It seems their is no hope for an addict....
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Join Date: May 2008
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just wanted to add I've never spent this much time contemplating 'hope' and what it means, when it's healthy or not, for me.
It's totally been a double edged sword for me. ALL along I hoped. Hope is one of the MAJOR reasons I stayed. I kept thinking he'll get it, I just need to wait it out etc. If I just weather the storm, the rainbow is sure to come.
We all know how that turned out
Chino - leave it to me to redefine a simple word ... H O P E. Something that should be so simple, for me is not. I think if many here think about it, that is a HUGE factor in why we stay as long as we do. For me it is anyway.
It's totally been a double edged sword for me. ALL along I hoped. Hope is one of the MAJOR reasons I stayed. I kept thinking he'll get it, I just need to wait it out etc. If I just weather the storm, the rainbow is sure to come.
We all know how that turned out
Chino - leave it to me to redefine a simple word ... H O P E. Something that should be so simple, for me is not. I think if many here think about it, that is a HUGE factor in why we stay as long as we do. For me it is anyway.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dayton, OH.
Posts: 879
There is hope. Not for all. Not for some. For most and definitely for those who choose it.
Not saying your addict WILL stop, but there are many of us who do.
I have 18 months clean.
I've returned to college. I hold a very solid 4.0 GPA.
I've held three part time jobs for over a year. One since 2003 (my own business that survived my active addiction). One since March 2009 (cleaning company). One that is related to my field of study (Criminal Justice), since June 2010 (Private Security).
We can and do recover. We must do it for ourselves. We must realize we have a problem. We must realize it's FOREVER and we can never go back because if we do we may never return from the relapse.
Not saying your addict WILL stop, but there are many of us who do.
I have 18 months clean.
I've returned to college. I hold a very solid 4.0 GPA.
I've held three part time jobs for over a year. One since 2003 (my own business that survived my active addiction). One since March 2009 (cleaning company). One that is related to my field of study (Criminal Justice), since June 2010 (Private Security).
We can and do recover. We must do it for ourselves. We must realize we have a problem. We must realize it's FOREVER and we can never go back because if we do we may never return from the relapse.
ThatLittleGirl
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 273
I spent a lot of time contemplating this thread...and the concept of hope...and I think I have/had hope too Callie. But why did I hold on until the point of insanity...I mean real insanity...??? I am digging deep within myself here...but I think I was hanging on a lot for myself... For hope, yes...but hope that he would turn his life around and give me and the girls the life we deserved...the life I wanted.
Not to say that was right or wrong necessarily...but this thread has caused me to really ruminate the last couple of days (fantastic topic btw) trying to figure out what I was holding on to so dang hard...to the detriment of me and the girls. And it was frustrating because I couldn't put my finger on it...and I knew there was hope involved...but I don't think it was the healthy form of hope. If I pull the layer of the onion back some more...it was hope to get back the life I wanted...the dreams I'd had for my family...the fairy tale I was busy creating the whole time his drug usage was escalating. My husband never really wanted children... It wasn't that he didn't want them totally, but he was A-okay with not having them...so he kept procrastinating the decision. Looking back, I think he knew he couldn't handle a family life with his addiction... But I pushed and pushed because I wanted children...and voila...twins. He just let me take the reins in so many areas of our lives...building a new home...schooling...and on and on and on...
So as I sit here trying to analyze the crux of the issue...hope and what it means... I think for me I held on to hope selfishly...and tried to maintain the facade of a fairy tale that was never meant to be. I wrapped it in hope because it sounded good...and it made me feel better...and it gave me a legitimate excuse to keep pushing when he just didn't want to go forward anymore...and when he stopped wanting to go-along to get-along...my frustration increased and increased until I had to surrender or go crazy.
Today, I still have hope for him and for his sake...I just have to take myself totally out of the equation. I literally have to say it like this, 'Exah and I will never be together again and the fairy tale is over, but I still want him to be well and be a father to his daughters.' When I frame it up front that I am not involved, then I don't go down the winding road of reopening chapters in the past that involve me and him in situations that cannot be. And that's the only way I can be healthy about the concept of hope where exah is concerned.
Not to say that was right or wrong necessarily...but this thread has caused me to really ruminate the last couple of days (fantastic topic btw) trying to figure out what I was holding on to so dang hard...to the detriment of me and the girls. And it was frustrating because I couldn't put my finger on it...and I knew there was hope involved...but I don't think it was the healthy form of hope. If I pull the layer of the onion back some more...it was hope to get back the life I wanted...the dreams I'd had for my family...the fairy tale I was busy creating the whole time his drug usage was escalating. My husband never really wanted children... It wasn't that he didn't want them totally, but he was A-okay with not having them...so he kept procrastinating the decision. Looking back, I think he knew he couldn't handle a family life with his addiction... But I pushed and pushed because I wanted children...and voila...twins. He just let me take the reins in so many areas of our lives...building a new home...schooling...and on and on and on...
So as I sit here trying to analyze the crux of the issue...hope and what it means... I think for me I held on to hope selfishly...and tried to maintain the facade of a fairy tale that was never meant to be. I wrapped it in hope because it sounded good...and it made me feel better...and it gave me a legitimate excuse to keep pushing when he just didn't want to go forward anymore...and when he stopped wanting to go-along to get-along...my frustration increased and increased until I had to surrender or go crazy.
Today, I still have hope for him and for his sake...I just have to take myself totally out of the equation. I literally have to say it like this, 'Exah and I will never be together again and the fairy tale is over, but I still want him to be well and be a father to his daughters.' When I frame it up front that I am not involved, then I don't go down the winding road of reopening chapters in the past that involve me and him in situations that cannot be. And that's the only way I can be healthy about the concept of hope where exah is concerned.
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Originally Posted by ThatLittleGirl 
So as I sit here trying to analyze the crux of the issue...hope and what it means... I think for me I held on to hope selfishly...and tried to maintain the facade of a fairy tale that was never meant to be. I wrapped it in hope because it sounded good...and it made me feel better...and it gave me a legitimate excuse to keep pushing when he just didn't want to go forward anymore...and when he stopped wanting to go-along to get-along...my frustration increased and increased until I had to surrender or go crazy.
CLMI
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it was hope to get back the life I wanted...the dreams I'd had for my family...the fairy tale I was busy creating the whole time his drug usage was escalating.
I felt exactly the same way. I was busy creating the fairytail and not living or looking at the reality of what was going on. Truth be told I didn't KNOW the reality for a long time.
and voila...twins. He just let me take the reins in so many areas of our lives...building a new home...schooling...and on and on and on...
Exact same thing here too. He was very involved when they were babies, but once they became older, although still present and loving to them, he turned the reigns over. Actually I probably took them over.... Because I wasn't happy with where he was leading things and rather than look at the crux of what was going on I took on many, many things in this household. Until the point where living with an addict AND doing everything that a 2 parent household should have split equally drug me down so far. Little by little, I stopped caring about working out, taking my vitamins, coloring my hair, etc. I used to take alot of pride in my appearance. But it became easier to throw on some sweats and put my hair up in a bun.
I think for me I held on to hope selfishly...and tried to maintain the facade of a fairy tale that was never meant to be. I wrapped it in hope because it sounded good...and it made me feel better...and it gave me a legitimate excuse to keep pushing
100% agree with this too. I'll add though, I'd kept his addiction under wraps SO well until he lost his job. Most nobody knew. Once he lost his job it became apparant. I had to dismantle this 'fairy tail' marriage. From the outside looking in, we had it all.
I still wade through the pain, shame, embarassment. Even now. I'm starting to realize that most of it is what I put on myself. Society has been very supportive in general. People are starting to reach out. I've had friends that really aren't close friends ask me to go out with them. (just hanging with the girls). I've pushed myself so very far underground socially and I'm trying to dig myself out.
Today, I still have hope for him and for his sake...I just have to take myself totally out of the equation. I literally have to say it like this, 'Exah and I will never be together again and the fairy tale is over, but I still want him to be well and be a father to his daughters.' When I frame it up front that I am not involved, then I don't go down the winding road of reopening chapters in the past that involve me and him in situations that cannot be. And that's the only way I can be healthy about the concept of hope where exah is concerned.
TLG - VERY insightful. I'm going to print this out. I am finding out first hand how I struggle with staying away and not 'reopening chapters'. Not to start over again, but still trying to make him 'right his wrongs' where he can. I still carry alot of anger. Wow....
I felt exactly the same way. I was busy creating the fairytail and not living or looking at the reality of what was going on. Truth be told I didn't KNOW the reality for a long time.
and voila...twins. He just let me take the reins in so many areas of our lives...building a new home...schooling...and on and on and on...
Exact same thing here too. He was very involved when they were babies, but once they became older, although still present and loving to them, he turned the reigns over. Actually I probably took them over.... Because I wasn't happy with where he was leading things and rather than look at the crux of what was going on I took on many, many things in this household. Until the point where living with an addict AND doing everything that a 2 parent household should have split equally drug me down so far. Little by little, I stopped caring about working out, taking my vitamins, coloring my hair, etc. I used to take alot of pride in my appearance. But it became easier to throw on some sweats and put my hair up in a bun.
I think for me I held on to hope selfishly...and tried to maintain the facade of a fairy tale that was never meant to be. I wrapped it in hope because it sounded good...and it made me feel better...and it gave me a legitimate excuse to keep pushing
100% agree with this too. I'll add though, I'd kept his addiction under wraps SO well until he lost his job. Most nobody knew. Once he lost his job it became apparant. I had to dismantle this 'fairy tail' marriage. From the outside looking in, we had it all.
I still wade through the pain, shame, embarassment. Even now. I'm starting to realize that most of it is what I put on myself. Society has been very supportive in general. People are starting to reach out. I've had friends that really aren't close friends ask me to go out with them. (just hanging with the girls). I've pushed myself so very far underground socially and I'm trying to dig myself out.
Today, I still have hope for him and for his sake...I just have to take myself totally out of the equation. I literally have to say it like this, 'Exah and I will never be together again and the fairy tale is over, but I still want him to be well and be a father to his daughters.' When I frame it up front that I am not involved, then I don't go down the winding road of reopening chapters in the past that involve me and him in situations that cannot be. And that's the only way I can be healthy about the concept of hope where exah is concerned.
TLG - VERY insightful. I'm going to print this out. I am finding out first hand how I struggle with staying away and not 'reopening chapters'. Not to start over again, but still trying to make him 'right his wrongs' where he can. I still carry alot of anger. Wow....
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ThatLittleGirl
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Texas
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I'd kept his addiction under wraps SO well until he lost his job. Most nobody knew. Once he lost his job it became apparant. I had to dismantle this 'fairy tail' marriage. From the outside looking in, we had it all. - I'm still there Callie...no one but my parents and sister know my exah has lost his job or that we're divorced. And I may never tell them about the job and the divorce I'll ease into when I'm ready to discuss it. Unfortunately I have members in my family (my mom's sister and her children) who are major busy bodies and who seem to get pleasure from others pain...gossiping...trying to get the gory details... It's very hurtful. And the rest of my family just tries to stay away from drama and keep the peace... So if my aunt and cousins were to hear from other family members about exah...and the divorce etc, I would be the topic of conversation until someone else has a tragedy or disappointment. And I don't want that to touch my children... I've thought of confronting them, but my parents tell me it's not worth it...and some members of the family just don't see it the way it really is...so I'd be starting up another battle I don't have the energy for right now. You are lucky to have supportive friends and family...my parents and sister are...but that's about it...of course they're really the only ones who know the situation for how it truly is.
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