So...here I sit
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
So...here I sit
I recently posted about my suicidal son. This has been a very tough week. He called me at work a little while ago to tell me that he is ready for help. He wanted to meet me at my house.......
I am home now.....waiting for him to arrive. I'll listen to what he has to say without judgement or condemnation. I'm praying and hoping that he is ready for recovery but I have no expectations.
Man.....I need a gentle hug!
I am home now.....waiting for him to arrive. I'll listen to what he has to say without judgement or condemnation. I'm praying and hoping that he is ready for recovery but I have no expectations.
Man.....I need a gentle hug!
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Ontario
Posts: 11
HUGS!!
I dont know much about this stuff but have seen what sons can do to their mothers. That is still the one person my spouse can still get to do what he wants. He is living there again and he is 31 yrs old!!
I think he should do it on his own, what does he need you for? Are his fingers broken that he can not call on his own to get help? He called you right?
From what I am seeing over the last few days in reading is that you need to let him do it on his own and that he is still ruling you. You left work to talk to him?
All the best I hope it all works out for him and you.
I dont know much about this stuff but have seen what sons can do to their mothers. That is still the one person my spouse can still get to do what he wants. He is living there again and he is 31 yrs old!!
I think he should do it on his own, what does he need you for? Are his fingers broken that he can not call on his own to get help? He called you right?
From what I am seeing over the last few days in reading is that you need to let him do it on his own and that he is still ruling you. You left work to talk to him?
All the best I hope it all works out for him and you.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
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Thank you to those of you who provided the much needed hugs.
Unfortunately, there are some here who find it their role in life to judge or ask the "tough" questions that THEY feel are important to them. Gently I ask you to walk your own path and allow me to walk mine.....even if I don't do it the way you think I should.
Recovery is a process and we all do it our own way, in our own time, and make our own mistakes along the way.
When he called, he said "I'm ready for help." And for the moment, I'm ok with that.
Unfortunately, there are some here who find it their role in life to judge or ask the "tough" questions that THEY feel are important to them. Gently I ask you to walk your own path and allow me to walk mine.....even if I don't do it the way you think I should.
Recovery is a process and we all do it our own way, in our own time, and make our own mistakes along the way.
When he called, he said "I'm ready for help." And for the moment, I'm ok with that.
it is what it is
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Griffin GA
Posts: 454
Kindeyes - I was sending you prayers and thoughts through thanks to others' comments until your last post - then I had to speak up and say thank you for speaking up for yourself - only you know where you and your son are at this time - you have to decide for yourself what you should or can do for him right now - it is not our place to tell you that - I pray for good to come out of the situation today -
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by Kindeyes 
Unfortunately, there are some here who find it their role in life to judge or ask the "tough" questions .
Posters, like me, thank their lucky stars everytime someone asks the tough question or looks at a situation from a different angle than my own.
I have never, not once, felt judged by anyone, here.
Other posters just want a hug and they find that here, too.
And lastly, some only want to hear what they want to hear.
We are all free to take what we need and leave the rest.
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
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Lots of hugs. I hope all goes well and you have (or had) a good meeting with your son.
I think there is a belief sometimes since we are fixers by nature that posts must be "advice." My favorites posts are rarely ones where advice is given. I am mostly drawn to the ones where the words "you should" are not mentioned or implied.
I think there is a belief sometimes since we are fixers by nature that posts must be "advice." My favorites posts are rarely ones where advice is given. I am mostly drawn to the ones where the words "you should" are not mentioned or implied.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
Originally Posted by Kindeyes
Thank you to those of you who provided the much needed hugs.
Unfortunately, there are some here who find it their role in life to judge or ask the "tough" questions that THEY feel are important to them. Gently I ask you to walk your own path and allow me to walk mine.....even if I don't do it the way you think I should.
Recovery is a process and we all do it our own way, in our own time, and make our own mistakes along the way.
When he called, he said "I'm ready for help." And for the moment, I'm ok with that.
Unfortunately, there are some here who find it their role in life to judge or ask the "tough" questions that THEY feel are important to them. Gently I ask you to walk your own path and allow me to walk mine.....even if I don't do it the way you think I should.
Recovery is a process and we all do it our own way, in our own time, and make our own mistakes along the way.
When he called, he said "I'm ready for help." And for the moment, I'm ok with that.
Recovery is a process... but it is a process that each person has to make on their own... Your child has his... you have yours... and I have mine. I am certain that all of us here DO feel your pain.... or we wouldn't respond with support.
I believe when we involve ourselves in someone elses "recovery"... we (by default) are having expectations... that is the essence of co-dependency...and when we don't acknowledge that... it's called denial.
My experience is if we "help" someone...anyone with their recovery... we rob them of a very necessary gift... the gift of achievement.
I say this with a great deal of love, kindness and a good dose of experience.
When your son said "I'm ready for help"... what can you do to help him in his recovery?
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Hammerhead
Your post had a significantly different tone and approach than a couple of the previous posts...and I thank you for that.
Your point is quite valid. It made me wonder, what can anyone do to help with anyone's recovery? Why are we all here? Because we are looking for support in our own recovery......we are looking for hope, shared experiences, and compassion. We're not necessarily looking for someone to tell us what to do or to question our motives or poke at our bruises.
I agree with greeteachday, the posts that provide the most support for me are the posts that don't contain or imply the words "you should". I will take what I need and leave the rest.
What did the talk with my son accomplish? It allowed me to reinforce my boundaries. It allowed me to show compassion without letting go of those boundaries. It gave me the opportunity to let him know that I can't help him in the way he may think he needs or wants help and that he has to help himself. It gave him the opportunity to tell me where he wants to go from here. I listened. But it's all up to him.
Staying calm and true to myself while dealing with the addict is the epitome of serenity.
Your post had a significantly different tone and approach than a couple of the previous posts...and I thank you for that.
Your point is quite valid. It made me wonder, what can anyone do to help with anyone's recovery? Why are we all here? Because we are looking for support in our own recovery......we are looking for hope, shared experiences, and compassion. We're not necessarily looking for someone to tell us what to do or to question our motives or poke at our bruises.
I agree with greeteachday, the posts that provide the most support for me are the posts that don't contain or imply the words "you should". I will take what I need and leave the rest.
What did the talk with my son accomplish? It allowed me to reinforce my boundaries. It allowed me to show compassion without letting go of those boundaries. It gave me the opportunity to let him know that I can't help him in the way he may think he needs or wants help and that he has to help himself. It gave him the opportunity to tell me where he wants to go from here. I listened. But it's all up to him.
Staying calm and true to myself while dealing with the addict is the epitome of serenity.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
Originally Posted by Kindeyes
What did the talk with my son accomplish? It allowed me to reinforce my boundaries. It allowed me to show compassion without letting go of those boundaries. It gave me the opportunity to let him know that I can't help him in the way he may think he needs or wants help and that he has to help himself. It gave him the opportunity to tell me where he wants to go from here. I listened. But it's all up to him.
Staying calm and true to myself while dealing with the addict is the epitome of serenity.
Staying calm and true to myself while dealing with the addict is the epitome of serenity.
He called me at work a little while ago to tell me that he is ready for help. He wanted to meet me at my house....... I am home now.....waiting for him to arrive.
For me... the real hard part was realizing... it didn't matter what I said...how I said it... or where I said it... ultimately it was up to me to enforce my words/boundaries with actions....(that included not waiting) ... I believe that to be tried, tested and "supposed" part referred to.
Sometimes the most compassionate thing we can do (for them and us) is let them figure it out on their own...
If our "hands-on" compassion and/or love was a way to keeping them straight... I'd still be married...
You are on your own path...and your son is on his own path... and each path is determined by the choices made.
... we are here to help and support YOU.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Kindeyes
Staying calm and true to myself while dealing with the addict is the epitome of serenity.
I'll never forget after my AD turned my household upside down after a temporary stay.
She had one week to come and get her stuff.
When she did show up with some of her cronies to load up boxes, she was so wired, she couldn't stand still.
I cried that night because I finally let go of every single dream I had ever had for her.
It was painful as hell.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: new york
Posts: 227
Because we are looking for support in our own recovery......we are looking for hope, shared experiences, and compassion. We're not necessarily looking for someone to tell us what to do or to question our motives or poke at our bruises.
Well said.... aren't you the same lady who left her 19 yr old "suicidal" son at his house alone? If that isn't letting go and letting God, I don't know what is! Take what you need and God Bless You!!
Well said.... aren't you the same lady who left her 19 yr old "suicidal" son at his house alone? If that isn't letting go and letting God, I don't know what is! Take what you need and God Bless You!!
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