another wave hits
it is what it is
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Griffin GA
Posts: 454
another wave hits
my AS should be signing plea papers this week sometime in one county and will then be moved to another county to face revocation charges on his probation there - it is so hard to face each wave as it hits - he has been in jail in this nearby county since may 31 - it has been comforting that he has been safe and sober - but also that he has been close by - just knowing that helped me - now things will begin to change - the other county is a little further away - i don't know how long he will be there but then he will move even further away as he moves in the the state corrections system - this whole process is tearing my heart out - another really hard thing is that his brothers have taken a very hands off response to this - i don' even feel like i can get any comfort from them - thankfully i have some friends who are very supportive and understanding - i've read of so many who have to deal with such terrible treatment from their addicted loved ones - my son has continued to be kind to me - certainly not always considerate but always kind and accepting of my decisions to detach from his drug behaviors - i'm just really hurting this a.m. and needed to talk - thanks to all of you for being there for so many here and in your face to face meetings - it's hard enough to get through this together - so much more difficult when alone - I REALLY HATE DRUGS.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
litehorse,
I am so sorry for this pain, and for the problems for your AS. While he may be still farther away, he willstill be sober and drug free. You may feel like he is being taken out of your "sight" so to speak- I would probably feel that way. He is still in his HP's hands, tho. And suffering the consequences of his actions (I assume this is a warranted punishment he is getting?)is what he is supposed to be doing, tho it hurts us-maybe more than it does them.
Take a deep breath, and take it a day at a time. I know it must be painful, but at least he is not on the streets, doing God know what. Pray that he learns well from this. And use the time, as you already are, to strengthen yourself, and work on your recovery from all the stress and worry.
I hope that I have not said anything that is hurtful.
I am simply sending you wishes for peace, and for your son to get his head straightened out quickly.
. Sending hugs, too.
chicory
I am so sorry for this pain, and for the problems for your AS. While he may be still farther away, he willstill be sober and drug free. You may feel like he is being taken out of your "sight" so to speak- I would probably feel that way. He is still in his HP's hands, tho. And suffering the consequences of his actions (I assume this is a warranted punishment he is getting?)is what he is supposed to be doing, tho it hurts us-maybe more than it does them.
Take a deep breath, and take it a day at a time. I know it must be painful, but at least he is not on the streets, doing God know what. Pray that he learns well from this. And use the time, as you already are, to strengthen yourself, and work on your recovery from all the stress and worry.
I hope that I have not said anything that is hurtful.
I am simply sending you wishes for peace, and for your son to get his head straightened out quickly.
. Sending hugs, too.
chicory
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I'm sending hugs too, litehouse, this must be very hard emotionally for you.
Something that has helped many here who have children in jail is to send them writing paper and stamped envelopes. It saves the cost of collect phone calls (which can also be too emotional also), and yet gives you a means of communicating with him, and may help you feel better too.
Keeping you both in my prayers, that this journey will take him to a better path in the end.
Hugs
Something that has helped many here who have children in jail is to send them writing paper and stamped envelopes. It saves the cost of collect phone calls (which can also be too emotional also), and yet gives you a means of communicating with him, and may help you feel better too.
Keeping you both in my prayers, that this journey will take him to a better path in the end.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: New York
Posts: 217
Hi Litehorse.....oh I am sending hugs your way today. I all too well remember that feeling when my son was in jail. (It began with a DUI, DWI and then he was caught up in the probation system until ultimately he violated his probation by testing positive and they locked him up! I paced my floors, I had heart palpitations, I couldnt sleep...consumed with worry. It finally occured to me that he was in a place where he wasnt even so much as smoking a cigarette! He was clean - he looked healthy and I began to feel some comfort. I remember I had noone to talk to but my husband and maybe 2 friends who I really trusted. Everyone else gave me the attitude that he was getting what he deserved. He was only 20 yrs old. I knew that he made bad choices but it hurt when I knew that people were thinking of him only as a troubled boy. They didnt have a clue to the dynamics of addiction. So yes, I do understand how it feels when you dont have support! Just know that you are supported by the people on this forum. It's people like you and me who have been in our shoes - some much worse than others! I am sending hugs and prayers to you. We are here for you. xo
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
litehorse
I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this. His brothers have taken a hands off approach for their own emotional protection so that's ok. Sometimes.....I wish my AS would wind up in jail so that I could know he is safe and drug free and not on the streets.....that's sad, huh?
gentle hugs
I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this. His brothers have taken a hands off approach for their own emotional protection so that's ok. Sometimes.....I wish my AS would wind up in jail so that I could know he is safe and drug free and not on the streets.....that's sad, huh?
gentle hugs
it is what it is
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Griffin GA
Posts: 454
Thank you so much to all of you for your encouraging and supportive words. I know my son is in the best place right now - he is safe and sober and will be that way for some time - i pray that this start will be the one that will lead to true recovery - i do understand that his brothers need to emotionally protect themselves from him but it hurts me that i cannot look to them for some emotional support for me - but that is okay as well -each to his own - i know the God will be at work wherever my son is - again thank you all so much for taking the time to respond and for being so understanding - we do need each other so much -
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
litehorse
I understand your desire to turn to your other sons for support. I have a daughter who is very hands off regarding her brother's addiction. I can't turn to her for support because she is just as conflicted and saddened by her brother's choices as I am. It hurts her to know that his choices hurt me because she loves me so much. I have to turn to others for support because she's just too close to the situation. She's five years younger than her brother and she was around his chaos for a long time. She's finding peace in her own life now and I respect that.
All of us are here for you.
gentle hugs
I understand your desire to turn to your other sons for support. I have a daughter who is very hands off regarding her brother's addiction. I can't turn to her for support because she is just as conflicted and saddened by her brother's choices as I am. It hurts her to know that his choices hurt me because she loves me so much. I have to turn to others for support because she's just too close to the situation. She's five years younger than her brother and she was around his chaos for a long time. She's finding peace in her own life now and I respect that.
All of us are here for you.
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: atlanta
Posts: 90
Speaking from much experience dealing with an AH going in and out of the prison system in Georgia...for me the seperation and knowing he was safe and was eating and all of that gave me the courage to detach much more than I ever could have had he still been walking in and out of my home and life. We still communicate via letters and I hope and pray every day that he seeks recovery this time. But if he doesnt, I wont be devistated because I have no expectations anymore and detachment is how I cope.
Hang in there, it gets easier as time goes by.
Hang in there, it gets easier as time goes by.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Each new wave really requires letting go of that rope a little more. I just keep reminding myself that I wasnever in control even when she was living here!Because for me its that fear of losing control..if I don't know where she is or who she is "crashing' with.Finally I have realized that it doesn't matter where she is..she's gonna do what she wants, but I totally get it about the each new wave. BTW, my son now tells peple he has no sister. He can't handle seeing what she has done to his dad and I. I don't go to him about it anymore..too painful for him. Keep coming here..we got ur back! wishing you peace...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in my own world~
Posts: 1,237
Hi Litehorse, As a mom that has gone through drugs I know how you feel on that level. My son has never been in jail so I haven't walked in those shoes so I'm sending hugs and love your way. This has to hurt so much. We just have to trust that there is a higher power watching over all our children and that they have the insight to take advantage of some of the opportunities that are put in front of them. I'm hoping as the days go on you can have some serenity in your life.....Smiles and positive energy, Bonnie
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Litehorse,
My adult son lives with me, and is an alcoholic(I believe). I have two younger daughters. Both are grown with their own families. We are very close. My son, 38, has always been selfish with his time,and so the girls are used to not having him in their lives much. They have been critical of his behaviours for a long time. Since he is living with me, they have been upset. over a year ago,my son was in such active drinking, and lived with me then for a while. I had to move away and not tell him where I was going. My sister and I took him to a shelter, and he stayed there for a while. He is not trying to do better with his life. If he is never going to change, it would be better for him to be in jail. He would be healthier.
I cannot go to my girls about him. A little bit, but since I am codependent, I say things that make the girls angry. I seem to always say something that they get angry about. They feel that no matter what I may say, if it is anything good about their brother, they scoff at it, and dont want to hear it. I guess they dont want to have any false hopes about him. I understand that.
I am amazed at how many things I say that make them crazy. So, I just try not to talk about him to them, unless they ask. They have helped me to see how much I have enabled him, in the past. Their insight has encouraged me to be stronger. It is a very long road. They love me, and dont want to see me waste my life on him. They dont really understand, but I am trying that much harder to do the right things. They are angry at him. Actions do speak , and they wait for actions on their brothers part.
Perhaps your boys feel the same?
My adult son lives with me, and is an alcoholic(I believe). I have two younger daughters. Both are grown with their own families. We are very close. My son, 38, has always been selfish with his time,and so the girls are used to not having him in their lives much. They have been critical of his behaviours for a long time. Since he is living with me, they have been upset. over a year ago,my son was in such active drinking, and lived with me then for a while. I had to move away and not tell him where I was going. My sister and I took him to a shelter, and he stayed there for a while. He is not trying to do better with his life. If he is never going to change, it would be better for him to be in jail. He would be healthier.
I cannot go to my girls about him. A little bit, but since I am codependent, I say things that make the girls angry. I seem to always say something that they get angry about. They feel that no matter what I may say, if it is anything good about their brother, they scoff at it, and dont want to hear it. I guess they dont want to have any false hopes about him. I understand that.
I am amazed at how many things I say that make them crazy. So, I just try not to talk about him to them, unless they ask. They have helped me to see how much I have enabled him, in the past. Their insight has encouraged me to be stronger. It is a very long road. They love me, and dont want to see me waste my life on him. They dont really understand, but I am trying that much harder to do the right things. They are angry at him. Actions do speak , and they wait for actions on their brothers part.
Perhaps your boys feel the same?
it is what it is
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Griffin GA
Posts: 454
Chicory - my other two sons are angry at the youngest who is the addict - they are angry at him for the way he has hurt me - and because he has chosen drugs over being part of the family - we all miss him so much - they are both married and have their own lives so what i feel sometimes is their disinterest is actually business with their own lives - a healthy choice for them - i guess i want them to take more of an active interest in what is happening with their brother but that is not fair to them so i remain eternally thankful for the kind hearts here and my face to face friends who are such a comfort -
Ann - i am actually seeing a Christian therapist right now - we have about another month of meetings then i am going to a Celebrate Recovery meeting - at this point i think it will be a good fit for me - i also have an amazingly supportive church group - the therapist suggested that i read a book, The Confident Woman, it has really been good and parallels so many of the alanon/naranon premises - there is a visualization exercise in it that is really good - i have reached in every direction to find the strength and support to make it through this truely horrible time - the most supportive of course has been God - but i will say again that all of you have been so helpful - even while reading your post to each other i gain so much from your words -
Ann - i am actually seeing a Christian therapist right now - we have about another month of meetings then i am going to a Celebrate Recovery meeting - at this point i think it will be a good fit for me - i also have an amazingly supportive church group - the therapist suggested that i read a book, The Confident Woman, it has really been good and parallels so many of the alanon/naranon premises - there is a visualization exercise in it that is really good - i have reached in every direction to find the strength and support to make it through this truely horrible time - the most supportive of course has been God - but i will say again that all of you have been so helpful - even while reading your post to each other i gain so much from your words -
The sun still shines
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
Litehorse, big hugs and my prayers are with you and your son. May you look back one day and see the good in this situation.
I suspect other children also get upset as most of their parents attention and energy goes towards the addict and they lose out on it. I know my second son felt some resentment towards his older brother because of the hurt he caused, but also because he always seems to be the centre of my universe. I am working hard to change that.
I suspect other children also get upset as most of their parents attention and energy goes towards the addict and they lose out on it. I know my second son felt some resentment towards his older brother because of the hurt he caused, but also because he always seems to be the centre of my universe. I am working hard to change that.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
