Need outside perspectives
aka Miss Scarlett O'Hara
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 364
Need outside perspectives
Hello
I haven't been around in a while. I pop in from time to time to read, but haven't posted in a while... but I could use some advise or other people's thoughts on my situation.
A few months ago, I was ready to leave my abf. I had found a place to stay etc. and finally felt ready to go. Then.. I was unexpectedly laid off which threw me for a loop and made me feel financially insecure. I decided to wait a little bit until I got back on my feet and felt more stable.
Abf and I own a rental property business together. Since I've been home I've noticed how horribly it is running. I do make some outside money because I've picked up some steady freelance work. But I've decided that I can't just stand by and watch my business be run like crap so I'm taking on more responsibility with it... which in the end I think will work out for the best.
Anyway, we are having issues with financing. With a combination of this dang economy and the bank we've been working with making internal changes we've had some major issues this year. We are now closed on two properties that we need to refinance with another bank in order to get the money for the repairs. We owe a lot of money in taxes yet that we plan to use the extra money from the refinancing to pay off. So it is VERY important that this refinancing goes through. It keeps getting delayed for one reason or another. And I feel like if I leave now, that abf will not cooperate in getting this done. So I keep staying... "just one more week". "Just one more week" has kept me here for the last couple of months. I really just want to get out of here. I can't stand the ups and downs and depression (on his end) etc and I don't want to deal with it anymore. I could be "just one more week"ing it for the next two months the way things are going. But he's so unpredictable that I'm afraid that he just will quit doing anything and not participate in getting these loans done if I leave.
I also don't like feeling like I'm enabling him in the mean-time. I don't like feeling like I'm contributing to his addiction. If he has to hit bottom to get better (not that he'll automatically get better if he does), my staying could just be delaying his ability to get better.. and I don't want to be aiding in him hurting himself.
I don't know what to do. I'm so tired. Along with losing my job, taking on new responsibilities with the business and dealing with my abf and the crap associated with that, my grandma just had a stroke and is in a nursing home. I'm just feeling run down and I don't know what to do. Any thoughts on my situation would be really appreciated!
I haven't been around in a while. I pop in from time to time to read, but haven't posted in a while... but I could use some advise or other people's thoughts on my situation.
A few months ago, I was ready to leave my abf. I had found a place to stay etc. and finally felt ready to go. Then.. I was unexpectedly laid off which threw me for a loop and made me feel financially insecure. I decided to wait a little bit until I got back on my feet and felt more stable.
Abf and I own a rental property business together. Since I've been home I've noticed how horribly it is running. I do make some outside money because I've picked up some steady freelance work. But I've decided that I can't just stand by and watch my business be run like crap so I'm taking on more responsibility with it... which in the end I think will work out for the best.
Anyway, we are having issues with financing. With a combination of this dang economy and the bank we've been working with making internal changes we've had some major issues this year. We are now closed on two properties that we need to refinance with another bank in order to get the money for the repairs. We owe a lot of money in taxes yet that we plan to use the extra money from the refinancing to pay off. So it is VERY important that this refinancing goes through. It keeps getting delayed for one reason or another. And I feel like if I leave now, that abf will not cooperate in getting this done. So I keep staying... "just one more week". "Just one more week" has kept me here for the last couple of months. I really just want to get out of here. I can't stand the ups and downs and depression (on his end) etc and I don't want to deal with it anymore. I could be "just one more week"ing it for the next two months the way things are going. But he's so unpredictable that I'm afraid that he just will quit doing anything and not participate in getting these loans done if I leave.
I also don't like feeling like I'm enabling him in the mean-time. I don't like feeling like I'm contributing to his addiction. If he has to hit bottom to get better (not that he'll automatically get better if he does), my staying could just be delaying his ability to get better.. and I don't want to be aiding in him hurting himself.
I don't know what to do. I'm so tired. Along with losing my job, taking on new responsibilities with the business and dealing with my abf and the crap associated with that, my grandma just had a stroke and is in a nursing home. I'm just feeling run down and I don't know what to do. Any thoughts on my situation would be really appreciated!
aka Miss Scarlett O'Hara
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 364
Well, I guess the thing is that I'm so tired of trying to rely on him that I've just taken over everything. I do all the house work because I got tired of waiting for him to do it and I don't want to argue all the time because it doesn't help. And now I'm taking over business stuff because I'm tired of it not getting done right. I just keep taking everything over that he's not doing so it does feel like enabling, but I feel like I need to do it to keep my own sanity.
And no, I haven't been going to alanon. I went one time a long while back, but I don't bring up his addiction because it does no good to argue and fight about it. He's in denial and we've gone round and round and I'm done. I don't feel like I can tell him I'm going to alanon without it bringing up the fact that I know he has a problem. And I'm so tired of arguing I don't even want to say anything until I'm out the door. I don't want to lie and say I'm going somewhere else. I stopped going to my counselor because I was basically just paying someone to listen to me and wasn't getting any kind of real feedback and having lost my job I didn't want to spend the money. I don't want to start over talking to someone new. I just want to be done with all this crap. I'm tired of waiting for things to get in order and it seems like it's just one thing after another.
And no, I haven't been going to alanon. I went one time a long while back, but I don't bring up his addiction because it does no good to argue and fight about it. He's in denial and we've gone round and round and I'm done. I don't feel like I can tell him I'm going to alanon without it bringing up the fact that I know he has a problem. And I'm so tired of arguing I don't even want to say anything until I'm out the door. I don't want to lie and say I'm going somewhere else. I stopped going to my counselor because I was basically just paying someone to listen to me and wasn't getting any kind of real feedback and having lost my job I didn't want to spend the money. I don't want to start over talking to someone new. I just want to be done with all this crap. I'm tired of waiting for things to get in order and it seems like it's just one thing after another.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Not a lawyer, but are you sure it's a wise move to be on loans with a drug addict? I know my addict burnt me on some joint loans.
It does sound like you're doing what you think is best financially, that just stood out to me.
It does sound like you're doing what you think is best financially, that just stood out to me.
aka Miss Scarlett O'Hara
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 364
Callie - LOL... no, I'm not at all sure it's good to be on loans with a drug addict. However, we already have 25 together (before I knew he had a problem), so I'm not sure a couple more are really going to hurt at this point. And I need the money to pay taxes so I don't really have a choice. I'm more afraid at this point of not getting the loan because we already own the houses. We just don't have the money to fix them. No fixy.. no renty.. no income.. no way to pay mortgages on those properties except scraping by with income from the others which is tight. So yeah, the fact that having loans with an addict being a bad idea did not escape me in the least. It actually totally freaks me out!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
JT - I have rentals too. 1 of them is still with xah and it's a shakey territory. Like you, I have to step up and do what he's not. I just read your post and thought of my own experience. Yes, you're probably right 2 more to a 25 is nothing. Do you have something legally in place as business owners should he become incapable of managing them?
I know that xah and I jointly dealt with chasing down rent. He was a high functioning addict. Towards the end though, he didn't know up from down, right from left.
I know all too well about getting the ducks in a row. It's a necessary step. Just don't linger there too long, like I did ~
I know that xah and I jointly dealt with chasing down rent. He was a high functioning addict. Towards the end though, he didn't know up from down, right from left.
I know all too well about getting the ducks in a row. It's a necessary step. Just don't linger there too long, like I did ~
aka Miss Scarlett O'Hara
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 364
Thanks Callie. I remember that you had rentals. His mom was living in one if I remember correctly? My abf also was out of control with xanax... that's when I found out he had a problem. He could hide the other stuff from me, but when he was put on that crap, look out! Luckily, his doc took him off and he hasn't looked to find it elsewhere. Now he's dealing with depression issues and just sits in his chair doing nothing but watching tv. It's depressing to be here and it's hard that he's physically here, but I still don't have a partner in life or business.
In terms of staying too long.. yep, I think I did that already. 10 years, but only the last year or so did I really understand his problems with addiction and the entirety of what that means.
Thanks for the comments. It makes me feel better to hear others' thoughts. I think I kind of wanted people to say, quit waiting and just do it. To tell me that I can still take care of this stuff after we're apart. I know that's probably not the smart thing to do seeing as he'll only become more unreliable at that point. I'm 33 years old and I wanted a family and i just feel that slipping away from me every extra day I spend. But at the same time I don't want the stress of what could happen financially if this doesn't go as it should. Blah! I can see a new life for myself and I know it can be good and I'm so tired of sitting around waiting for it with a bump on a log. lol But it shouldn't be too much longer, and I guess I can hang in there.
In terms of staying too long.. yep, I think I did that already. 10 years, but only the last year or so did I really understand his problems with addiction and the entirety of what that means.
Thanks for the comments. It makes me feel better to hear others' thoughts. I think I kind of wanted people to say, quit waiting and just do it. To tell me that I can still take care of this stuff after we're apart. I know that's probably not the smart thing to do seeing as he'll only become more unreliable at that point. I'm 33 years old and I wanted a family and i just feel that slipping away from me every extra day I spend. But at the same time I don't want the stress of what could happen financially if this doesn't go as it should. Blah! I can see a new life for myself and I know it can be good and I'm so tired of sitting around waiting for it with a bump on a log. lol But it shouldn't be too much longer, and I guess I can hang in there.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
Just wondering, why can't you continue to take care of rental issues from somewhere else? Why do you have to be in the same "house" w/ABF? So there's your "I think I kind of wanted people to say, quit waiting and just do it. To tell me that I can still take care of this stuff after we're apart." Seems like the serene answer to me. IMO
aka Miss Scarlett O'Hara
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 364
I would rather not try to sell right now. It's not going to be a quick process and there's no buyers market for rentals right now. Not only are banks not lending to investors here, but the market is just terrible. I worked too hard to just give up and cut my losses. I'm not to that point yet!
JMF- I could maybe take care of this from somewhere else. But I need abf's participation and I don't think I'll get that if I leave. He's the type to wallow in self-defeat in a situation like this (and drop off the face of the earth) and I'm afraid somehow the loans will end up falling through.
JMF- I could maybe take care of this from somewhere else. But I need abf's participation and I don't think I'll get that if I leave. He's the type to wallow in self-defeat in a situation like this (and drop off the face of the earth) and I'm afraid somehow the loans will end up falling through.
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