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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 4
New Member
I just found this site yesterday, & am grateful to have found it.
I am a mom of an 18, almost 19 year old son who is an addict.
Although I am new to this site, I am not new to Nar-Anon, as my husband & I attend meetings regularly. While the support of the Nar-Anon family has been amazing, I am still feeling so frustrated & helpless when it comes to my son & his addiction.
I'm sure like many family members of addicts, I still think there is something I can do, should do, shouldn't do, to help my son. I read the NA book, attend the meetings, read the forums such as this one, and everything & everyone tells me there is nothing I can do. That I need to detach with love; Let go & Let God; I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it, etc.....In my mind, I understand, and it makes sense. But my heart is so broken, & I am so overwhelmed by my sadness, that I am unable to do any of the things I am told I should be doing. I feel if I detach, that my son will see it as my giving up on him, not caring anymore, not loving him. When all I want to do is scoop him up in my arms & make this all go away for him, and for me. I know, pretty delusional, huh? Isn't that what a mom is supposed to do? Make things better for her child?
I had to make one of the hardest decisions of my life 2 weeks ago, as I had to call the police to have him arrested. In my head, I know he is safe in jail, and is not using, but I am devastated that I had to put him in jail.
I am hoping that by finding this site & reading about others' journeys with their addict, & continuing to attend the NA meetings, I might somehow be able to learn what I can do to help my son, what I should do, and what I shouldn't do.
I am a mom of an 18, almost 19 year old son who is an addict.
Although I am new to this site, I am not new to Nar-Anon, as my husband & I attend meetings regularly. While the support of the Nar-Anon family has been amazing, I am still feeling so frustrated & helpless when it comes to my son & his addiction.
I'm sure like many family members of addicts, I still think there is something I can do, should do, shouldn't do, to help my son. I read the NA book, attend the meetings, read the forums such as this one, and everything & everyone tells me there is nothing I can do. That I need to detach with love; Let go & Let God; I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it, etc.....In my mind, I understand, and it makes sense. But my heart is so broken, & I am so overwhelmed by my sadness, that I am unable to do any of the things I am told I should be doing. I feel if I detach, that my son will see it as my giving up on him, not caring anymore, not loving him. When all I want to do is scoop him up in my arms & make this all go away for him, and for me. I know, pretty delusional, huh? Isn't that what a mom is supposed to do? Make things better for her child?
I had to make one of the hardest decisions of my life 2 weeks ago, as I had to call the police to have him arrested. In my head, I know he is safe in jail, and is not using, but I am devastated that I had to put him in jail.
I am hoping that by finding this site & reading about others' journeys with their addict, & continuing to attend the NA meetings, I might somehow be able to learn what I can do to help my son, what I should do, and what I shouldn't do.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Welcome.. I too, am the mom of an 18 year old heroin addicted daughter. Well, you are ahead of the game going to Naranon. For me, I had to learn all those things in my head first, and just recently they moved to my heart. It goes against every fiber of our beings to not try to help them, to let them fall, but it is what we have to do. Someone told me they never went to an AA speaker meeting where the speaker said "My mommy got me clean". Doesn't work like that! If only it did. It is really hard to detatch, but SOO much better for EVERYONE when we do. Keep coming back, lots of mamas and some dads will be along shortly to add their 2 cents!
Behind the Red Door
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 181
Hi Trish. I'm a new member, too. We have only recently found out about the drug use, and got her into a treatment facility as soon as we could. I'm finding already that I need to visit this site often.
I wish you the best with your sons recovery.
I wish you the best with your sons recovery.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
welcome to sober recovery. you ARE doing the right things, although it sometimes feels as though you are abandoning your son.
possibly the best thing about this forum, is that we will support you. you have a place to come to for clarity, for solace, for affirmation.
also, unlike nar- and al-anon, we will gently encourage you when we think you've gotten off track, and yes, give advice. frankly it's the thing that has helped me like al-anon never did.
rest easy knowing that you are doing the right thing by your son.
possibly the best thing about this forum, is that we will support you. you have a place to come to for clarity, for solace, for affirmation.
also, unlike nar- and al-anon, we will gently encourage you when we think you've gotten off track, and yes, give advice. frankly it's the thing that has helped me like al-anon never did.
rest easy knowing that you are doing the right thing by your son.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Hey Trish91
Another mother here......my son is 29 and his current DOC is meth. I understand your fears, your anguish.....all of it. All of us here do. If wishing and hoping and loving could make my son stop using, it would have happened long ago. Personally, I go through times when I'm "on my game" of detaching with love.....and other times when I fail miserably and fall right back into my old enabling, co-dependent behaviors. It's very hard being the mother of an addict. I have to work daily to keep in touch with "my joy" because sometimes I lose it and I have to look very hard to find it again.
It sounds like you are doing all of the things you need to do for you. Like most of us, you won't do it perfectly.....and that's ok. We just do the best we can to stay centered while the crazy-making stuff goes on around us.
Stick around. There are a lot of very good people here. Some who are new to coping with addiction, some who have been coping for years, some who haven't seen their son/daughter for weeks-months-years, some who have adult children who are currently incarcerated and some who have experienced our worst fear....death. There are some who are experiencing the very tentative joy of seeing their children find recovery. They are all amazing people with so much to share. I hope you're able to find strength and hope through their words.
gentle hugs
Another mother here......my son is 29 and his current DOC is meth. I understand your fears, your anguish.....all of it. All of us here do. If wishing and hoping and loving could make my son stop using, it would have happened long ago. Personally, I go through times when I'm "on my game" of detaching with love.....and other times when I fail miserably and fall right back into my old enabling, co-dependent behaviors. It's very hard being the mother of an addict. I have to work daily to keep in touch with "my joy" because sometimes I lose it and I have to look very hard to find it again.
It sounds like you are doing all of the things you need to do for you. Like most of us, you won't do it perfectly.....and that's ok. We just do the best we can to stay centered while the crazy-making stuff goes on around us.
Stick around. There are a lot of very good people here. Some who are new to coping with addiction, some who have been coping for years, some who haven't seen their son/daughter for weeks-months-years, some who have adult children who are currently incarcerated and some who have experienced our worst fear....death. There are some who are experiencing the very tentative joy of seeing their children find recovery. They are all amazing people with so much to share. I hope you're able to find strength and hope through their words.
gentle hugs
it is what it is
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Griffin GA
Posts: 454
Trish, I also am a mother with an addict son. He started using around 19 years old and is now 27. I was way too slow picking up on the seriousness of the situation. I would love to have those earlier years back to do things differently. You are certainly doing the best thing for him. Don't soften it for him, but by all means let him know you love him and that you believe there is a good life out there for him if he will make the choices for himself that will get him there. It is so hard being where you are. My son is in jail right now and is looking at time in prison. His doc is meth. I've always told him I will support any effort at recovery. The line between support and enabling can sometimes be pretty thin. Don't beat yourself up - especially not for making a really tough decision out of love for your son. Stay strong and remember that when he makes the decision for himself to work on his recovery you need to be whole and healthy. My prayers will be with you and your son.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: New York
Posts: 217
Trish...I too am the mother of a 23 yr old addict. His drug use started when he was about 15 and escalated throughout the years. We did everything we could for him and yet he still made the same choices. It ultimately came to the point where I told him he couldnt live with me anymore. I was becoming emotionally sick over him. About 4 wks ago, he asked if he could move back in with me. He weened off of Suboxone, works full time and goes to school now. I thought life would be different for us with all this positiveness going on. (I wanted him to feel the love and supportiveness) I am right back to square one. He is staying out till all hours and I have a feeling that he is using again and I am up pacing at night with worry. I now have to sit him down, confront him and make a decision on whether he can stay or should move out. Dont know what route I will go, but I can tell you this...I will not become physically sick over this boy again! I have been here way too many times with him. You did the right thing...go with your gut feeling. I will do the same. Hugs to you...
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Welcome. Sometimes I think we need to have our own Mom's Club. It's a difficult and heart wrenching thing to watch a child make really bad decisions and choices. As a mom, it is just so hard to not do everything in my power to step in front of that bus to protect my child.
I've posted this before, but will share it again with you - trust me, you're in the right place. I wrote this 3 or 4 yrs ago after a difficult telephone conversation with my then 21 yr old son.
Dear Son,
It was good to talk with you on the phone last night, but it was painful at the same time. I could hear the pain and frustration in your voice, and I know that you are struggling mightily with some things in your life right now.
Although it was difficult, I said “no” again. It’s not because I don’t love you… I say NO because I love you so very much.
BECAUSE I love you, you can’t come home
BECAUSE I love you, I won’t give you money to pay your rent, your cell phone, your car insurance, your car payment OR your dealer
BECAUSE I love you, I won’t bail you out of jail
BECAUSE I love you, I won’t make excuses or lie to your employer
BECAUSE I love you, I will let you experience your own consequences
BECAUSE I love you, I will point you in the direction of recovery, of a better life…
And BECAUSE I love you, I will let you find your own way.
And most of all, BECAUSE I love you, I will continue to seek my own recovery & support from other moms of children who are struggling with their own demons because they are the only ones who can truly understand.
I love you more than you can ever know,
Mom
Again, welcome. I'm sorry for what brought you here, but so very happy that you found us. You may not know all of us yet, but we understand you like few others can. We've been there, or we ARE there, or we're headed there. And we understand.
I've posted this before, but will share it again with you - trust me, you're in the right place. I wrote this 3 or 4 yrs ago after a difficult telephone conversation with my then 21 yr old son.
Dear Son,
It was good to talk with you on the phone last night, but it was painful at the same time. I could hear the pain and frustration in your voice, and I know that you are struggling mightily with some things in your life right now.
Although it was difficult, I said “no” again. It’s not because I don’t love you… I say NO because I love you so very much.
BECAUSE I love you, you can’t come home
BECAUSE I love you, I won’t give you money to pay your rent, your cell phone, your car insurance, your car payment OR your dealer
BECAUSE I love you, I won’t bail you out of jail
BECAUSE I love you, I won’t make excuses or lie to your employer
BECAUSE I love you, I will let you experience your own consequences
BECAUSE I love you, I will point you in the direction of recovery, of a better life…
And BECAUSE I love you, I will let you find your own way.
And most of all, BECAUSE I love you, I will continue to seek my own recovery & support from other moms of children who are struggling with their own demons because they are the only ones who can truly understand.
I love you more than you can ever know,
Mom
Again, welcome. I'm sorry for what brought you here, but so very happy that you found us. You may not know all of us yet, but we understand you like few others can. We've been there, or we ARE there, or we're headed there. And we understand.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 4
Wow....thank you all so very much for responding to my post. Your kind words, encouragement, and genuine concern for my situation is so appreciated. I am very very happy that I found this site.
As I said in my 1st post, I did have to call the police to have my son arrested. The reason for this is because he punched me in my jaw with a clenched fist. Earlier the same day, he had stolen money from us as well. My heart was so broken when I pressed the charges, but I knew that would get him away, even temporarily from the drugs. I knew he would most likely hate me, and maybe not even want to ever speak to me again for calling the police, but if it meant that he would be safe & off of the drugs, I prayed that he would finally be able to get clean, and maybe then he would understand why I did what I did. He was arrested on Saturday, had his arraingment today, and this afternoon, he was bailed out of jail. Within an hour, he was back at the place he was staying & I have no doubt he's using.
Because of him hitting me, the charge was domestic violence, so he was told he is not allowed to have any contact with me. This came from the judge, not me. I would love for him to call me, to talk to me. But I am sure between his anger at me & what the judge told him, he most definetly won't.
So now, what I had hoped & prayed for with him being arrested was all for not.
And my pain & sadness just deepens.
Thank you all again for your wonderful, kind posts, and for welcoming me to this site.
As I said in my 1st post, I did have to call the police to have my son arrested. The reason for this is because he punched me in my jaw with a clenched fist. Earlier the same day, he had stolen money from us as well. My heart was so broken when I pressed the charges, but I knew that would get him away, even temporarily from the drugs. I knew he would most likely hate me, and maybe not even want to ever speak to me again for calling the police, but if it meant that he would be safe & off of the drugs, I prayed that he would finally be able to get clean, and maybe then he would understand why I did what I did. He was arrested on Saturday, had his arraingment today, and this afternoon, he was bailed out of jail. Within an hour, he was back at the place he was staying & I have no doubt he's using.
Because of him hitting me, the charge was domestic violence, so he was told he is not allowed to have any contact with me. This came from the judge, not me. I would love for him to call me, to talk to me. But I am sure between his anger at me & what the judge told him, he most definetly won't.
So now, what I had hoped & prayed for with him being arrested was all for not.
And my pain & sadness just deepens.
Thank you all again for your wonderful, kind posts, and for welcoming me to this site.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by CatsPajamas 
Welcome. Sometimes I think we need to have our own Mom's Club. It's a difficult and heart wrenching thing to watch a child make really bad decisions and choices. As a mom, it is just so hard to not do everything in my power to step in front of that bus to protect my child.
I've posted this before, but will share it again with you - trust me, you're in the right place. I wrote this 3 or 4 yrs ago after a difficult telephone conversation with my then 21 yr old son.
Dear Son,
It was good to talk with you on the phone last night, but it was painful at the same time. I could hear the pain and frustration in your voice, and I know that you are struggling mightily with some things in your life right now.
Although it was difficult, I said “no” again. It’s not because I don’t love you… I say NO because I love you so very much.
BECAUSE I love you, you can’t come home
BECAUSE I love you, I won’t give you money to pay your rent, your cell phone, your car insurance, your car payment OR your dealer
BECAUSE I love you, I won’t bail you out of jail
BECAUSE I love you, I won’t make excuses or lie to your employer
BECAUSE I love you, I will let you experience your own consequences
BECAUSE I love you, I will point you in the direction of recovery, of a better life…
And BECAUSE I love you, I will let you find your own way.
And most of all, BECAUSE I love you, I will continue to seek my own recovery & support from other moms of children who are struggling with their own demons because they are the only ones who can truly understand.
I love you more than you can ever know,
Mom
Again, welcome. I'm sorry for what brought you here, but so very happy that you found us. You may not know all of us yet, but we understand you like few others can. We've been there, or we ARE there, or we're headed there. And we understand.
I've posted this before, but will share it again with you - trust me, you're in the right place. I wrote this 3 or 4 yrs ago after a difficult telephone conversation with my then 21 yr old son.
Dear Son,
It was good to talk with you on the phone last night, but it was painful at the same time. I could hear the pain and frustration in your voice, and I know that you are struggling mightily with some things in your life right now.
Although it was difficult, I said “no” again. It’s not because I don’t love you… I say NO because I love you so very much.
BECAUSE I love you, you can’t come home
BECAUSE I love you, I won’t give you money to pay your rent, your cell phone, your car insurance, your car payment OR your dealer
BECAUSE I love you, I won’t bail you out of jail
BECAUSE I love you, I won’t make excuses or lie to your employer
BECAUSE I love you, I will let you experience your own consequences
BECAUSE I love you, I will point you in the direction of recovery, of a better life…
And BECAUSE I love you, I will let you find your own way.
And most of all, BECAUSE I love you, I will continue to seek my own recovery & support from other moms of children who are struggling with their own demons because they are the only ones who can truly understand.
I love you more than you can ever know,
Mom
Again, welcome. I'm sorry for what brought you here, but so very happy that you found us. You may not know all of us yet, but we understand you like few others can. We've been there, or we ARE there, or we're headed there. And we understand.
Thank you so much for re-posing this for me to read. What an awesome letter for your son to read from you. Needless to say, I cried when I read it.
Thank you so much for sharing this with me.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
Oh Trish, I am so sorry. ((((HUGS))))
You did absolutely the right thing in having him arrested. It is really best that the Judge warned him to stay away from you. You don't know that he wouldn't hurt you again and you must protect yourself. I truly hope you don't decide not to press charges. This is all part of the consequences he needs to face for his bad decisions.
Please take care of yourself and don't hesitate to call the police if he comes to your home or tries to see you. If he is high, there is no telling what he might do.
You did absolutely the right thing in having him arrested. It is really best that the Judge warned him to stay away from you. You don't know that he wouldn't hurt you again and you must protect yourself. I truly hope you don't decide not to press charges. This is all part of the consequences he needs to face for his bad decisions.
Please take care of yourself and don't hesitate to call the police if he comes to your home or tries to see you. If he is high, there is no telling what he might do.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: New York
Posts: 217
Trish ..... stay strong sweetheart. I know how hard this must be for you. It really is the best thing for him to stay away from you right now. You just dont know what state of mind he may be in if he comes to see you.
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