Ann

Letting Go of Shame

Shame is that dark, powerful feeling that holds us back. Yes, shame can stop us from acting inappropriately. But many of us have learned to attach shame to healthy behaviors that are in our best interest.

In dysfunctional families, shame can be tagged to healthy behaviors such as talking about feelings, making choices, taking care of ourselves, having fun, being successful, or even feeling good about ourselves.

Shame may have been attached to asking for what we want and need, to communicating directly and honestly, and to giving and receiving love.

Sometimes shame disguises itself as fear, rage, indifference, or a need to run and hide, wrote Stephanie E. But if it feels dark and makes us feel bad about being who we are, it's probably shame.

In recovery, we are learning to identify shame. When we can recognize it, we can begin to let go of it. We can love and accept ourselves - starting now.

We have a right to be, to be here, and to be who we are. And we don't ever have to let shame tell us any differently.

Today, I will attack and conquer the shame in my life.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

Ann

I remember clearly the days before recovery when I would isolate, stop connecting with family and old friends, and just hide from the world because I thought there was something terrible wrong with me and I wasn't ready to talk about it with anyone. I lived in my son's disease and my codependency and the chaos it brought to our home. It was a nasty place to live, but a place where nobody judged "me".

What a relief it was when I began going to meetings and met many others "just like me" who understood and did not judge me. They had overcome their shame and promised me that I could too. They were right.

Today I hold my head high. I am selective about discussing my son or my recovery, choosing only those who have some clue of what I am talking about. But I share freely with recovery friends and no longer feel ashamed.

Today I am grateful and proud to be just "me". In recovery I learned to love that stranger called "me", warts and all.

There is no room for shame or blame in my life today. My life just "is" and my past has brought me to where I am today, in a beautiful place where I wake up each morning glad to be alive.

Hugs

MsPINKAcres

I love the fact that it doesn't matter if others don't "Get me"; don't understand the "PINK" references, or any other thing about me ~

My God is directing my path and as long as I follow it, heck even if I don't "SHAME" never helped me grow, mature, learn, or blossom ~ so I'm not going to allow shame to rule me again.

I'm doing the best I can with what I have today, prayerfully tomorrow I will continue to acquire more tools and keep growing and getting better ~ so hopefully I'll keep doing better.

Thanks for this post Ann!!!!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

Kindeyes

Thanks Ann!

Shame is a powerful thing. It holds us back. It clams us up. Shame is another one of those things that has a purpose (just like guilt) but if it isn't serving the purpose for which it was intended (to keep us from DOING something that would cause us shame), it's a waste of time and energy. Let it go.

I have to remind myself daily that the past is done. I can't change it.

The future.....now that's something else altogether.

gentle hugs to you!

Ann

Funny thing, I posted this early today and during the day a situation came up where I chose not to discuss my own experience with addiction. It wasn't shame that held me back, it was that the people discussing it were "earthling", people with no clue about addiction, codependency or recovery, and I pray they never find out first hand.

I have learned to share with safe people, like all of you here. And there is nothing I would not share here.

It's good to be able to make a choice today whether to share or not, and to know that choice is made out of good reason and not shame at all.

And it made me grateful to have a safe place like SR, where I can share anything and know that my friends here understand.

Love you all.

Hugs

cherrie1

Ann,
It is so funny I chose to log on today because I am having such a bad "case of shame" about my son's addiction. I can so identify with not leaving the house and funny thing is it is not really known to too many people right now. Really long story short I joined this forum because my oldest son was an addict. He had a horrible relapse and ended up in jail for three months. (on a good note he was sentenced to a year long rehab program and has been clean for 13 months). He lives across the country so even though it tore us up not many people knew. We live in a very small town where everyone knows everyones business. His addiction really tore our family apart and hurt my other two sons. Well two weeks ago my youngest got into trouble with the police and that is how I found out he was using. So since he has not been using that long and we have used up our savings on rehabs for the other son we are trying a private doctor and suboxone. He seems to be feeling good but naturally has a lot on his mind with the legal issues. He is working with the police to help his case. Well we were at a party at my rich brother in laws on Saturday and Drew took 100.00 and my brother in law confronted him (no one knew about this at the time). Well my husband gets a call to come to his brother's house the next day and his brother tells him what happened and that he was missing 5,000.00 at thanksgiving too (don't ask why anyone would have 5,000.00 laying around but still he should not have touched it) Plus we knew my other sister in law had jewelry stolen and they suspected it might have been family. Obviously we had no idea it might have been our son. Well my son admitted he took money at Thanksgiving but said it was not 5,000. Well that can't be argued with if Mark said 5,000. that is what he thinks it was. I can't even discuss it with my husband who is furious and sooo embarrassed. I feel the same way but we have been to family programs and I have read every book I could get my hands on so I understand how an addict's mind works. He talked about it with his dr,. the other day and said I am not even using and I took it and they explained it as that is what you do when you are using and you have to learn to think differently. This behavior is not uncommon. My first priority is helping my son get the proper care. None of them have had addiction in their family they only know a little of what we have gone through so they don't understand this is not personal this is what addicts do. It is not right but that is how it is. How can I overcome the guilt that is associated with this. I am praying they leave the police out of it since it is family. At this time I can't imagine ever attending another family function with them. My brother in law wants my son to take a lie detector test. My feeling is they believe he is guilty so even if he passes it they won't believe it. We have not talked to them to tell them he did take money at thanksgiving (in fact my husband doesn't even know yet). I was thinking of having him tell him and telling him he will pay him back event though it will take a long time. But we still have the missing jewelry. When he tells them he took the money they will definitely blame him for the jewelry. Sorry this is so long but my stomach is in knots and I feel like I can't talk to anyone. I have so many things I feel should be explained to my brother in law but I know I could not talk to him about it. He is a great guy who we still owe 35,000. too for one of my older sons rehabs. So that just adds to the guilt. It hurts when family talks about your son like he is scum. I am having a pity party because I thought we were finally getting back to normal whatever that is and now this happens.

Ann

Cherrie, my heart goes out for you and my prayers too.

What helped me most to overcome my guilt and realize that I was not responsible for my son's bad behaviour...was to attend meetings and learn a better way to live and think.

That sounds so smug or trite sometimes, to say "just attend meetings", but I can tell you that meetings and learning to work a 12-step program every day in my life, literally saved my life and made it worth living again.

I learned that I was not responsible for anyone else's behaviour or thoughts...not my son's and not what others thought of him or me.

CatsPajamas here often repeats a great saying "What others think of me is none of my business". What that means is we cannot control their thoughts, we can only live each day the best we know how and hold our heads high.

Try some meetings, Cherrie, I promise you that you will be glad you did. And if you haven't already read "Codependent No More" maybe find the book and see if it doesn't help you as much as it helped most of us here. I know when I first read it, I wanted royalties because I felt she was writing about MY life, lol"

And know that there IS hope for brighter days ahead. Bad days don't last forever and good days come easier when we begin them with a prayer and our recovery connection.

Big hugs from one mama to another.

cherrie1

Thanks Ann,

I have read that book and many more but have a hard time applying it sometimes. I will look into some meetings, there is one near here but my sons friends parents go also so I am not comfortable sharing some stuff. They do make you feel better just like everyone on here because we are all bonded together by this disease. What I am going through right now is really hard because of it being family. My sister-in-law is one of my best friends, we spent every Friday together. No phone call today (surprise). As much as they can say they don't blame us I am sure they can't help it. I am not sure why I feel I can't talk to her I guess because I am afraid of being attacked. She is convinced he stole her jewelry. He says he didn't and I am somewhere in the middle, praying to God he did not do it but admitting it is possible. I am sure we will get through this we always do with a lot of praying but right now it is hard.

Serenity Bound

(((cherrie1))) remember this.....each and every one of us attending those meetings are there because we love an addict. so even tho your son's friends parents go......remind yourself that they too have an addict in their life. Nothing says that you have to share all at a meeting. Sometimes it is best for me to sit back and and just listen.

Sending you hugs,
Chris