MaryGoRound

So some of you may know me from the F&F for alkie's side...

Well I did block my xabf, but the block got all screwy and I think it was because Verizon was updating their website...and to make a long story short, he outted the fact he's a meth user. Which is, by no means a shock. I feel such relief after all the accusations of being judgmental, and "unfair." I got to hear it straight from the horses mouth instead of feeling guilty for "making assumptions."

I can know that this is much bigger than anything I have ever said, did, or will say or do. This person has just now after three years of knowing him, admitted to using to me.

He is blocked again. But I did encourage him to get help and I reminded him that I would be there for him if he decided to make that choice.

He says he goes back and forth thinking about getting help and that's great. However, the world keeps on turning doesn't it? and its so nice to not feel anything close to what I felt like before.

I've realized how strong I am now, when I've dated other people and I am not afraid of being rejected etc. because NOTHING compares to the pain of watching someone you love choose drugs time and time again.

I was even ballsy enough to agree to meet up with him after all this time has passed. he really wanted to and was waiting me to finish what I working on. My plan was to pull up and say "You get in this car...ur going to get help. Ur choice." And then pull away if he declined being take to a detox center or something. All the while thinking I brilliant, I was blasted in the face with reality when he stopped answering me after an hour passed since when I said I was ready. He called me back a few hours later and I'm pretty sure I got to witness him high on meth....it was unlike anything I had heard ever come out of his mouth. Confidence. So chilling. Soulless.

No thanks!!!

One thing I've noticed is it seems he communicates in this eery way of letting me know he using. i.e. answering the phone but just leaving it on for me to hear a bunch of people talking about what sounds like deals, etc. Its weird. Maybe its sort of a backwards way of being polite...hey I'm getting high right now can't talk ... Because normally, it would just be ignored. Stuff like that. The are so many clues mixed in with the lies. And they feel intentional. Hard to explain


Anyway though, I've been feeling very happy, peaceful, and strong. I just kept having nightmares about him so it brought it up the surface a bit. And then the block kept getting removed on the site somehow.... The damn hope never dies, does it? Part of me still really believes he will get help eventually.

I have so much respect for all of you..because even though I am so far removed from this...my heart breaks everytime I think of people doing this to themselves and I can't imagine being involved anymore than I have been...

So sad. May we all continue to gain peace and understanding.

-Jillian

Ann

There is nothing like a jolt of reality to get us back to our recovery pretty quick, yes?

I remember once calling my son and it didn't ring but somehow answered and I could hear him making a drug deal. I was frozen in shock, even though I knew he was using, but to hear it first hand was chilling.

When things like this happen, I just have to run back to my Step One....I am powerless over addiction and my life has become unmanageable....and go from there.

I learned that I could not live in HIS addiction and MY recovery at the same time, so my recovery had to come first.

Hugs

MaryGoRound

thanks for your reply Ann. I am honored to hear from you. I have always admired your great strength. I can't imagine having gone through it on the level you have...

It's so amazing how it becomes easier and easier as time goes by. You think that you'll never make it through the pain of loosing someone like that when you finally have to let go, but it ends up becoming a chance to become a much stronger, easy going, and still compassionate person. Before I went through all of this, I had a really problem with sticking up for myself in any way...

You really gain yourself back, understand where belong in the world, and you have a much greater appreciation for positive, people, places, and things.

Cutting him off was really the best thing I've ever done. For him and me. I'm so proud of myself!