Cut Off Point
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 59
Cut Off Point
I went to see my son in jail today. Normally I look forward to hearing his plans and the little goals he sets for himself and accomplishes. Today was just awful.
His dad finally came to see him (hasn't returned his calls or written him for months). Bobby was so excited to tell me that when he gets out, he's going to get a job with his dad (an alcoholic and daily pot smoker, among other things).
His dad spent the entire 50 minutes of their visitation talking about how terrible it is that he has to bike back and forth to work because I took his license away and I only think for myself. He told Bobby that he can't stand to have another child in the military and be left all alone. He convinced Bobby that everything will be all right.
All this is going to do is compromise his sobriety. As usual, his father will let him down, they'll start selling pot again and hang with other drug users. His dad's family are always in and out of jail for drugs, violence, stolen property, and dwi's.
I believe I am left with no choice than to tell my son he cannot come home when he gets out of jail in 2 months. I am so upset and so disappointed.
Why couldn't his dad just stay away? If he loves our son, why can't he stay away from him?
His dad finally came to see him (hasn't returned his calls or written him for months). Bobby was so excited to tell me that when he gets out, he's going to get a job with his dad (an alcoholic and daily pot smoker, among other things).
His dad spent the entire 50 minutes of their visitation talking about how terrible it is that he has to bike back and forth to work because I took his license away and I only think for myself. He told Bobby that he can't stand to have another child in the military and be left all alone. He convinced Bobby that everything will be all right.
All this is going to do is compromise his sobriety. As usual, his father will let him down, they'll start selling pot again and hang with other drug users. His dad's family are always in and out of jail for drugs, violence, stolen property, and dwi's.
I believe I am left with no choice than to tell my son he cannot come home when he gets out of jail in 2 months. I am so upset and so disappointed.
Why couldn't his dad just stay away? If he loves our son, why can't he stay away from him?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
We are powerless over our kids and anyone they decide to hang out with...it's just the way it is.
But we are not their only healthy option, we're not even a good one, trust me I've been there and done that and it rarely works. I exhausted myself trying to provide my son with a healthy, loving home, and it never once stopped his relapse or using but it did bring chaos into my safe zone, my home.
There are sober living houses they can choose to live at if they want to be safe and stay sober. Or rehabs if they struggle. The Salvation Army Rehab is a very good program and it's free.
It's hard to tell a child they cannot come home, but it's harder to let them in and then have a front row seat to the drama of their addiction.
Keeping you and your son in my prayers. Sometimes it stinks to be us.
Hugs
But we are not their only healthy option, we're not even a good one, trust me I've been there and done that and it rarely works. I exhausted myself trying to provide my son with a healthy, loving home, and it never once stopped his relapse or using but it did bring chaos into my safe zone, my home.
There are sober living houses they can choose to live at if they want to be safe and stay sober. Or rehabs if they struggle. The Salvation Army Rehab is a very good program and it's free.
It's hard to tell a child they cannot come home, but it's harder to let them in and then have a front row seat to the drama of their addiction.
Keeping you and your son in my prayers. Sometimes it stinks to be us.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
He told Bobby that he can't stand to have another child in the military and be left all alone.
What a dad!
Did Bobby have plans for the military? could he join after jail? i guess if it was not a felony it is okay.
He can't stay away from him because he wants to control him and therefore hurt you.
I have been on the receiving end of this nonsense before.
I am very sorry Bobbys dad is so toxic.
Can you talk to Bobby? Or maybe a trusted friend or pastor?
I understand how much kids still love and want their dad to love them. The addicts are incapable of love though.
Beth
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 59
My son can still get in the military, thank goodness. He contacted recruiters and they will be knocking on the door when he gets out.
My ex-husband is a master manipulator when it comes to the kids. Only my middle child has seen that and has been able to keep in touch with him without getting sucked in.
Dad is a seasoned addict-everything is always someone else's fault. He and I are about to go to court over back child support and of course he used that today to evoke pity from Bobby. The state took his driver's license, so of course what was said was that I caused him to lose his license, not that the state decided to take his license because he owes over $20K. The man lives 3 blocks from the jail and told Bobby he hasn't seen him or written to him because I caused him to lose his license. Bobby asked me if I would ask the judge to drop the arrears cuz his dad is having a hard time. I told him no and he needs to not get involved with these issues, and tell his dad to change the subject when he brings it up.
When daddy-o got a DUI with me nowhere near him, he blamed it on me. When he started smoking crack, he blamed it on me. He blames his pot smoking and drinking on me. We've been divorced for 17 years.
I just got off the phone with my daughter. She is going to try and talk to Bobby and their dad.
If Bobby is going to get back in the circle, he will have to go it alone; either live at the Salvation Army or with his dad. I'm out of it.
My ex-husband is a master manipulator when it comes to the kids. Only my middle child has seen that and has been able to keep in touch with him without getting sucked in.
Dad is a seasoned addict-everything is always someone else's fault. He and I are about to go to court over back child support and of course he used that today to evoke pity from Bobby. The state took his driver's license, so of course what was said was that I caused him to lose his license, not that the state decided to take his license because he owes over $20K. The man lives 3 blocks from the jail and told Bobby he hasn't seen him or written to him because I caused him to lose his license. Bobby asked me if I would ask the judge to drop the arrears cuz his dad is having a hard time. I told him no and he needs to not get involved with these issues, and tell his dad to change the subject when he brings it up.
When daddy-o got a DUI with me nowhere near him, he blamed it on me. When he started smoking crack, he blamed it on me. He blames his pot smoking and drinking on me. We've been divorced for 17 years.
I just got off the phone with my daughter. She is going to try and talk to Bobby and their dad.
If Bobby is going to get back in the circle, he will have to go it alone; either live at the Salvation Army or with his dad. I'm out of it.
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 59
I did it. Canceled my visit with my son tomorrow and going to a meeting instead. I wrote both my ex and my son letters telling them that I will not be a part of the new plan; i have set my boundaries.
I told my ex that he is in denial and our son is one needle away from death. Putting him back into a world of users will cause him to fail. I told him that I can't compete with him, can't play the pity game with the kids and can't be a part of their destruction any longer. Told daddy-o that he can visit the jail 3 times a week, put money in his commissary account, write to him daily and support our son when he gets out. Told him that he can be the bad guy from now on.
Told my son that he can love his dad, but he needs to stop believing all the false promises he's told him and never delivered on. I told him that after the plan fails again, he can't come home to me; I am done because I can't help him.
I told my ex that he is in denial and our son is one needle away from death. Putting him back into a world of users will cause him to fail. I told him that I can't compete with him, can't play the pity game with the kids and can't be a part of their destruction any longer. Told daddy-o that he can visit the jail 3 times a week, put money in his commissary account, write to him daily and support our son when he gets out. Told him that he can be the bad guy from now on.
Told my son that he can love his dad, but he needs to stop believing all the false promises he's told him and never delivered on. I told him that after the plan fails again, he can't come home to me; I am done because I can't help him.
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 59
Thanks. I can't wait until that meeting tonight. I just feel so broken and so alone. I mean, it's so backwards that bobby loves his dad so much that he's blind to the fact that his dad has never done anything good for him. his dad tells him how much he loves and that his life is so pathetic that he can't visit him or write him or take his phone calls because of me.
i've sat the kids down and explained to them that i left their dad because of drugs and alcohol and he turns around tells them that i'm the reason he's an alcoholic and a drug user. he told the kids that when i left him, he was so hurt by me that he started smoking crack.
he started smoking pot with them and their friends when they were 15 years old. he and bobby were selling pot together. when dad's girlfriend told her co-workers about bob getting high with his kids and it got back to my family, he laughed it off.
i've sent the kids to counseling, to doctors, to church, to meetings, and every single time we make progress, dad jumps in and it starts all over again.
i give up. i can't go through another round of this. I just can't take another beating.
i've sat the kids down and explained to them that i left their dad because of drugs and alcohol and he turns around tells them that i'm the reason he's an alcoholic and a drug user. he told the kids that when i left him, he was so hurt by me that he started smoking crack.
he started smoking pot with them and their friends when they were 15 years old. he and bobby were selling pot together. when dad's girlfriend told her co-workers about bob getting high with his kids and it got back to my family, he laughed it off.
i've sent the kids to counseling, to doctors, to church, to meetings, and every single time we make progress, dad jumps in and it starts all over again.
i give up. i can't go through another round of this. I just can't take another beating.
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 59
now the daughter that's addicted just told me to f*** off, she's not hooked, and i don't know anything about what she does.
i give up, i give up, i give up, i give up. i want my life back.
i give up, i give up, i give up, i give up. i want my life back.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,851
Just because you gave birth to them does not mean you have to take abuse from them. From what you've posted, I think you are making exactly the right decision where your son is concerned. I don't know anything about your daughter, her age, whether she lives with you, etc., but it sounds like she could use a good dose of reality in her life, too.
Hang in there. I agree that you should do something nice for yourself, and good luck at your meeting.
Hang in there. I agree that you should do something nice for yourself, and good luck at your meeting.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
coolrobin: Just another mom here who's been there, done that. I too have been divorced from the bio dad for 20 years, and i imagine i'm still getting the blame for his present failures. I have not seen or talked to him in years, but he lives in the area.
My advice is to continue to stick to your guns. Like others have said, we are not their salvation. Heck, we are not even in the running. But, being a parent, we do have some influence. And you will be influencing your son mightily by sticking to your guns on this.
Might i suggest, though, that you say it only once. No more contact with the ex-husband, no more talking about it to the daughter. Only say it again (very quickly without added conversation) to the son ONLY if he brings up the topic. Let your silence now speak for you. Because, as we say in recovery circles, once an addict gets ya talking, you've been had.
My advice is to continue to stick to your guns. Like others have said, we are not their salvation. Heck, we are not even in the running. But, being a parent, we do have some influence. And you will be influencing your son mightily by sticking to your guns on this.
Might i suggest, though, that you say it only once. No more contact with the ex-husband, no more talking about it to the daughter. Only say it again (very quickly without added conversation) to the son ONLY if he brings up the topic. Let your silence now speak for you. Because, as we say in recovery circles, once an addict gets ya talking, you've been had.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,249
Coolrobin, I too have had to deal with a poor role model as the father to my son. My ex stole my son from me when he was 18 and all the hard work of taking him to school, and homework, and teaching basic things was over. Then he tried to be his friend, instead of his father. He let him roam the streets, and allowed him to become an addict.
I'm not blaming my ex for my son's addiction, but I wasn't there. And I couldn't do my job as a mother and look in my boys eyes every day. He was with his dad, my ex, at that time, and it was his fathers responsibility to check and to know what his son was doing. I never said a thing to my son about his father. He figured it all out on his own, and loves his dad unconditionally. He said he knows his father is limited, but loves him anyway. He also admitted to me that he only went to live with his father, because I was to strict, and he knew he could do what ever it was he wanted to do. I guess getting high, was one of those things.
He knew he couldn't do that with me. It wouldn't be allowed.
Ofcourse my son loves his father, and he is still trying to get his dads attention any way he possibly can. Boys want their fathers acceptance. I don't know how old your son in jail is, but I can tell you this. He will eventually see his father for who he really is. Without you saying a thing.
It took me a long time to learn that I was powerless over who my son was going to love and spend time with. When my son went into rehab, his father did nothing for him. He told him that he will speak to him when he's clean.
It was me who was there for him every step of the way. Yet, it was his father who my son wrote to. He keeps trying to win his fathers love.
It drove me crazy for many years as I watched his father undo everything I worked so hard to do. I was defeated. He took my son at 18 almost 19 and let him do what ever he wanted. Nobody would listen to me. Well, here's the results, a drug addict son, and Daddy is doing nothing to help.
Do yourself a favor, and let it go. I had the hardest time with that. It was a constant war, that resolved nothing. Your boy has to learn for himself. I'm sorry for you, because I know what is going on. It's a tough situation. It's hard to step back, when it's your child. After all I picked this man, and I had the baby with him. It's not the childs fault.
So, I'm sending you a hug, and some understanding. Hang in there. He will eventually grow up and learn for himself.
:ghug3
I'm not blaming my ex for my son's addiction, but I wasn't there. And I couldn't do my job as a mother and look in my boys eyes every day. He was with his dad, my ex, at that time, and it was his fathers responsibility to check and to know what his son was doing. I never said a thing to my son about his father. He figured it all out on his own, and loves his dad unconditionally. He said he knows his father is limited, but loves him anyway. He also admitted to me that he only went to live with his father, because I was to strict, and he knew he could do what ever it was he wanted to do. I guess getting high, was one of those things.
He knew he couldn't do that with me. It wouldn't be allowed.
Ofcourse my son loves his father, and he is still trying to get his dads attention any way he possibly can. Boys want their fathers acceptance. I don't know how old your son in jail is, but I can tell you this. He will eventually see his father for who he really is. Without you saying a thing.
It took me a long time to learn that I was powerless over who my son was going to love and spend time with. When my son went into rehab, his father did nothing for him. He told him that he will speak to him when he's clean.
It was me who was there for him every step of the way. Yet, it was his father who my son wrote to. He keeps trying to win his fathers love.
It drove me crazy for many years as I watched his father undo everything I worked so hard to do. I was defeated. He took my son at 18 almost 19 and let him do what ever he wanted. Nobody would listen to me. Well, here's the results, a drug addict son, and Daddy is doing nothing to help.
Do yourself a favor, and let it go. I had the hardest time with that. It was a constant war, that resolved nothing. Your boy has to learn for himself. I'm sorry for you, because I know what is going on. It's a tough situation. It's hard to step back, when it's your child. After all I picked this man, and I had the baby with him. It's not the childs fault.
So, I'm sending you a hug, and some understanding. Hang in there. He will eventually grow up and learn for himself.
:ghug3
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 59
The daughter who told me off is the other addicted child; she's 24 and hooked hard. I don't talk to her about my son at all because she's constantly mad at me and will purposely try to cause drama. She told me to f*** off because she wanted to come home and I told her she needed to go to rehab, which she denied having a problem at all in spite of the fact that I found all my spoons burnt up and hidden in her purse along with syringes.
My middle child, Joanne, supports me in this. She has been such a blessing during all of this. She saw the light about 3 years ago concerning her dad. She loves him, but doesn't make excuses for him. When she went to Iraq and went through some really scary stuff, her dad never wrote to her, sent her a card or anything. When she came home on leave, he didn't come to the airport, come to her party, or see her off when she left. When she came home for good, he didn't bother with her, but asked to borrow money from her. She asked him why he didn't write to her and he said "it hurt too much." So, she has learned to take him in context.
I thought we had a breakthrough with my son, but it's not a breakthrough at all. I have decided to let it go. I've said my peace, set my boundaries, told my son I love him very much, but I am detaching myself from this situation.
You all are such wonderful people. Thank you, so much!
My middle child, Joanne, supports me in this. She has been such a blessing during all of this. She saw the light about 3 years ago concerning her dad. She loves him, but doesn't make excuses for him. When she went to Iraq and went through some really scary stuff, her dad never wrote to her, sent her a card or anything. When she came home on leave, he didn't come to the airport, come to her party, or see her off when she left. When she came home for good, he didn't bother with her, but asked to borrow money from her. She asked him why he didn't write to her and he said "it hurt too much." So, she has learned to take him in context.
I thought we had a breakthrough with my son, but it's not a breakthrough at all. I have decided to let it go. I've said my peace, set my boundaries, told my son I love him very much, but I am detaching myself from this situation.
You all are such wonderful people. Thank you, so much!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,249
Well Coolrobin, when you know better, you do better. It seems to me you know better.
I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with all of this in your life. This is alot for anyone. It's a tough thing to deal with, especially the son in jail, addict daughter, and the father. He is not at all part of the solution, but most definitely part of the problem. Thank GOD you have your daughter Joanne. I too felt that my son's father was part of the problem. Unfortunately I couldn't change a thing about it. Your smart to detach. I wasn't capable of detaching. I am still learning to do that. I wish your family a healing.
I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with all of this in your life. This is alot for anyone. It's a tough thing to deal with, especially the son in jail, addict daughter, and the father. He is not at all part of the solution, but most definitely part of the problem. Thank GOD you have your daughter Joanne. I too felt that my son's father was part of the problem. Unfortunately I couldn't change a thing about it. Your smart to detach. I wasn't capable of detaching. I am still learning to do that. I wish your family a healing.
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