ladyamalthea

My mom's birthday is this coming Monday. I have never missed her birthday, or that of my dad or my sister.

Here's the thing: the last time I talked with dh about the possibility of spending time with my parents, he was definitely not ready to let that happen. He doesn't have a problem with me seeing them, but my dad said some pretty heated things to dh/about him back around July 4th, when that mess happened with mom and dad wanting me to hide my sister.

I realize that was 6 weeks ago, and that eventually dad and dh are going to have to get over it and learn to get along. But is it pushy of me to encourage dh to be the mature party here, or should I not say anything and just let him take the initiative when he's ready? The last time we discussed family gatherings, we were talking about Christmas, and he didn't even want to consider the possibility that he would be welcome at my parents' for Christmas. It was that bad.

I know I can go see my parents for mom's birthday without dh, but it sure will feel wierd to not have him there.

I guess part of the reason this is on my mind is because I am hoping that this doesn't turn into a situation where I have to choose between my husband and my parents, short-term or long-term.

cece1960

Have you thought of taking your mom out to lunch...just the gals?

suki44883

I think the lunch idea is a good one. You can celebrate her birthday, be away from the houses and hopefully, have a nice time without sister drama or dad/dh drama.

Freedom1990

This is just my limited two cents. Are your DH's feelings any less valid than yours? If not, allow him the courtesy to have no contact with your father at this time as he wishes. It may feel weird not to have your DH with you when you celebrate your mother's birthday, but I guarantee that the discomfort won't kill you.

I think the suggestion of taking your mother out to lunch is a good one.

keepinon

It may be weird, but it sounds like your parents made it that way..I agree to let him move on in his own time.

wow1323

I agree as well. I know in my family my sister-in-law and mom don't like eachother at all, but through the years they learned to tolerate. It will come with time.

Chino

If my husband doesn't want to do something, I don't push it and he gives me the same courtesy in return.

endangered

That is quite the pickle huh? Well, speaking from experience I can say that IMHO it is definately best to respect hubby's wishes. My realtionship with my inlaws is HORRIBLE! It was of their own doing and I have been the mature one each time but there are only so many times that one is willing to hold out the olive branch only to be smacked with it.

Fortunately, time heals 'most' wounds. Our latest 'episode' was back in Feb. while AH was in rehab and we (me and inlaws) are just now on speaking terms again. I still keep my distance and probably always will. It can be a bit tense sometimes but I know now what is best for me and that's just what I gotta do. AH understands but wishes things were different. If this is a first....or even a second time thing your dh may well get over it in time. If he doesn't, he should still respect your relationship with them and maybe this will be a good opportunity to just build up that parental bond with them alone.

ladyamalthea

Yep, taking mom to lunch tomorrow.

Why do I get the feeling some of you think I'm some kind of selfish, spoiled brat??? I didn't mean to imply that I don't value dh's feelings... of course I do. The issue was not whether or not I should respect his wishes, but rather whether or not I needed to tell him how I felt as well. Because I like for him to tell me how he's feeling (although I know men are typically not like me in that regard, lol...)

I'm a little emotional right now, though... I just talked to my sister, and she made a comment about dad still being upset. I'm really struggling with being understanding of his feelings on this... HE asked ME to commit a felony. DH and I said no. I guess a part of me hurts over the fact that he still doesn't see that dh did what was best for us. Or maybe he sees it, but he doesn't care? Either way, this is not a good feeling.

I thought I was past this. Apparently not. Ugh...

keepinon

Are your parents in recovery? If not, I wouldn't expect them to "get" what they asked you to do was wrong because to them its all about "saving" your sister and you didn't hop on board the felony and enabling boat..obviously the decision of rational people. Letting go of your parents understanding your reasons may be the most helpful thing. You cannot get that kind of support from them. you have us here and your group at Alanon. Your parents are still in their disease..doesn't make them bad people, but you will drive yourself crazy trying to get them to "see" what they have done. Its the same as expecting your sister to understand what she's done..not gonna happen till recovery happens. No one thinks ur a brat either!:rotfxko

ladyamalthea

Yeah... something in this just hit me like a ton of bricks. I haven't been to Alanon in a few weeks because I've had meetings that have gotten in the way. Time to get back on track!

You're right; they are definitely not in recovery. I wish they would consider going to meetings, but they are clearly not ready yet. They are convinced that everyone else is the problem; anyone who is in recovery doesn't understand "their" situation.

Time to recenter and focus on me again.

Thanks for reeling me back in!