sofacat

So, I have been corresponding via FB with a man for about 4 months now.

I am attracted to Him, but I have put myself on a one-year moratorium on dating anyone. I’m 7 months in now. So, just keeping it as friends.

I had a codie relapse the other day, and resorted to my old passive aggressive self. He mentioned to Me that a woman MUCH younger than he is (20 years younger) is attracted to Him, and that made Him excited.

I took this personally, and in perfect codie fashion, without skipping a beat…I verbally hit him below the belt. I’m good at this, I’ve had a lifetime of honing this awful skill. But I was jealous and feeling threatened.

Well, he called Me on it, and became very upset with Me (as he should have)

Now, I am feeling the need to correct my actions and reveal my shortcomings to Him but am conflicted about my motives for doing it. I am back to wanting Him to be okay with Me….and also need expose my vulnerabilities to Him so I can work through my own schtuff.

I like Him a lot. It has been 6 months now, since I started this attraction, and I think I’m ALMOST past the obsessive phase of a new prospect…but I’m not ready to tell Him how I am really feeling about Him.

What to do? Am I trying to manipulate Him for my own selfish reasons?

When is exposing your true self to another person part of the healing process and NOT used as a way to “make them see”.

I am confused and not sure what to do. I want to break this habit of mine, but I am not seeing clearly right now. Am I tripping over my expectations here?

I need my ladies~

HELP!!!!!!!!!

URMYEVERYTHING

I have always been a firm believer to say what is on my mind and tell others how I feel (appropriately, of course).

Then I let them decide what to do with it.

I don't expect anything back and I don't expect it to be in my favor either as that can set you up for disappointment.

What harm will be done if you tell him how you feel?

If he runs, he's not ready and he may not be the one for you.

Best of luck.

coffeedrinker

I really agree with this last statement.

I think a little bit of balance, though, is prudent. What I mean, is that you don't do a tell-all dump, you don't bare your soul, but you do speak your truth and let the chips fall where they may.


In my new relationship, N.L.I. is very forthcoming, very communicative. It has led me into some "discomfortville" but I forge ahead. Because the alternative is not being direct, not being entirely honest, or game-playing. All not acceptable.

Take a risk. It will help you to continue discovering who he really is.

Freedom1990

Just something to think about...did you also put a one-year moratorium on becoming emotionally involved with someone?

I know, for me, I didn't know how to be just friends until I had a lot of recovery under my belt.

lightseeker

You are asking a lot of great questions. The first thing that popped into my mind was "if in doubt, don't".

I'm tending to hang with Freedom's question....was it a one year moratorium on emotional involvements as well as dating? If you tell him how you feel and he should feel the same would you then say "sorry, I have to wait a few more months"? I'm betting that if you wait on all of this when the year comes you will look back on this interlude and feel pretty differently than you do now.

More will be revealed as "they" say. I know that when I get emotionally balled up with inner questioning and confusion then I am getting emotionally drunk. That is an area that always ends up feeling yucky.

If you are truly taking a year off from dating and giving yourself space then having a new attraction one month into your year pretty much sounds like defeating the purpose.

Just my two cents.

URMYEVERYTHING

I totally agree about keeping some stuff in reserve. I believe in taking risk too when it comes to expressing myself. It could also help with building yourself to see where you are in verbalizing how you feel with others. Sounds kind of like you are the prey and he will become the victim...but...hey, someone has to experience it. LOL.

Chino

When I'm 100% comfortable with and accepting of myself

sofacat

Sorry it took so long to respond. I had to get off the computer for awhile and clear my head...and do some shopping. Since the breakup with Mr.Sofa, I have lost a lot of weight. So I had to go get some pants that fit me for work tomorrow.

Okay... Yes, I know this man. I've posted about him before in other threads. I referred to him as Mr.Wonderful. I was a bit sarcastic when I named him, mainly because I was in fantasy land in my head with Him at the time. I may still be. Not sure at the moment.

Most of the dialog we have right now is online. I am keeping Him at an arms length, and he knows of my "no dating" policy. So, it's been mainly a friendship we've cultivated. But...I know Me. I have an agenda. I want to get to know him on more of a romantic level, but I know I'm not ready.

I'm pretty sure he is interested in Me too. But I fear that His level of codependency at the moment might be a bit higher than mine. I'm, studying narcissism, so who knows...I could be delusional about this...and still looking through My own cracked mirror... But working through it.

Some of you mentioned I should own up to my jealousy...I did. I corrected my actions and apologized for it. He didn't run. He actually moved forward and became even more friendly with Me. So that was a nice surprise. He did let Me know that I made Him angry...as it should. I hit Him below the belt.

Freedom, Lightseeker- the moratorium is of the emotional involvement kind. I can have men as friends...but nothing romantic. With Him, it's not romantic, as far as he knows. He doesn't know that I am interested in Him this way. I have kept this to myself. Lying by omission, so to speak.

Coffee I know you're courting a new fella, and have all these different thoughts and doubts running through your head. I do too. I guess it's just natural for us to react these ways after what we just went through. I just panic sometimes when I start psychoanalyzing every little thing I do and why i do it. When do we just "jump in" and enjoy the swim?

Chino...you said when I'm 100% comfortable and accepting of myself. Well I don't think I'll ever be 100%....but I'd like to be at least 85%. Right now, I think I'm about 55% there. Have a long way to go.

I'm just not sure of my motives with Him yet. I want Him to like Me....and in a very unhealthy way, I need him to like Me. That's the part I am shaky about.

Needing someone to like Me. It's codependent....I know this....and it's pulling on Me. Now's the part where I have to put all this studying, and journaling, and every other self helpy thing I've been doing for the last year to the test.

I know the only way out, is through. I realize that I am going to make mistakes along the way. I just have to learn how to forgive myself when I do. I keep kicking myself for some of the things I have said and done. Ugh.

I know it's still too soon for me to get involved with Him. He knows my story, and knows what I just came out of. He had a similar experience with His ex wife some years ago. So that's good that He "gets it". It's just really hard for me not to want to keep Him around. There is something there, for sure.

I'm just not sure why it's there.

Thanks everyone for your help...

and Anvil- why can't I think more like you? I so want that.

ThatLittleGirl

He mentioned to Me that a woman MUCH younger than he is (20 years younger) is attracted to Him, and that made Him excited. - I may be way off base, BUT when I read this, my first thought was he put that out there on purpose...to make you jealous (I hate to admit it, but I've done this in past relationships)...to see how you would respond if he mentioned another woman. If you didn't care, he would know you just really want to be friends...but if you responded (even in a way that was more than he expected), he would know you cared...kwim? If he is as co-dependent as you believe, I wouldn't doubt he threw that out there as a little bait...and it's not necessarily your fault if he hauled in a shark when he cast that line:-) However, if you're uncomfortable with what you said, then I think it's good and healthy to make restitution...own up to it...for both your sakes...which it sounds like you did. I think we should always follow our own internal compass and measure ourselves against our own moral and ethical code...not the one others try to put on us.

Freedom1990

Beautiful description, and I can relate!

When I first met my ex-fiance online, I told myself it was just a friendship.

He was down in Florida and I was in Kansas.

I was emotionally entwined before he ever moved up to Kansas and in with me.

I could get emotionally drunk on the opposite end of the spectrum, the feel-good emotional drunk. I'd grab the tidbits he tossed my way and revel in my altered state of mind.

My name is DeVon, and I was addicted to mood-altering men.

sofacat

That Little Girl-

I was thinking the SAME EXACT THING!!!!! Seriously. He knows me well enough by now to know what my hot buttons are. And I have been pulling back a little lately. I think we're right on this one. I showed my hand. dammit!!! PMS reared it's ugly head and the talons came out.

"and it's not necessarily your fault if he hauled in a shark when he cast that line:-)"

I love the way you put that! I am actually laughing out loud over it!

coffeedrinker

Sofa, when do we just jump in and enjoy the swim? Well, easy for us to say: "Ah! Retreat! You're not ready!" But in Real life, it's hard to just keep backing away. We ARE human, and we DO have human needs. And guess what? Some of them are HEALTHY human needs.

You are for sure doing what I do, with the analyzing, questioning EVERYTHING, second-guessing.

I think that TLG really hit a nail on the head here. Hmm....some game-playing?

My brother told me shortly after his divorce and hook-up with a seriously dysfunctional woman that he was so infatuated with he couldn't see straight....that it is so normal to jump rather quickly into a new relationship that it happens more often that not. And his take on it, was that he sort of had to go through some relationship junk to get to where he did get. Like practice.
You can't learn how to be in relationship by looking at others, by reading a book, you need to do it, and learn from those experiences.

I said to my therapist two weeks ago:

"I feel some guilt for not pining over Brian anymore. I feel like suddenly he is so disposable. Like because I am experiencing other people, and because I currently am seeing someone whom I really enjoy, that....what....I just move on the rest of the way, and leave him in the dust?"

His reply was, "Well, Christine, that's what we do."

This is the second thing that he has said that I'm not sure how I feel about. It makes me question whether he is as knowledgeable as I had given him credit for. But one thing is sure and that's that because of my relationship with this therapist, I set really good boundaries, I moved away from someone that although I cared about wasn't healthy for me to be with, and I am continuing the discovery process.

Take what you like and leave the rest I guess.

outtolunch

This belongs in the best of the best on this forum.

sofacat

So, as I sit here with my coffee and ponder this....

If he WAS baiting Me, should I see this as a red flag? A game player? Or perhaps a common human response in the courting ritual?

I keep replaying the "Madea Gives Relationship Advice" over in my head.... she quotes Maya Angelou "When someone shows you who they are, believe them."


I see this as a red flag. Though, without definitive proof that he was baiting me...or just flat out asking Him...I will have to go with My gut, and the sound advice from my SR family.

coffeedrinker

Sofa,

I think you could be right about the flag. But we all have some flaws -- one of my trouble spots is to look at a behavior that isn't really great and say "oh, you're not healthy, you're not "good" enough, I'd better move on down the road". But then I also do exactly the opposite. "Oh, you behaved in a less-than perfect way, but you're NOT perfect, as I am not perfect. So....ok." The trap then is: who is good enough? Who doesn't have some stuff? Or am I making excuses or concessions under the umbrella of "none of us is perfect". I guess it's all degrees.

I think this falls into the category of just continuing to get to know him. More shall be revealed.

sofacat

"I think this falls into the category of just continuing to get to know him. More shall be revealed."

I knew you would be here having coffee with Me!

This is very true. And why I am taking my sweet old time getting to know Him.

I am going on a "practice date" this week with an old friend. He has a little liking for Me...but I have no "intoxicating" feelings for Him. I figured, I'd just go on little journeys with people that don't make my ground shaky for a little while until I get all that "stage fright" out of my system. Maybe a bit of esteem boost in the process.

Good idea?