Sickening feeling and confusion
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Sickening feeling and confusion
I was recently involved with someone who is recovery. He has been about 6 months in and was doing great but then he came up to see me. And it was a wonderful time. When he returned home, I sort of fell apart and maybe I pressured him, I don't know.
Anyway, he has dropped off the face of the planet, won't return calls etc. And I fear deeply that he has relapsed.
If so, now I feel HORRIBLE. I have NO experience with this stuff. No one in my immediate family had a substance problem so I didn't know how fragile he really was. I know that relationships before their first year are the slippery slope for relapse, esp if they don't work out.
A couple of weeks ago he sort of pushed me away and said he couldnt be in a relationship and I was devastated but stayed in contact. I never pressured him and I was trying to be as cool as I could but I did tell him on several occassions I missed him and he told me just a week ago that he missed me and wanted me.
So now he has vanished and my sense is he is using again.
What do I do??
Did I push him over the edge? I was completely open with him and told him how close I felt to him and that I wanted to be there for him but he knew how intensely I was feeling towards him and that he couldn't be a full participant in a relationship so he ended things and what did I do? I couldn't leave well enough alone. I wrote him and told him of my feelings but that I understood his decision.
Now I feel just awful. Responsible even. This is all so new to me and I see now the potential pain being in a relationship with someone who is struggling with this disease.
Any guidance, support would be appreciated because Im freaking out actually. I couldn't live with myself if something horrible happened.
Anyway, he has dropped off the face of the planet, won't return calls etc. And I fear deeply that he has relapsed.
If so, now I feel HORRIBLE. I have NO experience with this stuff. No one in my immediate family had a substance problem so I didn't know how fragile he really was. I know that relationships before their first year are the slippery slope for relapse, esp if they don't work out.
A couple of weeks ago he sort of pushed me away and said he couldnt be in a relationship and I was devastated but stayed in contact. I never pressured him and I was trying to be as cool as I could but I did tell him on several occassions I missed him and he told me just a week ago that he missed me and wanted me.
So now he has vanished and my sense is he is using again.
What do I do??
Did I push him over the edge? I was completely open with him and told him how close I felt to him and that I wanted to be there for him but he knew how intensely I was feeling towards him and that he couldn't be a full participant in a relationship so he ended things and what did I do? I couldn't leave well enough alone. I wrote him and told him of my feelings but that I understood his decision.
Now I feel just awful. Responsible even. This is all so new to me and I see now the potential pain being in a relationship with someone who is struggling with this disease.
Any guidance, support would be appreciated because Im freaking out actually. I couldn't live with myself if something horrible happened.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
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You are projecting. Stop that!
Okay, now, breathe. First of all, you don't know that he has relapsed. Secondly, even if he has, it IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Unless you hold him down and force drugs into him, he is responsible.
It could be that he is just taking some time for himself. You said that he told you he wasn't prepared for a relationship and you know that the first year is especially crucial. So, knowing all that, it could be that he is just not returning your communication attempts. Maybe you should just step back and let him contact you if and when he is ready. There is no need to make yourself sick with worry and frustration.
Okay, now, breathe. First of all, you don't know that he has relapsed. Secondly, even if he has, it IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Unless you hold him down and force drugs into him, he is responsible.
It could be that he is just taking some time for himself. You said that he told you he wasn't prepared for a relationship and you know that the first year is especially crucial. So, knowing all that, it could be that he is just not returning your communication attempts. Maybe you should just step back and let him contact you if and when he is ready. There is no need to make yourself sick with worry and frustration.
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Join Date: Aug 2006
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There is NOTHING you can Do to make him relapse~~~His decision to use or to stay clean is a personal decision
You cannot control his addiction you didnt cause his addiction and you can not cure his addiction
If hes fallen of the face of the earth its possible he did relapse but most likely you will hear from him when hes done or needing something
Dont let yourself be sucked into thinking it was your fault it truely wasnt/isnt
You cannot control his addiction you didnt cause his addiction and you can not cure his addiction
If hes fallen of the face of the earth its possible he did relapse but most likely you will hear from him when hes done or needing something
Dont let yourself be sucked into thinking it was your fault it truely wasnt/isnt
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Thanks for this. I know I didn't cause it. I just don't want to add to any potential for him risking his sobriety.
I understand his need for distance. It hurts horribly but if it is what he needs than so be it. I'd rather that than the alternative.
Still, I am worried. Not like him to just vanish. We didn't have any bad feelings at all. I know he misses me and I miss him but he can't be in a relationship so I need to accept it.
I just wonder if he will ever find me again.
I understand his need for distance. It hurts horribly but if it is what he needs than so be it. I'd rather that than the alternative.
Still, I am worried. Not like him to just vanish. We didn't have any bad feelings at all. I know he misses me and I miss him but he can't be in a relationship so I need to accept it.
I just wonder if he will ever find me again.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
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Originally Posted by Babyblue 
Did I push him over the edge?
If he relapsed, it has nothing to do with you. That is a big if.
You might want to start looking for answers within self as to why you are already so emotionally tied to him.
Take some deep breaths and get back into the moment right in front of you, okay?
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
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You are assuming way too much. You assume he is using, you assume it has to do with you, you assume he misses you as much as you miss him.
These my dear, are all assumptions and nothing more.
Pay attention to you, to your issues and let him deal with his.
If this relationship is meant to be, it will happen...in the meantime work on you.
These my dear, are all assumptions and nothing more.
Pay attention to you, to your issues and let him deal with his.
If this relationship is meant to be, it will happen...in the meantime work on you.
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Join Date: May 2008
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You might want to start looking for answers within self as to why you are already so emotionally tied to him.
You are assuming way too much. You assume he is using, you assume it has to do with you, you assume he misses you as much as you miss him.
Amen, very powerful words. Move on. You don't have to dredge through the misery that addiction brings. Click on any of our names to read our stories and move on.
You are assuming way too much. You assume he is using, you assume it has to do with you, you assume he misses you as much as you miss him.
Amen, very powerful words. Move on. You don't have to dredge through the misery that addiction brings. Click on any of our names to read our stories and move on.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
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((babyblue))
welcome to the world of a relationship with an alcoholic/addict ~ whether they have relapsed or not - doesn't matter - your post explains exactly what happens to ME when I am not focused on taking care of myself and working my own program of recovery.
Not saying this is something that will always happen with you - Just sharing that is is MY Disease ~ that person becomes my OBSESSION.
That is how I react. That is why I must have my own program of recovery thru SR, al-anon and a relationship with the God of my understanding.
It's difficult to step back and realize we must do what is HEALTHY and Best for ourselves - but it makes us a better individual and then ready for a healthy relationship.
Possibly with the A if they are healthy enough to be in a relationship or with someone else if that is the path we are to walk.
HUGS,
Rita
welcome to the world of a relationship with an alcoholic/addict ~ whether they have relapsed or not - doesn't matter - your post explains exactly what happens to ME when I am not focused on taking care of myself and working my own program of recovery.
Not saying this is something that will always happen with you - Just sharing that is is MY Disease ~ that person becomes my OBSESSION.
That is how I react. That is why I must have my own program of recovery thru SR, al-anon and a relationship with the God of my understanding.
It's difficult to step back and realize we must do what is HEALTHY and Best for ourselves - but it makes us a better individual and then ready for a healthy relationship.
Possibly with the A if they are healthy enough to be in a relationship or with someone else if that is the path we are to walk.
HUGS,
Rita
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I have pulled back. Way back. I am living my life and working on the things that I have to work so that I keep healthier emotional boundaries.
I probably do need to check in to al-anon for myself. I do become a bit obsessesive and if he did or didn't relapse, whatever is going on in his life can't impact me as it has -- I need to practice compassion from a distance with the hope that someone I care about finds his way out of whatever it is he struggles with.
I don't know what the future holds. I only can do what I need to feel happy and joyful about life, not sad or worried. Maybe one day he can be a part of that. No one knows. I sure don't.
Missing him is ok, but losing myself for him in ANY way isn't healthy and I am able to see that. I want to be at my best place for any relationship, as you say. But more importantly at my best place for me. I don't want to give up on A but taking care of myself and stepping away until he is better is the best thing I can do and will do.
In time it gets easier right?
I probably do need to check in to al-anon for myself. I do become a bit obsessesive and if he did or didn't relapse, whatever is going on in his life can't impact me as it has -- I need to practice compassion from a distance with the hope that someone I care about finds his way out of whatever it is he struggles with.
I don't know what the future holds. I only can do what I need to feel happy and joyful about life, not sad or worried. Maybe one day he can be a part of that. No one knows. I sure don't.
Missing him is ok, but losing myself for him in ANY way isn't healthy and I am able to see that. I want to be at my best place for any relationship, as you say. But more importantly at my best place for me. I don't want to give up on A but taking care of myself and stepping away until he is better is the best thing I can do and will do.
In time it gets easier right?
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Yes. Not only easier, but if we can learn from our mistakes and put the lessons into practice, it doesn't happen again.
The future is bright babyblue. You are in control of yourself and your own choices, and no one elses. But that is all you need.
The future is bright babyblue. You are in control of yourself and your own choices, and no one elses. But that is all you need.
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Originally Posted by Babyblue
I just don't want to add to any potential for him risking his sobriety.
if you can let go of that thinking, it will serve you both well. if you cannot, the pattern continues.
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Just an update: He crawled out of his hole long enough to confirm that yes, he had relapsed. I figured that was the case but maybe didn't want to accept it so I assumed I had done something. I accept it and am sad for him, for all his hard work. I am only observing this from a distance and I hope he puts it back together. What can I say that will be supportive and strengthening? He knows I love him. I keep telling him that I am here for him when he is better but beyond that, I can't do much more.
But I still don't get why he has to stay so distant. Is it shame? Thinking I won't understand? Fearing I will get overly involved?
Like I say, this is new to me so I really just want to understand.
But I still don't get why he has to stay so distant. Is it shame? Thinking I won't understand? Fearing I will get overly involved?
Like I say, this is new to me so I really just want to understand.
RIP Sweet Suki
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His staying away is the best thing for both of you. He needs space to figure out what he is going to do. You need to give him that space because he doesn't need any pressure from you. The best thing you can do for him is leave him alone and allow him to take care of himself. The best thing you can do for yourself is to leave him alone and allow him to take care of himself.
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Originally Posted by Babyblue
But I still don't get why he has to stay so distant. Is it shame? Thinking I won't understand? Fearing I will get overly involved?
Like I say, this is new to me so I really just want to understand.
Like I say, this is new to me so I really just want to understand.
And chances are, he is into his dope.
Sounds like you might be trying to engage with a ghost.
It's not personal although I understand it feels that way, right now.
You cannot and did not cause the relapse and you cannot fix him. You have no power over him. If all it took was our love, none of us would be here.
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I want power over no one, sober or not. I know love won't fix the problem. But I do care and am simply trying to understand how his world is for him right now. I know it isn't personal. He is still communicating with me and has actually shared more about how he feels about me then ever.
I want to do the best thing to preserve what we do share. While he goes through this.
Maybe my questions are worded wrong?
I want to do the best thing to preserve what we do share. While he goes through this.
Maybe my questions are worded wrong?
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trying to understand how his world is for him right now.
If hes using his world is about gettting and using drugs
He is still communicating with me and has actually shared more about how he feels about me then ever.
I dont want to sound mean but his sharing how he feels about you Now more than ever is not always a good thing
mainly because he knows he's using and right now hes trying to determine where you will fit in this life hes living.......if he tells you oh how much he loves and needs you, will you stick around for him? Give him a place to land after he drags himself up from his last episode of drug use?
ACTIVE addicts really dont have a lot of Feelings about much of anything other than getting and using drugs..........Thats a lot of the reason they keep using ---NOT to feel
so my opinion is be careful will all the new found feelings he suddenly wants to share they just may be hooks to keep you around.
Sorry you are going thru this
If hes using his world is about gettting and using drugs
He is still communicating with me and has actually shared more about how he feels about me then ever.
I dont want to sound mean but his sharing how he feels about you Now more than ever is not always a good thing
mainly because he knows he's using and right now hes trying to determine where you will fit in this life hes living.......if he tells you oh how much he loves and needs you, will you stick around for him? Give him a place to land after he drags himself up from his last episode of drug use?
ACTIVE addicts really dont have a lot of Feelings about much of anything other than getting and using drugs..........Thats a lot of the reason they keep using ---NOT to feel
so my opinion is be careful will all the new found feelings he suddenly wants to share they just may be hooks to keep you around.
Sorry you are going thru this
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Thanks for more input.
Liesagain: I have been reaching that conclusion but you put words to some of my feelings. Thanks for the insight. This is the info I need to hear. This is so new to me, I have no prior experience in my life being this close to an addict so I am trying to make sense of things. Not sure how 'active' his addiction is at this point. His behaviors tell me it is worse than he'd admit to. He is in a dark place right now. I miss seeing him in the light when he was better.
It is just heart breaking to see. And by heart breaking I dont mean I am devastated and stopping my life for him, I'm not. But I am a compassionate person by nature and witnessing someone go through this brings out that side of me. I know I need to be very careful of this. Hands off the addict.
Hearing this info here really does help.
Liesagain: I have been reaching that conclusion but you put words to some of my feelings. Thanks for the insight. This is the info I need to hear. This is so new to me, I have no prior experience in my life being this close to an addict so I am trying to make sense of things. Not sure how 'active' his addiction is at this point. His behaviors tell me it is worse than he'd admit to. He is in a dark place right now. I miss seeing him in the light when he was better.
It is just heart breaking to see. And by heart breaking I dont mean I am devastated and stopping my life for him, I'm not. But I am a compassionate person by nature and witnessing someone go through this brings out that side of me. I know I need to be very careful of this. Hands off the addict.
Hearing this info here really does help.
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
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Originally Posted by Babyblue
Just an update: He crawled out of his hole long enough to confirm that yes, he had relapsed. I figured that was the case but maybe didn't want to accept it so I assumed I had done something. I accept it and am sad for him, for all his hard work. I am only observing this from a distance and I hope he puts it back together. What can I say that will be supportive and strengthening? He knows I love him. I keep telling him that I am here for him when he is better but beyond that, I can't do much more.
But I still don't get why he has to stay so distant. Is it shame? Thinking I won't understand? Fearing I will get overly involved?
Like I say, this is new to me so I really just want to understand.
But I still don't get why he has to stay so distant. Is it shame? Thinking I won't understand? Fearing I will get overly involved?
Like I say, this is new to me so I really just want to understand.
It is simply classic addict behavior to do what he did.
He relapsed ... now he will try to get it together or at least say that is what he is going to do, but if he is not ready you better be cause you're in for a world of hurt. He will continue to use and you will continue to wonder why. You'll spend countless nights crying, wondering where he is, what is he doing, why doesn't he at least call ...
It is a viscous cycle
Passion
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I am taking pretty good care of myself. I know his addiction disease is his alone to deal with. Knowledge is power and I've learned alot from SR, esp from those who went through addiction and recovery.
He hasn't really pulled me into this but I know he feels very alone right now. That tears me up inside, even if it is his own doing. I keep thinking 'what if he had another illness, would I not help him then?'. It is a challenge to me to sit back and watch this unfold and not be able to help. It is where I am at now. I've never been a believer in tough love. Not for everyone. Some people do need it but some do better with support.
Anyway these are all thoughts that have been going on in my head since hearing from him. The reality is, there is so much I will never know about his life right now. I want to believe his story about what he is going through but even if he hasn't fully relapsed, his situation seems very precarious.
I just sit back and watch?? And do nothing?
Yes take care of myself and that I do. I have to, I have a 'successful' life and career etc. I have a loving family, great friends. I am blessed and I know it but my heart feels things which my head is trying feverishly to sort out before I go 'too far' in helping him. Ugh.
He hasn't really pulled me into this but I know he feels very alone right now. That tears me up inside, even if it is his own doing. I keep thinking 'what if he had another illness, would I not help him then?'. It is a challenge to me to sit back and watch this unfold and not be able to help. It is where I am at now. I've never been a believer in tough love. Not for everyone. Some people do need it but some do better with support.
Anyway these are all thoughts that have been going on in my head since hearing from him. The reality is, there is so much I will never know about his life right now. I want to believe his story about what he is going through but even if he hasn't fully relapsed, his situation seems very precarious.
I just sit back and watch?? And do nothing?
Yes take care of myself and that I do. I have to, I have a 'successful' life and career etc. I have a loving family, great friends. I am blessed and I know it but my heart feels things which my head is trying feverishly to sort out before I go 'too far' in helping him. Ugh.
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