going to change him. magically, my love was going to put an end to years and years of drug abuse! oh i wish that was true! if it was that easy - there would be no drug addiction.

when i first came here asking for advice, i was only partially asking for advice. i needed a place to rant and see others opinions. i wanted all responses to be hopeful and give me a reason to hang on to the relationship. instead what i got was advice to get out of there.. and fast! i didn't want to hear that! i read it, i took it in.. but in no way did i apply it. i didn't have the STRENGTH.

he called you crazy. YOU KNOW YOU ARE NOT CRAZY. but what we (as those who love addicts) can sometimes feel like we are crazy with the situations we are put through! been there! lol basically, it is the addict in him trying to protect itself. by him putting you down, you spend less time thinking about how his addict behaviors are making you sick as well and more time feeling bad about yourself, as if you caused it!

it was COMPLETELY the right thing to do, don't spend another second thinking otherwise. it sounds like his addiction has taken quite the hold.. lies lies lies, ugh i hurt for you. but staying in the relationship with him right now is going to break you down farther and farther. there is nothing you can do, it is so true that sobriety is something he has to want HIMSELF. and you mentioned nothing of his desire for sobriety? he needs a relationship with sobriety first if there is ever going to be a relationship between the two of you.

it's not easy, but you will be okay.. trust me on that.
message me anytime.. you are going to want to vent and i'm always available

xoxo

Teenie

He occassionally sends me a childish e-mail and calls me from blocked numbers. But i've learned to ignore them both. Still learning, but it does get better day by day.

sofacat

Hi kelle,

Addicts will lie to protect their secret... even if it means hurting you in the process.

What he is doing is twisting things around. You are already in a confused vulnerable mental place. The tactic is quite successful on those of us who are codependent enough to believe it. It buys them time.

I spent 10 years with an opiate addict. He was the love of my life. But he was killing himself...and I was making myself crazy. The combination isn't a very good one.

He would use the same tactics on Me that are being used on you right now. I could even have pills in MY HAND to show him that I know, and he would play the ole twistaroo game with Me. Suddenly "you are the crazy one"... "you need help". And if we are codependent enough, we will actually rather believe it is US that has the problem than face the reality that our loved ones are lying to us.

I'm sorry you are in this place with Him.... but I am so glad you came here for yourself.

There are so many great people here. This place has literally helped me get my life back... just as it can for you too.

His addiction had absolutely nothing to do with you...it his his road to travel.
What you do for yourself is what will make the difference.

Welcome to SR.