keepinon

Good news about the little one back w/ the mama. All that noise your son is making is called "quacking' ..helps me to picture them just waddling around sc:rotfxkoreeching at everything

Wisher

((readytolearn))
Sending hugs and prayers to you from one Grandma to another. I have struggled with trying to detach while protecting my GD too. I also have my AS's ex-wife who is very unstable and unpredictable. The only advice I can give you is to try with all your might to finds things to like about her, and stay on her good side. She is my lifeline to being able to see my GD. I pray that your son makes it through rehab and begins his life anew. And I pray for you and your husband and precious grandchild, that you will all know peace.

ready2learn

Wisher, thank you. I, too, try very hard to have a good relationship with AS's girlfriend. She is unstable and immature and so young, like our AS (21). Regardless of whether or not they stay together once he's out of rehab, I intend to do my best to have a relationship with our grandson, so that means keeping an "open door" policy with her. They were living with us, but now that AS is in rehab she has moved in with her grandmother (here in the same town). We never know from one day to the next what will happen, do we? Hang in there with your little one. Children need caring grandparents, and we grandparents need to be around those little ones to remind us of those days of innocence and wonder. God bless you.

Wisher

God bless you, too, Ready2learn and Thank you.
You are so right that we never know what will happen one day to the next. That's why I have really tried to live in the moment and not obsess about the future anymore. Ever since my GD was born, I was riddled with the fear of my AS losing custody, and in turn my husband, daughter and I not having her in our life.
I now really try to just enjoy the time that I am with her, instead of having that time being shadowed with worry.
Even now, that my son is facing jail time, which will surely affect his custody, I am just trying to live each day as it comes, and not allow myself to obsess about the future. I am a work in progress, because I have bad days, but sometimes the days are good.
Well, didn't mean to babble on, just know that my prayers are surely with you and I understand what you are going through.

devastated

just read your post about your son and his girlfriend.

As you may or may not know, I'm in quite a similar situation here as I am now raising my great grandaughter and my husband and I are 70 and 73 years old.

It's difficult to have a relationship with someone who is "unstable"! I would watch very carefully how she is handling the child. If I saw any form of neglect or abuse, I would not hesitate to report it to CPS. It is not fair for a child to grow up with parents who are focused on themselves. THis child has a right to grow up in a healthy, happy environment (that's were you come in!)

Our great-grandaughter has been with us for 6 months now and she is adjusting so well. The parents rights have been severed and we will be adopting her in about 6 months.

Take care, keep your eyes open. Do not let her manipulate you 'cause you have way too much on her!

Good luck, Devastated

ready2learn

There is a reason we can't see into the future. If we knew the hard times ahead, we would be hopeless. If only good times, we would think we didn't need our HP. Our worst fear for our GS became reality when AS's girlfriend decided to move to her mother's, out of state. One day our GS was here, the next they were gone. Her mother will enable her and do everything in her power to keep her daughter and the baby with her. Her mother is in complete denial that her daughter is emotionally unstable. We are devastated right now, but know that we will have to move forward. We intend to go to court to establish AS's paternity and seek visitation for us and AS (when he can have visits at rehab), but first we have to find the $2000 for attorney fees. AS was hysterical, sobbing, broken when I had to tell him his son is gone. I thought that surely he would bolt from rehab, but he did not. He's been there over 2 weeks now, and he says he wants to complete the 12 month program. I hope that he does. But he is very immature and expects that we will "fix" this situation for him, despite our limited financial resources. When he recovers to the point that he can say to us, "I brought most of my problems on myself because of my addiction and poor judgement" I will know that he is ready to begin accepting responsibility. AS is where he needs to be. I will have to trust my HP that our GS is where he is supposed to be. I am grateful for every minute I spent with him.

devastated

I believe the GF's Mom will catch on to her erractic behavior. It is going to be pretty difficult to hide erractic behavior for any length of time.

As difficult as this is for you, it is something that should be handled by AS when he returns. Maybe this is the incentive he needs to clean up?

Just remember, what is going to happen will happen no matter how much you stress over it. Relax and handle it as it happens.

My X-daughter In law hid the children from us for years. Even after we went to court 6 times and established GP Rights! She didn't obey one word the court said.

Here it is 22 years later and now I have HER GRANDCHILD, my great-grandchild, and she can't see her because she is UNFIT. Funny how things come around huh? I don't even have to run and hide 'cause the court says she cannot see her. She sends cards and sad poems. Oh well, she should have believed in Karma!

This, too, shall pass, trust me.

Hugs, Devastated

ready2learn

Devastated, thank you for your reply. I can't imagine how you must have felt, battling her for years to try to see your grandchildren, and then have her ignore the court ordered visitation. My wound is so fresh right now that I can only grieve...I will have to work through that before I can move forward. Our state court has the sole authority to rule on GS's custody/visitation for 6 months - she cannot do anything legally in her state before that time expires. Lots can happen between now and then. My H and I would like to get visitation here so that we can bring the baby to visit AS in rehab and maintain the bond AS has with his child. That would be good motivation for him to stay with the program and clean up his act. After he gets out and can work to support his child it will be up to him to start a new drug-free life. I feel H and I have to take action for visitation while our court has jurisdiction - our state court will be more favorable towards us than an out of state court. Yesterday was a hard, hard day for me. I cried most of the day. As soon as I woke up I wished it was bedtime. I'm going to have to get control of my thinking - all I can think about is how much I hurt, and my imagination gravitates towards the worst possible outcomes. This, too, shall pass s l o w l y.

Wisher

((ready2learn))
I am so sorry you are going through this. As I stated before, I have feared losing my GD since the moment she was born. But please, don't fall into the trap that I do and think that this situation will be permanent. As you very well know, things can change radically in one day, as in maybe your GS will be back tomorrow, this girl sounds very flighty, so it could very well happen.

I am so glad your AS is still in rehab. That speaks volumes. Maybe this will be it for him.

Keep coming here and drawing strength. Keep praying.

I am praying for you too. God bless you and your family. You will get through this.

devastated

Ready2Learn

Trust what I'm about to say. You must keep the faith! You must hold yourself together. No more crying and no more worrying 'cause these are wasted energies. Instead, put this energy into thinking positive and believing everything works out the way it is suppose to.

If, for some reason, it doesn't work out the way you wanted it to, just remember there is a reason for this too.

Remember, when you're worrying you're not praying; and when you're praying you're not worrying!

You are right about one thing and that is, "this, too, shall pass!"

As far as your son's motivation goes, he can only be motivated if he wants to be. We would like to believe that the child would change his thinking, and maybe it will, but that's up to him. If he needs to physically see the child to be motivated, then that isn't going to work. The child should be etched in his heart and mind without even seeing him in person, just as he is in your heart and mind now. Therefore, don't worry if you don't get to bring the baby to the rehab to visit your son.

Hugs, Devastated

ready2learn

My friends, thank you so much for your words of encouragement. They are sorely needed by me right now. I've been on an antidepressant for several months, just to deal with AS and GF's constant arguments under our roof. Now my doctor wants to increase the dose temporarily, which I'm hesitant about, but it may be necessary until I can get my head and heart in a better place about the baby's absence in our lives. I know I have to face it squarely and come to terms with it. Regardless of what happens with AS, my H and I would like to have our own relationship with our little grandson. Heaven knows, in these situations the children need as much love and stability as they can get - people really looking out for their best interests. It's so unfortunate that GF's mother is so unpleasant. Rational people look for long term solutions that work for everyone. She's conveniently overlooked that we took her daughter in to live with us for over a year and we treated her with respect and kindness, despite her obvious emotional issues. I have a strong faith and am clinging to my faith to sustain me in the trying times ahead. I learned after Hurricane Katrina that your life as you know it can change in a day, and that you have to pick yourself up and go on. I, myself, didn't know my own father for fifty years, and then out of the blue one day an investigator contacted me to tell me that my father had hired him to find me. We have been reunited and love each other dearly; he lives with us now. So, I know that miracles do happen. Right now, I am counting on the support of all of you dear people to keep getting me from day to day. The support of people who have lived through this experience helps, because you share my fears and uncertainties. If you can survive, so will I. We are meeting AS's rehab group for church in the morning. It is just enough contact to lift our spirits, with limited time for him to complain too much. The best thing we can do is to move out of the way to let God do His work.