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Son moved back home....

Old 08-16-2010, 06:03 AM
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Son moved back home....

Well it's been quite a bit since I've written here....and im feeling the need for my support friends yet once again. (Thank god I have this place to come to). My 23 yr old AS was not living with me for quite a while (living at his alcoholic dads house..) and I was living quite peaceful (you know the saying "What you dont know doesnt hurt you...) He really was doing quite well...went on Suboxone program, weened himself off, working full time and recently signed up to go to school full time. All wonderful positive things! I couldnt have been prouder! He asked if he could come back to live with my husband and I (due to the fact that dad was moving out of state) and I agreed it would be ok (being that he had his life together, was attending school here and seemed to be on the right track.) Well... let my aggravation begin. I already have feelings that something is not right. I already cannot sleep at night and am having heart palpitations worrying about this kid. He is staying out until all hours and still hanging out with the same crowd of partiers. I just have that burning feeling that he is relapsing again and Im beginning to think that it was a mistake letting him move back in. I never thought I would be back at this point again. I absolutely love this boy because he is my son...I just dont know if I can deal with this again....
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Old 08-16-2010, 06:14 AM
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I'm sorry you are dealing with this, hon. I understand how we parents only want what is best for our kids, but sometimes, that means allowing them to forge their own way. While it was kind of you to allow your son to move back into your home, it sounds like he is destroying your serenity. You should not have to deal with this.

Since he is working now, is there any reason why he cannot get his own place? At 23, it really should be time for him to be living on his own, being responsible for his own life, especially if he is not respecting your generosity.
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Old 08-16-2010, 08:10 AM
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We always want to give them a chance and support them when they're in recovery. It's a natural thing for a mother or parent to do. I try to base my interactions with my son entirely on his behaviors (he is still using). If the behavior is not acceptable, I distance myself from him. If his behaviors are good, I can tolerate limited doses of contact with him.

There is nothing wrong with doing what needs to be done to keep yourself in a healthy state of mind.

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Old 08-16-2010, 08:30 AM
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If the behavior is not acceptable, I distance myself from him. If his behaviors are good, I can tolerate limited doses of contact with him.
Very well put. It's hard even when the behaviors are good to recognize and realize that we can't jump back into things. "Limited doses" help keep us healthy.

Puddinface, I'm sorry you are going through this. My heart goes out to you. Whenever I read the posts by mothers regarding their children, I get very teary-eyed. I can feel the pain in the mothers' words and I just want to give all you moms a big hug. You are wonderful people and I admire so much your courage and strength! I can only imagine how difficult it is; I see my own mother struggling with my brothers' addiction, but she is not in recovery for herself. It is brave and beautiful to seek your own recovery. . . Puddinface, I wish you serenity just for today. Maybe in that you can find some answers on how to move forward.
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Old 08-16-2010, 08:58 AM
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Thank you all so much for your helpful words!! I find it amazing how over the past few years I always come back here. I dont talk to friends, or family members...but yet feel such comfort from people here...people that understand my situation even though we dont even know each other. I began saying my prayers again last night. I need strength to do the right thing with my son. If I am feeling uncomfortable with him...there's a reason. And Suki...you are so right...he is disrespecting my generosity. He should be greatful that we allowed him to come back here to live. He is not financially ready to be on his own as of yet. He works as a helper and does not get a steady paycheck every week. Also, I thought with him enrolling in school, it would be so much more stable for him to be here. I didnt take into consideration that I would be feeling his world once again. Again, Im not 100% sure yet...just going with my gut. Today I will have a little sit down with him and express what Im feeling. Thank you all so much...xoxoxo
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Old 08-16-2010, 09:54 AM
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I think the worse part of this is when we actually see some progress in the A and 'hope' that the nightmare might actually be over...then to find it's not. I hope your son really is on the right track, but from experience I have learned if they don't change the lifestyle and the friends they use (used) with. It usually isn't long before they end up back in the fray. I do hope that isn't the case with your son, but it's best if you set the boundary's you can live with now, it's your right to do so and not his right to steal your peace and joy from life.
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Old 08-16-2010, 02:25 PM
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Hi puddinface, My son is living with us right now. The minute he walked in the door I told him,"absolutely no substance abuse here" at all. Its been a few months and so far-so good. I know he has a beer or two with friends and is keeping a lid on that so far but as I said......nothing here. He works hard and is soon getting his own place. If your not comfy you do need to sit him down and have a chat. Help for college housing is out there if he just checks with the college hes attending... they may also help him with a job on campus. Hugs hon~~~~
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Old 08-16-2010, 02:37 PM
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How long has your son been back?
Living with your son for awhile and trying to establish honest communication will give you a more accurate idea of his situation. However, usually our gut feelings tend to be accurate.
You will soon be able to determine if he is functioning as well as he told you or if he needs help and is willing to accept it.
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Old 08-16-2010, 03:28 PM
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Thanks everyone for your thoughts! He is only back living with me about 6 weeks. He's been working, going to school...but staying out quite late...which leads me to believe somethings going on. I confronted him today...he of course says he's just fine. I told him I loved him and that I am here for him. I asked him if he has relapsed (I told him to be honest with me before things get out of his control - he can go back on the Suboxone if need be)...he of course became furious with me and didnt speak to me the rest of the day. I try so hard with this kid and he just pushes me away. I dont know what approach to take with him anymore. He just doesnt seem to want to hear anything I have to say. I get the feeling he just hates my guts and I dont know why. I try so hard.
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Old 08-16-2010, 03:31 PM
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He doesn't hate you. He hates being called on his crap. That doesn't mean you shouldn't do it though. Seems strange that he would get so angry though, unless you were getting close to something he doesn't want you to know.
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Old 08-16-2010, 04:46 PM
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He doesn't hate you, he hates it that your gut is speaking to him. See, he knows what he is doing, and, addicts never like to be called on anything, they live in a world of excuses and lies.

I hope that you are wrong, however, all the signs are there.

Do what is best for you and your husband, at 23 your son is an adult, no longer a kid.

I feel your pain, and, I am sorry.
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Old 08-16-2010, 05:49 PM
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Thanks everyone....I think you are right...he's definitely on the defensive. If he would reassure me that everything was ok instead of walking away and giving me the silent treatment...i wouldnt be so baffled. He's very quiet by nature and definitely does not like to be confronted about his drug use. I broke down a little with my husband this evening and let him know I was beginning to feel consumed again with worry for him. It felt good to let loose a little. I'll be keeping my eyes open for any additional signs that something is going on. Thanks my friends...
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Old 08-16-2010, 06:02 PM
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My heart goes out to you, puddinface, because I know that getting back into that front row seat is the worst seat in the house...whether they are using or not.

With my son, I learned to trust my instincts, they rarely fail me. And I learned to set firm boundaries about what he could or could not do while living in my home. I told him that he could respect my boundaries while living at home, or that he could do whatever he wanted living any place else and that I would love him just the same.

My boundaries included a zero tolerance to drug use while living at home, and also a curfew of 11 pm every night...not negotiable. If he wasn't home by 11, his belongings would be on the front porch and there would be no "reappearance" allowed in the morning. This wasn't about controlling him, it was about me getting my sleep and I couldn't sleep if he was out partying.

"We" are not their only option, "we" are not even a good one. He can get his own place, or share a place, just like he would do if we lived 1000 miles away.

Some sons do fine living at home, some do not. Respect for the family home has a lot do do with it. Speaking in anger or sarcastically is not respectful.

It is entirely up to you to figure out what works for you, but just know that this mama knows the struggle that goes with figuring that out. When you are ready, the answer will come.

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Old 08-16-2010, 06:05 PM
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Beautifully said, Ann. Now I have a headache from nodding my head up and down so much.
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Old 08-16-2010, 09:04 PM
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(((Puddin))) - just because he's 23, doesn't mean you can't set rules as far as curfew. He's living in YOUR house, and being supported by you. I'm over twice his age, and I have to follow the rules of the house. If I don't like it, I am shown the door.

When I first moved back home (thanks to the financial ruin of my addiction), I had to build up trust. I started by letting my family know where I'd be. If I was going to be late, I called. If I was going out with friends, I let them know. At first, I felt like a high-school kid, but I did it. In time, trust was rebuilt. It really wasn't so bad, as this was the way I was raised...it's common courtesy. My dad is an expediter, meaning he is on the road...a lot. He checks in, quite frequently, just so we know he's okay.

You have every right to question what he's doing. Is he drinking? Does he drive if he's been drinking? Who's car is he driving? Who's paying his insurance? Can he get another job? I'm working two jobs, going to school and I STILL can't afford to be on my own, but I follow the rules, and quite frankly, they're not so bad because I'm not doing anything wrong.

I help my family out when I can. They help me out when they can. That's how it works. If I were ever to not answer my cell phone, or call back within a short period of time (I cant answer my phone at work) it sends up a red flag because that's what I did when I was using. These are things I have to live with because of the behaviors I had when I was using. It's okay. I deserve that. Old habits die hard. I had a car run me off the road, yesterday, and I blew my tire. The first thing my dad asked, because I'm on a med to help me sleep (I have PTSD) was "are you doped up?" It stung, but ya know what? I understand it. I put that man through he!!. I simply replied "no I'm not. It's the middle of the day, and I only take my meds at night".

He's 23. You have the right to make rules and he can live with them, or he can leave. Sometimes we A's have to get "kicked to the curb" to truly appreciate what we had, and to do what we have to, to get it back.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 08-16-2010, 09:34 PM
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My thought has always been, if I were in my son's shoes and I KNEW I wasn't doing anything wrong, ie drugs... I would offer to take a drug test to prove that I was being truthful. When my AS got defensive, it was just as good as an admission to me.

On the other hand, 23 year old men do stay out late for other reasons than doing drugs... I think it's up to you what you want as your boundary, if the late nights don't sit right with you, it's well within your right as a parent that is providing shelter and food to lay down that rule. Like Ann said, it doesn't even have to be about drugs, simply the fact that we don't need to be waken at all hours of the night is enough of a reason to insist on being home at a set time. It's all about sticking up for yourself and the right that you have earned to live in peace...
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Old 08-16-2010, 10:28 PM
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just for consideration here....

I have been wrongly accused of things.

It makes me mad and I don't want to talk to that person.

that does not mean I am guilty.
It means I feel offended.
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Old 08-17-2010, 05:57 AM
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Thank you so much everyone for your thoughts and wisdom. Live, you are so right...I very well could be wrong by accusing him...however I get this strange feeling with him sometimes and usually my instincts are pretty good. My husband thinks I am jumping the gun with him...he looks good, he is working and going to school. He is up early in the morning on his own, takes care of his own room...etc. But, its the late night thing that is throwing me. That is why I confronted him...I just dont want things to get out of control when he has so much good things happening for him right now. Again, time will tell. Boundaries will definitely have to be set for me to have some peace.
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Old 08-17-2010, 01:19 PM
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He doesn't hate yoou at all puddinface. As a matter of fact its probably just the opposite. Unil he becomes humble in certain ways I can bet he still is using. I'm only comparing this to my son and the way he acted when using and I thought he was fine....after 2 rehabs here my son has completelt changed. This doesn't mean that drugs will never pop up again but I'm praying they don't. Don't let him use you hon. It took me forever to really get it. Counciling, meetings and my best approach was with an addiction specialist. She really opened my eyes, made me cry uncontrollably~~ and lit a fire in me. But it took me 2 years to really see the light. So, go with your instincts and if that means making him sleep in the streets~~do it now (while the weather is nice))))))...allow no drugs in your house at all...look for them. Its your house.....I love my son also but I'm not helping with anything he can do for himself anymore. Good luck and positive energy coming your way....stay strong, Bonnie
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Old 08-17-2010, 02:28 PM
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Thanks Bonnie for your heartfelt words! I always feel so much better when I come to this forum and hear from all the other moms. I always second guess myself but then I talk to people here and I just know I did the right thing! He must have thought about the way he made me feel yesterday because today he was completely different....very friendly and made sure he went out of his way to talk to me. Or...maybe he's just afraid Im gonna throw him out!! LOL
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