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Old 07-21-2010, 07:57 PM
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Bizarre Conversation

My romantic interest and I had a very odd conversation today/ He brought up his drinking/using and so I listened for a bit. I did pretty well in not inserting my own opinions, other than to say that no one needs to use in order to be happy.

Here are some of the stranger tidbits from the conversation:

"I know I don't need it, but I want it".

"Eating a cheeseburger is just as bad for you as addiction."

"I am trying to decide whether or not I am going to drink at this party on Saturday night."

"I stole some pain pills from my roomate who had been prescribed them due to a work-related accident."

"I took some beer out of their refridgerator." Refering to his roommates' beer.

"I am still trying to figure out who I am."

----

Then later in the conversation:

"I'm not going to talk to you about this anymore because I feel like you're judging me. You are making me feel ashamed."

"I grew up around drinking, everyone in my family drinks" I know that some of his family members are alcoholics.

"When I talk about drinking with you, it's like a taboo subject for you. when I tak about it with other people, I don't get the same negative feelings that I get from you."

"This conversation is making me want to use."

I decided awhile back to not bring this topic up with him anymore, because he has so deep into this active addiction cycle that the things he is saying he never would have said while he was sober.

I am going be looking for a new job (he is my coworker), and as soon as I do, I intend to cut off contact with him for awhile. At this point, it seems he would need to go back to rehab in order to get sober again.

It is time for me to move on.
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Old 07-21-2010, 08:50 PM
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He's justifying it all to himself. You just happened to be on the other end of the conversation. He's not ready to quit. Good for you for realizing it and moving on with your life. You deserve so much better.
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Old 07-22-2010, 05:52 AM
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This is going to be tough. I am very heart broken. But it's time to dust myself off and get on with my life.
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Old 07-22-2010, 07:43 AM
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You sound like you know what to do already.
It is heartbreaking but in the end you see the danger signs ahead of time. Give yourself a pat on the back for a job well done on noticing the BS.
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Old 07-22-2010, 04:16 PM
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Originally Posted by URMYEVERYTHING View Post
You sound like you know what to do already.
It is heartbreaking but in the end you see the danger signs ahead of time. Give yourself a pat on the back for a job well done on noticing the BS.
Thanks for the encouragement! I need all the encouragement I can get right now. I am still infatuated with him...the old him that is...the sober him.
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Old 07-22-2010, 04:21 PM
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It helps to stay in the present and not to live in the past or focus on dreams of the future.

Acceptance of reality is key.

I'm pretty sure that's what they mean by "one day at a time".

Base your actions on the reality of today, and make wise choices for yourself based on what you need right now to make yourself healthy and happy.

You can't go wrong with that formula.
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Old 07-23-2010, 08:28 PM
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It is hard! But keep pressing on... get the new job and leave him to himself. He is not ready to change... but you are! You will be happy again, it just takes time... walk thru the sadness but know better things are ahead for you!

Keep reading and posting... it will help you so much!
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Old 07-23-2010, 09:31 PM
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Originally Posted by oshkoshberjosh View Post
Thanks for the encouragement! I need all the encouragement I can get right now. I am still infatuated with him...the old him that is...the sober him.
Hello Oshkosh, You say that your still infatuated with him, and that's understandable. But be careful. You already know your going to move on and not have a relationship with this guy. And that's very smart. Because if you did get involved in a steady thing, when the infatuation wears off, you will be dealing with an alcoholic drug user. That's not a good choice for your future happiness and stability. I'm glad that you realize this already. Alot of women stay with the guy because of the infatuation, and wind up totally involved with the drinking drug user who usually ruins their life.

Regarding your conversation with him, you say you listened quietly, and he said that he feels you judge him. Well, the truth is that he is judging himself, because he knows what he is, and what he does. I'm glad to hear your moving on. When you pick the next man, look for some stability and sobriety. NEXT----->
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Old 07-24-2010, 05:55 AM
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Originally Posted by Angelic17 View Post
Hello Oshkosh, You say that your still infatuated with him, and that's understandable. But be careful. You already know your going to move on and not have a relationship with this guy. And that's very smart. Because if you did get involved in a steady thing, when the infatuation wears off, you will be dealing with an alcoholic drug user. That's not a good choice for your future happiness and stability. I'm glad that you realize this already. Alot of women stay with the guy because of the infatuation, and wind up totally involved with the drinking drug user who usually ruins their life.

Regarding your conversation with him, you say you listened quietly, and he said that he feels you judge him. Well, the truth is that he is judging himself, because he knows what he is, and what he does. I'm glad to hear your moving on. When you pick the next man, look for some stability and sobriety. NEXT----->
Yeah I think the most I said in the conversation is that "you don't need this to be happy". He said he knows but he wants it.

I KNOW i didn't say anything to make him feel ashamed. That is totally on him. He needs help. And I need to make sure I don't enable him.
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Old 07-24-2010, 09:45 AM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
you refer to the person as your romantic interest......um,,where's the romance for YOU? he's involved with alcohol and continues to staunchly defend that relationship..........which is HIS choice, his right. so what's in it FOR YOU? how are your needs getting met?
That's what I finally realized. I was no longer getting my needs met. I wasn't getting anything out of it anymore. It's over. I deserve better.
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Old 07-24-2010, 11:45 AM
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If my XABF had said those things about another woman I probably would have shoved him out the door, bags in hand, the moment it came up. Infidelity is at the top of my dealbreaker list. In hindsight, I do wish I had seen his addiction to alcohol the way we as loved ones can be addicted to them. It was a relationship I competed with, paid for, cried over, and lost my home over. My needs didn't get met but the booze had a great roll around with my EX.

I am so glad to hear that you have a plan in the works to extricate yourself from this relationship. It's not what you'd hoped for in a love with this man, and for that I am sorry. Leave him to his other woman and move on. Your heart with heal.

Best to you!

Alice
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Old 07-24-2010, 01:05 PM
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Originally Posted by oshkoshberjosh View Post
Thanks for the encouragement! I need all the encouragement I can get right now. I am still infatuated with him...the old him that is...the sober him.
I once was as well but that "sober one" wasn't coming back...at least...not for a long time. His run of 2-3 months on Heroin was enough to mess up 5 years clean previously. He was completely gone and still is even though he hasn't used in a year. He continues to struggle with LIFE and it's responsibility. Using or not....he isn't capable to cope with LIFE unless he is in a structured place for awhile (therapy, recovery house and around recovering addicts all the time). I have decided that I don't want to be a part of that LIFE and have my own with someone I can share more than recovery work.

Infatuated is the key word. Is that LOVE? Enough to stay?
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Old 07-26-2010, 07:16 AM
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Coming in on this late..you mention "he probably needs to go to rehab to get sober again"..not true. He needs to want to get sober to get sober again..he doesn't. Good for you for protecting yourself!
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Old 07-26-2010, 09:55 AM
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Originally Posted by smacked View Post
Coming in on this late..you mention "he probably needs to go to rehab to get sober again"..not true. He needs to want to get sober to get sober again..he doesn't. Good for you for protecting yourself!
Smacked hit it right on the head. He needs to WANT TO GET SOBER. You can want it until your face turns blue, and that won't change a thing. If HE WANTS IT. That's when it will most likely happen, and after that change will come. According to your thread, he says he still wants to use drugs and alcohol. That's a bad decision on his part, and unfortunately like many others here, he will find out the hard way, that drugs and alcohol are not the answer to problems and pain. They just make things so much worse. They are dangerous, and life threatening at times. If you were my daughter, I would try to make you understand, that even though he is lovable, or cute, or whatever good you see in him, that if he doesn't change his thinking pattern, he will have nothing, and you will be dragged right down with him. I hope you read, and learn here. I'm not being mean, I am saying this with love and knowledge, as the mother of an addict. I told my son's girlfriend of 9 years to move on, because he will only hurt her.
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Old 07-26-2010, 10:51 AM
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Originally Posted by Angelic17 View Post
I told my son's girlfriend of 9 years to move on, because he will only hurt her.
My exabf's mother said the same thing to me. She actually told me, "I don't see how you stay." "He stole from you and will continue to do so." "I would have cut him off."

That hurt me to the core and I actually posted on here about that conversation. It pissed me off so bad that I didn't want to speak to her anymore after that.

But......

Of course, I didn't listen and she was right! I know better this time. Listen to the mamas...they know best!
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Old 07-26-2010, 11:08 AM
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Just for the record, I am a guy

I definitely see the writing on the wall. This process would be made much easier if he wasn't a co-worker, but I will have that issue solved as soon as I find another job.

I hate addiction.
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Old 07-26-2010, 11:27 AM
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Originally Posted by oshkoshberjosh View Post
Just for the record, I am a guy

I definitely see the writing on the wall. This process would be made much easier if he wasn't a co-worker, but I will have that issue solved as soon as I find another job.

I hate addiction.

Sorry OshkoshberJosh, I thought you were a woman. Either way, find a clean mate what ever your sex may be. It doesn't matter to me. Your human and that's all that matters. I sure hope we are all making sense to you. We have your best interest at heart, and I know that most young people do what they want anyway. Either way, you will figure it out. I didn't listen to my elders much, and I learned the hard way myself. If I can spare you one bit of pain and heartache I will be happy. GOD BLESS YOU.
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Old 07-26-2010, 09:43 PM
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proud of you, oskgosh. it's been awhile in coming. we will support you.
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Old 07-27-2010, 07:17 PM
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Nothing much I can add. They've said it all. Good advice here.
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