endangered

I don't know if I can ever trust RAH again. Every time I think things are going well for him, some little something comes up that makes me question everything again.

He injured his knee and has a hairline tibia fracture so he was on the prescribed dosage of hydo for 3 weeks. Afterwards he was very grumpy for a while. Next it was his back from not sleeping well because of his leg...another few days of hydros.

Tonight he plans to go with a guy from our local AA (not his sponsor - who he usually goes with) to a new meeting in a different location than the three or four locations he usually chooses. I know that his sponsor does not know that he still smokes pot and that he can be very dishonest and a bit of jekell & hyde. He keeps saying that he hopes he gets back at a reasonable hour since they will probably end up talking for a long time after the meeting (not so unusual).

Bottom line I am still doing all the detective work...checking mileage, checking cell phone (he has not talked to this guy he is suppose to be going to meeting with but has spoke with his sponsor today). Try to track money but that is really impossible as he is self employed & just has customers write checks to him personally so he can cash them & I'll never know.

I am fully aware that I should be focusing on me & not him...that this is HIS recovery and so on but I DON'T trust him and don't want to spend years wondering and suspecting and second guessing. I am trying to work the steps (alanon is only doable when I have a sitter). I guess I am wondering what it will take for me to believe him and trust him again....will I ever??? How many of you continued to do all this 'checking up' on your addict and eventually had your fears confirmed? It feels like waiting on the other shoe to fall. I try to focus on me and set boundries but I am always wondering.

dollydo

All I can say is that if he is smoking pot, he is not in recovery. Period.

You are obsessed with his make believe recovery, what about yours?

He is an addict for life, the only difference is whether he is active or not. So, are you planning on checking on him forever? Or, are you planning to deal with and recover from your codependency?

It's your call.

hello-kitty

Being wrapped up in someone else's addiction is an addiction for us. We want them to get better, expect them to do whatever it takes to get better, but unless we are willing to do whatever it takes for us to get better from OUR need to control them, it's really fruitless.

If you aren't willing to do whatever it takes, why should he. He's exactly where he chooses to be right now. You are the one that is unhappy.

And happiness comes from within.

Trust needs to be earned. Obviously he hasn't earned yours back yet. But it doesn't really sound like that's a problem for him. It's just a problem for you.

What are you going to do Endangered? I hope you can find a way to make peace with your choices soon. That's all you can control. Your choices. His choices are completely out of your hands.

endangered

Thank you for replying to my post. Yes, my logical mind knows all these things yet I continue to do all this checking up. I guess I am just wanting to get on with life whether with him or without him....but I hate the 'limbo' which is where I feel like I am. The whole pot thing bothers me most because well... it's illegal, has to affect driving even though he swears it doesn't, and most of all because everyone tells me that since he is still using a mind altering drug that it will most probably ultimately end up sending him back to oxy. Geeeeezzzzz..... just want to know which direction I am heading in I guess. Tired of all the doubt, mistrust, and wondering if I trust him again will the rug get ripped out from under me. Don't want to wait until he is deep in oxy addiction again and put myself and more importantly my kids through that again. Then again, what if he stays off the pills and I just didn't have faith and end a 22 year marriage with 3 kids??

dollydo

I do understand, no need to make a rash decision. Watch his actions, disregard his words.

To me, pot is nothing more than bridge, which leads to or back to ones drug of choice.

Your children hear and see everything, keep that in mind at all times.

Children first!

Christen

Dear Friend,

I'm also married to an addict, & I feel like I could have written your post myself. I also hope that you have been on SR long enough to let some comments roll right off your back. I'm all about nar anon / al anon, but sometimes I think people forget the "for better or worse" part. It's hard to be married & follow the steps sometimes.

In my experience trust comes back very slowly with time. We have been lied to so much that we just don't know what to believe anymore. My husband is almost 6 months clean, & the trust is coming slowly, but at least we aren't back at square one.

My advice to you- stop the detective stuff darling! It's just not healthy. You are not Sherlock Holmes, & you could drive yourself nuts trying to be. Believe me- been there done that, & all it got me was more useless worrying. Keep your eyes peeled, & don't be dumb or naive. But stop checking his phone. Stop checking his mileage. Stop wasting your energy. You two are never going to build trust with you snooping around. Unfortunately, part of marriage is giving them the benefit of the doubt (even if they are addicts). They are our husbands, & they still deserve respect. I know it's hard, but I learned that lesson the hard way. After all my efforts- he still relapsed. You are powerless darling. That's the God's honest truth.

Take care. Even if you have a hard time working your steps- keep trying. You'll get better at that with time.

endangered

Christen,
Thank you so much for your response. Yours and several others are very helpful. Alas, I guess I haven't been here long enough to let things roll off.

Cynical,
How very crude you can be. I am well aware that my behavior in checking on him is not healthy and not what I need to be doing. I was seeking support from my friends here at SR not your disrespectful and hardly accurate comments. Your statement "how can you expect him to be trustworthy when your own behavior is sneaky and dishonest" is reprehensible! This IS NOT helpful in any way! "I" am being sneaky and dishonest????? Are you nuts??? I am trying to prevent waiting until he is FAR into his addiction again before I discover it and it makes things that much harder for my children and myself. He has given me many reasons to doubt his sobriety but I have no proof. I realize that I need to change my focus but your comments were way out of line!

Thanks to all of you who have been very helpful and I am sorry for any disturbance I may have caused to any of you with this post. You are my friends and a great help to me but I've never believed in letting anyone speak disrespectfully to me and just because I am dealing with a RA or AA (who knows)". This applies to those who are rude and inconsiderate as much as anything else in life.

bluebelle

I have been in that same position with my RABF where I was checking on all of his actions. I looked at his phone, his computer, and his files. I know what it's like to just want to know if he has relapsed, if he will finally quit this time, etc. I ended up addicted to him and thinking that my happiness depended on whether or not he was using. I still have trouble with analyzing RABF's actions, but at I don't go through his stuff. I know that if he is using, the truth will eventually come out. So, my job is to focus on my own life and how I can make myself happy and secure--regardless of what he does. Even if you search through everything, you might not know what "the truth," is. Addicts are very good at hiding things. Have you read Codependent No More and Getting Them Sober? These books really help me and so do the stickies at the top of this page and at the top of the friends & family of alcoholics page.