Help! Between a rock and a hard place
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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Help! Between a rock and a hard place
My AS has two children. For a good part of their life, their mom, dad (my son) and both children have lived with my husband and I. They had a little less than 2 years being on their own.
Their mom cheated on my son and is now living with the guy about an hour and a half away. My son rents at his friend's house. No divorce is as yet pending or even started. It is for lack of money by both parties.
My son seems to be not as severely as addicted as some and seems to have dry periods.... meaning periods (as long as year) when I don't believe he has used. However, he is an addict.
So far the wife brings the children to visit him but they visit at my house. My son stays all night here with them and then when they leave he goes to his place. BUT, to make a long story short, I found drug paraphenelia (sp?) today at my house by accident. I don't want to tell his wife but I don't want him here either if he is using. Recently, he AGAIN promised he wasn't doing any of that. I don't think he is doing much meaning he seems to be a functioning drug addict. He goes to work, gets promoted, etc. It boggles my mind actually.
My conscience won't let me tell him not to come here with the kids because if he is at his place then I can't watch over the children. But still, I don't want the drug activity here either. Although is wife and I are civil, she still is not someone who I want to tell this to. She'll use it against him and he may never be able to see them again although she doesn't seem like the type to deny either him or me access to them, I wouldn't want to take the chance. She knows about his addiction but feels he wasn't using their last year together (when they were not living with me). So she thinks everything is okay.
I just don't know what to do. I KNOW it wouldn't be my fault if he lost his kids and really, when sober most of the time, is a WAY better dad then she is a mom. She isn't on drugs but has affairs and the kids will have men in and out of their life and things like that. Although she is not a very good mom at least she is sober and loves them.
I don't think talking to my son will help because addicts SAY whatever they need to and lie and use anyway. So now what? Any suggestions? My husband and I will decide on how to proceed but any suggestions would also be appreciated.
Gee life sucks sometimes....
Thanks, Kari
Their mom cheated on my son and is now living with the guy about an hour and a half away. My son rents at his friend's house. No divorce is as yet pending or even started. It is for lack of money by both parties.
My son seems to be not as severely as addicted as some and seems to have dry periods.... meaning periods (as long as year) when I don't believe he has used. However, he is an addict.
So far the wife brings the children to visit him but they visit at my house. My son stays all night here with them and then when they leave he goes to his place. BUT, to make a long story short, I found drug paraphenelia (sp?) today at my house by accident. I don't want to tell his wife but I don't want him here either if he is using. Recently, he AGAIN promised he wasn't doing any of that. I don't think he is doing much meaning he seems to be a functioning drug addict. He goes to work, gets promoted, etc. It boggles my mind actually.
My conscience won't let me tell him not to come here with the kids because if he is at his place then I can't watch over the children. But still, I don't want the drug activity here either. Although is wife and I are civil, she still is not someone who I want to tell this to. She'll use it against him and he may never be able to see them again although she doesn't seem like the type to deny either him or me access to them, I wouldn't want to take the chance. She knows about his addiction but feels he wasn't using their last year together (when they were not living with me). So she thinks everything is okay.
I just don't know what to do. I KNOW it wouldn't be my fault if he lost his kids and really, when sober most of the time, is a WAY better dad then she is a mom. She isn't on drugs but has affairs and the kids will have men in and out of their life and things like that. Although she is not a very good mom at least she is sober and loves them.
I don't think talking to my son will help because addicts SAY whatever they need to and lie and use anyway. So now what? Any suggestions? My husband and I will decide on how to proceed but any suggestions would also be appreciated.
Gee life sucks sometimes....
Thanks, Kari
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
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I know it sucks but, the children belong to them, not to you. If you discover that your son is using drugs in your home, you have every right to (and should do so) tell him he cannot stay at your house and if that means he can't see his kids there, well...that is HIS problem. How deeply he is addicted really doesn't matter. Separated couples have to deal with visitation all the time, so it's really something the two of them need to work out themselves.
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Join Date: Aug 2006
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I'm sure this is a very difficult decision for you. The first thing that comes to mind for me with your story is the question ~~~if You found these items couldnt the kids find them too?
Its tough to have to make decisions you dont want to have to make due to someones elses choices YET the decisions seem to fall into your lap thru no fault of your own
I remember the first time my husband relapsed, I was so afraid for my step sons "other side" of the family to find out about it and that fear was so strong-- because of my fears about what would happen I kept it a secret for a long time
but by relapse number 5 or 6 I finally told my husband...........I will not lie I will not omit the truth I will not cover for you, at that point one thing I asked/demanded of him was that he accept responsibility for himself call the other family that would "need to know" and inform them of his relapse, his paln to get back on track and his plans for his son (which was that he'd remain with me while husband went to treatment) I was sick and tired of all the worry about "what if they find out, I was sick of covering while he was off at treatment somewhere basically I was sick of all of it.
Yet, All of the horrible things (like being pulled back into another custody battle) never happened even after my husband took responsibility and told them all......those fears were my "what if's" and my reasons to continue to protect my husband ~~~~all on the idea that it was protecting my stepson
What I actually did was protect my husbands addiction Much longer than I ever should have
It was not an easy decision to make at the time, I first had to come to the place that I finally accepted that I needed to stop protecting my husband I wasnt helping him, me or my step son and also I had to finally accept that My husband was truely the one that "made these decisions" by using and whatever the results were I would have to deal with it knowing it was not my fault
Good luck to you, I am sorry your going through this.
Its tough to have to make decisions you dont want to have to make due to someones elses choices YET the decisions seem to fall into your lap thru no fault of your own
I remember the first time my husband relapsed, I was so afraid for my step sons "other side" of the family to find out about it and that fear was so strong-- because of my fears about what would happen I kept it a secret for a long time
but by relapse number 5 or 6 I finally told my husband...........I will not lie I will not omit the truth I will not cover for you, at that point one thing I asked/demanded of him was that he accept responsibility for himself call the other family that would "need to know" and inform them of his relapse, his paln to get back on track and his plans for his son (which was that he'd remain with me while husband went to treatment) I was sick and tired of all the worry about "what if they find out, I was sick of covering while he was off at treatment somewhere basically I was sick of all of it.
Yet, All of the horrible things (like being pulled back into another custody battle) never happened even after my husband took responsibility and told them all......those fears were my "what if's" and my reasons to continue to protect my husband ~~~~all on the idea that it was protecting my stepson
What I actually did was protect my husbands addiction
Much longer than I ever should haveIt was not an easy decision to make at the time, I first had to come to the place that I finally accepted that I needed to stop protecting my husband I wasnt helping him, me or my step son and also I had to finally accept that My husband was truely the one that "made these decisions" by using and whatever the results were I would have to deal with it knowing it was not my fault
Good luck to you, I am sorry your going through this.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
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(((Kari)))
What an uncomfortable position to be in. Have you talked to your son at all? Even though an addict will often say the most ridiculous things, that doesn't mean they will always do so. If he chooses to deny, then you continue about the plans your husband and you have regardless.
It just seems that he should be confronted rather than blindsided, even if your course of action is the same.
I hate keeping secrets. They tear me apart in small little fragments. Let your son own up and help in the resolve...or not if he chooses not to.
(((Hugs)))
What an uncomfortable position to be in. Have you talked to your son at all? Even though an addict will often say the most ridiculous things, that doesn't mean they will always do so. If he chooses to deny, then you continue about the plans your husband and you have regardless.
It just seems that he should be confronted rather than blindsided, even if your course of action is the same.
I hate keeping secrets. They tear me apart in small little fragments. Let your son own up and help in the resolve...or not if he chooses not to.
(((Hugs)))
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Suggest to him that you will help him find and get into treatment.
Let him know what you know and how the info can not be kept secret.
Maybe keeping visits with his kids will be a decision point for him.
Let him know what you know and how the info can not be kept secret.
Maybe keeping visits with his kids will be a decision point for him.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
Originally Posted by cece1960 
(((Kari)))
What an uncomfortable position to be in. Have you talked to your son at all? Even though an addict will often say the most ridiculous things, that doesn't mean they will always do so. If he chooses to deny, then you continue about the plans your husband and you have regardless.
It just seems that he should be confronted rather than blindsided, even if your course of action is the same.
I hate keeping secrets. They tear me apart in small little fragments. Let your son own up and help in the resolve...or not if he chooses not to.
(((Hugs)))
What an uncomfortable position to be in. Have you talked to your son at all? Even though an addict will often say the most ridiculous things, that doesn't mean they will always do so. If he chooses to deny, then you continue about the plans your husband and you have regardless.
It just seems that he should be confronted rather than blindsided, even if your course of action is the same.
I hate keeping secrets. They tear me apart in small little fragments. Let your son own up and help in the resolve...or not if he chooses not to.
(((Hugs)))
So then I said "Fine, then would you be willing to go into the bathroom right this minute (with your dad watching) and pee in a cup cause I have a home drug test." He wouldn't. I wanted a witness so he couldn't tamper with it in any way. I bought two tests a long time ago. One pee test and one swab the mouth.
Then he admitted that he was smoking pot and only that would show up and what was the point? I said "That's okay, this is a good test and it shows more than pot." I'm not sure if it does as I got them so long ago I forget. BUT, my husband tends to believe him more than I do so that was his proof as well. Now he is on board. My husband grew up with an alcoholic mom and a drug addict brother so I'm glad he is on board with what we want to do.
Right now our plan is to tell him that we won't tell his wife IF, when the kids are here, we always drive them and he cannot stay the night. If the kids mention this to their mom, then my son can handle that. If she asks me directly, I'll just say to talk to him.
I totally know that I shouldn't do this but I also can't bear feeling responsible if he loses his kids and I KNOW I won't be responsible...he will...but still I can't live with it....at least for now it is what I feel I should do. I don't want to play cop but I will for the time being. My husband blurted out to him before we could talk together as mom and dad privately that "No, we won't tell your wife." Then we went out to dinner and discussed it and decided on this plan. Not the best but it can be revised if necessary. We just can't trust his wife right now.
It might be enabling but unless we think of something better, we are going to try it. If we could totally trust his wife, that would be another matter. She hasn't even called the kids while they have been here for a week so she isn't mother of the year material herself!
What a mess! If there were no kids, we would cut off contact with him.
Oh well, we'll see what he says later.
Kari
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Location: in my own world~
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Hi Kari~~I would tell my son what I found, talk to the mom about my own time with the kids and let your son deal with the rest himself. Honestly, I have 2 grandchildren that I see when I want to and they came from a broken marriage. My oldest son was divorced, has 2 great little boys and I get along wonderfully with their mom. Maybe with putting him on the spot as far as his children will help him get a grip......darn this is hard. Its my youngest son that has had the problems with addiction but it looks like he's finally flying straight. No marriage or children there but If so I sure would be out to protect the kids. Smiles, Bonnie
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Originally Posted by liesagain
I'm sure this is a very difficult decision for you. The first thing that comes to mind for me with your story is the question ~~~if You found these items couldnt the kids find them too?
Its tough to have to make decisions you dont want to have to make due to someones elses choices YET the decisions seem to fall into your lap thru no fault of your own
I remember the first time my husband relapsed, I was so afraid for my step sons "other side" of the family to find out about it and that fear was so strong-- because of my fears about what would happen I kept it a secret for a long time
but by relapse number 5 or 6 I finally told my husband...........I will not lie I will not omit the truth I will not cover for you, at that point one thing I asked/demanded of him was that he accept responsibility for himself call the other family that would "need to know" and inform them of his relapse, his paln to get back on track and his plans for his son (which was that he'd remain with me while husband went to treatment) I was sick and tired of all the worry about "what if they find out, I was sick of covering while he was off at treatment somewhere basically I was sick of all of it.
Yet, All of the horrible things (like being pulled back into another custody battle) never happened even after my husband took responsibility and told them all......those fears were my "what if's" and my reasons to continue to protect my husband ~~~~all on the idea that it was protecting my stepson
What I actually did was protect my husbands addiction Much longer than I ever should have
It was not an easy decision to make at the time, I first had to come to the place that I finally accepted that I needed to stop protecting my husband I wasnt helping him, me or my step son and also I had to finally accept that My husband was truely the one that "made these decisions" by using and whatever the results were I would have to deal with it knowing it was not my fault
Good luck to you, I am sorry your going through this.
Its tough to have to make decisions you dont want to have to make due to someones elses choices YET the decisions seem to fall into your lap thru no fault of your own
I remember the first time my husband relapsed, I was so afraid for my step sons "other side" of the family to find out about it and that fear was so strong-- because of my fears about what would happen I kept it a secret for a long time
but by relapse number 5 or 6 I finally told my husband...........I will not lie I will not omit the truth I will not cover for you, at that point one thing I asked/demanded of him was that he accept responsibility for himself call the other family that would "need to know" and inform them of his relapse, his paln to get back on track and his plans for his son (which was that he'd remain with me while husband went to treatment) I was sick and tired of all the worry about "what if they find out, I was sick of covering while he was off at treatment somewhere basically I was sick of all of it.
Yet, All of the horrible things (like being pulled back into another custody battle) never happened even after my husband took responsibility and told them all......those fears were my "what if's" and my reasons to continue to protect my husband ~~~~all on the idea that it was protecting my stepson
What I actually did was protect my husbands addiction
Much longer than I ever should haveIt was not an easy decision to make at the time, I first had to come to the place that I finally accepted that I needed to stop protecting my husband I wasnt helping him, me or my step son and also I had to finally accept that My husband was truely the one that "made these decisions" by using and whatever the results were I would have to deal with it knowing it was not my fault
Good luck to you, I am sorry your going through this.
I am glad you posted because I can also add what you said to your husband in with what we are going to tell our son. This is it. After this, I will not cover for you and don't you dare tell me that losing your kids will be MY fault cause it won't. It will definitely be yours. You were warned.
Kari
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
If the plan sits well with you, then its a good plan. You can adjust later if needed. Its really not important what anyone thinks is right or wrong, as long as the kids are safe and cared for, and as long as it sits well with you and your hubby. Your home, your rules, its that simple.
The important part is that you are comfortable, and that you are not saddled with getting between your son and his ex.
I'm glad the kids have you to act on their behalf.
The important part is that you are comfortable, and that you are not saddled with getting between your son and his ex.
I'm glad the kids have you to act on their behalf.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
Originally Posted by cece1960
If the plan sits well with you, then its a good plan. You can adjust later if needed. Its really not important what anyone thinks is right or wrong, as long as the kids are safe and cared for, and as long as it sits well with you and your hubby. Your home, your rules, its that simple.
The important part is that you are comfortable, and that you are not saddled with getting between your son and his ex.
I'm glad the kids have you to act on their behalf.
The important part is that you are comfortable, and that you are not saddled with getting between your son and his ex.
I'm glad the kids have you to act on their behalf.
Kari
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,849
Kari
No, I dont think you are deluding yourself, not at all. I believe that we must all move at our own pace and make the decisions that are best for us at that specific time..........sometimes, thats the best we can do in a difficult situation.
I Hope things improve with your son.
No, I dont think you are deluding yourself, not at all. I believe that we must all move at our own pace and make the decisions that are best for us at that specific time..........sometimes, thats the best we can do in a difficult situation.
I Hope things improve with your son.
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