Forgiveness and judgement
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
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Forgiveness and judgement
I am in therapy to help cope with the challenges of dealing with my AS and for help through the grief of losing my beloved father in a horrible accident. Yesterday my therapist suggested that we work on forgiveness. Her suggestion was to work on forgiving myself. She said that forgiveness has no judgement. Forgiveness does not condone or condemn.
I feel that I have a lot to forgive myself for but it is a struggle to do it without judgement. Because why would have to forgive something if it wasn't "wrong"? And that is a judgement in and of itself.
Has anyone mastered the art of not judging themselves or others? Can you provide insight into how you accomplished this?
I feel that I have a lot to forgive myself for but it is a struggle to do it without judgement. Because why would have to forgive something if it wasn't "wrong"? And that is a judgement in and of itself.
Has anyone mastered the art of not judging themselves or others? Can you provide insight into how you accomplished this?
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I don't know about you, but I am my own worst critic.
When I drank again after 4 years clean/sober, and finally made it back into recovery, I spent the next two years endlessly flogging myself for the relapse, and for hurting my loved ones.
I was sitting at a meeting one night, once again berating myself for the relapse two years prior, and an old-timer sitting next to me turned and said, "God's forgiven you. Why can't you forgive yourself? Are you better than God?"
Wow. That was a light bulb moment for me.
I also realized right then and there that if I didn't forgive myself, I was surely headed for the bottle again eventually.
The 12 steps of Alanon and AA have helped me find self-forgiveness, along with a loving sponsor and a whole bunch of other people in my recovery circle.
When I drank again after 4 years clean/sober, and finally made it back into recovery, I spent the next two years endlessly flogging myself for the relapse, and for hurting my loved ones.
I was sitting at a meeting one night, once again berating myself for the relapse two years prior, and an old-timer sitting next to me turned and said, "God's forgiven you. Why can't you forgive yourself? Are you better than God?"
Wow. That was a light bulb moment for me.
I also realized right then and there that if I didn't forgive myself, I was surely headed for the bottle again eventually.
The 12 steps of Alanon and AA have helped me find self-forgiveness, along with a loving sponsor and a whole bunch of other people in my recovery circle.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
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Living in today has helped me to not dwell on the past, which I think is the first step toward forgiveness.
I tell myself all of the time that the past is gone, and the future holds a lot of promise.
I've always thought I was good at forgiving, but then something would set me off and I would begin rehashing everything from the beginning of time.
I'm working on that
I tell myself all of the time that the past is gone, and the future holds a lot of promise.
I've always thought I was good at forgiving, but then something would set me off and I would begin rehashing everything from the beginning of time.
I'm working on that
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Kindeyes, when I consider the word 'judgement' I view it in the context of using the intellect to form an opinion or perhaps make a decision. A judgement that I make can be used to condemn, blame or shame if I allow it to. Judging can be positive or negative...condemnation is what it is.
I can identify with what you shared about forgiving self. I learned in counseling & moreso from my spiritual life, that when I fail to forgive myself, I've been holding myself to a higher standard than is practical or even true. It comes from my family background of perfectionism...which today I view as my own arrogance and lack of respect for others. That's pretty tough talk but is what it took for me to finally realize the depth of my codependency.
In my experience this was just another aspect of my recovery in that I was unconsciously acting as if I am not allowed to make the same mistakes than anyone else. So although it sounds like an unkind thing (see? I'm doing it again?) to say about myself....it's true. The plain truth for me was that my codependent acts all stemmed from the fact that I once felt as if I 'knew better' than somebody else and therefore could fix them or 'help' them fix themeselves.
An example of forgiving myself for something that was not 'wrong' was when I finally realized that I was making it easier for an addict to use drugs. I didn't think it was wrong then...but I do now. With that bit of truth; I can say that once I learned better I did better...it doesn't take what I did away despite my good intentions....despite the very best intentions.
I can identify with what you shared about forgiving self. I learned in counseling & moreso from my spiritual life, that when I fail to forgive myself, I've been holding myself to a higher standard than is practical or even true. It comes from my family background of perfectionism...which today I view as my own arrogance and lack of respect for others. That's pretty tough talk but is what it took for me to finally realize the depth of my codependency.
In my experience this was just another aspect of my recovery in that I was unconsciously acting as if I am not allowed to make the same mistakes than anyone else. So although it sounds like an unkind thing (see? I'm doing it again?) to say about myself....it's true. The plain truth for me was that my codependent acts all stemmed from the fact that I once felt as if I 'knew better' than somebody else and therefore could fix them or 'help' them fix themeselves.
An example of forgiving myself for something that was not 'wrong' was when I finally realized that I was making it easier for an addict to use drugs. I didn't think it was wrong then...but I do now. With that bit of truth; I can say that once I learned better I did better...it doesn't take what I did away despite my good intentions....despite the very best intentions.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Earth
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Kindeyes, I was the most unforgiving person at one time. If you hurt me, I WAS DONE. End of story. My mother was an alcoholic, and I was mad at her for ruining her childrens childhood. We all grew up with addiction because of it. One brother died from an overdose, and my sister was the worst junkie ever, and it just got passed down to all of us. We learned the behaviors. We learned to lie, and to medicate our feelings instead of dealing with them. When I became a mom I couldn't understand it. Putting alcohol before her kids??? I was horrified, and kept thinking that, I wouldn't do that to my son.
I was angry at her and I didn't speak to my mom for 2 years.
Then My mother died. I cannot tell you how guilty and horrible I felt as a daughter. I didn't go see her for 2 years, I wasn't there for her, and I couldn't forgive her, or myself. After she died, I realized that there was alot of good about my mother. That she loved me very much, and she loved all of her children. I realized that she had addiction, and that her father was also a drunk. He died from alcoholism too.
In my sorrow I turned to my faith in GOD. It helped me to forgive my mother, and myself.
My faith has taught me that GOD is loving and forgiving. That we all make mistakes, and that forgiveness means setting ourselves free from the pain and anger. I was so wrong to judge my mother, especially that I was on my way to being a drug addict myself.
At this point in my life, I cannot accept judgemental people in my life. Only GOD is the judge of us all. Nobody has the right to judge another person. He who is without sin, can cast the first stone. Most people judge out of ignorance. They think they are better.
Or that they know everything. You can't judge a person until you have stood in their shoes. Judgement is so wrong. Some of the best people in this world are addicts, and we all make mistakes.
That is why I apologized after reading my post to you the other day. I sounded mean and tough when talking about your son and the gun. And believe me I didn't mean it that way. As a mother I was worried for him, and the disaster that could be. So my tough came out. It's like a defense mechanism for me. It's my survival technique. It's all I knew as a child. Now I can see where I am wrong, and I am capable of admitting it. Not everyone is like that. That's for sure.
I would like to take this time to tell you how sorry I am about your father. That is tragic and so sad, and life is so very hard. I know grief and I know that GOD will lift this grief off of you. It will take time. So you need to grieve now. Be kind to yourself while you are going through all of this heartache. Just know that we are all here for you while your grieving. Take good care of yourself. When I say my prayers I add the heartbroken people from this site to my daily devotions. Thank You for this post. It reminds me not to judge myself, or anyone. And that forgiveness is the greatest lesson of my life.
:ghug3
I was angry at her and I didn't speak to my mom for 2 years.
Then My mother died. I cannot tell you how guilty and horrible I felt as a daughter. I didn't go see her for 2 years, I wasn't there for her, and I couldn't forgive her, or myself. After she died, I realized that there was alot of good about my mother. That she loved me very much, and she loved all of her children. I realized that she had addiction, and that her father was also a drunk. He died from alcoholism too.
In my sorrow I turned to my faith in GOD. It helped me to forgive my mother, and myself.
My faith has taught me that GOD is loving and forgiving. That we all make mistakes, and that forgiveness means setting ourselves free from the pain and anger. I was so wrong to judge my mother, especially that I was on my way to being a drug addict myself.
At this point in my life, I cannot accept judgemental people in my life. Only GOD is the judge of us all. Nobody has the right to judge another person. He who is without sin, can cast the first stone. Most people judge out of ignorance. They think they are better.
Or that they know everything. You can't judge a person until you have stood in their shoes. Judgement is so wrong. Some of the best people in this world are addicts, and we all make mistakes.
That is why I apologized after reading my post to you the other day. I sounded mean and tough when talking about your son and the gun. And believe me I didn't mean it that way. As a mother I was worried for him, and the disaster that could be. So my tough came out. It's like a defense mechanism for me. It's my survival technique. It's all I knew as a child. Now I can see where I am wrong, and I am capable of admitting it. Not everyone is like that. That's for sure.
I would like to take this time to tell you how sorry I am about your father. That is tragic and so sad, and life is so very hard. I know grief and I know that GOD will lift this grief off of you. It will take time. So you need to grieve now. Be kind to yourself while you are going through all of this heartache. Just know that we are all here for you while your grieving. Take good care of yourself. When I say my prayers I add the heartbroken people from this site to my daily devotions. Thank You for this post. It reminds me not to judge myself, or anyone. And that forgiveness is the greatest lesson of my life.
:ghug3
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Earth
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My heart goes out to you kindeyes. Your a very good person. God will heal your heart, and he has sent his angels to watch over your son. I can honestly say, I know what your going through. Your son will find his own recovery very,very soon. I have offered my daily rosary for your son. It's my way of giving back. So many have prayed for my 29 yr old addict son, and he is in recovery for the past 3 months. Doing really well. Your son is added to our prayer list. I don't know his name, but GOD does. I pray the rosary with 30 people every morning. Both men and women. There's alot of power in prayer. The women I pray with are elderly some as old as 90. They have lost children, husbands, and they know grief, and they know GOD. And the men are deacons and priests. I find my comfort through all of my grief there. I used to find it in a jar of pills. I haven't touched one in 5 years. I found a healthier outlet. Stay strong, and I'm sorry I made you cry. Your father is in a beautiful place where there is no pain. He is happy now, and I hope you can draw strentgh from knowing that.
:ghug3
:ghug3
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
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I judge myself first then vow to learn from the experience that lead to it. When I've learned what I've needed, that's when I'm able to move on and forgive myself.
"The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing."
"The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing."
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