In a relationship with a recovering addict
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Join Date: Aug 2010
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In a relationship with a recovering addict
Hi everyone,
This is my first post and I'm sure it's a story that's been heard before, but I need some help.
I have been dating my boyfriend for about a year. He confessed to me about 6 months into our relationship that he was addicted to painkillers (Oxycontin/Lortab). At the time, he wanted to attempt to withdraw from the drugs on his own, which I was not in complete agreement with, but I supported. I encouraged him to seek out a program or a counselor to at least deal with the ongoing ramifications of a drug addiction. He managed to withdraw for a brief period, but relapsed within a month. At that time, I encouraged him once more to seek out a drug counselor or an outpatient program (he owns a company and cannot do an inpatient treatment at this time).
He found a counselor whom he trusted and she started working with him on a weekly basis. In the past week, he has decided to participate in a 10-week outpatient program that meets 4 times a week and is very intensive. A few days ago, he sat me down and told me that he loved me, but he couldn't bear to drag me through this painful process. He wanted us to take a step back from our relationship and for me to support him as a "friend" and leave the door open for a future reconciliation. I was somewhat blindsided and I'm so sad to think of him not being apart of my life in the way that he has been. I guess, in my mind and in my heart, he was the "One", he was/is it for me. So letting go doesn't seem possible.
Obviously, as someone who loves him, I want nothing more than for him to be healthy, well and in control of this awful disease. I know the statistics, I know that relapse is not only possible but likely. I know the risks of building a life with him only to have this problem reappear down the road. But I'm not sure how to be his support system and his friend and not love him in the "boyfriend" sense of the word. My question is just how to do the best for him and for myself. Do I step away and let him work through his demons and be there if he needs me? Do we continue our relationship while he is in recovery? Would it be out of the question for me to find a local Nar-Anon meeting even if we're no longer romantically involved but I am supporting him as a friend?
I'm overwhelmed and I know he is too. He is desperately afraid of failure and letting me or his family down. I know it's cliche, but I love him for who he is and even with this flaw, I want to help and be there for him.
Thoughts? Advice? Thanks so much for anything words of wisdom; it is truly appreciated.
This is my first post and I'm sure it's a story that's been heard before, but I need some help.
I have been dating my boyfriend for about a year. He confessed to me about 6 months into our relationship that he was addicted to painkillers (Oxycontin/Lortab). At the time, he wanted to attempt to withdraw from the drugs on his own, which I was not in complete agreement with, but I supported. I encouraged him to seek out a program or a counselor to at least deal with the ongoing ramifications of a drug addiction. He managed to withdraw for a brief period, but relapsed within a month. At that time, I encouraged him once more to seek out a drug counselor or an outpatient program (he owns a company and cannot do an inpatient treatment at this time).
He found a counselor whom he trusted and she started working with him on a weekly basis. In the past week, he has decided to participate in a 10-week outpatient program that meets 4 times a week and is very intensive. A few days ago, he sat me down and told me that he loved me, but he couldn't bear to drag me through this painful process. He wanted us to take a step back from our relationship and for me to support him as a "friend" and leave the door open for a future reconciliation. I was somewhat blindsided and I'm so sad to think of him not being apart of my life in the way that he has been. I guess, in my mind and in my heart, he was the "One", he was/is it for me. So letting go doesn't seem possible.
Obviously, as someone who loves him, I want nothing more than for him to be healthy, well and in control of this awful disease. I know the statistics, I know that relapse is not only possible but likely. I know the risks of building a life with him only to have this problem reappear down the road. But I'm not sure how to be his support system and his friend and not love him in the "boyfriend" sense of the word. My question is just how to do the best for him and for myself. Do I step away and let him work through his demons and be there if he needs me? Do we continue our relationship while he is in recovery? Would it be out of the question for me to find a local Nar-Anon meeting even if we're no longer romantically involved but I am supporting him as a friend?
I'm overwhelmed and I know he is too. He is desperately afraid of failure and letting me or his family down. I know it's cliche, but I love him for who he is and even with this flaw, I want to help and be there for him.
Thoughts? Advice? Thanks so much for anything words of wisdom; it is truly appreciated.
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in my own world~
Posts: 1,237
Hi lee, As a mom of an addict I have witnessed, I hope, recovery. My son was into cocaine and has been trying for 2 years to straighten out his life. All the while living with 2 different women. I'm not for one minute blaming the girls here but I have seen what can take place while having nothing to deal with except himself and work. He is now living with us and will shortly be getting his own place. If you give your guy the space he needs right now to help himself to "think" you may be on the right the fence. Let him contact you and respect his wishes for now. Yes~ go to meetings so you can learn as much as possible about loving an addict. Hopefully you'll have a good turn-out here and can reconnect with your bf soon.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,853
Welcome to SR! Sorry you are dealing with this but there are many people here who understand what you are going through.
Just from what you have written, it sounds to me like he has already told you what he wants. If he is to give recovery his best shot, it would have to be his number one priority. I know that you love him, but if you truly want what is best for him, then you should abide by his wishes and step back.
Nar-anon would be great for you during this time. You would have a chance to learn how to be supportive while still protecting yourself and your own serenity. I know that you say you are willing to live with this problem, but unless you have truly lived with a full-blown addict, you have no idea what you are saying or letting yourself in for. Read around the site and you will see the stories of many people who have lived with addiction in their family. It is not a pretty picture. All the love in the world will not cure addiction.
Once again, welcome to SR. I hope you'll stick around and do a lot of reading and posting. We are here to support you!
Just from what you have written, it sounds to me like he has already told you what he wants. If he is to give recovery his best shot, it would have to be his number one priority. I know that you love him, but if you truly want what is best for him, then you should abide by his wishes and step back.
Nar-anon would be great for you during this time. You would have a chance to learn how to be supportive while still protecting yourself and your own serenity. I know that you say you are willing to live with this problem, but unless you have truly lived with a full-blown addict, you have no idea what you are saying or letting yourself in for. Read around the site and you will see the stories of many people who have lived with addiction in their family. It is not a pretty picture. All the love in the world will not cure addiction.
Once again, welcome to SR. I hope you'll stick around and do a lot of reading and posting. We are here to support you!
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,249
lee0608, Welcome to this site, and you will get alot of support here. Every person here understands addiction and what it does to family and friends. We aren't supposed to give advice, but we are allowed to be honest and share our experiences.
I can understand your feelings for your addict boyfriend. And I also understand that addicts are human beings and most of them are very good people. However, most addicts don't love themselves. Therefore they aren't capable of loving somebody else. Give your boyfriend the time he needs to get well. Recovering from opiate addiction is a tough thing to do, but it can be done. It takes a while, and it's not just an overnite thing. He needs to focus on himself right now. And it will be over a year before his brain is even half way healed. If you love him, set him free. At least he is being honest with you, and that's a good thing. It's really hard to end a relationship with someone that you love, but sometimes when you step back calmly, things work out so much better.
Good things come to those who wait. Be patient, there's no quick fix to addiction.
I can understand your feelings for your addict boyfriend. And I also understand that addicts are human beings and most of them are very good people. However, most addicts don't love themselves. Therefore they aren't capable of loving somebody else. Give your boyfriend the time he needs to get well. Recovering from opiate addiction is a tough thing to do, but it can be done. It takes a while, and it's not just an overnite thing. He needs to focus on himself right now. And it will be over a year before his brain is even half way healed. If you love him, set him free. At least he is being honest with you, and that's a good thing. It's really hard to end a relationship with someone that you love, but sometimes when you step back calmly, things work out so much better.
Good things come to those who wait. Be patient, there's no quick fix to addiction.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3
Thank you for the replies everyone. I think my mind knows what he needs and my heart just doesn't want to believe it. The one thing that keeps resonating in my head over and over is this saying: "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it's yours forever." I think it applies here. I have to let him go, let him deal with this and figure out who he is in recovery, without the pills. As much as it hurts me, to truly love him is to want what's best for him and give him the best path to recovery that I can.
I know I will be okay, whether things work out with him in the future or not. But the uncertainty, the sudden life change and the destruction of some dreams is a little too much for me today. Thanks again for your words. It helps to know that others have been where I am.
I know I will be okay, whether things work out with him in the future or not. But the uncertainty, the sudden life change and the destruction of some dreams is a little too much for me today. Thanks again for your words. It helps to know that others have been where I am.
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Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Lee,
I'm sorry about your situation but I'm glad that your BF is seeking recovery. My husband (at the time BF) and I stayed together through his addiction, early recovery, and now sobriety. I wish that he had had the strength to step away while he worked on his issues and I wish that I had had the strength to do the same. I think that if we had done it that way then we might have had a shot at happiness. I felt that he was "the one" and stood by him.
And now I see what it has cost me. Anyone that has ended up with an addiction has more going on than abuse of a substance. And I'll also own that anyone that ends up with an addict has more going on than the relationship. We all have a lot to work on and I wish that we had done it not in a relationship. The wonderful thing about Naranon and Alanon is that they help you to learn how to best take care of yourself and not about supporting the addict or alcoholic.
I know that it is hard to deal with this but try and respect what he says are his needs. Sending you good thouughts.
I'm sorry about your situation but I'm glad that your BF is seeking recovery. My husband (at the time BF) and I stayed together through his addiction, early recovery, and now sobriety. I wish that he had had the strength to step away while he worked on his issues and I wish that I had had the strength to do the same. I think that if we had done it that way then we might have had a shot at happiness. I felt that he was "the one" and stood by him.
And now I see what it has cost me. Anyone that has ended up with an addiction has more going on than abuse of a substance. And I'll also own that anyone that ends up with an addict has more going on than the relationship. We all have a lot to work on and I wish that we had done it not in a relationship. The wonderful thing about Naranon and Alanon is that they help you to learn how to best take care of yourself and not about supporting the addict or alcoholic.
I know that it is hard to deal with this but try and respect what he says are his needs. Sending you good thouughts.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,249
lee0608, I forgot to mention in my last post, that stepping back while he gets well, isn't neccessarily the end of your relationship, but most likely the beginning to a much healthier one. As lightseeker says, There usually is so much more going on with the addict, than just the addiction. It's usually something like a bad childhood, some sort of abuse or abandonment, or possibly an illness that he is self medicating. Getting the professional help he needs will help him figure out what his problem really is. And rehabilitation will help give him the tools to deal with whatever it is without using drugs.
Naranon/Alanon is a wonderful place for you to get support and learn. Take care of yourself, and let him take care of himself. You seem to understand that he needs this.
Naranon/Alanon is a wonderful place for you to get support and learn. Take care of yourself, and let him take care of himself. You seem to understand that he needs this.
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 69
Ditto the mental and emotional baggage that comes with addiction. The addiction itself is only half the battle.
Sounds like he really does need to focus on himself and is not able to be there for you right now in the way that you deserve.
Just my two cents...
Sounds like he really does need to focus on himself and is not able to be there for you right now in the way that you deserve.
Just my two cents...
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
Be glad that he has found a program which he really feels will help him. Also the fact that he sat down with you to tell you in a sincere way what he needed to to says a lot about his love for you.
Step back and support him from a distance. It won't be easy and it seems counter-intuitive to what a relationship is about (support through ups and downs). But trust me when I tell you that you will want to be FAR away when the recovery starts full tilt because that means mood swings, personality changes etc etc. It isn't pleasant to witness or experience, no matter how sweet the person in recovery is. It will directly affect you and not in nice ways.
So back away gracefully because he is actually giving you a warning about the difficulties ahead. As loving people we think that if we support and become involved in someones recovery that it will help them when I find that the opposite is true. As someone pointed out, it is a deeply personal journey for the addict. Your relationship may go down in flames as a result so salvage what you can
It is about protecting yourself first and foremost and respecting him as well. What you share is still valuable to him so he will most likely reach out to you when he is ready to resume.
Step back and support him from a distance. It won't be easy and it seems counter-intuitive to what a relationship is about (support through ups and downs). But trust me when I tell you that you will want to be FAR away when the recovery starts full tilt because that means mood swings, personality changes etc etc. It isn't pleasant to witness or experience, no matter how sweet the person in recovery is. It will directly affect you and not in nice ways.
So back away gracefully because he is actually giving you a warning about the difficulties ahead. As loving people we think that if we support and become involved in someones recovery that it will help them when I find that the opposite is true. As someone pointed out, it is a deeply personal journey for the addict. Your relationship may go down in flames as a result so salvage what you can
It is about protecting yourself first and foremost and respecting him as well. What you share is still valuable to him so he will most likely reach out to you when he is ready to resume.
scorpgrl1978
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Little Rock, AR
Posts: 52
Hi lee0608. i have been in your exact shoes. at least he was honest in telling you that he can't be a good boyfriend to you, or anyone for that matter, right now. Obviously, he still cares for you, and if you would have him and still be there when he was done, he'd be open to a reconciliation. But for now, he realizes it isn't fair to you for you to hold onto him while he goes through this, because it might be a very, very long process for him, its all hard to say at this time and juncture. Look at it this way: if its meant to be with him, it will be. Whether its 5 months or 2 years from now, if you two are supposed to be together, than you will be. He's warning you not to get emotionally attached to him right now because he's not stable and able to give you what you deserve from an emotional attachment to him. He's being realistic, and he's actually looking out for your best interests.
I think your first reactions should be to tell yourself, in a way, he's right. You can first build the foundation of a friendship with him through this process. And for yourself: get informed on addiction and co-dependency, and how to work the 12 steps, and just learn more so you can understand from his perspective what this disease is and not take his actions right now personally. I think your best course of actions is educating and taking care of yourself. he's a grown man, let him do this on his own for now. Just be his friend, and when he's ready to offer you a stable healthy relationship, let him come to you when he's gone through the steps first. This may be awhile, so keep in mind for now that you are free to meet others as well; u never know sometimes who or what life has in store for you, so don't sell yourself short. just let time take its course, and things will fall into place as they are supposed to. I wish you good luck!
I think your first reactions should be to tell yourself, in a way, he's right. You can first build the foundation of a friendship with him through this process. And for yourself: get informed on addiction and co-dependency, and how to work the 12 steps, and just learn more so you can understand from his perspective what this disease is and not take his actions right now personally. I think your best course of actions is educating and taking care of yourself. he's a grown man, let him do this on his own for now. Just be his friend, and when he's ready to offer you a stable healthy relationship, let him come to you when he's gone through the steps first. This may be awhile, so keep in mind for now that you are free to meet others as well; u never know sometimes who or what life has in store for you, so don't sell yourself short. just let time take its course, and things will fall into place as they are supposed to. I wish you good luck!
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
My situation sounds just like yours but I stayed through the relapses and drug programs and another relapse and then jail and another drug program. It was 2 years of this up and down craziness and he too was addicted to an opiate (Heroin). He is now a year clean but still working on himself and his depression and sefl defeating thoughts and guilt associated from when he was using. He has a loooooong way to go and I'm not willing to go through another relapse with him. Will it happen? I have no clue. Is it possible? Well, given the odds so far I would have to say yes. I am not willing to support anyone else in addiction and/or recovery as the possibility of relapse is there. I know nothing is guaranteed with anyone (addict or no addict) but I do know what I have been through with an active addict and recovering addict and it's not compatible with me nor my lifestyle.
I really like my exabf as a person and wished that we could be friends but due to the crazymaking and drama and no sense of personal boundaries a friendship wasn't possible for me. I had to completely detach for my emotional well being and my son's.
The only feedback I can give, is to respect him for letting you go. The reasons could be that he wants to focus on himself and/or he knows something inside of him isn't ready and he's protecting you from bringing into the depths of hell of addiction. Consider it a blessing. Not all addicts detach or are capable of such.
I wish that my exabf would have been man enough to say that to me rather than fill my head with empty promises of getting better but then again I believed it and where does that put me? I now look at people's actions. Forget the words (they mean nothing to me).
Best of luck and keep us posted. There is much support here.
Welcome to SR!
I really like my exabf as a person and wished that we could be friends but due to the crazymaking and drama and no sense of personal boundaries a friendship wasn't possible for me. I had to completely detach for my emotional well being and my son's.
The only feedback I can give, is to respect him for letting you go. The reasons could be that he wants to focus on himself and/or he knows something inside of him isn't ready and he's protecting you from bringing into the depths of hell of addiction. Consider it a blessing. Not all addicts detach or are capable of such.
I wish that my exabf would have been man enough to say that to me rather than fill my head with empty promises of getting better but then again I believed it and where does that put me? I now look at people's actions. Forget the words (they mean nothing to me).
Best of luck and keep us posted. There is much support here.
Welcome to SR!
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