ladyamalthea

I made a comment on my facebook page about being sick the other day, and Mom resonded to it, saying she hoped I felt better. This came out of nowhere.

At least now I don't feel like my parents hate me. They may not be ready to work things out, and I'm not sure I'm there yet either, but it felt so good to have her at least reach out like that.

Baby steps... and lots of practice with the serenity prayer. But at least we're getting somewhere...

Just thought I'd share.

Ann

It's all about baby steps and finding a balance of what works for you. It's nice she contacted you, and it is good you care about each other.

Finding a balance in your relationship with your family may take time and work, but it may not be an all or nothing situation. Only you can decide.

Hugs

cece1960

Hi Lady,
I'm glad she had the chance to contact you. I'm sure it added comfort.
As the mom of an addict, I can understand how your parents could seem to be taking sides. Even after all of these years of practice, I still have to check and double check my actions so as not to offend my other kids in the process of dealing with him. Its hard not to give more attention to the one who is in need, although I sometimes fear it is at the expense of my healthy family.

I wanted to mention this because I knew all along that they didn't hate you. They love you, but may just have trouble expressing this, given thier lives are in turmoil.

In fact, my experience says that I bet they lay their heads down at night and pray for your sis, then thank God that you are healthy.

Trust me, when addiction hits the family, we thank God for the healthy children.

I hope you are feeling better.

(((Hugs)))

keepinon

I am the mom of an addict too. At first, I was consumed with sick child, then remembered what happened in my husbands family. The parents wouldn't listen to any of the kids, denied the addiction, bailed her out countless times, said she "had a black cloud over her head" (yes, that would be heroin!) made excuses. We were forced to set boundaries,,pissed them off. Well guess what? The addict got better.. been sober for going on 15 years now. The family however never healed.No one talked about it.. or to each other. The siblings have had nc for 15 years.
I am so thankful that I saw what can happen. It is natural to want to help out a sick person, but this disease really requires you to do the opposite of your instincts. My son right now denies he has a sister. I am just letting him have his feelings, not trying to guilt him, doing things with him and his girlfriend, etc. He loves his sister, but cannot watch the train wreck any more. I get it. I would love for him to go to alanon.. he knows its there if he wants it.
I know your parents love you, they truly are sick and stuck in your sisters disease. YOU are going to be the one who has to draw the boundaries. That doesn't necissarily mean no contact. As a matter of fact, you could be a great example of what recovery looks like!

ladyamalthea

Thanks all. I too knew all along they didn't hate me; but I still wonder if they are mad at me for choosing to side with my husband and NOT help my sister hide. I love my parents with all my heart, and my sister too, but for the past few years they have basically been trying to shove her false well-being down my throat. They get offended if I give any indication that I know better. So for a long time, I would just listen and not comment at all on anything they said related to my sister. I had already accepted the three c's and knew that no good would come of arguing with them.

I know they are sick with being codependent on her, and I know that I am codependent on them. I am working on my end of it. But I'm still uncomfortable with the fact that they are mad at my husband for NOT risking both of our careers. The text messages my dad sent dh that Sunday, and then me that Monday, reminded me very much of the way an addict throws a tantrum when someone will not enable them.

Maybe I just want to make sure I'm ready to handle whatever they throw my way before I approach them? If that makes sense? I want to be that great example of recovery; but I don't feel very stable right now.

cymbal

I wanted to respond to you, and say I'd be so very grateful for any contact initiated to me from my mom. She never calls me even though I asked her to.

My mom is very enmeshed with my sister. She is the "fair-haired."

I just really relate to that longing for equal (never better) treatment. What about my feelings? Why would my parents deliberately hurt one daughter in favor of another?

My sister was not very nice to me, and I felt that I didn't matter as much somehow.

I really liked what the other moms of addicts said. I just need to not take it personally maybe. They're not doing it to me. They're just doing it.

I guess the other option is to believe that my mom does it deliberately. As a mom I would not intentionally inflict hurt on my children. I remember trying to come up with a word picture to "try to make her see" how much it hurt, but its just as pointless with the codie. Favoritism really is abuse.

Thank you for sharing, and please know that you are not alone!