URMYEVERYTHING

I just figured I would go out on a limb here and post about my experience on here......

At first, I was so wanting to read or have someone tell me that I was in the right staying with my exabf. I defended him...I defended our relationship.

I came to SR to get insight on if a relationship with an addict will work, what to expect from him and us and what to do. I knew that if I came here I would here some tough things, some soothing things and some downright hurtful things. However, the hurtful things only stabbed me when I let them. Now, when I go back and read some of the comments others have made (which I thought was the most horrible thing) I laugh. I laugh because it was true. All of what was said was true and genuine. The tough questions and comments people made needed to be asked. I would have never been challenged to think about the consequences of staying with an addict. Nor would I have had the opportunity to detach from his chaos as it occurred.

Yet, it still took me 2 years to do. And, that was on my own time. No one here pushed me to make that decision. But boy oh boy, I wish I would have dropped my defensive guns a long time ago. I wouldn't feel so guilty now for staying as long as I did. All of the things that some told me might happen...did. And...here I am. Back to SR again to now heal the wounds I could have prevented a long time ago.

I had to learn to separate the tone of a post from the actual words being written. The tone of the post can at times be taken a completely different way. I mean we are on the computer after all. I couldn't get hung up on what should have been said vs. what I was looking for.

If things are said that I do not like.....I step away from the computer......I come back and re-read it without a defensive wall up.

I have learned through this expereince and being on SR that people are not always going to tell you what you want to hear. That is not recovery. Do we expect that from our addicts? Do we treat them that way? Telling them only what they want to hear? In that case, they will NEVER recover.

I believe that if you truly want recovery for yourself....then opening up your mind and heart to the people here can only benefit you. I say this because it has helped me.

Bless.

Hammerhead

URMYEVERYTHING... that sounds almost exactly what I experienced... Are you sure you're not me?


Addiction and co-dependency... require a very specific, specialized and regimented "medicine" to get better... and "medicine" NEVER... NEVER tastes good... but when we do take the "medicine"...one day at a time... we DO get better!

Impurrfect

((UR)) - great post!!

I remember coming here as an RA and someone with a whole lot of codie issues. Yes, some things "stung" but I guess I was at a point where I knew MY way wasn't working any more and I was tired of being all stressed out over actions of others. It's still taken me 3+ years, my own addiction recovery, and lots of work to get to the point I'm at now.

I remember one A posting a reply to mine, about how I'd gone from making good money as an RN, to working a minimum wage job, yet I felt GOOD about myself. He replied that he'd "rather be dead" than working a minimum wage job. Yep, that stung, and for a moment, I questioned myself. However, I'd been here long enough to know that I was doing what I had to do. I'm still clean, he has been MIA here for quite a while after failed rehab and relapses.

When my XABF died, last Dec., from his addiction, it was thanks to the great people here that I know it wasn't my fault. I'd done what I could, but I couldn't save him.

I've found, with BOTH my recoveries (codie and addiction) that I had to be at a point where I willing to try something else, and for me, that took being pretty darned miserable. Heck, I read "codie no more" so much, 20 years ago (I think) that I wore it out and had to buy a new copy. Yet, I STILL continued on in my codie ways and developed my own addiction. I just wasn't ready.

I think all of us still want to help those who are struggling, here, "get it". Those of us who have been through what someone else is going through, yet moved on and moved forward HURT when we see someone else struggle. Yes, some of it may seem blunt, but I wouldn't have it any other way. It's the people who cared enough about me to point out where I might be trying to control someone/something else that have helped me move forward in my codie recovery.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Chino

I read a lot of stuff in several forums and learn from everyone's shares. It's so odd sometimes how something really stays with me, then what do you know, it pops up in my real life. Coincidence? Preparation meeting opportunity? Everyone gets me thinking a little deeper inside myself and that's a great thing.

meditation

I remember not liking anything I heard in rehab. There was nothing gentle about it, those folks were intent on getting into the things that I did not want to talk about or see about myself. But amazingly even though it hurt to be told I was nothing but a "dirty addict" and other things to shake loose the denial of my disease, I decided that I was going to be a recovered clean addict that was valuable to society.
I've become more patient and tolerant of people as I get recovery. If people had not given me some hard truths and some real consequences I would still be out there. I think that hard truth mixed with hope and encouragement is what saved me. If it had been without compassion I would have gone back out to even spite myself, it had to be all that mixed together but I think that here on SR I've been treated with wonderful respect and made some nice friends.
Each person that comes here whether addict or suffering from co-dependency has to find that they are ready to hear and ready to be vulnerable and share and ready to give out support and truth and honesty. Noone could have made me get into recovery before I was ready. Impurfect has been a great friend to me and given me hope and encouragement, she's about PURFECT but she's worked it. Thanks for being there for me.

URMYEVERYTHING

@ Anvil...thanks so much. That means a lot to me to hear that!

@ Hammer.... yeah. Sometimes I think I have a lot of prototypes on here. I can just slip right into their shoes. I just have to remember not to take the wheel and drive their car. I love the bad medicine analogy. Is that like Bon Jovi's Bad Medicine? Ha Ha.

@ Impurr.... I do want to shake some people on here but you know...others felt that way about me as well. I see that you live in Atlanta. I'll be there on Tuesday. This was suppose to be the time exabf and I went on our vacay. I already took the days off from work and figured instead of sit here and do nothing, I'll get my butt out and see some very good friends in the great city of ATL. I will be surrounded by friends who have never strayed from our relationship and have always been there. It's good to know when people have your back. I know the people on here will have my back in cyberland just like those I have in real life.

@Chino....I totally agree. I have had those "ah ha" moments plenty of times after reading something here and it actually happen.

@ Meditation.... first, let me just say that your Avatar cracks me up! It is soooo freakin cute and reminds me of my hamster I had when I was a little girl. With that being said... I agree Impurr ROCKS!

suki44883

Anvil...you still have that roommate?!?!

okay, sorry for the hijack.

URMYEVERYTHING

Same here and I just had to give up. Like everyone else here...I had so much hope in that it would work and projected into the future of how we would be, however, the image I had on how we would be was not reality at all. There was no nice guy or the guy I met that returned. That man is still recovering and has a far way to go.

Your stories have been powerful to me and I remember all that you said 2 years ago. It has greatly helped me to realize where I stand in his recovery and in my own.

hello-kitty

:-)

I remember that. Those same people said that to me about 6 months early. One man (god rest his soul) said, maybe you just don't want to quit. maybe things aren't bad enough for you yet.

I got peeved at that.

Now here I am 5-6 years later.

Thank GOD for those people who held my face down in the mud puddle so I could see the reflection of just how dirty and screwed up my thinking was those days.

They were honest.

I'm so grateful. I don't know where I would be today if they'd treated me with pity and kid gloves.

I would have lost my child, my family, my sanity... forever.