Serenity Interrupted
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
No parent should have to lose their child to drugs
Drugs take our sons + daughters - destroy them, change them, rob them, humiliate them by hi-jacking their bodies, souls and minds. Drugs took my son's life and left me motherless.
I don't want one more mother to lose their child. How can drugs render us powerless?
Oh dear God, let Kindeye's son loose from the addiction that has taken him away.
I don't want one more mother to lose their child. How can drugs render us powerless?
Oh dear God, let Kindeye's son loose from the addiction that has taken him away.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
Hello Kindeyes:
In your original post you asked for encouragement only, and I am pleased to see that everyone respected that. I myself had a very upsetting event happen with my AS, and the thread got hijacked by some really negative stuff to the point where the thread was mercifully closed down.
I cannot add anything here, but I want to reiterate that I cannot see where you made any mistakes. But, boy, did he take you from 0 to 60 in 48 hours or what? First he comes and says (for the first time?) ALL the things you have wanted to hear from him for years - the remorse, the reassurance from him that you raised him right, the fact that he really does know right from wrong and has been choosing wrong, etc. Then within 48 hours he's got you back where you have always been with him - putting up some teeny tiny boundaries ("honey, I think you need some help detoxing at a hospital") and he gets mad and leaves in a huff !
Yes, like your thread title, your serenity was interrupted.
Kindeyes, your strength and maturity are shining through. It is a very common thing to go through the crisis calmly and then absolutely fall apart afterward. Don't use that as an indicator that you have somehow failed or are a failure.
Hope today is a better day for you and your husband and your son. And yes, I am praying for you all too today.
Sojourner
In your original post you asked for encouragement only, and I am pleased to see that everyone respected that. I myself had a very upsetting event happen with my AS, and the thread got hijacked by some really negative stuff to the point where the thread was mercifully closed down.
I cannot add anything here, but I want to reiterate that I cannot see where you made any mistakes. But, boy, did he take you from 0 to 60 in 48 hours or what? First he comes and says (for the first time?) ALL the things you have wanted to hear from him for years - the remorse, the reassurance from him that you raised him right, the fact that he really does know right from wrong and has been choosing wrong, etc. Then within 48 hours he's got you back where you have always been with him - putting up some teeny tiny boundaries ("honey, I think you need some help detoxing at a hospital") and he gets mad and leaves in a huff !
Yes, like your thread title, your serenity was interrupted.
Kindeyes, your strength and maturity are shining through. It is a very common thing to go through the crisis calmly and then absolutely fall apart afterward. Don't use that as an indicator that you have somehow failed or are a failure.
Hope today is a better day for you and your husband and your son. And yes, I am praying for you all too today.
Sojourner
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Well.....I did go to my Naranon meeting last night. It was a very small group and I cried. I was able to tell what happened. They were supportive. I'm glad I went. But I still felt.....lost and sad.
I came home and wrote a very loving email to my son. I don't know if he'll ever read it. He only has access to a computer when he goes to someone's (drug addict I'm sure) house. He doesn't live anywhere right now. He "couch surfs".
I've said about 100 prayers in the last 12 hours......maybe more. I don't know if this is my son's bottom but it sure as heck is MY bottom.
I did make mistakes yesterday and I want to admit them here. Reviewing those mistakes may help me avoid those mistakes in the future:
First mistake. When he called me at work, I had the CHOICE not to answer the phone. I shouldn't have answered it.
Second mistake: Since I made the first mistake of answering, I should have just listened and encouraged (a "you can do this" message). Instead I suggested what he should do (walk the dogs, eat something, go to the hospital to detox).
Third mistake: I left work and went home. I should have "let it go".
Perhaps if I had done things the right way, there would have been a different outcome. Perhaps if I had done things the right way, he would still be in bed working through withdrawal. But instead, he is either trying to detox in his car or on someone's couch or more likely, he has relieved his symptoms with drugs.
My mantra for today: God....please.....watch over my son.
Thank you all so much for your kind words of support. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have all of you here at SR.
I came home and wrote a very loving email to my son. I don't know if he'll ever read it. He only has access to a computer when he goes to someone's (drug addict I'm sure) house. He doesn't live anywhere right now. He "couch surfs".
I've said about 100 prayers in the last 12 hours......maybe more. I don't know if this is my son's bottom but it sure as heck is MY bottom.
I did make mistakes yesterday and I want to admit them here. Reviewing those mistakes may help me avoid those mistakes in the future:
First mistake. When he called me at work, I had the CHOICE not to answer the phone. I shouldn't have answered it.
Second mistake: Since I made the first mistake of answering, I should have just listened and encouraged (a "you can do this" message). Instead I suggested what he should do (walk the dogs, eat something, go to the hospital to detox).
Third mistake: I left work and went home. I should have "let it go".
Perhaps if I had done things the right way, there would have been a different outcome. Perhaps if I had done things the right way, he would still be in bed working through withdrawal. But instead, he is either trying to detox in his car or on someone's couch or more likely, he has relieved his symptoms with drugs.
My mantra for today: God....please.....watch over my son.
Thank you all so much for your kind words of support. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have all of you here at SR.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
Hi Kindeyes:
I see you are up and about this AM.
I know you are re-evaluating your actions, and that's a good thing. We all need do to that in our lives.
This whole addiction thing has got us reeling, doesn't it? Especially with the "if only" syndrome. Before my own recovery began, I was sure that "if only" I could find the right words to say to my son, he would see the light and change. Now after my recovery has begun, I find myself thinking "if only" I had insisted he go to rehab after he got out of jail (instead of coming home here) then he would have chosen the clean-and-sober life.
Kindeyes, your recovery is shining. May I suggest that your "if only" thoughts relate to how your serenity could have been preserved instead of how they could have moved your son into recovery. Have you ever noticed that addicts find recovery even in the most dire of enabling circumstances? That just blows my mind - like, if that is the case, then why is my son (whose family does not enable) still persisting in his drug/alcohol use?
so what i'm trying to say here is that, using your example, the purpose in your not coming home from work was only to preserve your sanity only. Gosh, I do believe very strongly that we have influence over our adult children (addicts or not), but it sure is tricky to know where our influence begins and ends.
Hope that helps. If it makes you feel worse, just ignore this.
I see you are up and about this AM.
I know you are re-evaluating your actions, and that's a good thing. We all need do to that in our lives.
This whole addiction thing has got us reeling, doesn't it? Especially with the "if only" syndrome. Before my own recovery began, I was sure that "if only" I could find the right words to say to my son, he would see the light and change. Now after my recovery has begun, I find myself thinking "if only" I had insisted he go to rehab after he got out of jail (instead of coming home here) then he would have chosen the clean-and-sober life.
Kindeyes, your recovery is shining. May I suggest that your "if only" thoughts relate to how your serenity could have been preserved instead of how they could have moved your son into recovery. Have you ever noticed that addicts find recovery even in the most dire of enabling circumstances? That just blows my mind - like, if that is the case, then why is my son (whose family does not enable) still persisting in his drug/alcohol use?
so what i'm trying to say here is that, using your example, the purpose in your not coming home from work was only to preserve your sanity only. Gosh, I do believe very strongly that we have influence over our adult children (addicts or not), but it sure is tricky to know where our influence begins and ends.
Hope that helps. If it makes you feel worse, just ignore this.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: ontario, canada
Posts: 540
Kindeyes you did nothing wrong, don't be so hard on yourself. As a parent of an addict I feel your pain. I am so sorry you are going through this. You didnt send your son back out there, his addiction did. It sounds to me that you have set yourself some very good boundaries. We have all been where you are. Praying for you and your family.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Southwestern, Pennsylvania
Posts: 210
Your post broke my heart...been there and I wish I had something wise to say
I think suggesting he go to the hospital or a meeting was a pretty reasonable response. You did your best...he knows you are willing to help him and there is not much else we can do. Did he have a plan for getting clean and recovery when he came to you? I don't know much about meth withdrawal, but I do know opiate withdrawal is pretty brutal. I'm sure withdrawing from any drug is hard...it's easy for them to bail on the hard stuff when they know the drug is out there for them. You didn't send him out there...his addiction did. Take comfort in the fact that he made that first step in asking for help, and I pray that he takes the second step very soon and is soon ready again...
I think suggesting he go to the hospital or a meeting was a pretty reasonable response. You did your best...he knows you are willing to help him and there is not much else we can do. Did he have a plan for getting clean and recovery when he came to you? I don't know much about meth withdrawal, but I do know opiate withdrawal is pretty brutal. I'm sure withdrawing from any drug is hard...it's easy for them to bail on the hard stuff when they know the drug is out there for them. You didn't send him out there...his addiction did. Take comfort in the fact that he made that first step in asking for help, and I pray that he takes the second step very soon and is soon ready again...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
When my daughter confided about the world she moved in and wanting to die and asking me for help, it awakened the sleeping giant, aka the Codependency Beast, within me. It was in that moment I became Warrior Mom, willing to do anything to beat her addiction.
My obsession with trying to control her and her addiction came darn close to bankrupting me emotionally, financially and physically. The more I tried to control her, the more out of control I became.
When each plan/attempt to rescue did not have the desired outcome, I blamed myself and oh those dark night games of " what if and if only" can indeed bring us to the brink of insanity.
Accepting that I was truly powerless over my daughter and her choices was and remains the most humbling experience of my life. Once I crossed that threshold I was relieved of the emotional burden of feeling responsible for my daughter's outcome. You see, all it was, all along, was just an emotion, my emotion. Reclaiming responsibility for my own emotions redirected my time and energy towards the only person I ever had control over....me.
Just wanted you know that when you are ready to walk across that threshold and let go of the self blame and fantasy that you control your son and his choices, I promise you, it does get better.
You did not cause this. You cannot control this. You cannot cure this.
Accepting this is humbling and survivable.
My obsession with trying to control her and her addiction came darn close to bankrupting me emotionally, financially and physically. The more I tried to control her, the more out of control I became.
When each plan/attempt to rescue did not have the desired outcome, I blamed myself and oh those dark night games of " what if and if only" can indeed bring us to the brink of insanity.
Accepting that I was truly powerless over my daughter and her choices was and remains the most humbling experience of my life. Once I crossed that threshold I was relieved of the emotional burden of feeling responsible for my daughter's outcome. You see, all it was, all along, was just an emotion, my emotion. Reclaiming responsibility for my own emotions redirected my time and energy towards the only person I ever had control over....me.
Just wanted you know that when you are ready to walk across that threshold and let go of the self blame and fantasy that you control your son and his choices, I promise you, it does get better.
You did not cause this. You cannot control this. You cannot cure this.
Accepting this is humbling and survivable.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
I really agree with Hurtbad. I see nothing wrong with pointing someone in the right direction when they are too sick to figure it out for themselves, especially when it sounds like he was at least trying to clean up. HE called YOU, and you gave him advice. Just not the advice he wanted to hear.
And Outtolunch is so right... you could not have caused him to leave. He did that on his own. If it had not been that moment, it would have happened sooner or later, because he wasn't ready. Unfortunately, he may do this kind of thing several more times before deciding to go through with it. And it won't be your fault if he doesn't succeed then either.
Would it have helped to protect your serenity to not answer the phone? If you're anything like me, probably not, because then I would just find myself wondering what he was calling about. I'm not even so sure going home to check on him was wrong, honestly. He was sick, and he was trying to feel better, and he called out to you for help. Would you have rushed to his side if he needed to get to the hospital and he wasn't an addict? I'm sure my mom would, and I know my husband's mom would. And dh and I are both 27. Like Hurtbad pointed out, withdrawal can be pretty brutal. Some who detox in jail do end up needing medical attention because their symptoms get so bad the jail doesn't want to be liable if something goes wrong.
So, IMHO, what it boils down to is you came home and offered him help that may have kept his efforts to stay sober going. He refused that help. Completely his fault.
Sorry if that was too much; I just really hate seeing you blame yourself for something that Superman and Wonderwoman together would not be able to fix. Big hugs coming your way.
And Outtolunch is so right... you could not have caused him to leave. He did that on his own. If it had not been that moment, it would have happened sooner or later, because he wasn't ready. Unfortunately, he may do this kind of thing several more times before deciding to go through with it. And it won't be your fault if he doesn't succeed then either.
Would it have helped to protect your serenity to not answer the phone? If you're anything like me, probably not, because then I would just find myself wondering what he was calling about. I'm not even so sure going home to check on him was wrong, honestly. He was sick, and he was trying to feel better, and he called out to you for help. Would you have rushed to his side if he needed to get to the hospital and he wasn't an addict? I'm sure my mom would, and I know my husband's mom would. And dh and I are both 27. Like Hurtbad pointed out, withdrawal can be pretty brutal. Some who detox in jail do end up needing medical attention because their symptoms get so bad the jail doesn't want to be liable if something goes wrong.
So, IMHO, what it boils down to is you came home and offered him help that may have kept his efforts to stay sober going. He refused that help. Completely his fault.
Sorry if that was too much; I just really hate seeing you blame yourself for something that Superman and Wonderwoman together would not be able to fix. Big hugs coming your way.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I am under no delusions that I can control my son or his addiction. At my Naranon meeting last night someone talked about that fine line between supporting and helping (or enabling). The line isn't as perfectly clear to me as it may be to some of you and I may never have that clarity....who knows. We each have to do what WE can live with and right, wrong or otherwise....that may not be exactly the same for each of us.
Yesterday....I got out of God's way and let my son leave.
Yesterday, there was a part of me that was glad he was leaving if he was going to be so miserable.....while at the same time my heart was breaking. I knew that he was in the worst part of withdrawing and I was (and still am) fearful for him. I think any normal human being would cringe at the sight of watching someone stand on a railroad track with a train blazing toward them at 120 mph. I don't know that I'll ever get to the point that I can watch that unphased without wanting to scream LOOK OUT FOR THAT FREAKING TRAIN!
I let him leave. I didn't beg or plead. When he said "I'm getting out of here and I'm going back there to use." I just said "ok" and walked out. I knew that I couldn't control him or his cravings or his pain or his addiction. But it still hurts. And it will always hurt......as you said outtolunch......it's just a matter of controlling the mental anguish. And sometimes I do it quite perfectly.....and other times I fail quite miserably. Yesterday and today......not doing it so well but I'm working on it......and it's getting better.
I am hopeful that my son will find peace. He is a tortured man. I can see it in his eyes. His eyes are not dull and lifeless......they express such torment. He DOES feel. How can one not feel compassion watching a person with such charisma, charm and good looks reel so far out of control.
Again I pray.....dear God......watch over my son.
Yesterday....I got out of God's way and let my son leave.
Yesterday, there was a part of me that was glad he was leaving if he was going to be so miserable.....while at the same time my heart was breaking. I knew that he was in the worst part of withdrawing and I was (and still am) fearful for him. I think any normal human being would cringe at the sight of watching someone stand on a railroad track with a train blazing toward them at 120 mph. I don't know that I'll ever get to the point that I can watch that unphased without wanting to scream LOOK OUT FOR THAT FREAKING TRAIN!
I let him leave. I didn't beg or plead. When he said "I'm getting out of here and I'm going back there to use." I just said "ok" and walked out. I knew that I couldn't control him or his cravings or his pain or his addiction. But it still hurts. And it will always hurt......as you said outtolunch......it's just a matter of controlling the mental anguish. And sometimes I do it quite perfectly.....and other times I fail quite miserably. Yesterday and today......not doing it so well but I'm working on it......and it's getting better.
I am hopeful that my son will find peace. He is a tortured man. I can see it in his eyes. His eyes are not dull and lifeless......they express such torment. He DOES feel. How can one not feel compassion watching a person with such charisma, charm and good looks reel so far out of control.
Again I pray.....dear God......watch over my son.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by Kindeyes 
I think any normal human being would cringe at the sight of watching someone stand on a railroad track with a train blazing toward them at 120 mph. I don't know that I'll ever get to the point that I can watch that unphased without wanting to scream LOOK OUT FOR THAT FREAKING TRAIN!
I eventually sought theraputic help, in the form of EMDR therapy, which I continue to think of as kooky stuff, despite that it has been deemed quite effective, especially with stress related to trauma and outcomes beyond our control.
The use of train alalogies in common in EMDR which helped me to connect.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by Kindeyes
Perhaps if I had done things the right way, there would have been a different outcome.
Kindeyes, I'm the kind of person who will always at least scream at someone on the tracks. Honestly, I'll at least try to get to them before the train does, but I won't risk letting it run me over unless the person is completely helpless or defenseless, and the odds are in my favor by at least a split second.
You're a mom and please don't beat yourself up for being a mom, forget the addiction. coffeedrinker is right, it hurts like hell because you love him.
Last year a friend asked me if things were getting better for me (not about addiction), and I said not really but I was. He said "I guess it's true, life doesn't get easier. We learn instead how to deal with it." How coincidental he's been in AA and sober for years.
Prayers on the way for your son, and especially for your restored serenity.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Aw Kindeyes, I hear the pain in your post. I hope you can feel the love and support here, as we wrap you in a blanket of love and understanding. You and your son and all who love you guys.
God watch over your son. He has some important life lessons to learn, it seems. I hope he learns them quickly and thoroughly so he can live an abundant life.
And a special thanks to the members here who have responded with love, respect, and their own E.S.H. I'm proud of you.
God watch over your son. He has some important life lessons to learn, it seems. I hope he learns them quickly and thoroughly so he can live an abundant life.
And a special thanks to the members here who have responded with love, respect, and their own E.S.H. I'm proud of you.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Your post brought back very similar scenes in my own life...the withdrawal at home; me leaving work to provide some support...Feeling such pain watching her pain...Being so upset when she went back out....Just couldn't watch that train wreck. How many times I did that, I'm not sure. I critiqued my actions and tried to figure out what to do next time, more times than I can recall - that obsession made me so sick. I know now, though that I had to do that; I couldn't get where I needed to be in my journey without doing what I felt I had to do. Naranon and SR helped so much during those times.
Sometimes reading posts like yours, I feel like I am right back there...that heart pain is so intense. I could never do that front row seat with addiction...my serenity went out the door when addiction was in my face.
I admire your strength and compassion, Kind Eyes. I don't believe that what we do as parents can save our addicted children...I so wish it could, because then none of us would be here, and our kids would be clean and sober. But our love is always there for them to remember in those moments of clarity, and I find that asking my HP to hold our children in his loving arms makes me hopeful.
Praying for your son and you and your husband too, that you all find peace and he finds his recovery path too.
Sometimes reading posts like yours, I feel like I am right back there...that heart pain is so intense. I could never do that front row seat with addiction...my serenity went out the door when addiction was in my face.
I admire your strength and compassion, Kind Eyes. I don't believe that what we do as parents can save our addicted children...I so wish it could, because then none of us would be here, and our kids would be clean and sober. But our love is always there for them to remember in those moments of clarity, and I find that asking my HP to hold our children in his loving arms makes me hopeful.
Praying for your son and you and your husband too, that you all find peace and he finds his recovery path too.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Southwestern, Pennsylvania
Posts: 210
Originally Posted by Kindeyes
I think any normal human being would cringe at the sight of watching someone stand on a railroad track with a train blazing toward them at 120 mph. I don't know that I'll ever get to the point that I can watch that unphased without wanting to scream LOOK OUT FOR THAT FREAKING TRAIN!
I pray that God watches over all of our addicts and that they will let Him show them the way to sobriety...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Originally Posted by CatsPajamas
Aw Kindeyes, I hear the pain in your post. I hope you can feel the love and support here, as we wrap you in a blanket of love and understanding. You and your son and all who love you guys.
God watch over your son. He has some important life lessons to learn, it seems. I hope he learns them quickly and thoroughly so he can live an abundant life.
And a special thanks to the members here who have responded with love, respect, and their own E.S.H. I'm proud of you.
God watch over your son. He has some important life lessons to learn, it seems. I hope he learns them quickly and thoroughly so he can live an abundant life.
And a special thanks to the members here who have responded with love, respect, and their own E.S.H. I'm proud of you.
Oh yes.....I do feel wrapped in that blanket and I am so very grateful for each and every one of the people who have taken the time to make sure I felt their compassion by posting. My deepest thanks to each of you.
gentle hugs to each of you--wish I could give them out in person
Edited to say:
Please God watch over all of our addicts.....each one is a special human being who is loved by a mother, a father, a brother, a sister, a wife, a husband, a girlfriend, a boyfriend and an extended group of people who only wish that they could be whole again without the interference of drugs in their lives. Please hold them in your loving grace and deliver them from harm. Amen
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
Kindeyes, put down the stick and stop beating yourself up. You did just fine! You did the best you could with who you were when this happened, as all of us do. And your ability to detach with love will progress only with time and practice. It seems to me you are too hard on yourself and take too much as being your fault. Your AS can only blame himself for going back out there.
The only thing that I want to point out is that he is surely manipulating you when he says the only place he can be "honest" (he was NOT being honest with you about heroin only two times, almost for sure) is at home because he says that kind of honest sharing is discouraged at NA as "glorifying" drug use. When he said this, he was using a ploy that is very common among using addicts: trying to get you to feel you are the only one who can save him, so obligating your assistance. Trust me, as a recovering addict I can tell you, only I have the power to save me. And I can tell you that NA is the best place to share honestly, especially with a loving sponsor that we can only get at NA. A parent cannot sponsor their child. An addict is certainly not going to be able to reveal all the stuff they need to get out with mom or dad (nor should they). So don't let him pull that one on you. If he says he can only share this stuff at home, he needs to develop a better network. But chances are, the reason he's only sharing at home is that us other addicts will see right through his BS and he knows it.
Love and take care of yourself at this difficult and stressful time. I think you're really learning and growing in your own recovery. Did you ever get your own recovery sponsor at Alanon/Naranon? Might be a good time to find a special woman to sponsor you, someone to help you get some perspective on this stuff and keep you from beating up on yourself so badly.
Love,
KJ
The only thing that I want to point out is that he is surely manipulating you when he says the only place he can be "honest" (he was NOT being honest with you about heroin only two times, almost for sure) is at home because he says that kind of honest sharing is discouraged at NA as "glorifying" drug use. When he said this, he was using a ploy that is very common among using addicts: trying to get you to feel you are the only one who can save him, so obligating your assistance. Trust me, as a recovering addict I can tell you, only I have the power to save me. And I can tell you that NA is the best place to share honestly, especially with a loving sponsor that we can only get at NA. A parent cannot sponsor their child. An addict is certainly not going to be able to reveal all the stuff they need to get out with mom or dad (nor should they). So don't let him pull that one on you. If he says he can only share this stuff at home, he needs to develop a better network. But chances are, the reason he's only sharing at home is that us other addicts will see right through his BS and he knows it.
Love and take care of yourself at this difficult and stressful time. I think you're really learning and growing in your own recovery. Did you ever get your own recovery sponsor at Alanon/Naranon? Might be a good time to find a special woman to sponsor you, someone to help you get some perspective on this stuff and keep you from beating up on yourself so badly.
Love,
KJ
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Watching the sunrise
Posts: 104
(((Kindeyes)))
This is simply why I love SR.... I logged on this morning as my world has been turned upside down by my AS in the last week also. I needed some support, and here is your post!
My 33 yo AS is now homeless. He had been living on the sofa of another addict, and they have been evicted. He called and begged me to let him come "home" for just a few days as he had nowhere to go. I wish I could say how strong I was, but the truth is I would have probably said, "OK," but my husband absolutely refused.
In the past few days, I have been reevaluating my actions and feelings.. and my own program of recovery.
Thank you so much for having the courage to post. You, and all the incredible people here at SR, have given me strength.
This is simply why I love SR.... I logged on this morning as my world has been turned upside down by my AS in the last week also. I needed some support, and here is your post!
My 33 yo AS is now homeless. He had been living on the sofa of another addict, and they have been evicted. He called and begged me to let him come "home" for just a few days as he had nowhere to go. I wish I could say how strong I was, but the truth is I would have probably said, "OK," but my husband absolutely refused.
In the past few days, I have been reevaluating my actions and feelings.. and my own program of recovery.
Thank you so much for having the courage to post. You, and all the incredible people here at SR, have given me strength.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Originally Posted by kj3880
The only thing that I want to point out is that he is surely manipulating you when he says the only place he can be "honest" (he was NOT being honest with you about heroin only two times, almost for sure) is at home because he says that kind of honest sharing is discouraged at NA as "glorifying" drug use. When he said this, he was using a ploy that is very common among using addicts: trying to get you to feel you are the only one who can save him, so obligating your assistance. Trust me, as a recovering addict I can tell you, only I have the power to save me. And I can tell you that NA is the best place to share honestly, especially with a loving sponsor that we can only get at NA. A parent cannot sponsor their child. An addict is certainly not going to be able to reveal all the stuff they need to get out with mom or dad (nor should they). So don't let him pull that one on you. If he says he can only share this stuff at home, he needs to develop a better network. But chances are, the reason he's only sharing at home is that us other addicts will see right through his BS and he knows it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Hunny
I don't know how I'd get through this without SR, NA and my dear dear husband. They are all a blessing.
It sounds like our sons are in a similar pickle. But it's their pickle. They have to figure it out....
gentle hugs to you today
I don't know how I'd get through this without SR, NA and my dear dear husband. They are all a blessing.
It sounds like our sons are in a similar pickle. But it's their pickle. They have to figure it out....
gentle hugs to you today
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,064
If he's ready to get sober he will find a way. If you and hubby weren't in the picture and he wanted to get sober he would find a way to get into a detox or find a way to get to meetings or be looking under every stick and nook to find help. He's trained to be dependent on his parents and it's his first option not his last. When he's ready nothing or nobody will stand in his way.
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