mercury44

Hello. I am new to this forum and am not sure if I am in the right place.
My bf of almost 2 years is an recovering alcoholic & drug addict. He was addicted to pain medication. He had celebrated his ONE year of sobriety in the spring...or so I thought. He lives in another state and we would see each other every month or so. There have been times throughout our relationship that he would drop off the face of the earth. As in, not call, return calls or texts. He always had some excuse for his absences. The absences were a constant source of anxiety for me since we lived so far apart. I would worry about him and his sobriety. He always has such wild mood swings. He recently decided to come visit for the summer. He came here and told me he was drinking again but he could "handle it". Then I found out he was buying pain pills off the street. Rapidly his drinking escalated to almost a case a night. When I asked him about his drinking he would grow very angry and threaten to leave. He walked out with all his stuff last month, only to call me the following day begging forgiveness and telling me was an alcoholic/addict and would get help. He admitted he had been drinking & pilling for many months, but I was unaware b/c we live in different states. I decided to give him another chance. It lasted 3 weeks...he went out one morning and said he would be back shortly, and never came home. When I called him, he screamed and cursed at me then Sent a friend to pick up his belongings. I haven't heard from him in a week. I am overcome with sadness & confusion. I am suffering from anxiety. I cannot believe this man would just up & disappear without talking to me. I know where he is staying, but I am trying to give him his space, so I haven't gone there to confront him. I tried texting him 2 times but he did not reply. I know he is withdrawing from pain pills he abuses...he goes thru this withdrawal every month b/c he takes too many pills and runs out 2 weeks b4 his prescription can be refilled. I have never dealt with addiction before and do not know how to handle this. I care very deeply about him but he is shutting me out of his life it seems.

suki44883

Sorry you are going through this, but you just have to give him space. He knows how to get in touch with you if and when he is ready.

ladyamalthea

Welcome

I hate that you're going through this too, but Suki is right. If you keep after him, it may only push him further away.

What have you done for yourself lately? Now would be a great time to go out with your girlfriends, get your nails done, find a good book to read, etc. The more you focus on yourself, the stronger you'll be if and when he comes back around.

One more suggestion... have you tried going to al anon or nar anon? If not, I hope you'll think about giving them a try. It's so soothing to be around others face to face who have been in our situation.

Hugs to you, and I hope you keep coming back.

Taking5

Sounds to me like he is still using. An active addict will find a way to get their DOC - legally or otherwise.

Take care of yourself, you cannot help this guy. He has to want to get better.

Spiritual Seeker

Addict/alcoholic that lives in another state that you are fearful of losing.... what is it that makes you believe this is the man for you?

It seems you will make the most progress by Focusing on yourself instead of him to get to a point of understanding what type of man is available for a relationship.

mercury44

He was tying up some loose ends and in the process of moving here to be with me. We were supposed to be married.

dollydo

Well, I for one would not persue the marriage thing.

Appears that he is active in his addiction, and, there is nothing you can do about it.

Have you read the stickeys? Work on you, he is responsible for his addiction, his recovery.

Hurtbad2505

Would you put up with this treatment if he weren't an addict? I don't think being an addict gives him a free pass to treat you with any less respect than you deserve. Why let someone treat you this way? My advice is to run as fast as you can in the other direction and don't look back

suki44883

The very last thing you should do is continue to think about marrying this guy. He's an addict and it's not clear whether or not he is still active. Even if he isn't still active, his treatment of you is horrendous. I agree that you should run in the opposite direction and not look back. No one needs that kind of misery in their life.

mercury44

Thank you all for your advice. This is the first time I have been in a relationship with a substance abuser. The hurt and confusion caused by his mood swings is almost too much to bear. I found this forum and so glad I did...it helps to know others have gone thru the same and made it. Right now, my heart is broken

Angelic17

daylite, I'm sorry that your going through this. This guy abandons you over and over again. What is it about being abandoned that keeps you coming back for more? You will have a horrible life with this man if you marry him. Love doesn't do a thing when it comes to addiction. It's a horrible disease, and loving an addict to me is torture. At least it was for me. Let him go and get the help he needs for himself. And you should move on in a positive direction,and find a healthy man for your life partner. I'm not saying there's no hope for him, because I hope he gets well.

There are enough problems in a healthy marriage. You don't need to marry a drug and alcohol addict who abandons you whenever he feels like going on a binge and isolating. He seems to know that you will always take him back. I hope you prove him wrong this time. Cut your ties and move on.

:ghug3:

mercury44

I keep trying to remind myself of all the disrespectful ways he has treated me. I know I cannot control his drinking/drug use. When we first got together, he claimed he was sober. I later found out that was not true. When I confronted him, he went into AA. He told me numerous times that I was the reason he got sober, because he longed for a 'normal life' with me. Since we live about 400 miles apart, whenever I did see him, he as able to 'keep it together'. I was in the dark about his drinking/drug usage. I knew he had mood swings and would isolate & ignore my calls/texts for days at a time...but whenhe came out of it, he would blame it on his depression and say it was all part if teh recovery process. What did I know...I care about him and wanted to believe him. When he came up tp spend the summer and I was actually living with him, he was drinking. I told him I did not allow alcohol in my house and questioned why he had abandoned his 1 yr of sobriety. It was then that he told me he hadn't been sober that whole year and that he was also addicted to pills. I set boundaries that he was not allowed to drink at my house or use pills. He broke them by coming home reeking of alcohol every night. When I asked him about it, he said he went to AA because of me, that he did not do it FOR HIMSELF...and that he was very unhappy when he was sober. That he thought he could control his drinking. Since I have no experience with substance abuse, I tried not to confront, hoping he would seek the help he needed on his own. He left that day as if nothing was wrong. I hear he has said I tried to control him and was in his business. He was very unhappy living in a sober house. Now he is somewhere where he can drink & take pills without anyone voicing concern. What kills me is the suddeness with which he has turned his back on me. How could he sit here one day saying he wanted a future, and begging me not to leave him, promising to get back into his AA meetings and then walk out without even a goodbye. My head is spinning...and he refuses to speak to me, as if I did something wrong. All I ever did was stand by him and be emotionally & financially supportive of him.

Angelic17

I'm sorry daylite, I can feel the hurt and abandonment that your feeling. You need to grieve and be done with him. Addicts love their drugs first and everything else comes after that. Don't you want to be number one in your mans life? You deserve nothing less.

mercury44

Thank you Angelic...what you said makes a lot of sense. I do deserve better, I am just trying to get thru all this hurt

Hurtbad2505

He probably doe want a future and to be sober. He may have meant every word he said to you...at the moment.

Even us parents of addicts see this...one minute professions of sobriety and promise to do the work. Next minute the drug calls to them and they really don't try all that hard to resist the pull. It's what addicts do and not a thing you could have said or done would have made a bit of difference. Please don't think it's about you...see you have no control over the addict or his decisions. It will come around again (the promises...and the excuses). You really don't want to spend years and years on that merry go round. Concentrate on your life and don't waste another minute wondering and worrying about 'how he could do that'. Its' what they do and until they make the decision to stop tis what they will continue to do.

Angelic17

Truer words were never said. It's what addicts do and nothing anyone says will make a difference. Addicts are master manipulators. They are very resourceful at getting what they want. Drug first, everything else after that, that's for sure.

daylite, you will get through this. Keep reading the posts from all of the people here who have been conned, and lied to by addicts. All of the people here who did the lying and the conning, and know that this has nothing to do with you. Maybe you feel bad about yourself. Or sad that you lost someone you love. Believe me, he did you a favor by leaving. You just can't see it yet. He will continually hurt you over and over. Because, that's what addicts do.
This is all about him, and it has nothing to do with you, or the kind of a person you are. Be strong, and know that we are here to support you through this tough time. It's always tough when a relationship ends, but I always like to think that it's over because something so much better is ahead. Addiction is a life long battle, and it's not easy. If you stay with this guy, this will be a constant thing. You can't trust him. It's that simple.

Go out and have some fun. The best thing for a broken heart, is to keep busy, and have a good time. Go out and meet new people. Move forward and enjoy your life. It's the end of a relationship. Not the end of the world for you. You have your whole life ahead of you. Enjoy it, and don't let a selfish drug addict ruin your happiness. He can only hurt you, if you let him. Don't let him. Use your intelligence and look at the big picture. He has nothing as far as stability to offer to you. And you definitely do deserve better. My son is an addict. I had to tell his girlfriend of nine years to move on with out him. She became a police officer, and he got further into his addictions. You have to be able to see the writing on the wall. It's plain as day. I understand your hurt and pain, but you will heal in time. I hope your hurt turns to anger quickly.
So here's a hug for now.


:ghug3: