It's over
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 42
It's over
Hi Everyone,
I have only posted a couple of times about my relationship with my boyfriend of 4 years.
Well this afternoon he broke up with me. He said that he wasn't in love with me and that he resented me for not getting him help sooner and that he isn't willing to go through conselling to work through our issues. I am not a priority in his life and he doesn't love me enough.
So I know in the long run that this is good for me. I dont think being with a non or active addict for the rest of my life would not be an easy road. Although my heart is breaking that he doesn't love me I know that I deserve better than this, but when you have invested 4 years of your heart and soul into a relationship to be told over the phone, not even to your face that I am not worth it.... well it hurts.
There is no turning back now. I am free of his addiction and can focus on myself and being with someone who actually loves me and will support me, not the other way around.
I know I did all that I could to help him with his addiction. I am not his mother and it is not my responsibility to look after him. He is an adult and is responsible for his own actions.
I just have to keep positive and take it step by step, even if they are just baby steps.Now comes the even harder part... the dividing of assets, animals and a house full of furniture....that is going to be very difficult to lose one of the dogs that has been my support over the last month.
Sigh.
I have only posted a couple of times about my relationship with my boyfriend of 4 years.
Well this afternoon he broke up with me. He said that he wasn't in love with me and that he resented me for not getting him help sooner and that he isn't willing to go through conselling to work through our issues. I am not a priority in his life and he doesn't love me enough.
So I know in the long run that this is good for me. I dont think being with a non or active addict for the rest of my life would not be an easy road. Although my heart is breaking that he doesn't love me I know that I deserve better than this, but when you have invested 4 years of your heart and soul into a relationship to be told over the phone, not even to your face that I am not worth it.... well it hurts.
There is no turning back now. I am free of his addiction and can focus on myself and being with someone who actually loves me and will support me, not the other way around.
I know I did all that I could to help him with his addiction. I am not his mother and it is not my responsibility to look after him. He is an adult and is responsible for his own actions.
I just have to keep positive and take it step by step, even if they are just baby steps.Now comes the even harder part... the dividing of assets, animals and a house full of furniture....that is going to be very difficult to lose one of the dogs that has been my support over the last month.
Sigh.
it is what it is
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Griffin GA
Posts: 454
sweetie - so sorry for what you are feeling - just a couple of things that jumped out at me - it was not your place to "get him help" that was his responsibility - don't let him put that guilt trip on you - and in connection with that - it was not his mother's place to take care of him either - he is an adult and he needs to take care of himself. prayers are with you as you go through this difficult time- be encouraged, better times are ahead for you as you take care of yourself and move on with a healthy, addiction-free life!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I'm sorry this makes you sad Katie, and it's a sadness you just have to work through. But one day soon you will make new beginnings with someone who is healthy and kind and who will treat you like a queen.
Big hugs
Big hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
he's the emotional, immature coward. He expects YOU to get him help and has the audacity to be *upset* that YOU didn't do it sooner?...think about it, and it is a crock of Bullsh!**
I hope you get to keep all of the animals, i believe they would do better living with you, this man probably is not invested in caring for them properly.
i hope you feel better and don't let him put any guilt on you for HIS problems.
I hope you get to keep all of the animals, i believe they would do better living with you, this man probably is not invested in caring for them properly.
i hope you feel better and don't let him put any guilt on you for HIS problems.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
(((Katie)))
This really is for the best. Obviously he's still thinking like a baby if he thinks that HIS addiction is YOUR fault. He's still playing the blame game, and you definitely don't need that. What good is he to you if he can't play his part in an equal relationship? You deserve someone who will work WITH you, not against you.
This really is for the best. Obviously he's still thinking like a baby if he thinks that HIS addiction is YOUR fault. He's still playing the blame game, and you definitely don't need that. What good is he to you if he can't play his part in an equal relationship? You deserve someone who will work WITH you, not against you.
work in progress
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
[COLOR="Red"]"he resented me for not getting him help sooner."
Why couldn't he get help for himself again?
I suppose if he were out of work, it would be your responsibility to find a new job for him too? That sounds like classic addict talk to Me. No accountability. Quack!
"... well it hurts."
And it will for a little while. It's okay. Feel everything you need to feel, and give yourself permission to do it. You are working on yourself, and he is probably threatened by your progress...he intended for that to hurt you.
The important part is you are working the steps needed to free yourself of these toxic relationships and work on the "you " part.
"There is no turning back now. I am free of his addiction and can focus on myself and being with someone who actually loves me and will support me, not the other way around."
Now that's a great idea. Good for you.
Why couldn't he get help for himself again?
I suppose if he were out of work, it would be your responsibility to find a new job for him too? That sounds like classic addict talk to Me. No accountability. Quack!
"... well it hurts."
And it will for a little while. It's okay. Feel everything you need to feel, and give yourself permission to do it. You are working on yourself, and he is probably threatened by your progress...he intended for that to hurt you.
The important part is you are working the steps needed to free yourself of these toxic relationships and work on the "you " part.
"There is no turning back now. I am free of his addiction and can focus on myself and being with someone who actually loves me and will support me, not the other way around."
Now that's a great idea. Good for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 42
Thank you all for your words of support. I am trying to think positive but the thoughts of the happy times we had and the home we made together keep pulling me down.
I saw this on one of the other forums and could relate:
The Pain Stops: when you stop looking at the person you love as the person you love, and you begin to see them, not as a partner, a lover, or a best friend, but as a human being with the strengths and weaknesses and even the core of a child.
The Pain Stops: when you begin to accept that what you would do in a circumstance is not what they would do, and that no matter how much you try, they have to learn their own lessons, and they have to touch the stove when it's hot, just as you did, to learn that it is much better when it is cold.
The Pain Stops: when your longing for them gets slowly replaced by a desire to get away, when making love to them no longer makes you feel cherished, when you find yourself tired of waiting for the moments where the good will truly outweigh the bad, and when at the end of the day you can't count on their arms for comfort.
The Pain Stops: when you start to look inward and decide whether their presence is a gift or a curse, and whether when you need them, they cause more heartache than bliss.
The Pain Stops: when you realize that you deserve more than they offer and stop blaming them for being less than you wish. When the smile of a stranger seems more inviting and kind, and you remember what it's like to feel beautiful, and you remember how long it has been since your lover whispered something in your ear that only the two of you would know.
The Pain Stops: when you forgive them for their faults and forgive yourself for staying so long. When you know that you tried harder than you ever tried before, and you know in your heart that love should not be so much work.
The Pain Stops: when you start to look in the mirror and like who you see, and know that leaving them or losing them is no reflection of your beauty or your worth.
The Pain Stops: when the promise of a new tomorrow is just enough to start replacing the emptiness in your heart, and you start dreaming again of who you used to be and who you will become.
The Pain Stops: when you say goodbye to what never really was, and accept that somewhere in the fog you may or may not have been loved back. And you promise yourself never again to lay in arms that don't know how to cherish the kindness in your heart.
The Pain Stops: When you are ready.
I do deserve more than he had to give and perhaps I did stay too long and was holding onto a dream which would never be reality. I did try harder than I ever had before. I don't know what else I could have done. But he has made it clear he doesn't want me anyway.
Perhaps its because im not his emotional crutch anymore (another girl is) and he doesn't need to manipulate me anymore. Perhaps that is why the hurtful comments are coming out...
Is it best to go no contact during this period? I know my heart still wants him back at this stage but my head is saying no. He still needs to work out when and how he gets his stuff out of the house and where he is going to live. Honestly I dont think he is any state to make decisions at the moment. His Mother dying, starting a new job and having to find somewhere else to live in 3 months is probably more than he can deal with whilst he is trying to recover. Or am I just making excuses?
I saw this on one of the other forums and could relate:
The Pain Stops: when you stop looking at the person you love as the person you love, and you begin to see them, not as a partner, a lover, or a best friend, but as a human being with the strengths and weaknesses and even the core of a child.
The Pain Stops: when you begin to accept that what you would do in a circumstance is not what they would do, and that no matter how much you try, they have to learn their own lessons, and they have to touch the stove when it's hot, just as you did, to learn that it is much better when it is cold.
The Pain Stops: when your longing for them gets slowly replaced by a desire to get away, when making love to them no longer makes you feel cherished, when you find yourself tired of waiting for the moments where the good will truly outweigh the bad, and when at the end of the day you can't count on their arms for comfort.
The Pain Stops: when you start to look inward and decide whether their presence is a gift or a curse, and whether when you need them, they cause more heartache than bliss.
The Pain Stops: when you realize that you deserve more than they offer and stop blaming them for being less than you wish. When the smile of a stranger seems more inviting and kind, and you remember what it's like to feel beautiful, and you remember how long it has been since your lover whispered something in your ear that only the two of you would know.
The Pain Stops: when you forgive them for their faults and forgive yourself for staying so long. When you know that you tried harder than you ever tried before, and you know in your heart that love should not be so much work.
The Pain Stops: when you start to look in the mirror and like who you see, and know that leaving them or losing them is no reflection of your beauty or your worth.
The Pain Stops: when the promise of a new tomorrow is just enough to start replacing the emptiness in your heart, and you start dreaming again of who you used to be and who you will become.
The Pain Stops: when you say goodbye to what never really was, and accept that somewhere in the fog you may or may not have been loved back. And you promise yourself never again to lay in arms that don't know how to cherish the kindness in your heart.
The Pain Stops: When you are ready.
I do deserve more than he had to give and perhaps I did stay too long and was holding onto a dream which would never be reality. I did try harder than I ever had before. I don't know what else I could have done. But he has made it clear he doesn't want me anyway.
Perhaps its because im not his emotional crutch anymore (another girl is) and he doesn't need to manipulate me anymore. Perhaps that is why the hurtful comments are coming out...
Is it best to go no contact during this period? I know my heart still wants him back at this stage but my head is saying no. He still needs to work out when and how he gets his stuff out of the house and where he is going to live. Honestly I dont think he is any state to make decisions at the moment. His Mother dying, starting a new job and having to find somewhere else to live in 3 months is probably more than he can deal with whilst he is trying to recover. Or am I just making excuses?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
Originally Posted by katie28 
Is it best to go no contact during this period? I know my heart still wants him back at this stage but my head is saying no. He still needs to work out when and how he gets his stuff out of the house and where he is going to live. Honestly I dont think he is any state to make decisions at the moment. His Mother dying, starting a new job and having to find somewhere else to live in 3 months is probably more than he can deal with whilst he is trying to recover. Or am I just making excuses?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 42
The house is mine. I bought it 3 years ago and we lived in it together. Altough he lived in the house he never made rent payments ( his parents paid) and he didn't contribute to the house hold apart from mowing the back yard every so often and he owned some appliances which made it easier when we first moved in. All he really did was take in the relationship and he seems to be blaming me for everything now. I guess it's easier to push someone away and blame them then looking inwards and seeing what damage you caused.
I feel for his dad at the moment as my x is punishing he aswell whilst he is trying to still cope with the loss of his wife. I guess that Shows how selfish he is.
So he is going to come to the house whilst I'm at work and pack his things as he never wants to have anything to do with me ever again. I don't really have any option and he threatened if I make it difficult he will do things to hurt me.
I thank you all for your kind words and expressing my feelings here amongst people who have so much knowledge has meant the world to me. Not one person has told me to stick by him. Time my heart gets the message!
I feel for his dad at the moment as my x is punishing he aswell whilst he is trying to still cope with the loss of his wife. I guess that Shows how selfish he is.
So he is going to come to the house whilst I'm at work and pack his things as he never wants to have anything to do with me ever again. I don't really have any option and he threatened if I make it difficult he will do things to hurt me.
I thank you all for your kind words and expressing my feelings here amongst people who have so much knowledge has meant the world to me. Not one person has told me to stick by him. Time my heart gets the message!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
(((Katie)))
As much as I want to encourage you to not have any contact with him, I would also encourage you to NOT let him in your home when you're not there. I wouldn't trust him to only take his belongings... maybe be home when he gets there, and ask a sherriff's deputy to supervise the whole thing? Especially if you tell them he threatened you. He's trying to still control you, even from outside of the relationship.
As much as I want to encourage you to not have any contact with him, I would also encourage you to NOT let him in your home when you're not there. I wouldn't trust him to only take his belongings... maybe be home when he gets there, and ask a sherriff's deputy to supervise the whole thing? Especially if you tell them he threatened you. He's trying to still control you, even from outside of the relationship.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,872
I agree with ladyamalthea...don't let him inside your home if you or another trusted friend aren't there. Either call the sheriff to have someone there with you or call a trusted friend (preferably a large male) to be there with you. The guy sounds like a real jerk and you never know what he might do to your home. You are lucky that he ended things (if they are in fact ended). After his things are gone, I would change the locks and block him from my phone and email. Do whatever is necessary to be safe.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 42
I have moved some of my belongings to my parents house. He sent me a message last night
'It appears that the penny has finally dropped for you. Some space now to work on ourselves is paramount. Love you and I hope you continue to evolve x'
I didn't respond and haven't heard from him since. I am fairly confident I wont hear from him. He is the type of person that when he decides something he will stick to it. But my mum thinks there might come a time in 6 months or so when he will turn up on my doorstep.... Anyone experienced this? I am going to get the locks changed
when all his stuff is gone.
I saw my cousin today and she knew that something was wrong the last few times she saw me. She said that I had sad eyes.
No matter how hard I tried to not break down and be strong through his addiction people could tell that I was hurting, I just didn't realise till now how much I was breaking down inside and trying to keep strong on the outside. Now that I'm spending all my free time with my family I am with people who love me unconditionally with no ulterior motives or manipulation and i can finally relax.
Its just the living alone that scares me. I have my dog but have never lived alone before and my house is full of good and bad memories. Its frightening me.
'It appears that the penny has finally dropped for you. Some space now to work on ourselves is paramount. Love you and I hope you continue to evolve x'
I didn't respond and haven't heard from him since. I am fairly confident I wont hear from him. He is the type of person that when he decides something he will stick to it. But my mum thinks there might come a time in 6 months or so when he will turn up on my doorstep.... Anyone experienced this? I am going to get the locks changed
when all his stuff is gone.
I saw my cousin today and she knew that something was wrong the last few times she saw me. She said that I had sad eyes.
No matter how hard I tried to not break down and be strong through his addiction people could tell that I was hurting, I just didn't realise till now how much I was breaking down inside and trying to keep strong on the outside. Now that I'm spending all my free time with my family I am with people who love me unconditionally with no ulterior motives or manipulation and i can finally relax.
Its just the living alone that scares me. I have my dog but have never lived alone before and my house is full of good and bad memories. Its frightening me.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Ontario
Posts: 11
Oh My!! This same thing just happened to me too. My boyfriend of 2 yrs told me after I picked him up from Detox that he feels I make him use. That he does not want to be around me and my 2 yrs old daughter(who calls him Dad).
I am heart broken and can not see how all of a sudden I am the enemy. I have stood by him through thick and thin. He was clean for 1.5yrs and just relapsed. I did everything I thought I was to do. I set boundaries. This time quicker and maybe more harsh then before.
I told him get this sorted out or I am out of here. and I was going to call his probation officer as it was a breech of his probation to be using. Lot of good that did she did nothing about it.
He always has a list of things me, his dad, his things he did to land him in jail that caused him to relapse.
I think the thing that has thrown me for the loop was that the day before he loved me and we were planning on having children (now waiting one more week to see if that happened). It was going so great and then he just went and got high. I just dont understand what happened. And now he wants nothing to do with me. He just up and left.
I tired talking to him yesterday and he was so rude and hurtful I was shocked. He is so cold and it is like a punch in the face.
I see where you are coming from I just dont think I am at the point of understanding yet. Anyone help please!!
I am heart broken and can not see how all of a sudden I am the enemy. I have stood by him through thick and thin. He was clean for 1.5yrs and just relapsed. I did everything I thought I was to do. I set boundaries. This time quicker and maybe more harsh then before.
I told him get this sorted out or I am out of here. and I was going to call his probation officer as it was a breech of his probation to be using. Lot of good that did she did nothing about it.
He always has a list of things me, his dad, his things he did to land him in jail that caused him to relapse.
I think the thing that has thrown me for the loop was that the day before he loved me and we were planning on having children (now waiting one more week to see if that happened). It was going so great and then he just went and got high. I just dont understand what happened. And now he wants nothing to do with me. He just up and left.
I tired talking to him yesterday and he was so rude and hurtful I was shocked. He is so cold and it is like a punch in the face.
I see where you are coming from I just dont think I am at the point of understanding yet. Anyone help please!!
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