here i am again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: pacific standard time
Posts: 289
here i am again
why did i think it would be any different?
somehow, i've ended up begging to be loved again. by him, the same guy. the same one.
here i am again.
somehow i lost power. i gave it all up, and not to my higher power. to HIM!
he will never be capable of loving another human
and here i am, i hate myself all over again. i'm lonely all over again. i hate myself all over again. i wish i was a different person. here i am again.
somehow, i've ended up begging to be loved again. by him, the same guy. the same one.
here i am again.
somehow i lost power. i gave it all up, and not to my higher power. to HIM!
he will never be capable of loving another human
and here i am, i hate myself all over again. i'm lonely all over again. i hate myself all over again. i wish i was a different person. here i am again.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,894
Hey, it happens. There's no reason to hate yourself. He said all the right things and you wanted to believe it, so you did. You aren't the first one and you certainly won't be the last. But now, you have to decide if you are done. Are you done?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Oh, Ocean, I've thought of you often.
I have changed my mind with my xabf as often as I change my underwear it seems. I understand - the desire is so strong, it's overpowering. But this is what I believe:
You hadn't quite had enough yet. You still had some learning to do. I think your relapse proves something to you - about him and about yourself - if you just listen. And I know you are!
Super painful, but hating yourself doesn't really accomplish anything good. Just try and see this as the next lesson you needed, and now get back on that horse.
We're here for you.
I have changed my mind with my xabf as often as I change my underwear it seems. I understand - the desire is so strong, it's overpowering. But this is what I believe:
You hadn't quite had enough yet. You still had some learning to do. I think your relapse proves something to you - about him and about yourself - if you just listen. And I know you are!
Super painful, but hating yourself doesn't really accomplish anything good. Just try and see this as the next lesson you needed, and now get back on that horse.
We're here for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: pacific standard time
Posts: 289
i had worked so hard and did so well at not contacting him. then we were over. i hate that i have to start over again.
he always ends up with so much power over me. i know, i'm playing the victim.
i'm in a world of pain now. i'm hoping to wake up with clarity.
coffeedrinker, thank you a million thank yous
he always ends up with so much power over me. i know, i'm playing the victim.
i'm in a world of pain now. i'm hoping to wake up with clarity.
coffeedrinker, thank you a million thank yous
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
back when..I left and went back so many times that no one ever believed me for a many when I would leave and say I was fed up....something was different that final time and I got very stubborn.
I came on here and counted days of sobriety of no contact, that was very helpful to me..then I had my pride and accountability and support
I came on here and counted days of sobriety of no contact, that was very helpful to me..then I had my pride and accountability and support
work in progress
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
How many relationships have you been in that have led you to the very same place you find yourself in right now? How many more do you have to be in like this before you start the real work on you?
It's more than just going no contact, it's using the time to work harder on yourself than you ever have before.
We all come by the way we are honestly. We weren't born this way....but somewhere along the road we became this way with the people in our lives.
You weren't dooped...you just weren't done yet.
Forgive yourself...you're human. It took Me 10 years of the back and forth with Mr Sofa before I was finally ready to move on. And looking back.....ALL of the relationships I have had with Men in the past have left me with the same feelings, including my dad.
So, you relapsed....and you hated it. Good for you! It's part of the process, yes?
Today is a new day.
It's more than just going no contact, it's using the time to work harder on yourself than you ever have before.
We all come by the way we are honestly. We weren't born this way....but somewhere along the road we became this way with the people in our lives.
You weren't dooped...you just weren't done yet.
Forgive yourself...you're human. It took Me 10 years of the back and forth with Mr Sofa before I was finally ready to move on. And looking back.....ALL of the relationships I have had with Men in the past have left me with the same feelings, including my dad.
So, you relapsed....and you hated it. Good for you! It's part of the process, yes?
Today is a new day.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
((((Ocean)))))
All codies have a rock bottom, just like the abuser. We will only take so much and then we are truly done. You simply had not reached yours yet. Forgive yourself....it's just a step. Only you can decide when you have had enough, but believe me, when you have you will know it.
LOl at Sofa talking about Mr. Sofa! That is funny..just the name i mean, not the situation. Be strong and try to find happiness, it will come.
Good Luck and God Bless!
All codies have a rock bottom, just like the abuser. We will only take so much and then we are truly done. You simply had not reached yours yet. Forgive yourself....it's just a step. Only you can decide when you have had enough, but believe me, when you have you will know it.
LOl at Sofa talking about Mr. Sofa! That is funny..just the name i mean, not the situation. Be strong and try to find happiness, it will come.
Good Luck and God Bless!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Ocean, something we all learn sooner or later is that it's not about "them", it's all about "us". When we take time for our own recovery, and focus on it instead of obsessing about them, we stop being the victim and become the survivor, we stop living in the problem and start living in the solution.
It wasn't until I had some recovery under my belt that I got to know that stranger called "me". I learned who she was and what she wanted from life, and I learned to love her warts and all. Once we become healthy ourselves, we are better able to attract healthy relationships...whether it is a partner, friends, or family. Healthy attracts healthy and sick attracts sick like a magnet.
Take time for you, find interests to pursue with a passion...for me it was hobby photography...and you will discover that you alone hold the key to your happiness and have all along.
Hugs
It wasn't until I had some recovery under my belt that I got to know that stranger called "me". I learned who she was and what she wanted from life, and I learned to love her warts and all. Once we become healthy ourselves, we are better able to attract healthy relationships...whether it is a partner, friends, or family. Healthy attracts healthy and sick attracts sick like a magnet.
Take time for you, find interests to pursue with a passion...for me it was hobby photography...and you will discover that you alone hold the key to your happiness and have all along.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: atlanta
Posts: 90
One of the topics we touched on last night at my meeting was how we ALLOW others to treat us. I, too took almost 10 years to reach my bottomm going back and forth with my XAH and finally decided I had given all that i could give and I realized I lost myself in the process. Oh, I still love him, always will, but while I was giving him my life, I was killing my own spirit. I can still love him, but not be with him.
Hang in there, it does get better. Do something for YOU! You deserve it!
Peace
Hang in there, it does get better. Do something for YOU! You deserve it!
Peace
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