Thanks to surgery meds.....:(
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Thanks to surgery meds.....:(
My son is being such a bear again. He had surgery on his sinus a week ago, which was needed for the last 20 years or so. But, he had a script of vicodin, for the pain. He did not need much of it, tho. I had to go hands off, and not try to control what he did with them. I could sense that he was saving them, and of course, I was right. He used about 10 of them up quickly over a two or three day time. He does not work, and spends his time online with friends. or whatever he does there.
Now that he has no more, he is back to being his hateful negative self. his usual excuses for not having success- stress, no jobs , etc, etc, etc.
I told myself that i was going to make sure he got that surgery, and he did. we had to get financial determination of charity for him to get it. now they sent a bill, and I am going hands off, for he can take care of this red tape. all he has to do, is what i did for him, make calls, straighten this out. I will not do it. i did enough. if he wants to owe a bill , that he does not need to, due to his hatred of going through being "inconvienienced, " so be it.
I also told myself that when he got the surgery, I was going to be satisfied that i have done what i can to be really helpful. I need to find a way to get his rear out of here. he will waste his life and mine, if i allow him to sit back and do nothing to change his life.
I was thinking , if i had a parent that took care of me, and tried to help me inso many ways, how much would i be able to muster up the courage needed to better my situation? would i be tempted to avoid the discomfort of job searches, and of walking to a job? maybe. if i was depressed, and dysfunctional. (i have been there too)
I am not asking for advice. i know what i should do. but I am asking for prayers, for the wisdom and strength to do what i need to do. it is so hard. His behavior is making me ill- mentally. I feel like i have a huge thing on my back, with its talons sunken in. He needs help that I cannot give him. it is hard to know where to start. I cant make him want to live a better life, unless i allow him to reap what he is sowing. he is becoming so bitter, and it hurts- i love my son.
Thanks for listening.
chicory
Now that he has no more, he is back to being his hateful negative self. his usual excuses for not having success- stress, no jobs , etc, etc, etc.
I told myself that i was going to make sure he got that surgery, and he did. we had to get financial determination of charity for him to get it. now they sent a bill, and I am going hands off, for he can take care of this red tape. all he has to do, is what i did for him, make calls, straighten this out. I will not do it. i did enough. if he wants to owe a bill , that he does not need to, due to his hatred of going through being "inconvienienced, " so be it.
I also told myself that when he got the surgery, I was going to be satisfied that i have done what i can to be really helpful. I need to find a way to get his rear out of here. he will waste his life and mine, if i allow him to sit back and do nothing to change his life.
I was thinking , if i had a parent that took care of me, and tried to help me inso many ways, how much would i be able to muster up the courage needed to better my situation? would i be tempted to avoid the discomfort of job searches, and of walking to a job? maybe. if i was depressed, and dysfunctional. (i have been there too)
I am not asking for advice. i know what i should do. but I am asking for prayers, for the wisdom and strength to do what i need to do. it is so hard. His behavior is making me ill- mentally. I feel like i have a huge thing on my back, with its talons sunken in. He needs help that I cannot give him. it is hard to know where to start. I cant make him want to live a better life, unless i allow him to reap what he is sowing. he is becoming so bitter, and it hurts- i love my son.
Thanks for listening.
chicory
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
I'm sorry (((Chicory)))
Soon after arriving at this site, I think I needed permission to do what I knew needed done. I know that sounds strange, but just hearing that others understood why a mom would be forced to crack down on an adult child in need helped me tremendously.
You have my prayers that your decisions give you peace, and that his decisions lead him to a better path.
(((Hugs)))
Soon after arriving at this site, I think I needed permission to do what I knew needed done. I know that sounds strange, but just hearing that others understood why a mom would be forced to crack down on an adult child in need helped me tremendously.
You have my prayers that your decisions give you peace, and that his decisions lead him to a better path.
(((Hugs)))
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,904
((((HUGS)))) I know how hard it is. When I made my daughter leave, I was crying and she was crying and it was just so hard to be strong, but I knew I had to in order for her to face the consequences of her bad decisions. In the end, it all worked out very well, but it took time and it took her having to live somewhere that she hated with people that she hated, and it took Mom standing her ground and not allowing herself to be maniputlated any longer.
I will most certainly pray that you have the strength to do what you know you need to do. Yes, it will be hard and it will hurt, but your mental health and well-being is just as important as his.
I will most certainly pray that you have the strength to do what you know you need to do. Yes, it will be hard and it will hurt, but your mental health and well-being is just as important as his.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
thank you ladies-
Maybe I do need a bit of advice here-
I guess it is painful to do the right things? Let go- that is painful. it is not like things are going to be less painful, just cause i am making the right decisions? I think that i enable sometimes, to save myself the pain of dealing with the discomfort that comes with letting go.
i dont mean to be selfish- I also help him, to help him to be less worried.
i guess the right choices , made long ago, at the right time, would have been far less painful
hugs and thanks
chicory
Maybe I do need a bit of advice here-
I guess it is painful to do the right things? Let go- that is painful. it is not like things are going to be less painful, just cause i am making the right decisions? I think that i enable sometimes, to save myself the pain of dealing with the discomfort that comes with letting go.
i dont mean to be selfish- I also help him, to help him to be less worried.
i guess the right choices , made long ago, at the right time, would have been far less painful
hugs and thanks
chicory
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Originally Posted by chicory 
thank you ladies-
Maybe I do need a bit of advice here-
I guess it is painful to do the right things? Let go- that is painful. it is not like things are going to be less painful, just cause i am making the right decisions? I think that i enable sometimes, to save myself the pain of dealing with the discomfort that comes with letting go.
i dont mean to be selfish- I also help him, to help him to be less worried.
i guess the right choices , made long ago, at the right time, would have been far less painful
hugs and thanks
chicory
Maybe I do need a bit of advice here-
I guess it is painful to do the right things? Let go- that is painful. it is not like things are going to be less painful, just cause i am making the right decisions? I think that i enable sometimes, to save myself the pain of dealing with the discomfort that comes with letting go.
i dont mean to be selfish- I also help him, to help him to be less worried.
i guess the right choices , made long ago, at the right time, would have been far less painful
hugs and thanks
chicory
I've found that since I've gone limited contact with my AS, that I have my days of feeling down, but they are usually of my making.
And for the record, most of the time I "gave in" and enabled my AS was to save myself further stress and aggravation, not necessarily to help "him". I know that is selfish of me, but its what I felt I had to do at the time.
I finally broke the habit when I was broke and broken, and simply could not keep it up.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: England
Posts: 137
Chicory,
First of all what a wonderful mom you have been to your son, ok we all make mistakes and I read from an early post that you had felt you had made some, but at the end of the day, you have stood by your son through thick and thin, put a roof over his head, and provided a safe place for him.
I wonder what he would do if you "downed tools" and took to sitting on a pc all day or watching TV, no shopping done, no dinner cooked, well there couldnt be cos there would be no food in, no washing or ironing or house cleaning. I expect he would be extremely angry and maybe that would make him realise how you feel right now.
Its very difficult as he is a nearly middle aged himself and will fight against "you telling him what to do" but he should realise if he is an adult and entitled to do as he pleases he should fund his own way in life.
It a very difficult situation and a mother's love is always there, I dont think anything can hurt us as much as when things go wrong for our own children.
I am praying for you hun that you will be able to make the right decisions, and better to make them now as looking into the future you will not always be around to supply everything for him, he needs to look after himself and be in a postion to look after you as well should the need arise.
Suzie x
First of all what a wonderful mom you have been to your son, ok we all make mistakes and I read from an early post that you had felt you had made some, but at the end of the day, you have stood by your son through thick and thin, put a roof over his head, and provided a safe place for him.
I wonder what he would do if you "downed tools" and took to sitting on a pc all day or watching TV, no shopping done, no dinner cooked, well there couldnt be cos there would be no food in, no washing or ironing or house cleaning. I expect he would be extremely angry and maybe that would make him realise how you feel right now.
Its very difficult as he is a nearly middle aged himself and will fight against "you telling him what to do" but he should realise if he is an adult and entitled to do as he pleases he should fund his own way in life.
It a very difficult situation and a mother's love is always there, I dont think anything can hurt us as much as when things go wrong for our own children.
I am praying for you hun that you will be able to make the right decisions, and better to make them now as looking into the future you will not always be around to supply everything for him, he needs to look after himself and be in a postion to look after you as well should the need arise.
Suzie x
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
(((((Chicory)))))
I am so sorry you are going through this. I can share with you what happened to me and the outcome:
At the time I 'resented' the chit out of my folks, mom in particular, but ...................... I can only repeat over and over, it was the BEST thing my parents ever did for me.
I found ME. I found an incredible life that is still going on. I have over 29 years sober and clean and over 26 years in Al-Anon learning how to set my own personal boundaries and deal with everyone in my life.
I know you will eventually do what is best for you. In the meantime, please know that although we are not physically with you, we are walking with you in spirit. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!!
Love and hugs,
I am so sorry you are going through this. I can share with you what happened to me and the outcome:
In January of ’79 (when I was 33 ½ years old) my family told me NO MORE. They would no longer help me in any way. If I called they would hang up, if I came to the door it would be closed in my face and if I tried to steal from them they would call the police. It was MY PROBLEM and I had to deal with it, they could not.
Later after being in recovery for several years, my mother finally shared with me that had they not shut the door on me, they felt they were all going to end up, locked up in a padded cell in an institution.
Well with that pronouncement, my attitude was F you. I did a geographic and moved back to California. It took me another 2 and ½ years to find recovery and the last year and a half I lived on the streets of Hollyweird.
I can tell you today that the BEST THING MY FAMILY ever did for me was to SHUT THE DOOR ON ME as they did.
Later after being in recovery for several years, my mother finally shared with me that had they not shut the door on me, they felt they were all going to end up, locked up in a padded cell in an institution.
Well with that pronouncement, my attitude was F you. I did a geographic and moved back to California. It took me another 2 and ½ years to find recovery and the last year and a half I lived on the streets of Hollyweird.
I can tell you today that the BEST THING MY FAMILY ever did for me was to SHUT THE DOOR ON ME as they did.
I found ME. I found an incredible life that is still going on. I have over 29 years sober and clean and over 26 years in Al-Anon learning how to set my own personal boundaries and deal with everyone in my life.
I know you will eventually do what is best for you. In the meantime, please know that although we are not physically with you, we are walking with you in spirit. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!!
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Thank you, thank you ,CeeCee, Suki, Suzie, and Laurie,
You have brought me to tears, with your help, your personal trials, and your encouragement. thank you for your very presence in my life.
I feel a bit like someone is holding me up, under my arms, to help me walk through this day, this trial.
hugs to all. I am off to work, and thanks for making it a better day. I look forward to my son recovering.
Laurie, thanks so much , for sharing. this gives me hope beyond measure, for him.
big hugs to you girls(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
chicory
You have brought me to tears, with your help, your personal trials, and your encouragement. thank you for your very presence in my life.
I feel a bit like someone is holding me up, under my arms, to help me walk through this day, this trial.
hugs to all. I am off to work, and thanks for making it a better day. I look forward to my son recovering.
Laurie, thanks so much , for sharing. this gives me hope beyond measure, for him.
big hugs to you girls(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
chicory
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
I haved been in the position of asking the addict to leave..she is 18, and it was very hard. It is still hard, but not as hard as loving her to death and taking a front row seat to her self destruction. We deserve sanity. I know in the past you have expressed concern about your sons mental state..I would venture to say that most addicts are depressed either before or because of their use. You have done your job..letting go is hard, but watching someone you love waste away on your dime is even harder..wishing you peace.....
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
