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Brother getting out of hospital - i don't know how to act towards him

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Brother getting out of hospital - i don't know how to act towards him

Old 08-02-2010, 11:18 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Hi Damiank,

It might help you to read the thread called "It seems like there is no hope for addicts" in this section.

I think you will relate to a lot of it.

Kari
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Old 08-02-2010, 11:46 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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I guess i keep hoping for the right person to get in his face, and change him.

The only "right person" for this job is in his mirror.

You don't need to abandon your bro in order to detach. You just might want to try leaving everything about his addiction to him.

AlAnon helped me learn about all the ways I was enabling my bros addiction. One of the more subtle enabling traps I had fallen into was every time I chose to bring up their drinking, and I chose to point them in a "recovery" direction, or I chose to try and scare them, shame them, or bully them into making a change, I made the argument become something between me and them - so they could fight and defend and justify and bluster and quack at me. I was actually eliminating chances for SELF-reflection. Arguing with me was a handy distractor and a handy justification (God she pisses me off) for going and cracking open a beer.

I stopped initiating ALL conversations where alcohol was a subject. And if they bring it up I limit my responses to "Oh." and "Hunh." or "I see."

I mean - they are men- is there really anything I can say that they do not know!? I am not a recovered alcoholic! I can't help them.

At the same time I realized how much I had let my focus on their addiciton limit my vision of them. It took some effort but I just had to find other areas in which to connect. A movie. A book. A newspaper article. (not about addiction/recovery!! ;-)

I didn't want a front row seat to their self-destruction so I also saw them less. This improved my mental health A LOT! And I never felt like I was abandoning them. In fact when I stopped making our relationship all about the addiction I was able to salvage what remained of an authentic relationship. Which I have to admit is not so much - but that's the problem w/ addiction, that's just the REALITY!

Glad you're here! It is hard - but you are not alone!
peace-
B
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Old 08-03-2010, 04:50 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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quick update - He's out of the hospital. My mom and her husband picked him up. He's grouchy, maybe because of the steroids they gave him, or he's just being his old self? I just don't have anything to contribute to the situation, so i'm staying away; until Sunday when i go to visit for the awesome home cooked meal Thanks for all the comments, it helped me see it differently. - D
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Old 08-03-2010, 05:53 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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@damaink...he has to do the WORK and so do you...go to a meeting FOR YOU...and take the tools and learn to use them....all in time...it will come together...trust me...I have recovering AA members, 25 years, 13 years, 5 years....It works if you work it....
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