For the families and friends of addicted children/adults
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 144
For the families and friends of addicted children/adults
I had a humbling thought today. As you guys know, I am a struggling recovering stimulant and opiate addict. However, I have always loved my family even more than my self, and a major motivation to be clean was them. Some people have made sticky threads about the mindsets of addicts, but I have found most of them to be sort of cold. I don't believe all addicts think that way (like "screw them, I'll use what I want"). I honestly do believe that many addicts are close to their families and feel that they have a problem that no one can fix.
When I say "humbling", I mean self-humbling. This is not intended to guilt the non-addict loved ones of addicts at all.
Anyway, I was thinking to myself what love truly is in terms of being there for your family and friends as they are there for you. I came to the realization that, as a recovering addict, I had always loved my family but was convinced that what I was doing (using drugs) was a weakness that *no one* could fix. I felt doomed to always use because I was already caught up in a bad habit and felt that getting out of it would result in terrible consequences. Things that usually came to mind were suicide, depression (which I have always struggled with), loss of creativity, and loss of motivation.
On so many occasions I still get angry with feeling normal and having to do work that others don't need to do (those without addictions). However, always wind up considering that my mom and dad raised me for *years*. They loved me unconditionally, even though they made mistakes that I still struggle to forgive. Even in my darkest times, they never shunned me and always told me to love me for me. They had to do work as parents that people who are not parents don't need to do. At the same time, there are people with diabetes who need to take medications that others don't need to, and many people with disabilities wind up doing whatever they need to be happy and successful.
The moral of the story is that there is no single person who doesn't need to do a different kind of work. Someone on SR (I can't remember the username) compared addiction recovery to the work a person in a wheelchair might choose to do in order to live the most productive life possible. When I first read that, I was so tired and frustrated that I didn't appreciate it completely. The next morning, however, I re-read it and understood exactly what he was talking about.
The truth is, I am a sick individual. I'm a good person, but I have an illness that most individuals don't have. I am one of the unlucky ones who was born with a tendency to want to do unhealthy things to feel happy or normal. However, this does not mean that I don't deserve to be happy or to live like the most satisfied people. This is no different for any addict.
I love people. I just love them even though a lot of them irritate and confuse me so much. For this reason, I feel that as one of these humans that I love, I must love myself. I have for so long viewed myself as a different or lesser individual. However, I also realize that I am not alone. A lot of people have addictions and mental illnesses.
I was touched when my cousin came to me a few months ago with a concern. All his life (he is two years older than me), he had struggled with drastic mood swings, explosive anger, and depression. On the way home from an anime convention, he asked about my Bipolar Disorder and said that he felt he might also have it, but he wasn't sure of where to go for help. I gave him my counselor's card and told him to call him and make an appointment. He is doing a lot better now but also understands that he is different, but not lesser, than other people.
I'm not a perfect person. I'm not a Christian (I don't find it wrong, I just used to be one and decided it wasn't for me), and I don't acknowledge humans being any better than anything else. However, I believe that humans need each other. I used to recognize this as a weakness and flaw, but I understand now that fellowship and friendship make things much easier. This is why I came to accept that I could not fight my addiction and mental illness alone, which is why I got my family and friends on my page, resulting in an alliance that I could not find elsewhere.
There is nothing wrong with asking for help. I think we all need to do our own work, but sometimes, it really helps for family and friends to be able to hear us out and support us in what we do. The ways in which I ask my family and friends to help me are as follows:
-Ask about how I am doing when they think it is appropriate.
-Refuse to walk on eggshells but be careful to not be overly critical or short-tempered when I mess up.
-Be willing to talk with me when I am seeking an ear.
-Never keep me from getting the help I need, but voice concerns about my decisions honestly.
-Attend my therapy sessions whenever they want to (I don't hold them to it).
All of these, I believe, keep me doing my own work while giving me the sense that I am cared about. So many of us are quick to say "well, we shouldn't worry about others caring about us". However, for me, it is so much more difficult to recover and take care of myself with the attitude that no one else matters to me and vise versa.
One thing I learned is that it is quite OK to get angry and frustrated with my recovery, but I should not let it turn into resentment of people who aren't in recovery or scapegoat my circumstances for my defects. For example:
Acceptable: "I am really angry that I can't use, because I want to feel good, and I am frustrated with how difficult this process is."
Unacceptable: "I am really angry because I am doing something that not so many others need to- I shouldn't have to."
When I try to dismiss or shove aside my anger, I often relapse or get so worked up that I fall into other bad habits. However, when I accept that I am angry and do what I can to feel it in a healthy or even constructive manner, I am able to work through it and come to terms with the reality that I am human, and what isn't easy will probably make me angry a fair amount.
I think that if we all realize how human we are, despite our problems or lack of, living would be so much easier than it already is for a lot of us.
My message to families and friends of recovering addicts is to always be there for them, love and try to understand, but also be completely honest with them. We need you as much as you might feel you need us. However, we also wouldn't want you guys to worry about us to the levels you do if we truly understood how you guys feel. A lot of addicts probably don't understand.
Hope this helps some.
When I say "humbling", I mean self-humbling. This is not intended to guilt the non-addict loved ones of addicts at all.
Anyway, I was thinking to myself what love truly is in terms of being there for your family and friends as they are there for you. I came to the realization that, as a recovering addict, I had always loved my family but was convinced that what I was doing (using drugs) was a weakness that *no one* could fix. I felt doomed to always use because I was already caught up in a bad habit and felt that getting out of it would result in terrible consequences. Things that usually came to mind were suicide, depression (which I have always struggled with), loss of creativity, and loss of motivation.
On so many occasions I still get angry with feeling normal and having to do work that others don't need to do (those without addictions). However, always wind up considering that my mom and dad raised me for *years*. They loved me unconditionally, even though they made mistakes that I still struggle to forgive. Even in my darkest times, they never shunned me and always told me to love me for me. They had to do work as parents that people who are not parents don't need to do. At the same time, there are people with diabetes who need to take medications that others don't need to, and many people with disabilities wind up doing whatever they need to be happy and successful.
The moral of the story is that there is no single person who doesn't need to do a different kind of work. Someone on SR (I can't remember the username) compared addiction recovery to the work a person in a wheelchair might choose to do in order to live the most productive life possible. When I first read that, I was so tired and frustrated that I didn't appreciate it completely. The next morning, however, I re-read it and understood exactly what he was talking about.
The truth is, I am a sick individual. I'm a good person, but I have an illness that most individuals don't have. I am one of the unlucky ones who was born with a tendency to want to do unhealthy things to feel happy or normal. However, this does not mean that I don't deserve to be happy or to live like the most satisfied people. This is no different for any addict.
I love people. I just love them even though a lot of them irritate and confuse me so much. For this reason, I feel that as one of these humans that I love, I must love myself. I have for so long viewed myself as a different or lesser individual. However, I also realize that I am not alone. A lot of people have addictions and mental illnesses.
I was touched when my cousin came to me a few months ago with a concern. All his life (he is two years older than me), he had struggled with drastic mood swings, explosive anger, and depression. On the way home from an anime convention, he asked about my Bipolar Disorder and said that he felt he might also have it, but he wasn't sure of where to go for help. I gave him my counselor's card and told him to call him and make an appointment. He is doing a lot better now but also understands that he is different, but not lesser, than other people.
I'm not a perfect person. I'm not a Christian (I don't find it wrong, I just used to be one and decided it wasn't for me), and I don't acknowledge humans being any better than anything else. However, I believe that humans need each other. I used to recognize this as a weakness and flaw, but I understand now that fellowship and friendship make things much easier. This is why I came to accept that I could not fight my addiction and mental illness alone, which is why I got my family and friends on my page, resulting in an alliance that I could not find elsewhere.
There is nothing wrong with asking for help. I think we all need to do our own work, but sometimes, it really helps for family and friends to be able to hear us out and support us in what we do. The ways in which I ask my family and friends to help me are as follows:
-Ask about how I am doing when they think it is appropriate.
-Refuse to walk on eggshells but be careful to not be overly critical or short-tempered when I mess up.
-Be willing to talk with me when I am seeking an ear.
-Never keep me from getting the help I need, but voice concerns about my decisions honestly.
-Attend my therapy sessions whenever they want to (I don't hold them to it).
All of these, I believe, keep me doing my own work while giving me the sense that I am cared about. So many of us are quick to say "well, we shouldn't worry about others caring about us". However, for me, it is so much more difficult to recover and take care of myself with the attitude that no one else matters to me and vise versa.
One thing I learned is that it is quite OK to get angry and frustrated with my recovery, but I should not let it turn into resentment of people who aren't in recovery or scapegoat my circumstances for my defects. For example:
Acceptable: "I am really angry that I can't use, because I want to feel good, and I am frustrated with how difficult this process is."
Unacceptable: "I am really angry because I am doing something that not so many others need to- I shouldn't have to."
When I try to dismiss or shove aside my anger, I often relapse or get so worked up that I fall into other bad habits. However, when I accept that I am angry and do what I can to feel it in a healthy or even constructive manner, I am able to work through it and come to terms with the reality that I am human, and what isn't easy will probably make me angry a fair amount.
I think that if we all realize how human we are, despite our problems or lack of, living would be so much easier than it already is for a lot of us.
My message to families and friends of recovering addicts is to always be there for them, love and try to understand, but also be completely honest with them. We need you as much as you might feel you need us. However, we also wouldn't want you guys to worry about us to the levels you do if we truly understood how you guys feel. A lot of addicts probably don't understand.
Hope this helps some.
it is what it is
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Griffin GA
Posts: 454
teal - thank you for this post - i am the mother of AS and i always appreciate being able to "see" the situation from the addicts point of view - i especially try to not generalize too much toward addicts although realizing there are certain symptoms that must be acknowledged no matter what -addicts are still individuals and those who love them should continue to try to relate to that individual in as healthy as way as possible - please those that are reading - know that i understand there are times when any kind of healthy relationship is not possible -
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Thank you for this "from the heart" post, Teal. It sounds like you are doing well in your recovery and I am glad that you and your family can support each other.
Something that is hard for some addicts to understand is that we truly love our addicted children. If love could save them from addiction, not one of us would be here.
Sometimes we have to love them enough to "let go" and let them learn their own lessons and find their own path. Tough love is toughest on the parents, I hate that expression anyway. Loving a child enough to let go is the toughest thing I ever went through, but also the best thing for him and for me.
When our addicted loved ones are in recovery, or reaching out for help to get there...we are usually supportive and encouraging.
But when they are active in their addiction, many of us (I know this applies to me) can be drawn into a dark world with them that can drag us into the depths of hell. I almost died in that dark place, and it never helped my son for me to be there.
But let there be no misunderstanding, I loved my son as much on his worst day as I did on his finest day. The difference is where I could safely allow myself in his life.
So I found my own recovery, and hope that the light that I share will one day reach his heart and that he too will follow that light and seek recovery for himself.
Thank you for caring enough to share here.
May your days ahead be filled with light and love.
Hugs
My message to families and friends of recovering addicts is to always be there for them, love and try to understand, but also be completely honest with them. We need you as much as you might feel you need us.
Sometimes we have to love them enough to "let go" and let them learn their own lessons and find their own path. Tough love is toughest on the parents, I hate that expression anyway. Loving a child enough to let go is the toughest thing I ever went through, but also the best thing for him and for me.
When our addicted loved ones are in recovery, or reaching out for help to get there...we are usually supportive and encouraging.
But when they are active in their addiction, many of us (I know this applies to me) can be drawn into a dark world with them that can drag us into the depths of hell. I almost died in that dark place, and it never helped my son for me to be there.
But let there be no misunderstanding, I loved my son as much on his worst day as I did on his finest day. The difference is where I could safely allow myself in his life.
So I found my own recovery, and hope that the light that I share will one day reach his heart and that he too will follow that light and seek recovery for himself.
Thank you for caring enough to share here.
May your days ahead be filled with light and love.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 88
Teal,
I am glad you are doing well, I know it is not easy. I have two sons with addictions, they have had relapses. We still love them and are here to help when they need it. Probably the only thing worse than loving an addict is being one. It is a disease and the sooner people start to think of it like that the better. Too many people look at it like a choice. I feel it is a few bad decisions that start it but it does get out of your control. Why do some people experiment with drugs and are done when others get sucked in? No one wants to be an addict. Keep up the good work. Believe me I as a parent have my down days wondering why I have to go through this when so many others don't. I just wish others would try to understand instead of looking down on the addict and the families. Best of luck to you.
I am glad you are doing well, I know it is not easy. I have two sons with addictions, they have had relapses. We still love them and are here to help when they need it. Probably the only thing worse than loving an addict is being one. It is a disease and the sooner people start to think of it like that the better. Too many people look at it like a choice. I feel it is a few bad decisions that start it but it does get out of your control. Why do some people experiment with drugs and are done when others get sucked in? No one wants to be an addict. Keep up the good work. Believe me I as a parent have my down days wondering why I have to go through this when so many others don't. I just wish others would try to understand instead of looking down on the addict and the families. Best of luck to you.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Originally Posted by Ann 
But let there be no misunderstanding, I loved my son as much on his worst day as I did on his finest day. The difference is where I could safely allow myself in his life.
Teal, I would love to support my son in his recovery. But sadly, that opportunity hasn't come around for quite a long time. Its very difficult to not get pulled in when the addict is active in their addiction.
Thank you for sharing your view. I wish you the best
(((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
teal
Thank you for this beautiful post. You are truly a fortunate person to have the love and support of your family.
I too love my AS more than words can say.......but when he is actively using.....the addiction takes over his mind and body. He is truly a kind and loving man but drugs rob him of those wonderful characteristics. He will always have my support and love but I do not have the skills to help him through detox or recovery.
I can only hope that my son will love himself as you do, to seek recovery in an appropriate manner and not try to rely on me to make it all better....because I can't. But I think he still thinks I can.
Thank you again......your post gives me hope.
gentle hugs
Thank you for this beautiful post. You are truly a fortunate person to have the love and support of your family.
I too love my AS more than words can say.......but when he is actively using.....the addiction takes over his mind and body. He is truly a kind and loving man but drugs rob him of those wonderful characteristics. He will always have my support and love but I do not have the skills to help him through detox or recovery.
I can only hope that my son will love himself as you do, to seek recovery in an appropriate manner and not try to rely on me to make it all better....because I can't. But I think he still thinks I can.
Thank you again......your post gives me hope.
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Addiction has taught me so much and forced me to grow up. The alternative was giving up and that's not acceptable to me when I say I love someone.
Addiction forced me to look deep inside myself and ask what love really means. I ended up realizing I never quite made the jump from immature love to mature love, and I'm 46 years old. But I finally took the first full steps, and every day challenges me to walk the walk, instead of talk the talk. It's both a journey and destination for me: "When you have completed 95 percent of your journey, you are only halfway there."
Love is hard and I think it's supposed to be. Self love requires enough of an ego to nurture and simultaneously protect ourselves. Yet too much ego leads me towards doing unto others what I would not do unto myself. It's a delicate balancing act and sometimes I still need a safety net when my legs feel a little shaky.
I know you said you're not a Christian, but I think you'll appreciate this:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
I used to apply that towards others, how I'm supposed to love them. Somewhere in this recovery of mine, I turned the mirror around and applied it to myself. When I love myself as I should, everything else seems to fall into place. Not other people, ME. I love others now as I love myself, with a maturity and reverence I never thought possible. It's the greatest gift I can give to them and I know it will grow as I continue to do the same for myself.
Thank you Teal and may you continue to grow in love
Addiction forced me to look deep inside myself and ask what love really means. I ended up realizing I never quite made the jump from immature love to mature love, and I'm 46 years old. But I finally took the first full steps, and every day challenges me to walk the walk, instead of talk the talk. It's both a journey and destination for me: "When you have completed 95 percent of your journey, you are only halfway there."
Love is hard and I think it's supposed to be. Self love requires enough of an ego to nurture and simultaneously protect ourselves. Yet too much ego leads me towards doing unto others what I would not do unto myself. It's a delicate balancing act and sometimes I still need a safety net when my legs feel a little shaky.
I know you said you're not a Christian, but I think you'll appreciate this:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
I used to apply that towards others, how I'm supposed to love them. Somewhere in this recovery of mine, I turned the mirror around and applied it to myself. When I love myself as I should, everything else seems to fall into place. Not other people, ME. I love others now as I love myself, with a maturity and reverence I never thought possible. It's the greatest gift I can give to them and I know it will grow as I continue to do the same for myself.
Thank you Teal and may you continue to grow in love
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