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So Discouraged

Old 07-25-2010, 07:59 PM
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rozied
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So Discouraged

I have been coming here on and off for about 5 yrs. Before that I had been in a few 12 step programs, but its still very hard. For me it was easier when it was my husband who was the addict cuz after 10yrs I divorced him. That was over 30 yrs ago. Now the addict is my 43 yr old son and its alot harder cuz you cannot divorce your child, but I can separate myself from him and thats what I've finally done.
He got out of jail Christmas Day and since he has been out it is one mess after another and I cannot believe a word he says. Last Monday he asked me to cash a check for him that his girlfriend got from her father so I did. He swore the check was good. Friday there was money missing out of my cking account so I called my bank. I had completely forgotten about the ck. Well it was returned for insufficient funds, so it cost me $150 for the ck & a $12 service charge.
There is so much it is silly to even post it all. I am broken hearted but that doesn't solve anything. He is hurting everyone in our family and I cannot have that. The only thing I can do is separate myself from him.
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Old 07-25-2010, 08:53 PM
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Do you have any emotional support available to you?
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Old 07-25-2010, 08:59 PM
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(((Rozied))) - I'm sorry your son can't seem to find his way. I don't have a child that is struggling with addiction, but I have a niece who is "expereminting" with alcohol, and I love her as much as if she were mine, so I have an idea.

I also wonder if you have any support? I know the deal with your parents, and that's got to be hard. I know that I couldn't survive MY addiction/codie recovery without the f2f support I get. SR is great, but sometimes I need a real hug or someone at the other end of the phone.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 07-25-2010, 09:10 PM
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I'm so sorry you have to go through this. You do need to step away. I have been in your shoes more times that I can tell you and my daughter was only 21. You need to make him responsible. I personally called the police, multiple times. Tell him you love him, but you are not going to put up with this! Period! Then let him know that as long as he is using that you cannot put your self in harms way, either emmotionally, physically or financially and will not participate. Chino is right you need to find some emmotional support for YOU! Keeping you in my prayers.
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Old 07-25-2010, 09:17 PM
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rozied, We've been on here for quite a while together. Addiction is plain nasty and if you need to talk PM me and I'll give you a call.....I'm so sorry your going through this again...smiles, Bonnnie
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Old 07-26-2010, 04:40 AM
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Roz,

I must say you are one of the most stubborn enablers I have ever met, you must have inherited it from your parents.

Sure hope that you have finally hit your bottom, and, will let the HP do what is right for your son.

All this enabling you and his grandparents do only prolong his decent and keep wiping out any possiblity of him seeking recovery.

He is a middle aged man, allow him the dignity to resolve this addiction on his own terms. No contact!

Get to those meetings, and Keep Posting, it will help.

All said with love,

Dolly
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Old 07-26-2010, 06:28 AM
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I would have to agree with Dolly on this one....step away from the addict.

Nothing will change with him if you aren't willing to make a change within yourself. I'm not saying this to be harsh...however, you will get discouraged each and every time you tango with the addict.
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Old 07-26-2010, 07:03 AM
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Yeah, I fell for the old 'can you cash this check for me' scam myself. Not only do you get stuck covering the check and fees, but most likely her father was charged the $30 or so returned check fee. That's $200 you and her father paid so that they could get high...quite the scam really, especially when they know they won't suffer much, if any, consequence from it.

No, you can't divorce your child, but you can learn to say no and mean it. Took me a long time, but my AS doesn't even bother trying anymore after I just started saying no as a complete sentence. (I learned that handy tool right here on SR
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Old 07-26-2010, 08:31 AM
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Rozied
My son often takes runs at me for this or that. I understand how difficult it is to say no to them. You are a kind, loving and generous person.....and those are good things. It is very difficult but I have to try to remember that those traits are good and appreciated by most of the people in my life but they are traits I have to carefully manage because they can be absolutely lethal to my addicted son.

It feels crappy enough to realize that he has once again taken advantage of you. You don't need me to rub your nose in it. Just writing it here was good! It means that you are self aware in retrospect. That's really good! It's a step in the right direction. Addicts are really tricky and we can't beat ourselves up when they dupe us. We need to remember the hundreds of times they didn't and we were strong enough to say "No". Be gentle with yourself.......only you can insulate yourself from your addicted son.

gentle hugs to you as you walk this difficult path of self discovery.
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Old 07-26-2010, 09:47 AM
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It's so difficult not to give up and keep getting beat up emotionally by all of this. These people are right, you and I have to walk away from our addicts. My son is in jail and had a plan for when he gets out, but his addict dad went to see him yesterday and now bob's plans have changed which puts him right back in the line of fire.

I have a al anon meeting tonight and canceled my planned visit to the jail to see my son tomorrow. I sent my son and his dad a letter telling them that I love him very much, but am taking myself out of the picture before I go through another round of lies, being robbed, hospitals, and jail visits. Now I have to find the strength not to give in and be manipulated. I see what will happen if my son takes on this new plan and I don't want to be any part of it.
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Old 07-26-2010, 02:17 PM
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Rozie, I can't count the scams I fell for, over and over because I wanted so much to believe that "this time would be different".

I learned that it was true what they said "Nothing changes if nothing changes" so I had to change me.

Although my son has been missing for many years now, if he came to me tomorrow with 6 years clean...I still would not do anything for him except continue to pray for him.

Once trust has been broken (especially many times over) I no longer trust. I can love, encourage and pray, but trust just doesn't come easy to me these days.

Sending big hugs because I know how hard this is for you. And I encourage you to get back to those meetings and surround yourself with support. They saved my life and they can save yours too.

Love you Rozie, and I keep your boy in my prayers every day.

Hugs
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Old 07-26-2010, 06:34 PM
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Rozie,
I think we do what do because deep down inside we want so badly for them to do the right thing. So we keep giving chance after chance, and keep getting devastated in the process.

I have done the same as you time after time, expecting AS to come through. Wanting so bad for it to work out just this once. If it did, then I could say that something has changed for the better. But sadly, it never does.

I now know that if I'm taken its my own fault. I should know better and expect no more than he can give, which is nothing while he is active in his addiction.

Us mom's find great joy in helping our kids. But to expect my AS to act the same as my healthy kids is just not fair to anyone.

I'm sorry your were hurt again

(((Hugs)))
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Old 07-26-2010, 06:37 PM
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Progress not perfection. Don't beat yourself up. It is not easy maintaining a relationship with an addict son. Keeping the relationship is important, and you don't slip up with him too often. Chalk this one up as a relapse on your part. We relapse too.

As you prob. , my only son died from addiction in June.
You still can have hope, while detaching as necessary, that your son may change one day.
We suffer when our grown kids are addicts.
We suffer if they die of the disease.
Either way we have to manage our suffering in the best way we can figure out.
Sending support.
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