Her Friends?
Behind the Red Door
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 181
Her Friends?
I know she hasn't even been in rehab for a week yet (Tuesday), but I'm finding it odd that not a single friend has contacted us to find out why she isn't answering her phone, or why she hasn't posted on FB. Are all of her friends really that self absorbed? Do they really not care? I'm sure I should be happy about this regarding some friends, but all of them? Are all of her friends...not friends at all?
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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I don't know. . . it's not really her friends' responsibility to check up on her. Maybe they know more than you think, and aren't surprised to not hear from her, or maybe they know she's in treatment & just want to stay out of it.
When my BF went to rehab, a few people knew and then everybody else found out and a lot of them just kept to themselves. I talked to a few of his good friends who just didn't want to be a part of it. . . we can't expect other people to share the burden of this stuff - they have their own lives, and well they should! And we can't expect everyone to be on the same page as we are as far as being in denial, not wanting to deal with scary and emotional things. . .
My guess would be that her friends knew she was in some kind of trouble w/drugs and probably found out that she is in rehab or are relieved to not hear from her. . . in my BF's case, he was so bad at maintaining actual communication that people weren't surprised/alarmed if he disappeared for a few weeks. (yes he posted on FB and texted & called people, but then if they responded, he might just ignore them or take weeks to get back to them)
One of the things I've found disconcerting is that since my BF is out of rehab, he is very depressed about his friendships. . . he says his friends arent' there for him and don't understand at all what he is going through. He feels really alone. I know his friends care but he is putting too much emphasis on the outside and not enough on the inside, in my opinion. He can't expect them to fix this for him. And if he wants good and caring friends, he needs to be a good and caring person himself. . .
I don't know if that helped?
When my BF went to rehab, a few people knew and then everybody else found out and a lot of them just kept to themselves. I talked to a few of his good friends who just didn't want to be a part of it. . . we can't expect other people to share the burden of this stuff - they have their own lives, and well they should! And we can't expect everyone to be on the same page as we are as far as being in denial, not wanting to deal with scary and emotional things. . .
My guess would be that her friends knew she was in some kind of trouble w/drugs and probably found out that she is in rehab or are relieved to not hear from her. . . in my BF's case, he was so bad at maintaining actual communication that people weren't surprised/alarmed if he disappeared for a few weeks. (yes he posted on FB and texted & called people, but then if they responded, he might just ignore them or take weeks to get back to them)
One of the things I've found disconcerting is that since my BF is out of rehab, he is very depressed about his friendships. . . he says his friends arent' there for him and don't understand at all what he is going through. He feels really alone. I know his friends care but he is putting too much emphasis on the outside and not enough on the inside, in my opinion. He can't expect them to fix this for him. And if he wants good and caring friends, he needs to be a good and caring person himself. . .
I don't know if that helped?
Behind the Red Door
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 181
Originally Posted by NightandDay 
I don't know. . . it's not really her friends' responsibility to check up on her. Maybe they know more than you think, and aren't surprised to not hear from her, or maybe they know she's in treatment & just want to stay out of it.
When my BF went to rehab, a few people knew and then everybody else found out and a lot of them just kept to themselves. I talked to a few of his good friends who just didn't want to be a part of it. . . we can't expect other people to share the burden of this stuff - they have their own lives, and well they should! And we can't expect everyone to be on the same page as we are as far as being in denial, not wanting to deal with scary and emotional things. . .
My guess would be that her friends knew she was in some kind of trouble w/drugs and probably found out that she is in rehab or are relieved to not hear from her. . . in my BF's case, he was so bad at maintaining actual communication that people weren't surprised/alarmed if he disappeared for a few weeks. (yes he posted on FB and texted & called people, but then if they responded, he might just ignore them or take weeks to get back to them)
One of the things I've found disconcerting is that since my BF is out of rehab, he is very depressed about his friendships. . . he says his friends arent' there for him and don't understand at all what he is going through. He feels really alone. I know his friends care but he is putting too much emphasis on the outside and not enough on the inside, in my opinion. He can't expect them to fix this for him. And if he wants good and caring friends, he needs to be a good and caring person himself. . .
I don't know if that helped?
When my BF went to rehab, a few people knew and then everybody else found out and a lot of them just kept to themselves. I talked to a few of his good friends who just didn't want to be a part of it. . . we can't expect other people to share the burden of this stuff - they have their own lives, and well they should! And we can't expect everyone to be on the same page as we are as far as being in denial, not wanting to deal with scary and emotional things. . .
My guess would be that her friends knew she was in some kind of trouble w/drugs and probably found out that she is in rehab or are relieved to not hear from her. . . in my BF's case, he was so bad at maintaining actual communication that people weren't surprised/alarmed if he disappeared for a few weeks. (yes he posted on FB and texted & called people, but then if they responded, he might just ignore them or take weeks to get back to them)
One of the things I've found disconcerting is that since my BF is out of rehab, he is very depressed about his friendships. . . he says his friends arent' there for him and don't understand at all what he is going through. He feels really alone. I know his friends care but he is putting too much emphasis on the outside and not enough on the inside, in my opinion. He can't expect them to fix this for him. And if he wants good and caring friends, he needs to be a good and caring person himself. . .
I don't know if that helped?
I know what you're saying, and have had the same thoughts, but then I think if I hadn't heard from one of my close friends in a week, I'd want to know that s/he's okay. It's just another piece of the puzzle that doesn't fit to me.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Well, if she has a good friend that you also feel you have a relationship with, perhaps you could contact him/her and say that you just wanted to let them know your daughter is in treatment and you weren't sure if they knew? I think that is honest without being manipulative. Maybe that will help with that piece of the puzzle instead of us sittin' here guessin' 
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I know for me personally, I don't necessarily keep that close of tabs on my friends to notice if they go a week without posting on their facebook... sometimes I go several days without logging on myself.
Honestly, I would leave it alone. Is she allowed to make phone calls or write letters to her friends? My guess is she'll find a way to let them know where she is if she wants them to know that badly...
My other thought here is, how well do you know her friends? Do you know which ones are involved in drugs? I know that when my sister was at her worst in her addiction, the only people she really associated with were people who were doing the same things she was doing. Is it possible that her better behaved friends haven't heard from her in a while anyways, and perhaps this is why they aren't asking about her?
Whatever the reason, I still think in this case maybe letting her decide who knows she's in rehab and when they find out would be best. But that's just my opinion.
Honestly, I would leave it alone. Is she allowed to make phone calls or write letters to her friends? My guess is she'll find a way to let them know where she is if she wants them to know that badly...
My other thought here is, how well do you know her friends? Do you know which ones are involved in drugs? I know that when my sister was at her worst in her addiction, the only people she really associated with were people who were doing the same things she was doing. Is it possible that her better behaved friends haven't heard from her in a while anyways, and perhaps this is why they aren't asking about her?
Whatever the reason, I still think in this case maybe letting her decide who knows she's in rehab and when they find out would be best. But that's just my opinion.
Behind the Red Door
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 181
Originally Posted by ladyamalthea
I know for me personally, I don't necessarily keep that close of tabs on my friends to notice if they go a week without posting on their facebook... sometimes I go several days without logging on myself.
Honestly, I would leave it alone. Is she allowed to make phone calls or write letters to her friends? My guess is she'll find a way to let them know where she is if she wants them to know that badly...
My other thought here is, how well do you know her friends? Do you know which ones are involved in drugs? I know that when my sister was at her worst in her addiction, the only people she really associated with were people who were doing the same things she was doing. Is it possible that her better behaved friends haven't heard from her in a while anyways, and perhaps this is why they aren't asking about her?
Whatever the reason, I still think in this case maybe letting her decide who knows she's in rehab and when they find out would be best. But that's just my opinion.
Honestly, I would leave it alone. Is she allowed to make phone calls or write letters to her friends? My guess is she'll find a way to let them know where she is if she wants them to know that badly...
My other thought here is, how well do you know her friends? Do you know which ones are involved in drugs? I know that when my sister was at her worst in her addiction, the only people she really associated with were people who were doing the same things she was doing. Is it possible that her better behaved friends haven't heard from her in a while anyways, and perhaps this is why they aren't asking about her?
Whatever the reason, I still think in this case maybe letting her decide who knows she's in rehab and when they find out would be best. But that's just my opinion.
I have a hand full of friends that I do keep tabs on that closely.
I have no intentionn of interfering, I was just pondering.
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Originally Posted by tormentedmirror
I have a hand full of friends that I do keep tabs on that closely.
I have no intentionn of interfering, I was just pondering.
I have no intentionn of interfering, I was just pondering.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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I'm just speaking from personal observations here, but when my sister's addiction was at its worst, she was withdrawn from her "good" friends, and had been for a while; probably because she knew they wouldn't want to get high with her. Or she didn't want them to know. Or they figured out what she was doing, and didn't want to be around that behavior. So it would have made sense for them to not realize if she had not been on facebook for a week, because most of them had not heard from her in a while anyways.
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Behind the Red Door
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Originally Posted by ladyamalthea
I'm just speaking from personal observations here, but when my sister's addiction was at its worst, she was withdrawn from her "good" friends, and had been for a while; probably because she knew they wouldn't want to get high with her. Or she didn't want them to know. Or they figured out what she was doing, and didn't want to be around that behavior. So it would have made sense for them to not realize if she had not been on facebook for a week, because most of them had not heard from her in a while anyways.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: New York
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I personally think that the friends just dont want to be questioned by the parent. They know - believe me they know. They could be covering themselves. If she was hanging with the same group for a long time then more than likely they were all doing the same as she. They may have even been her connections. My son was in jail for 47 days and not one friend called to ask how he was doing. My son was in rehab for 28 days and the same...not one call. I too wondered why. It's the nature of the beast I guess...and these are the kids that our children think are the cats meow.....
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My son's friends had been pretty well been "used" by the time he got around to any type of recovery. He'd crashed on their couches, borrowed whatever money they'd part with, caused drama in their lives and looked & acted like a loser. But, besides that they have lives of their own and IMO the next generations are much more self involved - I don't mean that in a bad way, just, that they are more involved in their own personal life.
As many others have mentioned, the more time you can spend focusing on yourself, thinking about yourself, wondering what your mind is all about and what causes you to act or react in certain ways, the better off you'll be. Again, just my opinion! Take what you like and leave the rest.
As many others have mentioned, the more time you can spend focusing on yourself, thinking about yourself, wondering what your mind is all about and what causes you to act or react in certain ways, the better off you'll be. Again, just my opinion! Take what you like and leave the rest.
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